Rugrats Wiki
Advertisement
The Unfair Pair Gallery Transcript

(scene opens up with a splash of milk shown pouring up close from a glass bottle into another, Howard is trying to make the milk even in two bottled, one pink, one blue)

Howard: Ah, that's it. A little more here, I think. Oh, no, too much.

(Betty dresses up Phil in pajamas but accidentally tears it from the back)

Betty: Oh, great. Can ya believe it? I just tore Philly's jammies.

Howard: Oh, don't worry, Betty. There's another pair in the top drawer. (checks the bottles): I guess these are about even. (gives the pink bottle to Lil): Here you go, Lil. (Lil suckles on the bottle, Betty places Phil in bed and tucks him in, gives Phil the blue bottle): Nighty-night, Phil. (kisses him)

Betty: Good night, Lil. (kisses her)

(Howard shuts the light off as he and Betty leave and closes the door)

Lil: (finishes her bottle and goes sleepy): Night, Phil.

Phil: (finishes and goes sleepy as well): Goodnight, Lil.

(they both go to sleep right into the next day, Howard opens the front door, Charlotte and Angelica have arrived)

Howard: Hi, guys!

Charlotte: (comes in): Thanks for looking after Angelica, Howard. I'm sure she and the twins will get along fine this time.

Angelica: Mommy said she'd buy me a new toy if I didn't hurt the babies.

(Angelica runs in as Charlotte goes unsure by this, scene cuts to Phil and Lil playing in their room on a seesaw, one by one, they say "Whee!" when the side goes up and down, Angelica stands by the doorway and clears her throat, but they do not seem to hear her, Angelica clears her throat again, but still nothing until Angelica runs up and jumps on the middle of the seesaw making them stop)

Angelica: Don't you babies have any manners?

Phil: Huh?

Lil: What's wrong, Angelica?

Angelica: Only two people can go on the seesaw, but there's three people in this room. Don't you know what that means?

Lil: Yep!

Phil: Last one on the seesaw's a rotten egg!

(Phil and Lil play on the seesaw again, but Angelica stops them again)

Angelica: No, you dumb babies! It means we gotta play another game--one for three people.

Phil: (jumps off the seesaw): Want to play Reptar with us, Angelica?

(scene cuts to Phil and Lil with a tower of blocks and holding two Reptar dolls, Phil's is green, and Lil's is purple)

Lil: See, Reptar's trying to destroy the city, but only the other Reptar can stop him. Watch, I'm Reptar.

Phil: And I'm the other Reptar.

(They both play fight with their dolls and make roaring noises until Angelica snatches them away from them)

Phil and Lil: Hey!

Angelica: Oh! You babies are so incontinent! (tosses the Reptar dolls aside, pounts): That's also a two people game. This time, we're gonna play a three people game.

Phil: Like what?

Angelica: (picks up a ball) Let's play with your ball; that's a three people game. Ready?

Phil and Lil: Yeah!

(Angelica tosses the ball to them, but notices that Phil and Lil are tossing the ball to each other)

Angelica: You're doing it again!

Phil: Doing what?

Angelica: Ah, forget it! You babies are hopeless. (walks off and sits at a corner holding her Cynthia doll) Everything's always Phil-and-Lil, Phil-and-Lil, Phil-and-Lil! (continuously takes off and puts on Cynthia's head while saying "Phil-and-Lil", takes the head off again): As long as those two got each other to play with, there's never gonna be any room for me. (puts the head back on and thinks of a plan): Unless I can find a way to... (takes the head off once more): ...pull them apart! (laughs fiendishly then walks up to Lil playing ball with Phil): Say, uh, Lil, uh, you're the favorite kid around here, right?

Lil: Huh?

Angelica: Oh, wait a minute, I forgot. It's Phil who's the favorite, isn't it?

Phil: What do you mean, Angelica?

Angelica: Oh, nothing. I just forgot it for a minute which of you was the favorite kid. But then it came to me. How silly of me; it's so obvious.

Lil: The favorite?

Phil: What're you talking about, Angelica?

Angelica: Every family has a favorite kid, right?

Lil: They do?

Angelica: Sure! Look at my family. I'm the favorite. And in Tommy's family, he's the favorite, and Chuckie's the favorite in his family, right?

Lil: But, Angelica, our family has two kids. (holds two fingers)

Angelica: That's right.

Phil: So, how can we both be the favorite?

Angelica: Well, you can't, of course. I guess what it comes down to is: your family's not big enough for the both of ya.

Lil: You mean...?

Angelica: Yep, one of you's the favorite and the other... is the reject.

(Phil and Lil gasp in shock)

Lil: Reject?!

Angelica: The favorite gets all the toys and the attention, and the reject, um... The reject has to live in the basement all by his-self.

(Phil and Lil both gulp nervously)

Phil: But which one of us is the reject?

Angelica: That is the question, isn't it? Guess you'll just have to figure it out for yourselves.

(Angelica leaves the room humming as Phil and Lil look at each other sadly)

Lil: Do you think Angelica was right about the favorite?

Phil: (shakes his head): Nah, she couldn't be. If Daddy or Mommy had a favorite, they'd be much nicer to him.

Lil: You're right. She'd be treated a lot better.

Phil: And Mommy and Daddy treat us both the same.

Lil: (picks up her ball): Right, 'xactly the same.

(Phil and Lil laugh and play ball until Lil stops and gasps thinking about Howard pouring all the milk into Phil's bottle from Lil's)

Howard: There, perfect! (tosses the empty bottle to Lil wearing rags in a broken crib): Here, kid. (Lil wears trashy pajamas and bow in trashy crib. Lil only gets a drip and whimpers sadly, gives the whole bottle to Phil): Here you are, Phillip.

(Phil guzzles down the bottle getting himself drenched and bloated, he finishes and sighs until he lets out a belch)

Betty: And there's more room where that come from, big boy!

Howard: Nighty-night, favorite.

(Betty and Howard both kiss him as Lil sadly watches in tears, the scene goes back to reality as Lil catches the ball and shakes her head in disbelief)

Lil: Nah, can't be.

(the twins continue playing ball until Phil gasps thinking the same thing, Phil is now shown tossed in a dirty crib wearing rags by Betty as he watches her and Howard tuck Lil in a big royal bed with toys and rainbows, with Lil sighing happily)

Howard: If you need anything else, let us know.

Betty: Nighty-night, favorite.

(Betty and Howard kiss Lil good night as Lil falls asleep, Phil shivers sadly as a gust of wind blows and it begins to snow on him, the scene switches back to reality)

Phil: (shakes his head): No, it can't be.

Phil and Lil: (in unison): Can it?

Lil: (angry): Phil, you're the favorite, aren't you?

Phil: Me?! You always get the best stuff!

Lil: (picks up Phil's Reptar doll): Then how come your Reptar doll has all his teeth?

Phil: (goes to her doll): Yours does, too.

Lil: Oh, yeah.

Phil: Well, how come you got the purple one and I only gots green?

Lil: 'Cause green's your favorite color!

Phil: Oh, yeah.

Phil and Lil: Hmm...

Lil: We gotta figure out who the favorite is.

Phil: But how?

(scene cuts to Betty and Howard in the kitchen, Howard takes cookies from the oven off a cookie sheet and placing them on a plate)

Howard: So, I marched myself right in there and said, "Mr. MacDougal, either there are gonna be some changes around here or I'm walking.

Betty: Great! Then what happened?

Howard: I woke up.

Betty: (disappointed): Howard, you're a pistol.

(scene cuts to Angelica with her Cynthia doll holding a chocolate chip cookie)

Angelica: Those dumb babies'll believe anything, huh, Cynthia? I'll teach them to leave me out of their games. From now on, I'll be the favorite. (eats the cookie)

(the twins runs up to Howard and tug on his pants, he turns to them and splits a cookie giving them the halves)

Howard: Here you go, kids.

(the twins run off into the living room)

Angelica: (notices this): Hmm... (gets up and watches them)

Phil: I told you Daddy like you best. You gots more.

Lil: Me? Your cookie's way bigger, Phillip!

Phil: (furiously): Nuh-uh! Yours is, Lillian!

Angelica: Perhaps I could be of some help?

Phil: Yeah, Angelica. Tell us who's cookie's bigger.

Angelica: (takes Phillip's and eats a big part of it, mouthful): Lil's.

Phil: I knew it! That's not fair!

Angelica: (snatches Lil's away): You're right. (eats Lil's half): There, now Phil's is bigger.

Lil: Hey! That's not fair, either!

Angelica: Okay! (eats it all, mouthful): There, now you're even.

Lil: Great!

Phil: Thanks, Angelica!

Angelica: Anytime, guys, anytime.

Lil: But we still don't know who the favorite is.

Angelica: Hmm, good point. Hey, I got an idea. Why don't you guys go play with the telephone?

(the telephone is shown on the cabinet)

Phil: Angelica, we're not a-posed to play with the hello-phone.

Angelica: Ezactly.

Phil and Lil: Huh?

Angelica: When your Mommy and Daddy find you playing with the telephone, something you're never ever supposed to do, what do you think's gonna happen?

Lil: They'll get really, really mad.

Angelica: And who do you think they're gonna get mad at?

Phil and Lil: (both gasp, in unison): The reject!

(They run to the telephone, Angelica leaves with a devious smile, Lil uses an umbrella to rung around the cord knocking the phone down, Phil and Lil laugh as Phil dial numbers, scene cuts to Howard scrubbing the cookie sheet in the sink)

Betty: Howard, you missed a spot over on the side there.

(Howard furiously scrubs)

Angelica: Mr. and Mrs. DeVille!

Betty: What is it, Angelica?

Angelica: I told them not to, but they didn't listen!

Howard: What?

Angelica: It's Phil and Lil! They're playing with the telephone!

Betty: (knowingly): Oh, I better go take a gander. (leaves with Angelica): Howard, keep scrubbing.

Howard: (groans): Oh...

(scene cuts to the twins listening to a man is heard yelling on the receiver in French with the phone stacked on books)

Betty: (takes the receiver): Hello? Hello? (the man continues yelling in French) Oh, yeah? Well, same to you, fella! (hangs up)

Angelica: Mrs. DeVille, aren't the babies gonna get in trouble?

Betty: (smiles): Ah, they're just babies; they didn't know what they were doing. Now you just go out and play, Ange. (leaves)

Phil: Did you see that, Angelica?

Lil: We both didn't get in trouble for playing with the hello-phone.

Phil: So, I guess that means we're both the favorites.

Lil: Yay!

Phil: C'mon, Lil, let's go play! (runs off)

Angelica: Lil, wait. Got something to tell you. It's about the favorite.

Lil: But I thought we was both the favorite.

Angelica: (shakes her head): Sorry, Lil. Now don't tell Phil I told you so, but the favorite is... Phil.

Lil: (shocked): Really?

Angelica: 'Fraid so; you're the reject.

Lil: Wow...

Angelica: Yeah, tough break, huh? Well, you probably wanna go pack and get down to the basement.

Lil: (solemnly): I guess so. (leaves)

Phil: Hey, where's Lil?

Angelica: Never mind, Phil. I got something to tell you.

Phil: What?

Angelica: I think you really ought to know who the favorite is.

Phil: But I thought we was both the favorite.

Angelica: Nope. Now don't tell Lil that I told you, but the favorite is... Lil.

Phil: Wow! Really?

Angelica: Yep, you're the reject, alright.

Phil: (solemnly): Well, that explains a lot. I guess I'll be seeing you around, Angelica. (sadly leaves)

Angelica: (laughing quietly to herself): Heh heh... (does a boxing-like jab with her fist): Boy, I'm good.

(scene cuts to Lil packing her dolls in a blanket in the bedroom, Phil approaches her)

Lil: Phil, I...

Phil: Lil, I... Lil, I know who the favorite is.

Lil: Yeah, me, too.

Phil: I don't know how I coulda missed it.

Lil: Me neither.

Phil: Well, I gotta go.

(scene cuts to Phil opening the basement door, without warning, Lil goes in to as they bump into each other)

Phil and Lil: Hey!

Phil: Lil, you don't have to leave, I'm the reject!

Lil: No, Angelica said I was the reject.

Phil: No, me!

Lil: No, me!

Phil: No, me!

Lil: No, me!

Phil: Me!

Lil: Me!

Phil: ME!

Lil: ME!

Phil: WAIT! I get it now! It's both of us!

Angelica: (walks to them): That's right. You get the picture; you're both rejects!

Lil: But then who's the favorite?

Angelica: Me, of course. I thought you guys would've figure that out a long time ago. Now, why don't you two just go off to the basement so's I can move in and take all your stuff?

(the twins peak down the dark stairway)

Phil: It sure looks dark.

Lil: Yeah, and there's not much light, either.

Phil: Bet there's all kinds of reject stuff down there.

Lil: Like bugs!

Phil: And snails!

Lil: And slimy toads!

Phil: And basement monsters!

Phil and Lil: (pauses then they go happy): Neat!

Lil: Let's go!

Angelica: Wait! It's not neat; it's horrible! You guys are gonna be miserable down there!

Phil: Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever you say, Angelica. C'mon, Lil!

(the twins walk down the basement)

Angelica: IT'S ICKY AND COLD AND FULL OF MUCK, AND YOU HAVE TO STAY THERE FOREVER!!! (Angelica hears Phil and Lil both laughing and playing) PHIL, LIL, COME BACK!!! (Phil and Lil are still heard laughing) (runs after them): WAIT FOR ME, I WANNA BE A REJECT, TOO!

(scene cuts to the three Rugrats coming out of the basement all dirty, and covered in muck all over their clothes.)

Phil: So, you made it all up, Angelica?

Angelica: Yep. Fooled ya, huh?

Lil: But why, Angelica?

Angelica: 'Cause I was tired of you guys always playing with each other and not me.

Lil: Well, it was a pretty good joke.

Phil: And I'm sure glad there's no favorites or rejects.

Lil: Me too.

(they leave into the kitchen where Charlotte is with Betty wearing a pink sweater)

Charlotte: By the way, Betty, that's a lovely sweater.

Betty: Oh, yeah, These new polyester blends are practically indestructible.

Charlotte: Well, I'm afraid I'm just stuck in the past. My favorite's always gonna be angora.

Angelica: (goes confused): Who's Angora?

(the episode ends)

Advertisement