|The Finster Who Stole Christmas (Episode)||Gallery||Transcript|
[In the school hallway, which is festively decorated, students are seen excitedly running out of the classrooms, and exchanging presents to one another. Tommy, Dil, Chuckie, Phil, and Lil are walking down the hall, and then the block.]
Dil: This is what I'm saying: Christmas snagged all the righteous tunes. You've got your "Silent Night", your "White Christmas", your "Jingle Bells, Batman smells". What's Hanukkah got?
Tommy: The Dreidel Song?
Dil: Yeah. That song makes no sense. Why would anyone make a dreidel out of clay, when the plastic ones are basically free?
Phil: He-hey guys. My mom ever so slightly burnt 3 dozen angel cookies. They're ours for the gorgin'!
Susie: Sounds like your mom is already deep into the holiday spirit.
Lil: She started cooking back in September.
Phil: The Frank Insinger pork roast is looking particularly nasty. (high-fives with Tommy, then turns to Susie) What 'bout you, Sus?
Susie: You know, the whole Carmichael family descending to pinch your cheeks, and hug you too hard. (Chuckie frowns sadly) I love the holidays. Oh, did I tell you? I got a solo in the Annual Unity of Faith concert at my church!
Tommy: Way to go!
Lil: We'll be there!
Phil: Wouldn't miss it!
(They continue walking, as Chuckie trudges behind)
Dil: You know bro, that would be the perfect venue to premiere our soon-to-be classic Hanukkah song.
Tommy: What Hanukkah song?
Dil: The one that's soon to be famous! Pickles Brothers are going to pay.
Tommy: You know, that's not such a bad idea.
Dil: It's genius! I mean, how hard can it be to make up a song? I do it in the shower every morning; And guys, I sound good.
Susie: So, Angelica's seeing an aspen, Phil and Lil will be decking the halls; What have you guys got planned for the holidays, Chuckie?
Chuckie: Oh, the usual: High expectations met by crushing disappointment. (walks away solemnly, Lil and Susie looking sympathetic)
(In Chuckie's bedroom, he and Tommy are watching old videos on the TV. The first shows a long-haired Chas, in vintage black and white, with a pathetic-looking tree)
Chuckie: It's amazing; 20 years of Finster Christmases on one convenient DVD. (the video switches to one of Chas, and infant Chuckie, in full color) And each one more depressing than the next. (Baby Chuckie reaches for the brittle tree, but all the branches fall off; he starts crying, so Melinda comes rushing over)
Tommy: Awe com on, lighten up. Your dad's going to love this gift. (The video now shows Chuckie and Kimi in their Rugrats stages, with another brittle tree; Chas gently nudges Chuckie, who is holding an ornament, to the tree, but Chuckie runs off crying, dropping the ornament as Chas goes after him. Kimi starts crying as well, so Kira comes rushing in.) When's your mom getting back from Japan with Kimi?
Chuckie: Christmas Eve. My uncle's recovering nicely from the bad sushi incident. (presses a button on the DVD player) I don't know what it is about my dad and Christmas. Fourth of July, awesome.
Tommy: The man's a maniac for Arbor Day.
Chuckie: But Christmas? (spittles a bit for emphasis) Just once, I'd like a big, fancy celebration like everyone else. But you know what he'd say? "Christmas starts with family, and ends with family." (presses a button again)
Tommy: Maybe if he had better trees. (the video now shows Fifi running around the living room, with the tree in her mouth and Chas chasing her) Those are some of the sorriest Christmas trees I've ever seen.
Chuckie: Now that you say it, they all are kind of sickly.
Tommy: And brittle.
Chuckie: And brown. (stands up) If you've got a lousy tree, you're not gonna spring for the good tinsel. (starts pacing back and forth) And if you skip on the tinsel, why even bother with the mistletoe, the eggnog, and the gingerbread houses? It all makes sense now. 20 years of bad trees...
Tommy: 20 years of bad Christmases.
Chuckie: This time, when my dad and I go tree shopping, I'm gonna make sure we get a tree infected with the holiday spirit. And not termites.
(Later at the tree lot, it's snowing from a snow machine.)
Tree Salesman: (sets a large tree in front of Chas and Chuckie) Here she is; Top of the line. Needles as soft as a cat's back. And just take a whiff.
Chas: (sniffs the tree) Wow! (Chuckie eagerly admires the tree) It's like having the Rockies in your own home! Got anything less... majestic?
Chuckie: (frowns disappointedly) Ohh.
Tree Salesman: We've got some nice 5-footers. (starts leading them to the selection)
Chuckie: Come on, Dad, an eight-footer is a great deal. It's like buying in bulk; You like to buy in bulk.
Chas: Oh yeah, but only corn dogs and eye drops. The holidays aren't about the trappings, it's about being together. You know what I say.
Chuckie: (rolls his eyes secretly) Christmas starts with family, and ends with family.
Chas: (stops walking) Oh, how about those? (points to brittle, brown trees)
Tree Salesman: You mean Death Valley?
Chuckie: (now frustrated) D'ohhh!
Chas: (points at one that's slightly taller than him) Oh, how much for that beauty?
Tree Salesman: 20 bucks. (a small drift of snow lands on a branch, so the entire top falls off) 15.
Chas: (whispering to a frustrated Chuckie, who has his hands over his eyes in exasperation) We'll come back for it tomorrow; It'll be down to 10. (turns to the salesman) Thank you!
Chuckie: (hides his eyes again) Ohhh!
(The next day, Chuckie is walking up a slightly slanted sidewalk solemnly by himself, kicking a pinecone along the way. He watches as a blue car with a large, pink-ish white tree tied to the roof drives by. He then witnesses a couple walking in their houses with presents in their arms, laughing happily. Now angry, Chuckie kicks the pinecone with a lot more force, but in a chain reaction it hits a trash can and a palm tree, then knocks a Santa statue off of a roof and in the grass.)
Chuckie: Oopsie. (goes over and hoists it up, but by another set of trash cans, he sees a full, wrapped up green tree propped up on the cans. He smiles with delight, and walks up to it) They're throwing this out? You poor thing! (starts walking backwards and hunched over while struggling to hold the tree. As he drags it by the house, a man comes out from the front door.)
Man: Honey, where's the tree?
(Chuckie is hoisting the tree along the sidewalks, using different ways of holding it to keep from losing it. He huffs and puffs when he has the tree on his back. He tries rolling it while walking backwards down a hill, but its wrapping breaks, so it rolls after him as he hastily runs away. He carries it behind his back, but he bumps face-first into a pole.) Ow. (he falls backwards deliriously)
(Cut to the Finster living room, where Chas is walking in with his hands over his eyes)
Chuckie: (sounds excited) Don't open, Dad! Don't open! Don't open! Up-up-up-up-up! Okay, now... open!
Chas: (uncovers his eyes, and sees the impressive tree by the window) Wow! It's beautiful, Chuckie! Where'd you get it? It must've cost you a fortune.
Chuckie: Uh, not really; They were practically giving them away. So what do you think?
Chas: Oh gosh, I don't know. Doesn't seem like a Finster tree. I mean it's so... so...
Chuckie: Green? (feels sad) I just want to have a merry little Christmas this year. If you don't like it...
Chas: No, no! No! It's wonderful, Chuckie! I-I-I (sighs) Thank you, son. (gives Chuckie a sheepish smile, so Chuckie smiles back.)
(Cut to the Java Lava, which is festively decorated, in the evening. As Phil helps with decorating, Tommy and Dil are working on a Hanukkah song. They stares at the keyboard, before Tommy turns it off.)
Tommy: Let's take a break.
Dil: Yeah, I'm dreidel-y spent.
Betty: (walks out of the kitchen with Lil, each of them holding a tray, and wearing matching festive sweaters) Get your new holiday drink samples!
Susie: What are they?
Betty: We've got Honey Baked Java, Yam Latte, Figgy Pudding Moch-y-ato...
Susie: I'll pass.
Tommy: Maybe later.
Dil: Um, acid reflux.
Chuckie: I'll try one. (takes one of the cups, and sips from it; he then lays back in his chair, and sighs in relaxation)
Lil: Chuckie, wow! Since when are you the brave one?
Chuckie: What can I say? I'm full of Christmas spirit this year. Heehaw. (drinks more of the sample)
Phil: Hey, speaking of brave, did you guys hear about that Christmas tree that was stolen the other night?
Phil: Right in front of the house on Greenfield.
Chuckie: (spits out the latte in shock; mumbles as he wipes his mouth) Stolen?
Phil: Yep. The Hillickis. (steps down from the stool) Well, I guess that's one family that won't be having a merry Christmas this year.
Susie: What kind of person steals the symbol of love and human understanding? (glares angrily) Sicko!
Chuckie: (looks around nervously)
Betty: I say we double up on our neighborhood watch. Flush 'em out of town like the vermin they are!
Chuckie: 'Scuse me. (runs to the bathroom, one hand on his stomach and one over his mouth; the others vaguely hear him puke in the bathroom)
Betty: Looks like a big no for the fig latte.
(Cut to outside the Java Lava, where Chuckie is breathing in a paper bag, with Tommy sitting next to him for support)
Tommy: You stole a Christmas tree?
Chuckie: (pops the bag from his heavy breathing) I didn't know! Help me, Tommy; I don't want to get flushed out of town. I like this town! I know where everything is! (cries in his hands fearfully)
Tommy: Hey, if you thought they were throwing it out, then it wasn't really stealing.
Chuckie: (unveils his face) It wasn't?
Tommy: Sure. All you gotta do is tell your dad what happened, and take it back. He'll understand.
Chuckie: (stands up) Of course he will. He didn't seem to like it that much, anyway. (He and Tommy walk away)
(They go to the Finster house, and in the living room.)
Chuckie: Lookit, he hasn't even decorated it yet, Tommy. This'll be a snap. (They see Chas walk in, carrying a box full of ornaments.) Uh, Dad? I need to tell you something.
Chas: Oh sure, just let me put these ornaments down. (sets the box on the floor)
Chuckie: You bought new Christmas tree ornaments?
Betty: (walks in, carrying 3 boxes at once) 16 boxes!
Chas: I started putting the old ones in old faithful here. I can't believe no one told me how shaudy they look.
Chuckie: But Dad, you said the holidays begin and end with family.
(The oven dings from the kitchen)
Chas: Oh! I smell gingerbread!
Tommy: You're baking cookies?
Chas: No, houses. A complete gingerbread town. Right down to the emergency call boxes. (runs to the kitchen)
Betty: (takes out wreath garland from one of the boxes) So, you boys ready to see this puppy fired up? (plugs in a cord, so lights on the garland start luminating the room along with light-up choir angels) Your father's been workin' on it all day!
Chuckie: (the lights shine in his eyes as he admires them) Wow!
Chas: (walks in the living room with a tray of cookies) Chuckie, is there something you wanted to tell me?
Chuckie: What? Uh... (nervously glances at Tommy) Uh, oh yeah... I uh, I wish Kimi and Kira were here to see this.
Chas: Oh, they'll see it. They should be getting on their plane right now. (goes and hugs Chuckie tightly) Oh Chuckie, this is going to be the best Christmas! (Chuckie secretly gazes at the tree sadly)
(Cut to an airport in Japan, where Kimi and Kira are at a service booth)
Kira: What do you mean we're bumped?
Japanese Airline Rep: Your flight is full. You were bumped. Next.
Kira: (holds up hers and Kimi's tickets) But we bought these tickets 3 months ago.
Japanese Airline Rep: Yes, but you missed your first flight, which means you are on standby for this flight, which means you are bumped. Next.
Kimi: Mom! They can't get away with that!
Kira: Getting mad never solves anything. We'll just wait for the next flight. (walks away with their luggage)
Japanese Airline Rep: (to Kimi) Thank you for almost flying Japan International, where service is almost job 1.
Kimi: (groans, and walks after Kira)
(Cut to outside the Finster house, where Chuckie and Tommy are sitting on the sidewalk. Tommy is eating one of Chas' cookies.)
Chuckie: I couldn't do it to him, Tommy. He actually bought new ornaments. Usually he just duct-tapes the old ones.
Tommy: Man, this is some rockin' gingerbread.
Chuckie: Tommy! How am I going to live with myself, knowing another family is going tree-less, all because I wanted to have visions of sugar plums dancing in my head?! (Tommy looks at him) It's a metaphor. (stands up) I know! Why don't I just buy the Hillickis another tree?
Tommy: But you said those trees were mega-bucks.
Chuckie: Not when you've been trained in the Finster school of Christmas Tree shopping. Trust me. (pulls Tommy up on his feet by his arm) I'll have that lumberjack man begging me to take one of his trees off his hands.
(Cut to the tree lot, where all but one moderately-green tree are gone)
Chuckie: 50 dollars?! Isn't there some way you can come down? 49.99? (grabs the salesman's leg in desperation) Come on, it was 20 bucks yesterday!
Tree Salesman: Supply and demand, kid.
(Cut to Chuckie now carrying the tree up the sidewalk with Tommy's help)'
Tommy: You saved up all year for that money.
Chuckie: I know, but it's all worth it, knowing those 6 little Hillicki children will have a tree to wake up to on Christmas morning. Besides, I still have 3 dollars and 58 cents left. Hold on. (lets go of the tree to rub his nose, Tommy dropping the tree as well in surprise, so it rolls down the sidewalk on the road.)
(They sigh in relief when it stops close to them on the road, but they gasp in horror after a red pickup truck runs over it. Now there's a mess of bark and pine needles in its wake. Chuckie picks up a branch with some needles on it.)
Tommy: Uh... tinsel, some lights, uh... maybe no one'll know.
Chuckie: (holds the branch to his face as he whimpers in despair)
(Cut to the Java Lava, where Betty is setting up a security camera. Susie is at the counter, while Dil is at a table.)
Dil: Yo Susie, you got a word that rhymes with dreidel?
Susie: (thinks for a second) Nothing rhymes with dreidel. Maybe that's why Hanukkah has only one song.
(Tommy and Chuckie walk in)
Dil: Hey Mozart, where have you been? We've got moocho work to do.
Chuckie: (moans sadly as he sits in a chair across from Tommy)
Lil: What's the matter, Chuckster? Holiday blues got you down? (realizes what she said) Oh no; Now I'm even sounding like my mother.
Betty: Well, who wouldn't be disappointed this year? We got some punk goin' around, stealin' Christmas trees. That's why I'm puttin' in this here high-tech survelliance camera.
Susie: I wouldn't worry about those thieves. They'll get what's coming to them one way or another.
Chuckie: What does that mean?
Susie: You can't steal the meaning of Christmas without the big guy upstairs not hearing about it. Whoever took the Hillickis' tree is in for a wicked smiting.
Phil: You know. (makes hissing and exploding noises)
Betty: Hey-hey Chuckie, smile. You're on criminal camera! (points the camera to Tommy's table, but doesn't see Chuckie in the seat anymore) Chuckie? (they see the door swinging from Chuckie running outside)
(Cut to the Finster house in the living room, where Chas and a choir are singing by the fully-decorated tree.)
Chas/Choir: Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree. How lovely are your branches?
(As they sing, Chuckie walks in, and shows surprise at the scene)
Chas: (sees Chuckie at the doorway) Oh, hello son, we were just rehearsing for the party.
Chuckie: (raises an eyebrow in surprise) You? A party?
Chas: From now on, the name Finster will be synonymous with Christmas fun. Hey, slap on a bonnet, and join the choir. We're singing "Oh Christmas Tree." (sings with the choir) Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, how lovely are your branches?
Chuckie: I think I'll go to bed. (heads for his room) I'm drained.
Chas: (quietly) Okay, we'll try to keep it down for you. (turns to the choir and sings with them again, but more quietly) Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree. How lovely are your branches?
(Cut to Chuckie's bedroom, where he's squirming in his sleep)
[In Chuckie's subconscious]
(He is in a dark forest, in front of a house. He hears sobbing, so he nervously walks up, and peeks in the window. He sees a family dressed in a Middle Ages style with accents to match.)
Little boy: Don't cry, Mummy. We'll have a tree next year. (They turn to an empty tree stand.)
Little Girl: Oh, crooks are wretched thieves!
Father: Now now, is that any way to talk on the Lord's day? Now let's say grace.
(Chuckie backs away from the house in guilt, before he turns and runs deeper into the forest. He then trips on a root, and falls on his stomach. He shudders when the trees start moving. Two trees move aside, revealing a festively-decorated Christmas tree.)
Chuckie: (whimpers fearfully) Y-yes?
Tree: It's me-e-e.
Chuckie: Uh... m-me who?
Tree: Who do you think? Who's the burning bush guy? (catches on fire)
(A lightning bolt flashes, just as Chuckie snaps awake from his nightmare)
Chuckie: (sits up in his bed) Aah! (breathes heavily) I'm gonna be smited! I'm gonna be wicked smited!
(Cut to a Hawaiian aiport, where Kira and Kimi are at a service booth)
Kira: I said Hawaii, Chas!
Hawaiian Airline Rep: Aloha! Good news!
Kira: Chas, I have to go. I'll call you later. (hangs up, then turns to the rep) You found our luggage?
Hawaiian Airline Rep: No, but I'm authorized to give you this itty bitty bag on Macadamian nuts! (holds up a small bag)
Kira: (is trying to stay calm) I'd rather you tell us where our luggage is.
Hawaiian Airline Rep: They are salty and delicious.
Kimi: (lunges on the desk angrily, surprising the rep) Where's our luggage?!
Kira: (pulls her down) Kimi, let's stay positive. I'm sure he's doing everything he can.
Hawaiian Airline Rep: They are very good with chocolate, these nuts!
(Kira accepts the bag defeatedly)
(Cut to the Big Mall, which is festively decorated)
Lil: Let's go to the Mango Club. Their new fleece collection just came in.
Chuckie: Great idea. Maybe they'll sell me 3 dollars and 58 cents worth of LINT.
Phil: What's up with him?
Tommy: It's two days to Christmas, Dil, we need a song!
Dil: Uh... how about a dance? That might be easier.
Tommy: A dance?
Dil: Yeah, uh, the Hanukkah Hustle, the Dreidel Hula? Chuckie's with with me on this, aren't you, C-Man?
Chuckie: (is glaring at a large, white Christmas tree) You! You're the cause of my misery! You're the reason the poor Hillicki children are suffering right now! You! You with your soft branches, and perfectly spaced ornaments! (Tommy walks up to him) Look at it, Tommy. Just standing here, mocking me! Mocking me!
Lil: What's he talking about, Tommy?
Tommy: I, uh...
Chuckie: (angrily walks up to the mall Santa, who was waving at him) What are you looking at, fat man?!
Santa: Give me a break. (pats his stomach, as the two little kids by him run away fearfully) The holidays are stressful.
Chuckie: Well Christmas is a sham. What do you say to that, huh?! I mean, look at this! (gestures to a sign at the second level) "Away in a Manager Special." This is the meaning of Christmas?!
Tommy: (grabs his arm) Chuckie, let's go!
Chuckie: Fine, I'll go. But not without one of these! (jumps across Santa's lap, and grabs a candy cane from the box. An alarm sounds off as people dressed like elves come to stop him.)
Santa: Hey, those are for customers only! (The elves grab onto Chuckie's wrists and ankles, while Santa's hands are on Chuckie's head and back.)
Chuckie: (struggles) Help me!
(Phil and Tommy escort Chuckie to a bench, where they sit with him.)
Phil: What's wrong, Chuckie?
Lil: I've never seen you like this. (pauses for a beat) It's kind of attractive.
Chuckie: (inhales deeply) I'm the sicko who stole the tree!
(Phil, Lil, and Dil gasp in shock)
Tommy: It was an accident, guys. He thought they were turfin' it.
Chuckie: I made one little mistake, and now the whole town is after me. The man upstairs wants to zap me. I even have elves on my case. You know you're in trouble when the elves are after you.
Lil: I'm sure whatever you did, Chuckie, God will forgive you.
Chuckie: I took the light and joy out of a family's Christmas! If you don't get smited for that, what do you get smited for? I might as well stick a lightning rod on my head. (gasps and shields himself when sparks from a welder on the second level shower down on him.) Maybe you guys shouldn't be sitting next to me right now. (stands up, and walks away) Look for me at my dad's party. I'll be the one who's charred. (runs for cover when more sparks shower down)
(Cut to the Finster house, where the party is going on. From the couch, Phil and Lil admire decorations that show the birth of Jesus.)
Chas/Choir: Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree. How lovely are your branches?
(Tommy walks up and sits next to Chuckie, who is sitting on the floor away from the guests.)
Chuckie: I finally got the Christmas I always wanted, and I couldn't be more miserable.
(The house phone rings)
Chas: Hold on, everybody! That could be Kira! (answers the phone) Hello? Oh, hi Kira! (waits for a couple beats) Stuck in Mexico? Oh no! (hangs up) They won't be home for Christmas!
Chuckie: This is all my fault. Ever since I took that tree, everything's been turning bad. I wish I'd never seen it.
Tommy: Well, you stole the tree; Maybe you can un-steal it.
Chuckie: How do I do that?
Tommy: You steal it.
(Cut to later that night, where the gang are dressed in ninja-like outfits for the plan. Tommy gives them the all-clear, so they sneak in the house through the window, Dil going first.)
Tommy: (quietly, with a thumbs-up) Nice work.
(They duck down the front door opens, then see Chuckie.)
Chuckie: I was going to let you in.
Tommy: (gives the gang gestures with his hands, but they don't understand.) Go! (They try to squeeze the tree, with the decorations still on it, through the window, with Dil getting squished.)
Chuckie: (from another window) Uh, guys? The door?
(Cut to Mexico, outside a taco restaurant. Kimi and Kira are dropped off by a bus.)
Kira: No thank you. (coughs from the smoke) Gracias. (walks along the sidewalk with Kimi) No thank you.
Kimi: I'm proud of you, Mom.
Kira: No thank you, gracias. (to Kimi) Why? We're going to miss Christmas.
Kimi: Yeah, but through it all, you kept your cool.
Kira: Thanks, Kimi. Means a lot to me to hear you say that.
(A taxi drives up, and Kira opens the door. But when she glances at Kimi, a man goes in the taxi.)
Kira: (finally snaps) I've been through 3 states, and 2 continents! (throws the man out and on the sidewalk) I've been patient through 4 time zones! This cab is mine! Mine! It's mine!
(Cut to outside the Hillicki house, where the gang leave the tree with a small "Noel" tag, and ring the doorbell.)
Tommy: (quietly singing) Latkes all around...
Dil: (quietly singing with him) In my ears and in my eyes...
Tommy: Latkes is all around...
Dil: In my nose and on my thighs...
(Suddenly, the house light turns on)
Phil: Go, go, go! (they run away before they could be seen)
(Cut to the Finster living room, where the tree is gone, the next morning.)
Chas: Oh Chuckie, I'm so sorry.
Chuckie: Dad, it wasn't your fault. It was those darn tree thieves! (tries to look upset) Why us? Why?!
Chas: Betty warned me. I should've given you that dog early.
Chuckie: (now excited) I'm getting a dog?!
Chas: No. Still, who takes a tree and leaves a Kidmin X game?
Chuckie: He probably thought they were all Grandma sweaters. You got me Kidmin X game?
Chas: No. (sighs sadly) Well, Kimi and Kira are stuck in Mexico, our tree is gone. Christmas is officially ruined. (fiddles with Chuckie's hair) Where'd all these pine needles come from?
Chuckie: Okay! Okay! I did it! I stole the tree, twice! Maybe three times. The way Tommy said it, I'm still confused!
Chas: Just tell me what happened, son.
Chuckie: I just wanted a big Christmas, like everyone else has. Now we have nothing.
(They turn to the door when it opens, and are delighted when Kimi and Kira enter.)
Chas/Chuckie: Kira! Kimi!
(They walk up to the girls, and hug them in turn in a heartwarming reunion)
Chas: You see, Chuckie? We don't have nothing. We have everything. Sometimes we... we all forget that. I know I did.
Kira: Wow! Look at this place! Hey, what happened to the tree?
Chuckie: How about I tell you over breakfast?
Kira: Sure. In the meantime, (takes out a miniature tree) anything's better than the trees you pick out, sweetheart. (places the tree on the stand.)
Chuckie: You're right, Dad. Christmas does begin and end with family.
(As Susie's singing is heard, we zoom away from the Finster house, through the town, and to the church, where Susie is performing for her friends, their families, her own family, and various guests in the church.)
Susie: The First Noel, the angel did say was to certain poor shepherds in fields as they lay. In fields as they lay, keeping their sheep, on a cold winter's night that was so deep. Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel. Born is the King of Israel. (the audience applauds for her.) Now, representing our Jewish brothers and sisters, here's a little something you probably haven't heard. (She and the choir step back, before Tommy and Dil take the stage.)
Tommy/Dil: They're frying in the kitchen, they're burning in the pot! Latkes all around us! Get 'em while they're hot! Latkes is all around us, in my ears and in my eyes! Latkes is all around, in my nose and on my thighs! They're crispy, crunchy, salty! Eat 'em by the stack! Latkes all around us! Gonna make you fat! Hanukkah is coming, so shred those taters fast! Be thankful it's a holiday, where you don't have to fast!
(The audience applauds them, as the screen fades to black)