Sand Ho! Gallery Transcript

[The episode begins with a close-up of a brown surface with thin black vertical lines. The camera zooms out, revealing those lines to be the pages of a book, which Grandpa Lou opens. A pop-up illustration of a pirate holding a gun in one hand and a sword in the other, standing atop a treasure chest, is shown.]

Lou: "Blackbeard stood over the ancient tattered map, smiling evilly, and rubbing his gnarled hands together!"

[The camera zooms out, revealing not only Lou to be looking at the book, but also Tommy. Lou is wearing glasses with hinged sunglass lenses and a red spotted bandana, and Tommy is wearing an orange shirt with white stripes, as opposed to his normal light blue.]

Lou: "Shiver me timbers, a king's ransom in gold doubloons! But you'll never live to spend it!"

[Lou turns the page, revealing an illustration of two pirates swordfighting each other on the deck of a pirate ship.]

Lou: "I'll send your miserable bones to Davy Jones' locker! Arrgh! Arrgh! Get the picture, scout?"

[Lou lowers one of the lenses of his glasses, making it look like a pirate's eyepatch.]

Lou: "These two swashbucklers are about to slice each other up cause' both of em' wants that old treasure all for himself! Ahoy there!"

[Tommy turns around and sees Didi leading Chuckie, Phil, and Lil into the backyard.]

Lou: "Why if it ain't Black Chuck with his scurvy crew, Phil and Lil!"
Didi: "Oh, Pop! Don't tell me you're reading Tommy that pirate book again! Pirates are too scary for one-year olds!"

[Chuckie flinches in agreement.]

Lou: "Oh, horsefeathers! Captain Largo may be one mean customer, but Tommy and me have him well in hand! Don't we, scout?"

[Lou pets Tommy on his head, and Tommy giggles. As she talks to Lou, Didi removes her glasses.]

Didi: "Well, I suppose it's all right. Say, would you mind looking after the rest of these little 'buccaneers' while I do the laundry?"

[Didi puts her glasses back on and turns around. Chuckie, Phil, and Lil, who are holding onto Lou's chair's armrests, climb down.]

Lou: "Aye, me comely wench!"
Didi: "Oh, Pop!"

[Didi closes the back door. Lou then yawns and stretches.]

Lou: "Now, where were we? Oh, yeah."

[As Lou tells his pirate story to Tommy,Chuckie, Phil, and Lil, they all back up to give him space as he gets out of his chair and sets the book down in the sandbox.]

Lou: "Those two old sea dogs were about to carve each other up over the treasure map! And, uh..."

[Tommy, Chuckie, Phil, and Lil all crawl up to the book. Lou turns the page, revealing an illustration of a treasure map.]

Lou: "Hey, here it is! This is how these old pirates are gonna find their way to the treasure!"

[Lou runs his finger across the dotted line, until he reaches the X.]

Lou: "See, 'X' marks the spot!"

[Lou yawns. As he tries to continue the story, he gets back in his chair.]

Lou: "Now then, Captain Largo was fighting to keep his treasure and... then, there was a swordfight. And then..."

[Before he can finish the story, Lou falls asleep and snores. Tommy, Chuckie, Phil, and Lil all look down at the illustration of the pirates swordfighting.]

Tommy, Chuckie, Phil, and Lil: "Wow!"

[Chuckie points to an illustration of a pirate wearing a white bandana on his head.]

Chuckie: "Why's that man got a diaper on his head?"
Tommy: "Cause' he's a pirate. And it's not a diaper, it's a banana!"

[Tommy pulls Lou's bandana off his head and ties it onto his head, making him look like a pirate.]

Phil: "Wow! Wish we was pirates!
Lil: "Me too!"
Tommy: "Maybe we could be!"
Phil and Lil: "How?"

[As Tommy talks to Phil and Lil, he walks across the sandbox.]

Tommy: "Well, according to Grandpa, all we gotta do, is tie me buckles, shiver me fingers, and find a treasure!"
Chuckie: I don't know, Tommy!"

[Chuckie walks up to the pirate book and looks down at the pop-up illustrations of the pirates.]

Chuckie: "I mean, look at these guys! This one's only got one leg!"

[Chuckie hops on one leg across the sandbox.]

Chuckie: "This one's only got one eye!"

[Chuckie puts his hand over his glasses.]

Chuckie: "And this pirate's got a hook for a hand!"

[Phil and Lil giggle at Chuckie.]

Phil and Lil: "Yeah! Let's do it! Let's be pirates!"

[Phil and Lil walk up to Tommy. They all turn to face Chuckie when they hear him.]

Chuckie: "But you guys, we don't even know where a treasure is!"

[Tommy, who is now holding his bottle, flips through the pirate book and gets to the pages with the treasure map.]

Tommy: "Here's our treasure! Alls we gotta do is go to the 'X'!"

[Tommy points to the X on the map. He then stands up.]

Tommy: "If you want your share of a booties, then follow me, mateys!"

[Tommy walks across the sandbox, then falls in the sand.]

Tommy: "Yoof!"

[Tommy stands up, revealing his face to be covered in sand, which looks like stubble. Tommy wipes his face with his hand, then he, Phil, and Lil walk away, with Chuckie following behind them.]

Chuckie: "Tommy, I don't think that place on the map is even around here!"

[Tommy climbs into his wagon and picks up his bottle.]

Tommy: "I'm not Tommy! I'm Long Tom Silver, and you're my squirrely crew!"

[Phil and Lil climb into Tommy's wagon, and Chuckie reluctantly follows them.]

Tommy: "Come on, you sea dogs!"

[Tommy points ahead, then looks into his bottle like a telescope.]

Lil: "Dogs? I thought we was pirates!"
Tommy: "We're sea dogs, and we're pirates! The most fearsomest pirates on the spinach main!"
Chuckie: "Why do we all have to be up here on the wagon?"
Tommy: "This isn't a wagon! It's a boat!"

[As Chuckie talks to Tommy, he climbs out of the wagon.]

Chuckie: "Well, I'm getting off the boat, now! I can't breathe!"
Tommy: "You better get back on board, Black Chuck, you're standing in the ocean!"

[Chuckie turns to face Tommy.]

Chuckie: "What do you mean, 'The ocean?' We're in your backyard, Tommy!"
Tommy: "Not anymore!"
Chuckie: "Huh?"

[In keeping with the babies' imaginations, the scene suddenly changes to the middle of the ocean, and Chuckie looks down. His feet are now in the water. he, Tommy, Phil, and Lil all gasp as Chuckie sinks into the water. Chuckie then pokes his head out.]

Chuckie: "I knew this wasn't such a good idea!"

[A view of the sun is shown. The camera moves down and Tommy, Phil, Lil, and a very wet Chuckie, are seen riding the wagon across the water. Tommy looks through his bottle like a telescope, and Grandpa sleeping in his chair in the sandbox can be seen in the water.]

Tommy: "Sand ho!"
Lil: "That looks like your sandbox, Tommy!"
Tommy: "Nope, it's a desert island!"

[A desert island with a rock formation that resembles a man sitting in a chair is shown.]

Tommy: "And unless I missed my guest, there's a treasure on it!"

[The camera moves past Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil, until it reaches a bush. Angelica peers out from behind it. A bird squawks as it flies past her.]

Angelica: "Treasure, eh? I wonder what kind of treasure those babies have! Well, whatever it is, pretty soon, it's gonna be mine! All mine! Ha ha ha ha ha!"

[Tommy's wagon stops near the island. Tommy jumps out and walks onto it.]

Tommy: "I claim this island for the king and clean!"

[Chuckie is now sitting on the island, pouring a large amount of sand out of his shoe.]

Chuckie: "I think I got sand in my shoe."

[Tommy is now holding a telescope.]

Tommy: "Real pirates like sand in their shoes!"

[Tommy looks at the map through his telescope.]

Tommy: "Hmmm."

[A view through the telescope is seen as Tommy moves it over an illustration of a skull-shaped rock, near the words, SKULL ROCK in black letters. Tommy then moves it to a jack-o-lantern shaped halloween pail.]

Tommy: "Skull Rock!"

[Tommy then points to an illustration of a cave on the map, underneath the words, BLACKBEARD'S CAVE in black letters.]

Tommy: "Blackbeard's Cave!"

[Tommy crawls up to a bucket, and in the next scene, the inside of a cave is shown.]

Tommy: "Hello!"

[As Tommy's voice echoes, the camera moves across the inside of the cave, and some bats screech and fly across it. Two flies fly out of the bucket. Tommy then looks at an illustration of a mountain under the words, MOUNT BALDY in black letters. He stands up, and looks at Lou.]

Tommy: "Mount Baldy!"

[Tommy looks at the treasure map in his hands, then at an X made of sticks underneath Lou's chair.]

Tommy: "There it is! Fifty paces ahead! X marks the spot!"

[Tommy puts the treasure map in his diaper.]

Tommy: "Let's go!"

[As Tommy tiptoes up to the X, Chuckie, Phil, and Lil walk up to him.]

Tommy: "One, six, two, four, fifty! Avast, ye slobs, here we be!"
Phil: "Wow!"

[Tommy runs up to a pair of shovels.]

Tommy: "All right, then!"

[The scene changes to the island as Tommy picks up the shovels.]

Tommy: "Dig!"

[Chuckie, Phil, and Lil grunt as they dig with their shovels. They dig a deep hole, and stop halfway.]

Chuckie: "Is this the treasure?"

[Tommy walks up to the hole and looks inside.]

Tommy: "No, that's cat poop, keep digging!"

[Some seagulls screech as they fly past the sun. The camera zooms in on the sun, which is used as a transition to the next scene, where Tommy watches as Chuckie, Phil, and Lil continue digging.]

Tommy: "That's it!"

[Chuckie, Phil, and Lil grunt as they toss out a treasure chest. Angelica peers out from behind the sandbox and gasps.]

Angelica: "The treasure!"
Tommy: "Shiver me fingers!"

[Tommy runs up to the treasure chest.]

Tommy: "I bet there's a thousand gold balloons in there!"

[Angelica picks up a beach ball. As Tommy climbs atop the treasure chest, Phil, Lil, and Chuckie all walk up to it. The sound of a cannon firing can be heard, and Phil and Lil gasp.]

Chuckie: "What was that?"

[The beach ball lands near Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil.]

Tommy: "Aaaah!"
Chuckie: "Aaaah!"

[Tommy his telescope out of his diaper and looks through it. A pirate ship with decorations of Angelica on it can be seen through it.]

Tommy: "Ablast! Me spots a spinach callan on the star search side!"
Lil: "Is she friend or emeny?"

[Tommy puts down his telescope.]

Tommy: "Emeny."

[Tommy looks through his telescope. He looks at a flag with Angelica's head and crossbones on it, a decoration of Angelica as a mermaid on the ship's bow, and Angelica dressed like a pirate captain at the wheel. Tommy then pushes his telescope back and puts it back in his diaper.]

Tommy: "It's admiral Angelico, sworn foe of all babies!"

[Tommy jumps down and lands in the sand.]

Tommy: "I mean, pirates."

[As Angelica's pirate ship approaches Tommy, Chuckie, Phil, and Lil, Angelica pulls her telescope out of her pocket, stretches it out, and looks through it. She looks at Tommy, Chuckie, Phil, and Lil, who all back away nervously.]

Angelica: "Ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

[Angelica runs up to a cannon.]

Angelica: "Ha!"

[Angelica pulls on the cannon's fuse, and the cannon fires a beach ball at Tommy, Chuckie, Phil, and Lil. As the beach ball lands in front of Tommy, Chuckie, Phil, and Lil run away. Tommy looks down and picks up a popsicle stick, which turns into a sword.]

Tommy: "Quick! To the longboat!"

[Chuckie walks towards the rowboat as Phil and Lil carry the treasure chest together.]

Tommy: "Hurry, Chuckie, you get in first!"

[Chuckie climbs into the rowboat.]

Chuckie: "We're doomed!"
Tommy: "Now the treasure, fast!"

[Phil and Lil grunt as they toss the treasure chest into the other end of the rowboat. Its weight launches Chuckie into the air.]

Chuckie': "Aaaah!"

[Tommy, Phil and Lil watch as Chuckie lands in the rowboat with a thud. In the next scene, Tommy, Chuckie, Phil, and Lil are all in the rowboat, and Phil and Lil grunt as they row it across the waves. Tommy looks back at Angelica with his telescope.]

Tommy: "Row! Row! Row your boat! She's gaining on us!"

[Tommy turns to face Chuckie, Phil, and Lil. The sound of a cannon firing can be heard as a beach ball lands near the rowboat. Phil and Lil stop rowing.]

Chuckie: "Oh, I knew I shouldn't have had that second helping of strained squash..."

[On Angelica's pirate ship, Angelica is behind the wheel.]

Angelica: "Ha ha ha! I've got those babies right where I want em'!

[Phil and Lil grunt as they row the rowboat. In Tommy's house, Didi is on the phone with Betty while she washes the dishes.]

Didi: "Betty, you wouldn't believe what those kids of ours are up to!"

[As Didi continues talking to Betty, She looks through the window. Phil and Lil are pulling the wagon, which Tommy and Chuckie are riding in as Angelica chases them, carrying a beach ball over her head.]

Didi: "Well, they're pretending they're all pioneers in a covered wagon! It's just adorable! I wish I had the video camera right now!"

[Tommy, Chuckie, Phil, and Lil float past Angelica's pirate ship in their rowboat, narrowly missing it.]

Tommy, Chuckie, Phil, and Lil: "Aaaah! Aaaah!"

[Tommy looks in delight when he sees something up ahead.]

Tommy: "You guys, look!"

[Tommy points ahead, revealing his own pirate ship, with a flag with a picture of a bottle on it.]

Chuckie, Phil, and Lil: "Wow!"

[Phil and Lil row the rowboat towards Tommy's pirate ship as Angelica's cannon fires beach balls at them, Tommy, and Chuckie. Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil all grunt as they climb onto Tommy's pirate ship, and just in time, as one of the beach balls lands in the rowboat, sinking it.]

Tommy: "Hoist the mistlemast! Pull up the anchor! Swab the poop deck!"

[Lil is now holding an anchor, and Phil is now holding the rope tied to it.]

Chuckie, Phil, and Lil: "Poop?"

[Lil drops the anchor, and Phil drops the rope as they and Chuckie all check themselves. Lil then pats her diaper. On Angelica's pirate ship, Angelica spins the wheel.]

Angelica: "Ha ha ha! Those babies better say their prayers!"

[As Angelica steers her pirate ship towards Tommy's, Tommy climbs atop a cannon. Phil grabs the fuse, and Lil picks up a cannonball.]

Tommy: "Hurry up, mateys, or we'll all be fish food!"

[Chuckie is now leaning against a pile of cannonballs.]

Chuckie: "Oh, please, Tommy! Don't mention food. Ugh!"
Tommy: "All right!"

[Lil puts the cannonball in the cannon, and Phil aims it towards Angelica's pirate ship.]

Tommy: "Ready, aim, friar!"

[Phil and Lil pull on the fuse, and the cannon fires a beach ball at Angelica's pirate ship. Angelica is now on the deck, and she flinches as the beach ball bounces off the deck and lands in the water. Angelica then runs up to a giant cloth and pulls on it, revealing a cannon underneath. She pulls on the fuse, and it fires a beach ball at Tommy's pirate ship. The beach ball bounces off the sail and lands on the deck, creating a hole with water shooting out of it. Phil and Lil look at each other.]

Phil and Lil: "Uh-oh!"
Phil: "I think we're gonna be drowneded!"
Lil: "I think we're gonna be captured!"
Chuckie: "I think I'm gonna be sick."

[Angelica stops her pirate ship near Tommy's. She speaks through a megaphone she is holding.]

Angelica: "Prepare to be bored!"

[Tommy walks up to Phil, who turns to face him.]

Phil: "Oh, no! Looks like she's gonna bore us!"

[Angelica swings across a rope.]

Angelica: "Aiiieee!"

[Angelica swings right over Tommy's pirate ship, missing it completely, and lands in the water.]

Angelica: "Aaah, ugh, ugh!"

[Angelica, who is now soaked and has a fish on her head, climbs onto Tommy's pirate ship. Phil and Lil gasp and run away. Angelica, who is holding her sword, walks up to Tommy, who has his sword. They swordfight each other.]

Angelica: "You're finished, Long Tom! The days of you babies blundering the high seas are over!"

[Tommy grunts, and Lil gasps as she watches him and Angelica swordfight each other.]

Tommy: "I laugh at you, Admiral Angelica!"

[Tommy tosses Angelica's sword into the air.]

Tommy: "Ha! Ha ha ha!"

[Angelica runs away as Tommy tries to hit her with his sword, but gets it stuck in the deck of his ship. The next scene reveals that he got his popsicle stick stuck in the fence. Angelica is standing behind him, holding a stick.]

Angelica: "Laugh away, baby, but I'm going to have that treasure!"

[Tommy pulls his popsicle stick out of the fence.]

Tommy: "Not a chance!"

[Tommy and Angelica continue swordfighting each other, and as they duel across the deck of Tommy's pirate ship, Tommy inadvertently steps on Chuckie.]

Chuckie: "Hey, watch it!"

[Angelica laughs evilly as she and Tommy continue swordfighting each other. Angelica then gets her sword stuck in the port side of Tommy's pirate ship as Tommy climbs up Lou's chair. On the deck of Tommy's pirate ship, Tommy is climbing up the rope ladder to the crow's nest, and Angelica climbs after him. Tommy tosses his sword into the crow's nest and climbs into it.]

Angelica: "Ah ha ha ha ha ha!"

[Angelica climbs onto the crow's nest, but slips on one of the steps, and is now holding onto it by one hand.]

Angelica: "Ugh! Help! Tommy!"

[Tommy pulls Angelica into the crow's nest.]

Tommy: "Ugh!"
Angelica: "Ugh!"

[Angelica picks up Tommy's sword and sneaks up behind him.]

Angelica: "Ha ha ha! You fool! I tricked you! Hand over your loot, or I'll send you to the slimy deep!"
Tommy: "Never!"

[The camera zooms in on Tommy, then zooms out on him in the next scene, where he is standing at the end of a plank. Chuckie, Phil, and Lil are all tied to the ship's mast with toilet paper, courtesy of the roll in front of them.]

Phil: "Be brave, Tommy!"
Lil: "Remember, a pirate's not a-scared of nothing!"
Chuckie: "I think I'm gonna be sick."

[Tommy has his hands behind his back, tied together with toilet paper. He turns to face Chuckie, Phil, and Lil.]

Tommy: "Farewell, my brave crew! Wherever you may roam, do not forget the memory of your brave captain!"
Chuckie: "Now I know I'm gonna be sick!"

[Tommy walks up to Angelica, who has somehow gotten her sword back.]

Tommy: "And as for you, Admiral Angelico, you may wreck my ship, and you may capture my crew, but you'll never get my treasure! Not in a million, zillion years!"

[Tommy tries to walk away, but Angelica snags him by the back of his diaper with her sword and pulls him back.]

Angelica: "Yeah, yeah, yeah, stop talkin' and start walkin'!"

[Tommy walks across the plank, and Angelica pokes him with her sword.]

Tommy: "Whoa!"

[Tommy looks down at four sharks circling in the water.]

Lil: "He's the bravest baby I ever sawed!"

[Tommy looks down in shock, and Angelica grins evilly. Tommy is about to step into the water, but he stops when he hears Didi.]

Didi: "Angelica!"

[Didi is now in the backyard, having witnessed the entire event. Tommy is standing atop a plank held down by a rock, which is over a kiddie pool, and Chuckie, Phil, and Lil are tied to a tree with toilet paper.]

Angelica: "Uh-oh!"

[Didi walks up to Angelica.]

Didi:" What do you think you're doing, young lady?"

[As Angelica talks to Didi, Tommy walks off the plank and onto the grass. He then walks away.]

Angelica: "But Aunt Didi, I didn't do anything! They were pirates!"

[Didi grabs Angelica by her arm and walks away with her. Didi is also holding the toilet paper roll. As Didi takes Angelica away, Chuckie, Phil, and Lil, who are no longer tied to the tree watch with Tommy.]

Angelica: "They had a treasure! They fired on me first!"
Didi: "Well, you can just help swab the decks inside the house for a while, young lady!"

[Didi opens the back door, and she and Angelica walk through the doorway. She then shuts the door. Tommy then walks up to the shoe box in the sandbox.]

Tommy: "My treasure! She never got it! All the riches of the yeast, me mateys!"

[Chuckie, Phil, and Lil all run up to Tommy. The box is revealed to be one for GO GO GAL brand shoes.]

Tommy: "And it's ours! All ours!"

[Tommy opens the box, revealing the treasure, which consists of some of Spike's droppings, a Duplo brick, yellow and green lumps of Play-doh, a broken hair curler, and a comb.]

Tommy, Chuckie, Phil, and Lil: "Oooh!"

[Tommy, Chuckie, Phil, and Lil all look inside the shoe box. Lou, who now has the pirate book in his lap, wakes up with a start.]

Lou: "Now, now where were we? Oh, oh yeah!"

[Lou turns the page of the pirate book, revealing an illustration of the pirate shp, the treasure, and the words, THE END in purple letters sandwiched in between them.]

Lou: "The end."

[The screen fades to black, ending the episode.]

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