| Rhinoceritis! | Gallery | Transcript |
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(Scene opens with feet walking on the walkway wrapped in bandages like a mummy's, its bandaged hand rings the doorbell, the screen zooms close to the peephole of the front door where an eye is peeking through, the eye blinks and pulls away revealing to be Drew covered in bandages)
Drew: Open up! It's me, Drew!
Stu: Drew, what happened?
Drew: Oh, nothing my little girl here couldn't fix right up. (Pats a grinning Angelica next to him, Angelica is wearing a doctor's outfit with a toy bag and a toy stethoscope whispers to Stu): She's been watching Binks McGill: Pre-Teen Brain Surgeon". Now she wants to be a doctor.
Angelica: (shows Cynthia all bandaged up): Cynthia had a accident, but I cured her.
Drew: (they enter the house): You know? I think she's got an aptitude for healing.
(scene cuts to the four Rugrats out in the backyard laughing and playing ball, Stu, Drew and Angelica are at the back patio, Drew scoots Angelica to the babies)
Drew: Now where's Didi? (undoes the bandages on his head): I told her I help prepare your taxes.
Stu: Nonsense, Drew, I got it all under control.
(the two brothers head in the house)
Tommy: What's in your purse, Angelica?
Angelica: This isn't a purse, you dummy; it's my Binks McGill 'mergency rescue kit. (the babies look at her) Haven't you ever seen a brain sturgeon before?
Chuckie: What's a surgeon, Tommy?
Tommy: I don't know, Chuckie, but if Angelica's one, I don't think it's anything good.
Angelica: (gets out a reflex hammer): I said STURGEON, dummies! A sturgeon is a doctor.
Tommy: I thought you had to be a grownup to be a doctor.
Angelica: Binks McGill's a doctor and he's ten years old.
Tommy: But Angelica, you're only three.
Angelica: So, Binks is a little slow. Now trust me: I'M A DOCTOR! (the four babies gulp nervously) Now I got to find some patients. Where, oh, where could I find some patients?
(the four babies point at each other until Spike comes along and sits down and gives out a big yawn before lying down, Angelica suddenly grabs Spike's front right paw making him whine and checks his pulse)
Angelica: Uh-oh! Looks like a 'mergency.
(scene cuts to Didi and Drew in the kitchen, Drew looks over the taxes)
Drew: (sighs): Not deductible, not deductible, deductible, not deductible, ah--ooh! Definitely not deductible. (Didi looks worried) You see, Didi, organization is the key to proper tax preparation.
(Spike, covered in bandages, charges into the kitchen and crashes into the table, knocking Drew to the floor and scattering his papers everywhere, Drew has a calculator on his head)
Drew: ANGELICA!!!
Angelica: (off-screen): I didn't do it!
Stu: (peers into the kitchen): Ah, good. I was worried you were gonna mess up my system.
(scene cuts back to the backyard)
Angelica: (laughs deviously): Did you see how fast Spike ran? He's feeling much better! Yep, I guess I'm just about the best doctor in the whole world!
Chuckie: I don't know. Your dad seemed kinda mad.
Angelica: That's 'cause he's threatened by working women. Y'know, Chuckie? You're not looking too well.
Chuckie: (gulps in fear): I'm not?
Angelica: Open your mouth.
Chuckie: But Angelica...
(Angelica forces Chuckie's mouth to open, she checks inside as dripping sounds are heard inside Chuckie's mouth)
Angelica: Hmm... Mm-hmm. Uh-oh!
Chuckie: "Uh-oh"?!
Angelica: Let me check my medical book. (looks through her children's alphabet animal book): Hmm... (closes the book): Just as I thought.
Chuckie: (fearfully): What is it, Angelica?!
Angelica: Chuckie, you've got... rhinoceritis.
(Tommy, Phil and Lil gasps)
Tommy: What's rhinoceritis?
Angelica: It's the worstest disease there is. First, you get real grumpy, then your skin turns all grey and scaly, then your feet all grow together like hooves. (crawls to her kit): Birds ride on your back, you eat grass, and then finally... (takes out a screw and puts it to her forehead like a horn): ...you grow this big ugly horn right in the middle on your forehead.
Chuckie: Angelica, I feel fine.
Angelica: Sure, you feel fine now, but soon, you'll start to change. In fact, I think you already seem a little grumpy.
Chuckie: Am not!
Angelica: See?
Chuckie: Look, Angelica, there's nothing wrong with me! I don't have any rhinocisitis or anything?
Angelica: Oh? (points at a dark brown bruise on Chuckie's right arm): And that's that on your arm?
Chuckie: It's a scab.
Angelica: Sure. That's what they want you to think. But it's not a scab; it's rhinoceros skin. And pretty soon, it's gonna cover your whole body.
Phil and Lil: Neat!
Chuckie: That's not true, Angelica, you're making it up! (pauses for a moment then goes nervous): Aren't ya?
Angelica: That's what the baby down the street thought when I told him he had chicken pox. Now he's pecking around a barnyard somewhere.
Tommy: Why aren't his mommy and daddy help him?
Angelica: They need the eggs.
Chuckie: I don't know; I still think you're making it up.
Angelica: (closes her kit and leaves): Fine, but don't come crawling back to me when you start growing a horn.
Tommy: Where're you going?
Angelica: I gotta make my rounds and get in nine holes of golf before sundown.
Chuckie: (sweats nervously and holds his stomach): I don't feel so good, Tommy!
Phil: Are your feet turning into hooves?
Lil: Are you growing a horn in the middle of your head?
Chuckie: (solemnly): I knew it. I'm a goner. I wonder how long I got left to be a normal kid.
Phil: Chuckie, you wanna play ball or something?
Lil: Careful. His horn might pop the ball.
Tommy: (takes the ball): C'mon, let's play with the star ball. It's Chuckie's favorite.
(Tommy rolls the ball to Chuckie, who sadly kicks it to Phil)
Phil: Good one, Chuckie.
Chuckie: (sits down): I don't want to play anymore.
Lil: How come?
Chuckie: 'Cause when you know you're about to become a rhinocelot, playing with the ball just seems so... empty. You know, before I got rhinocerosis, I never really noticed how blue the sky is or how nice the flowers smell... (picks a flower and smells it) ...or how good a brand-new crayon tastes right out of the box. (gets up): Guys, I gotta be alone to think for a while. (sadly leaves)
Tommy: You guys, we gotta help him! C'mon, let's go find Angelica.
(scene cuts to Angelica operating on Cynthia)
Angelica: Let's see, soldier bone, connect it to the funny bone... (connects Cynthia's arm back in)
Tommy: Angelica, isn't there something you can do to help Chuckie?
Angelica: I wanted to help, I tried to help, but Chuckie wasn't interested in hearing what I had to say. After all, I'm just a doctor. What do I know?
Tommy: Please, Angelica, you gotta do something before Chuckie turns into one of those... things!
Angelica: Okay, I'll do it. But first, I need a hospital. (sees Spike's doghouse): Perfect! Tommy, you go get Chuckie. (Tommy does so) Phil, you be my receptionary.
Phil: What's a receptionary?
Angelica: You make sure people don't bother me. And before you let anybody in to see me, you gotta ask, "How will you be paying your bill?" Got that?
Lil: What do I get to do?
Angelica: You're my nurse. You get to help me examinate on Chuckie. But first, I need a few things.(rummages in her kit throwing her toys): Well, I'm gonna need a box of cookies, about a hundred band-aids, some water, and a helicopter.
Lil: Where am I gonna get a box of cookies?
Angelica: That's okay. (closes her kit): Sometimes Binks McGill doesn't have everything he needs, either. Just keep your eyes open.
Lil: (widens her eyes): Boy, this is easier than I thought!
(Tommy brings Chuckie to Phil, Angelica shoves him)
Phil: Oh! How will you be paying your bill?
Chuckie: (confused): Uh, my bill?
Angelica: That's alright. I'm sure we can work something out. (Chuckie goes afraid) First, we gotta run some tests.
Chuckie: Tests? What kind of test?
(scene cuts to Tommy pacing back and forth as Angelica and Lil check on Chuckie in Spike's doghouse)
Lil: (looks into Chuckie's right ear): Nope. I can't see the light.
Angelica: (turns off her flashlight): Hmm, that's a very bad sign. (Tommy peers in the doghouse) Hey! No visitors in the examinating room! (Tommy gasps and flees) Okay, Chuckie, how many fingers am I holding up? (shows all five fingers)
Chuckie: I don't know! I don't know how to count!
Angelica: (shakes her head with Lil): Neither do rhinoceroses.
(Tommy and Phil pace back and forth)
Angelica: (checks Chuckie's stomach): Mm-hmm... It doesn't sound good.
(Spike joins Tommy and Phil as they pace altogether, Angelica takes out her reflex hammer)
Chuckie: What're you gonna do with that?!
Angelica: I'm gonna test your reflections. Does this hurt. (taps his knee)
Chuckie: No.
Angelica: Does this hurt? (taps his knee a little harder)
Chuckie: No. (Angelica hits his knee even harder) OW!!! That hurts!
Angelica: Of course it hurts. You gotta big bump on your leg.
(scene cuts to outside the doghouse)
Phil: I wish there was something we could do for Chuckie.
Tommy: I remember once a long time ago: my mommy was sick and my daddy bought her a whole bunch of flowers and they made her feel better.
Phil: Yeah! Maybe if we bring Chuckie some flowers, he'll feel better, too!
(scene cuts to the kitchen, Didi goes worried still as Drew continues working on taxes)
Drew: I don't understand this, Stu. You've kept shopping lists, candy wrappers and... (holds up a bag of spoiled food from Burger Buddy): ...what appears to be a bag of moldy French fries.
Stu: I always keep a record of everything I buy.
Drew: (sarcastically): Oh, that's nice. Why didn't you just... (yells furiously): KEEP THE SALES RECEIPTS?!?!
(Did pours coffee as the screen switches to Tommy and Phil picking flowers in the yard)
Phil: Great idea, Tommy. All these flowers will definitely make Chuckie feel better.
(scene cuts to Spike's doghouse)
Chuckie: (nervously): What're you doing?
(Angelica has an Etch 'n' Sketch on Chuckie's stomach, she scribbles with it)
Angelica: I'm taking an X-ray. (shows it to Chuckie): See? These are your insides.
Chuckie: Ew...
Angelica: Ew indeed. (puts on a bandana as a mask): I'm afraid we have no choice. (gets out a toy saw and toy screw)
Chuckie: (in horror): What're you gonna do with that thing, Angelica?!
Angelica: We're going to have to opterate. First, I'm gonna unscrew your head.
Chuckie: (incredulously gets up): MY HEAD?!?! AH!!!! (bolts out of the doghouse)
(Angelica and Lil come out as Phil and Tommy come back with a bunch of flowers)
Tommy: Where's Chuckie? We brought him some flowers.
Angelica: I hate to be the one to tell you this, but... we lost him.
Tommy: You lost him?!
Lil: Yeah, sorry, Tommy.
Angelica: You know how it is: one minute, he's talking to you, then, poof, he's gone.
Lil: Maybe he's in a better place.
Tommy: He can't be gone!
Lil: (gasps): Listen! In there!
(a shrub is seen rustling, the babies check it out)
Phil: Chuckie, is that you?
Angelica: Careful, the rhinoceros is known to charge at random.
Tommy: But Chuckie wouldn't do that.
Angelica: Chuckie wouldn't, but a rhinoceros would love to. They specially like chasing babies.
(the three babies go scared, a low growl ins heard in the shrub, the babies scream in terror until Spike runs out and gives Tommy affectionate kisses)
Tommy: (giggles): Oh! It's just you, Spike!
Chuckie: (shown behind the shrub sulking): I'm not coming out. (sadly): I like my head.
Tommy: Guys, what are we gonna do? Chuckie's probably turned into a rhinosaur already!
(Angelica snickers)
Phil: Maybe he'll live in the zoo.
Tommy: (glares): Chuckie doesn't like zoos!
Lil: Or join the cicrus.
Tommy: He's scared of clowns!
Phil: Or move to the jungle!
Tommy: Jungle might work. (Angelica burst out laughing) What's so funny, Angelica?
Phil: Yeah, what's so funny?
Angelica: You babies are so dumb! (pokes Phil) You don't really think Chuckie has rhinoceritis, do you?
Tommy: Well, yeah! You said so.
Angelica: I just made that up for practice. All doctors gotta practice, you know.
Tommy: (angry): Angelica, why do you always have to pick on Chuckie?! He's a-scared all the time anyway! You gotta tell him he's not gonna turn into... uh, one of those things.
Angelica: Ah, keep your diaper on. I'll tell him. (to herself): If I ever find him.
(chewing sounds are heard)
Tommy: Hey, what's that noise?
(Chuckie comes out of the shrubs and grazes on grass)
Tommy, Phil and Lil: Chuckie!
Phil: What're you doing, Chuckie?
(the three babies run to him)
Chuckie: I was trying to eat some grass. I figured I better start now if I have to be a rhinomalos. (spits grass out) I guess you better get used to it.
Tommy: Chuckie, Angelica has something to tell you.
Chuckie: What is it?
Angelica: (dully): There isn't any such thing as rhinoceritis; I made it up.
Chuckie: Listen, I know what you're doing. You're just trying to make me feel better.
Tommy: No, really!
Chuckie: It's okay. I don't mind being a rhinostronaut. I just rather not get my head unscrewed, that's all.
Angelica: Chuckie, I'm telling you the truth!
Chuckie: Then what about my being grumpy?
Tommy: Some people are always grumpy. Look at Angelica.
Angelica: Grrr!
Chuckie: (shows his scab): What about the skin on my arm? And my head? (shows a pink bump on his forehead): See how it's red where the horn's growing in?
Angelica: I've got some red on my face, too, Chuckie. But it's just where I got sunburned. And look! (lifts her dress to show scabs on her knees): I got scabs too on my knees.
Chuckie: You do?
Phil: Um, Angelica?
Angelica: What is it?
Lil: Those don't look like Chuckie's scabs.
Angelica: Huh? What's wrong with them?
Phil: They're kinda... grey.
Lil: Yeah, and hairy.
(Angelica gasps in shock)
Tommy: And what's that on your forehead, Angelica?
Angelica: (shows a pink bump on her forehead): I bumped my head last night. It's nothing.
Phil and Lil: (in unison, cheerfully jumping): IT'S A HORN! IT'S A HORN!
(Angelica gulps nervously)
Chuckie: Angelica, YOU'RE the one with rhinoplasty!
Angelica: IT CAN'T BE! IT JUST CAN'T BE!! (looks at herself with a makeup mirror)
(scene cuts to the kitchen, Drew is finishing up the taxes)
Stu: OK, a few dollars at the end of the year. How bad can it be?
Drew: $320.
Stu: Piff!
Drew: Oh, it's--I, I'm sorry, I had the decimal wrong. It comes to thirty-two thousand.
Stu: (incredulously): 32,000?!?!
Drew: Don't worry Stu. A smart kid like Tommy doesn't need to go to college. (leaves)
(Stu starts crying immaturely and tugs on his own hair)
(scene cuts to Drew entering the backyard happily watching the babies play until he sees Angelica munching on a tuft of grass)
Drew Pickles: Angelica! Are you eating grass?!
Angelica: Careful, daddy, The rhinoceros is known to charge at random.
(Angelica continues grazing on grass ending the episode)