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Trading Places Gallery Transcript

WOMAN: Okay!

You can open your eyes now

and see Josh's brand-new bedroom!

[laughing]

Oh, yeah!

[groans]

[TV audience laughing]

Man, I love these design shows.

Whoa, that is so cool.

It's not my taste, but I can appreciate the workmanship.

KIMI: Mail come yet?

It's on the table.

Hey, Kimi, it's your favorite show.

They're about to transform a dreary basement

into an aquatic park

using old garden hoses

and an old septic t*nk.

KIMI: Thatstupid show?

No thanks.

Gee, is Kimi upset about something?

Yeah, she's the one

who got us hooked on this show.

She hasn't said anything.

[door slams]

CHAS: Guys...

your mother and I will be back in a couple of hours.

Now, you can answer the phone,

but not the door.

Where are you going?

Uh... out.

Out where?

Um...

[TV audience applauds]

We're taking ballroom dance lessons.

Dance lessons?

CHAS: Uh, yes.

Well, they didn't call me "twinkle toes" for nothing.

[Chas chuckles]

[gasps] Ooh!

Yeah, they did.

Ballroom dancing?

You could've just said shopping.

TOMMY: I'm telling you,

Kimi seemed real upset.

You sure there's nothing going on with her?

Maybe it's the total lack

of professional women soccer leagues

in this sorry one-horse town.

Good guess, Lillian.

Nah, you know Kimi.

If something bothered her,

I'd be the first person she'd tell.

PANGBORN [over PA]: Chucky Finster!

Report to the principal's office... now!

Uh, gulp!

Mr. Pangborn, if this is about me jamming the snack machine...

It isn't.

Or breaking the towel dispenser.

It isn't.

Oh.

Then it must be about popping that tether ball?

This isn't about you!

It's about her!

Kimi?

What are you doing here?

Your sister was assigned to write a haiku

about her family back in Japan.

This is what she read to the class!

"There once was a man from Japan

"who ate a lot more than he planned.

"When his belly was fat, around he just sat

'cause he couldn't get off of the..."

[groans] You get the picture!

[laughing]

[coughing]

[clears throat]

That is so not funny.

[chuckles]

And it's not even haiku; it's a limerick!

[groans]

So, why am I here?

Two masters degrees in child psych, and she won't talk.

She's clammed up, shut down, checked out.

Got any idea why I would do such a thing?

Not a clue.

Well, then just... oh!

Walk her home.

Oh, and about the snack machine, towel dispenser

and tether ball?

Trash pickup-- two weeks.

Something bugging you, Kimi?

No, I'm fine, just fine!

But it's me,Kimi.

You always talk to me.

We're close, tight, inseparable.

Kimi? Kimi!

You come here every day

and the best you can do is junk mail!

Which is great,

'cause, uh, one kid's junk is another kid's treasure?

Ooh, look: three rooms of carpet cleaning for only...

[groans]

[TP theme music playing]

[audience applauds]

I look at this room and I see tinfoil--

tinfoil everywhere.

Oh, is this the one

where the wife beats up the designer?

You bet.

Uh, Dad, does Kimi seem upset to you lately?

She hasn't said anything to me.

Has she said anything to you?

Not a thing.

If she had something on her mind,

she'd tell you.

You two are close.

KIRA: Better go, Chas.

Oh, right. I don't want to be late for the conga.

[ scatting conga b*at]: Da-da-da-da-da, hey!

Da-da-da-da...

[coughs] Hey!

Da-da-da-da-da-- hey!

Da-da-da-da-da-- hey!

What is going on around here?!

Ah!

You scared me.

Sorry.

I didn't know I was so scary.

What are you doing?

I hate this room!

Especially this stuff.

I don't want to even look at it anymore!

Why?

It's baby stuff

and I'm not a baby anymore!

Then she said something about not wanting to be a baby anymore

and tossed all her old stuff.

Did she throw out any old clothes?

I'm looking for some gaucho pants.

She was crying and everything.

I wish there was something I could do.

It's probably just a phase.

I remember when I went through my "I'm not a baby" phase.

I cut the heads off all my Dummy Bears.

Hey, I just got an idea!

What if we redid her room

just like on one of those make-over shows?

Yeah, yeah, we'll sneak her off for the day

and when she comes back-- ka-pow, a new room!

I don't know-- it sounds like a lot of work.

Even if we knew what to do.

Oh, come on, guys.

This is Kimi we're talking about.

If the kids on those shows can do it,

there's no reason we can't.

Right?

Right.

Right.

Hey, check me out.

[chuckling]

Ow.

Now I can see why she's so unhappy.

This room just screams "generic girl."

What she needs is something that screams "Kimi!"

Screams?

You're scaring me, Chuck.

I know! She likes movies.

CHUCKIE: No, Tommy, youlike movies.

I got it!

She really likes animals.

CHUCKIE: Yes, but she really likes them alive.

I know exactly what she'd like--

something artsy with big arched windows and a skyline view.

Are you suggesting we build a skyline, too?

[record scratches]

I got it.

A swinger's lounge!

It's hip, it's cool.

It screams "I'm not a baby, baby!"

CHAS: What are you doing

in Kimi's room?

Uh, looking for Kimi.

All of you?

She walked to the store.

Well, we're leaving now.

Uh, big ballroom dance competition.

We'll be back tonight.

Come on, Kira, let's rumba.

Slow, slow, quick-quick, slow.

Slow...

[screams]: Slow!

KIRA: Ow!

Okay, guys, we got one day

to transform this room into a hipster lounge.

First we have to empty this place.

Everybody grab something.

This is working out well.

I don't get it.

How do we make cool stuff

out of this junk?

Ingenuity, my man.

We can turn this upside-down and make it into a groovy swag lamp.

We can rip up Kimi's old stuffed animals

and use the fur to make accent pillows.

Did I just say "accent pillows"?

Cover it with this old shower curtain

and make a cool cappuccino bar.

But what about Kimi?

She'll be back from the store any minute.

Someone will have to keep her busy all day.

ANGELICA: Keep whobusy all day?

Angelica, what are you doing here?

Finster's dad asked me to keep an eye on you pre-teens.

But you're more irresponsible than any of us.

I know, but I'm a great tattler.

So, Finster, cough it up!

Kimi's been low, so we're redoing her room.

It's a surprise,

like on one of those make-over shows.

Oh, I love those shows!

I watch them all the time, so I'm kind of an expert

and I say Moroccan chic,

so I'll need some raw silk and a camel.

You heard me: get cracking!

[whispers]: Tommy!

TOMMY: You know, Angelica, it's great that you want to help and all,

but you know what would be really good?

I'm not chipping in a dime.

No, no, not that.

We need someone to keep Kimi busy all day,

so she doesn't find out about the surprise.

Uh-huh.

I know what you're trying to do, Pickles.

I'm not going anywhere.

That's a relief,

because you could help with the heavy lifting.

Heavy what?

Don't you have one of those hunky guys in a T-shirt

to do all the work, like on those shows?

You're looking at him, mamacita.

[childish music plays]

Okay, I'm ready.

What?

The Zen Tea House?

You invited me.

Three months ago.

Then we'd better hurry, we're late.

Ah!

Ta-dah!

Wow, that sure is some yellow.

CHUCKIE: It's "new horizons"

and it is the hottest color going.

CHUCKIE: The kid with the blackheads

at the hardware store told me.

So grab a roller.

I'm no expert, but don't you think

Should we put down drop cloths first?

Uh, we don't have time for that.

We'll be careful.

Ah!

Oh, sorry.

Tommy, why don't you paint?

Phil, you could start

on the cappuccino bar.

I'll rip open those stuffed animals.

New Horizons?

Please tell me you're not painting Kimi's room with that!

Why not?

Big mistake.

According to the Bagwa,

the left hand /th of this space

is Kimi's prosperity center.

Bagwa? Prosperity center?

What are you talking about?

Feng Shui, T.

Usually I catch on to what he's saying

within a couple of sentences,

but this time he totally got me.

It's the ancient art of design

to increase your positive energy flow,

and I'm telling you,

you put yellow on that wall

and Kimi's energy flow is glowing negative.

I have purple.

Purple's good-- and you'll need wind chimes,

and some kind of running water.

We don't have wind chimes and running water.

You don't want death and destruction for this room, do you?

This is insane.

Don't listen to him.

[grunts]

[fan whirring]

I don't know about the chimes,

but we have an old toilet we could make into a fountain.

PHIL: Okay, just a smidge to the right.

No, now the left.

Okay... no.

Yes. No.

Philip, now you decide to become a perfectionist.

We will never get this done!

Okay, that's good.

[grunts]

Ah, no, no, it's all wrong.

Take it off, we got to start again.

[peaceful music playing]

Problem?

I'll say.

My back hurts, my feet are asleep,

and these bath mats we're squatting on are prickly.

They're called tatami.

So what's that?

Japanese for butt-burn?

And what's with raking these pebbles?

Back and forth, back and forth-- what's the point in that?

It's relaxing!

[all shushing]

Well, if you ask me, it's too peaceful.

This place will need to kick it up to stay in business.

If you really feel this way, let's go home.

What?! No! You... you can't!

Why not?

Uh... I haven't finished

my extremely bitter tea yet.

Oh, that's it, I'm going.

Bye.

[slurps]

[screams]

Ow, my tongue!

I burnt my tongue!

The tea's lukewarm.

[lisping]: So sore... so sore.

[spluttering]: So sore!

TOMMY: So, how's it going in here, Lil?

Well, pretty darn good, Tommy.

We've decided to hide our paint accident

by painting the entire carpet yellow.

TOMMY: Pretty gutsy move, Lil.

And I see you've put up chimes.

They're Chuckie's old retainers.

We improvised.

CHUCKIE: Okay, everybody, check this out.

Look what I found in the attic-- my dad's old records.

We're going to glue them all over this wall.

You sure your dad doesn't want those records?

Please. He doesn't use them.

They just sit in these

old, special museum-quality dust-resistant jackets all day.

Hey, nice chimes.

Very Shui.

Uh-oh, black circles-- very un-Shui.

Oh, not this again.

Do you want Kimi to get foot-and-mouth disease?

You mean I can't put these up?

Only if used in a number divisible by

and facing southeast.

Or if you give me

this Captain and Tennille double album, I...

Come on, Tommy, let's do it!

DOCTOR: Uh-huh, uh-huh.

I don't see a thing.

Are you blind?!

My tongue is on fire!

Blah!

Uh-huh.

Well, it does look a bit peculiar.

I'd better get a consult.

Wha...? Huh?!

[whimpering]

Did you know last week was Children's Day in Japan?

That mirror-- give it to me!

Ah...!

Every year my dad

sends me a present.

A stuffed animal, a pretty pink pony.

This year? Nothing.

Bumpy, pink-- nothing peculiar to me.

He forgot about me.

Probably because

he and my new stepmom had a baby.

Hold it!

Back up.

Is that why you've been acting all aggro lately?

I guess I don't rank

as Daddy's Little Girl anymore.

[crying]

Oh, brother.

Man, that looks hot.

You know, it adds a texture and a presence to the room

it didn't have before.

Man, it is catching.

Come on, let's go get the rest of the stuff.

[all grunting]

They're stuck!

The paint on the carpet must have dried while we stood here.

[tearing]

Uh-oh.

Okay, guys, whatever you do, don't...

[tearing, ripping]

Pull.

Now what are we going to do?

DIL: Only one thing to do.

Pull up this whole carpet.

Holes in the carpets

suck the positive energy right out of the room.

We can't pull up the whole rug!

Well, then I'd suggest

putting a little ceramic frog by the door for luck,

and hope this place doesn't become one big portal for evil!

Dil!

PHIL: Guys.

Wow, Phil, that's incredible!

I know.

You want to give me a hand getting her in here?

[carpet ripping]

[all grunting]

CHUCKIE: Phil, it's too big!

Didn't you measure the doorway first?

Who thinks that way?

Guys, if I may make a suggestion?

ALL: No!

Let's stay calm.

We can figure this out.

We still have time to pull this thing together.

[crackling]

DOCTOR: Well, good news.

Your tongue is perfectly fine.

Of course it's fine.

Whoever said it wasn't?

We'll send your parents the bill.

You've been released.

Let's go home, Angelica.

Now?

But we still have two hours to kill.

What are you talking about?

Okay, let's go.

Ow, ow, ow!

Oh! Ankle, ankle, ankle!

[kids grunting]

This isn't working.

We'll have to cut it in half.

No...!

[telephone ringing]

[carpet ripping]

Hello?

Mayday, mayday--

Kimi-san is incoming!

And don't come back until you have a compound fracture!

Everybody, they're on their way!

We'll never get this place together in time-- look!

He will be longing for the days

when Kimi didn't talk to him,

because she is so going to k*ll him.

Fine-- you guys can call yourselves designers,

but I call you quitters!

If I have to do everything myself,

I'm going to give Kimi the room she deserves!

You can't do this all by yourself.

Yeah, I know.

Then we'll split up.

Phil, break down the bar and move it in here.

Lil, take some plants

from the backyard to cover up those carpet holes.

I'll staple those records back up.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I have taken the liberty of making a Feng Shui diagram.

If we follow this perfectly,

then good fortune will shine down on Kimi.

But first we take a moment

to get in touch with our higher spirit.

[hammering]

DIL: Guys?

Guys?!

KIMI: Don't you think we've spent enough time together?

No one's home and I really need

someone to help me!

Maybe if I laid down

in your room!

Why are you shouting?

I am?

Must be the pain talking.

ALL: Surprise!

[gasps]

Welcome to your hip, new swinger's pad!

So? What do you think?

[bawling]: I hate it!

I'm sorry, Kimi.

I can't believe you destroyed all my stuff.

But I thought you hated your room and that stuff.

Why would you think that?

You said, "I hate my room and that stuff."

Oh.

Well, I didn't mean it.

I was just mad at my dad

for not sending me anything for Children's Day.

I've been pushed aside for a younger, cuter, pinker model.

Uh, Kimi, I just want you to know

everything is going to be okay.

Sure, and the sun will come out tomorrow.

Blah, blah, blah.

No, I know exactly how you feel.

When your mom married my dad

and you came to live with us,

I was so mad, I tried to give you to the neighbors.

Oh, yeah!

They gave me a cupcake.

I thought you were going to take my place.

I didn't know my dad had enough love

for the both of us.

A heart isn't like a room with walls that can't move--

it expands to let in as many people as it needs to.

Wow, that's pretty deep.

Did you make that up?

Nah. I heard it on a design show.

[giggling]

The best part is I got a sister in the deal.

I wouldn't trade her for anything.

KIMI: Thanks.

Um, Chuckie, does Dad know

you stapled his rare record collection to the wall?

Rare?

CHAS: Kids, we're home!

Dad?

Dad!

Happy Children's Day, Kimi-chan.

I hope you weren't too upset

waiting to get your present,

but here it is-- a brand new baby sister.

[cooing]

Oh, she's so tiny.

Chuckie, just so you know, we weren't really taking ballroom lessons.

Hiro asked us to help him find a place to live

so they could stay a while.

Wow, you really had me going there.

Everybody, this calls for a celebration!

Kira, you break out the tempura and I'll put on some music.

[gasps]

[crickets chirping]

CHAS: What happened to my Captain and Tennille?

My record collection!

[screaming]

TOMMY: We can make accent pillows!

[audience laughing]

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