The Santa Experience/Gallery

The Santa Experience	Gallery	Transcript

Gallery

The title card.

A man at the mall operates the snowflake machine

"Then, the grown-ups start acting real nice, and smiling all the time."

"And that's not the worstest part! One night, he comes."

"The scariest guy in the world,"

"Santa Claus!"

"Chuckie, you can't be scared of Santa! He's big and fat and jolly and gives you presents!"

"That's not what I heard!"

"Ho ho ho! And, uh, how are you today, little, um..."

"Angelica."

"A Rocco Mr. X exploding smash-up doll, a Beverly Hills Cynthia lunch box,"

"And a 9/11 emergency surgical kit with working stethoscope!"

"I don't know if Santa..."

"You're a phony!"

"Wow!"

"I thought he only gave you stuff at Christmas."

"Nah, you just gotta know how to work him."

"Stu, can you imagine how upset Angelica must be finding out that that department store Santa was a fake?"

"She doesn't look that upset to me."

"Do you think toys can compensate for what she's been through? She may be traumatized for life!"

"Hey, this is a bunch of junk!"

"They didn't give me any of the stuff I wanted!"

Phil and Lil run away when Angelica swats at them

"She'll still have a better christmas than I ever had."

"What do you mean, Charles? Didn't you ever have a big special dinner with lots of family and presents?"

"Well, when I was a kid, Christmas was always kind of... disappointing."

"The best gift I ever got was a rubber glove and a tongue depressor. I'm just afraid it'll be the same for Chuckie!"

"I just wish I could do something to reaffirm Angelica's faith in Santa."

"Hey, I know! Lets rent a place up in the mountains and do it up right!"

"What a great idea!"

"We can chop down our own tree, and sing carols, and open up presents there on Christmas morning!"

"I'll drink a couple of quarts of eggnog and fall asleep in front of the TV!"

"Just my luck! I get a whole bunch of toys, and not one of them is any fun!"

"And what's this? A Reptar space helmet?"

"Great, just great!"

"I'm telling you, Tommy, that Santa's a bad guy!"

"What's the matter with you?"
"Oh, nothin'."

"I just wish I could figure out what to give Lil for Christmas."

"Right here."
"Gee, thanks, Angelica! What a pal!"

"You can have em', all right,"

"But it's gonna cost you!"

"Not a lot, just your Reptar doll."

"My Reptar doll? But that's my favoritest toy ever!"

"Wait!"

"Okay, okay, Lil's my sister."

"Oh boy! It doesn't get any better than this!"

"I know it's only a few days till Christmas, but don't you have anything?"

"No, I don't think Tijuana's the right location."

"Poor Angelica. Christmas is ruined forever!"

"Hey, I got an idea!"
"Hey, I got an idea!"

"Okay, I was thinking, why don't I dress up as Santa, and come down the chimney on Christmas Eve?"

"And get a glimpse of old St. Nick!"

"Hi, Lil. What you doin'?"

"Trying to figure out something to give Phil for Christmas?"

"Yeah, how'd you know?"

"Mmmm... his building blocks?"

"No, think again."

"His stuffed alligator with the missing eye?"

"No! His Reptar doll!"

"No."

"A Reptar on Ice sing-along record?"

"Hey, that's a great idea, Angelica!"

"But where am I gonna get a Reptar space helmet?"

"What a great trick, Cynthia!"

"But he doesn't have his Reptar doll!"

"Now maybe you heard folks say he's not real, just a fairy tale. Well, it ain't the truth."

"St. Nick is as real as you and me!"

"That's right; I've seen him with my own two eyes."

"Yep, and here's the point of my story."

"You see, Santa may be old, but he's as sharp as a toothpick."

"And if you've been bad, you don't get that special doll you wanted or that fine-lookin' electric train."

"Instead, you get a great big, ugly lump of coal!"

"Of course, none of this applies to any of you sprats! You've all been good as gold!"

"Guess what, everybody? We got a cabin!"

"Is it true that if you're a bad little kid,"

"Santa Claus will give you a lump of coal instead of presents?"

"Sweet dreams, Princess."

"I don't care what they say, Cynthia, that guy Santa can't possibly know that trick I played on Phil & Lil. Can he?"

"CAN HE?!"

"Dumb old Santa. Great trick. Can't know."

"It's Christmas!"

"It can't be! It just can't be!"

"Santa's just a smelly old guy in red pajamas!"

"There's just no way he could have known!

"Phil got a new Reptar doll, Lil got a new coloring book,"

"And what did you get?"

"Huh? What?"

"Daddy! Daddy! What day is it? Is it Christmas?"

Angelica scares Phil and Lil

"Hiya, Phil! Hiya, Lil! Could I talk to you guys for a minute?"

"Oh, you didn't do nothing. It's just I thought I could do you two a favor."

"Come on, kids, Momma's taking you to cut down your first Christmas tree!"

Lou attempts to put up the Christmas wreath

"You sure you want to catch Santa, Tommy? Maybe he'll just leave us alone."

"Doggie door."

"Charlotte, it's so nice that you could finally get away from work to spend the holidays with us."

"I don't care, Jonathan! We've got to crush the competition and we've got to crush them now!"

"Okay, I got the axe."

"Great; I got the permit. Let's go chop ourselves a sapling!"

"As soon as we get on the sled, we'll be able to talk."

Angelica gets muffled

"How bout' this one?"

"Uh, too small."

"How bout' that one?"

"Um, not enough branches in the back."

"Come on, Deed, a tree's a tree."

"Just pick one!"

"Isn't it cute?"

"Eh, good choice, Deed. Now, stand back!"

"I'm gonna chop it down!"

"Oh, no, you don't! Not this tree!"

"Think I could talk to you guys for a second?"

"About presents."

"It all started when the first present was given by the Pilgrims a long, long time ago."

"After that, everybody started giving presents. Even the Easter Bunny started giving them, till' Santa slapped him with a lawsuit."

Phil and Lil watch Angelica sled down the hill

Tommy and Chuckie block off the dog door

"Tell those personnel people to remove paragraph three and replace it with a Santa Claus, uh, I mean a sanity clause."

"Well, suppose a kid tried to make up for something bad, but she couldn't fix it. Would Santa still bring her a lump of coal?"

"Oh, Angelica. You're such a good little girl! I don't know why you have so many questions about bad children."

Tommy and Chuckie get tired

"Time to put the young'uns to bed."

Didi and Betty watch the babies fall asleep

"Must... stay... awake. Must..."

"Chuckie!"

"What? What, what is it? Is Santa here?"

"Maybe I'll just make myself comfy while I wait."

The adults sing Joy to the World

"Listen, something I learned in life and that is to be a self-starter!"

"Everywhere I am today, I have done myself!"

"Why did I do it? Why did I take Phil's Reptar doll? Why did I take Lil's coloring book?"

"Wait till' they get a load of this!"

Drew is satisfied when he hears that the guy he hired to play Santa is coming

Lou falls asleep watching TV

"You said it."

"Don't let this very special time of year become a nightmare for you. Call 1-800-555-YULE, and talk to someone who cares."

"555-5555!"

"Cogs Unlimited."

"I just wanted to find out if I'm on the good list or the bad list this year."

"Oh yes, Angelica; you're on the... oh yes, you're on the bad list!"

"It's over, Cynthia. My future as a kid is over!"

"That Santa guy must be in good shape."

Chuckie rushes out of his crib to check the traps...

...as do Phil and Lil.

Stu gets back up

"Wow. It was only your dad, Tommy."

"Boy, for a minute there, I was gettin' really scared."

"I thought it was Santa."

Chas is trapped in the fireplace

Chas scares Tommy, Chuckie, Phil, and Lil

"It's okay, Chuckie! It's just... me."

Chuckie stops being scared...

...as do Tommy, Phil, and Lil.

Chuckie hugs Chas

"Oh, Chuckie!"

"That's not Santa!"

"That's just Chuckie's dad!"

"There is no Santa! I'm saved!"

The real Santa arrives

"Santa!"

"Little problem with the chimney, hmm?"

"Merry Christmas, Tommy!"

"Phil, Lil, aren't you guys up past your bedtime?"

"Merry Christmas, Chuckie! Still think I'm so scary?"

"Well, gotta go. Another 900 million children on my list."

"Well, since it is almost morning anyway, why don't we all open our presents?"

"Gee, Thanks, Lil."

"A Reptar space helmet."

"A box of crayons."

"What's wrong, Lil?"

"I gave..."

"Never mind."

"You mean you..."

"Did you trade Angelica your Reptar doll just to get me these crayons?"

"And you traded your coloring book to get me my Reptar space helmet!"
"Thanks!"

"Ahem! Merry Christmas!"

"Thanks, Angelica!"
"Ewww, baby germs!"

"Hello? Yeah, this is Drew Pickles."

"I'm calling from my car phone. You see, my car skidded off the road,"

"And I'm not gonna be able to make it tonight to do the Santa thing. Can... can we reschedule? Mr. Pickles?"

"What do you mean, you can't make it?"

"Oh, wouldn't you know it? The guy I hired to play Santa can't make it. He..."

"Drew, who's that?"

Angelica gasps when she sees a small lump of coal in the garage

"Angelica, is that a lump of coal?"

Santa flies off into the distance.