Pickles vs. Pickles Gallery Transcript

(Close up of a stream of gravy coming down towards the screen and then pans back to reveal it's a plate of gravy with a piece of broccoli and mashed potatoes on it. Angelica is behind it, with a spoon and fork in both of her hands, and not wanting to eat it)

Charlotte: Just a little taste, sweetie?

Angelica: No! (Charlotte looks surprised when Angelica snaps)

Drew: Come on, sugarpie. It's good for you. Don't you wanna grow up to be big and strong?

Angelica: No! (her father drops the fork when she shouts)

Charlotte: Honey, the last time you eat broccoli you said it wasn't so bad, remember?

Angelica: (bangs the table) NO!

Drew: (as he lost patience) Angelica, if you don't eat some broccoli, then you're not gonna get seconds on dessert.

Angelica: But that's not fair!

(Angelica throws the plate to the wall where the shadow of Drew is, it shatters on impact)

Drew: That's it! (he stands up from his chair and points to his left) Go to your room!

Angelica: But, Daddy!

Charlotte: It's too late for talk now, Angelica. We tried to reason with you, but you wouldn't listen!

(Angelica gets up off of chair and heads upstairs, but turns back to her parents)

Angelica: YOU'LL BE SORRY! (Drew and Charlotte are speechless after Angelica said that, hear her slam the door upstairs and look at each other)

(Drew and Charlotte's Bedroom - Night. Drew was walking around the bed and Charlotte in bed reading)

Drew: Charlotte, do you think Angelica was serious when she said, "You'll be sorry?"

Charlotte: What are you talking about, Drew? She's 3 years old. What's she gonna do?

Drew: I suppose you're right. It's just we raised just a clever resourceful little girl. Sometimes I just don't know what she's capable of. (He takes off his glasses and climbs into bed)

Charlotte: Drew, get some sleep, We'll all feel better in the morning.

Drew: Okay, Charl..... (He falls asleep)

(Cut to Angelica's room - Night)

Angelica: It's not fair, Cynthia. The grown-ups always get to decide everything. All they do is to boss me around like a little kid or something. I'm 3 years old!

F. Lee Barnum (on TV): Are you getting a raw deal? Is your boss treating you unfairly? Or perhaps there's a family problem that cries out for third party mediation?

Angelica: The last one! The family thing!

F. Lee Barnum (on TV): Don't wait! Call us at the offices of F. Lee Barnum and Sons: "We'll fight for you!"

Angelica: Hmmm....

(F. Lee Barnum pulls in the driveway and rings the doorbell. Drew was in his home office until he hears it.)

Drew: Who could that be?

F. Lee Barnum: Hello, I'm here to see uh... Miss Angelica C. Pickles.

Drew: And you are?

F. Lee Barnum: My name is F. Lee Barnum, I'm an attorney.

Drew: An attorney?

F. Lee Barnum: Yeah, I engaged by Miss Pickles to handle some pesty legal matters.

Drew: (laughs) There must be some mistake. You see, Angelica is just little girl, she's not capable of hiring a attorney.

F. Lee Barnum: That would be me to determine.

Angelica: Oh, hi, Mr. Lawyer, come on in.

Drew: Angelica, what is going on here?

Angelica: I'm suing you.

Drew: (surprised) Suing me?

(Later in Angelica's room, Angelica pours pretend tea in a tea cup)

Angelica: More tea?

F. Lee Barnum: Thank you. (he takes the cup and pretends to drink it) Now let me get to the point, Miss Pickles. The Key of the case would be an establishing of withholding a second helping of desert constitutes and infringement on the child's--

Angelica: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Skip the fancy talk and give me the bottom line.

F. Lee Barnum: Very well. I think I can get your parents kicked out of the house.

Angelica: Cool.

F. Lee Barnum: And if we play our preferable cards right, I think I can get you a handsome childhood self-care annuity on top of it.

Angelica: Huh?

F. Lee Barnum: Money, Miss Pickles, lots of money, for both of us.

Angelica: (grinning) Now you're talking my language.

(Later in the living room)

Charlotte: Angelica, honey.

Angelica: Yes?

Charlotte: I'd like to talk about this lawsuit thing.

Angelica: It's too late for talk now, Mommy. I tried to reason with you, but you wouldn't listen.

Charlotte: Come on, sweetie. Let's get some ice cream and you can tell me what's bothering you.

Angelica: That's awful nice of you, Mommy. But on the advice of counsel, I must decline.

Charlotte: Angelica, if you don't stop all this nonsense right now, I'm gonna-

Angelica: Careful, Mommy. Don't say anything you mught not want repeated in a court of law.

Charlotte: Now you listen to me-

Angelica: Uh-uh-uh. The tape's rolling.

Charlotte: (stammering) D'oh! (she leaves and bumps into Drew) Drew, call your attorney. We're going to the Man on this one. (Drew looks concerned when he see Charlotte leaving behind him)

(Cut to Mr. Hershowiz's office - dusk)

Drew: So you think she has a case?

Mr. Hershowiz: I'm afraid so, Mr. and Mrs. Pickles, I was strongly to advice you settle this matter out of the court.

Charlotte: A settlement!

Drew: He's right, Charlotte. Let's just end this thing as painless thing as possible.

Charlotte: Uh, maybe you're right.

Mr. Hershowiz: Angelica's lawyer faxed a couple of demands. Can I read them?

Drew: Sure, How bad could they be?

Mr. Hershowiz: 1. Dessert on demand 24 hours a day, 2. Official present giving days to occur whenever Angelica wants, 3. A Mr. X exploding smash up doll, 4. A Commander Bill Desert Storm Flame Thrower, 5. A pony, 6.-

(Drew who was sitting there, finally getting annoyed finally snaps)

Drew: Enough! I am not going to pushed around by my own Daughter!

Mr. Hershowiz: (sighs) Very well, we prepared to court.

(Cut to a picture of Angelica who zooms out to reveal a news presenter)

News Presenter: Meanwhile, All of America remains presence, as an case of Angelica Pickles, A charming Three-year old girl who sued her parents for divorce, We take you live for conference.

(Everyone who is watching the news on TVs in a store)

(Cut to outside the Courthouse - Day, The News Reporter is questioning F. Lee Barnum and Angelica)

News Reporter: Mr Barnum, Do you really think you have a case here?

F. Lee Barnum: Of course we have a case, this girl has been severely mistreated.

News Reporter: But don't you feel you're contributing the decline of American family values?

F. Lee Barnum: So, what's your point?

Angelica: Okay, I'll handle this. (grabs the microphone) Miss. Reporterman, I'm not a bad kid, I'm really not. All I ever wanted is a little ice cream, maybe a toy here or there, I mean, doesn't every three year old have right a little kindness? And now you're trying to make me feel like I'm a bad guy? When will it all end?

(Angelica starts sobbing, but someone gives Angelica a Supersucker lollipop, then she stops crying. She hugs it causing everyone to laugh. A car pulls up and Drew and Charlotte come out.)

Citizen 1: Look it's the parents!

(The Crowd keeps saying their names repeatedly, as Drew and Charlotte look embarrassed. Mr Hershowiz is seen walking behind them)

Mr. Hershowiz: My clients has no comments. (He reaches over and covers the camera with his hand.) I told you, no comment!

(Cut to the Courthouse - Day, A judge bangs his gavel from the camera)

Judge: Order! Order! (Everyone is silent) This court is now in session. Mr Barnum, Please call your first witness.

F. Lee Barnum: I call for the stand: Mrs. Charlotte Pickles! (Cut to an El Barato cigar close to the camera and Mr Barnum pulls it away) Now Mrs. Pickles, Is it not true on the last Tuesday night on August 3rd, That you served your 3-year old Angelica a large piece of broccoli for dinner?

Charlotte: Well that depends on your word: large. I'd say it was a small piece.

Barnum: Mrs. Pickles, let's not quibble over the size of the serving.

Charlotte: It seems to me you're the one who's quibbling. (Everyone laughs)

Barnum: Just answer the question, Mrs. Pickles.

Charlotte: What question was that, Mr. Barnum?

Barnum: Did you or did you not serve you daughter a disgusting piece of broccoli?!

Charlotte: (offended) I served my daughter broccoli and it wasn't disgusting! It was a very healthy, nutritious vegetable, Mr. Barnum! Rich in Vitamin C! Any parent would do the same!

Angelica: OBJECTION!

Barnum: Angelica, I'm doing the questioning, Let me handle this.

Angelica: Well you're doing a lousy job of yourself, You're making her look good!

Barnum: How dare you talk to me like that! I am a skilled attorney with months of experience!

Angelica: Your highness, I would like to dismiss my lawyer for gross incontinence.

Barnum: You don't have to! I would rather quit than represent a little brat like you!

Angelica: Your majesty, if it pleases the court, I would like to present my own lawyer.

Judge: Well, I must admit that all of my years on the bench, I've never heard a three year old representing herself. But I guess there's no present against it.

Angelica: Well, See you later, buster! I guess it's back chasing ambulances like you.

(Barnum packs his briefcase and leaves)

Judge: Let the record show that Miss Pickles has dismissed her attorney and now be representing herself. Uh, Miss Pickles, You may proceed.

Angelica: Thank you, your highness. The next witness I call: Miss Cynthia Pickles!

(Everyone is confused)

Hershowitz: Who's Cynthia Pickles?

Drew: You don't wanna know.

(Cut to Angelica placing Cynthia in the witness chair)

Angelica: Now Cynthia-

Hershowitz: Objection!

Angelica: What?

Hershowitz: Your Honor, that doll is an inanimate object, and its testimony is therefore inadmissible.

Judge: I realize that this is unorthodox, but I'm going to let the doll testify.

Hershowitz: You can't be serious.

Judge: I AM serious, Mr. Hershowitz. And if you impugn my integrity again, I'll hold in contempt! (Angelica sticks her tongue out at Hershowitz who does the same behind the glass jug) Miss Pickles, please proceed.

Angelica: Thank you, Your Majesty. (The Judge sits back and listens) Now Cynthia, Would you tell the court in your own words what happened? (silence) What's that Cynthia? (silence still) Cynthia says that they tried to make me eat broccoli even though it tasted yucky. I said very politely that I didn't want to, but they didn't listen and said no dessert and sent me to my room.

Hershowitz: Objection!

Judge: Overruled! Now let the cute little girl finish her story, okay? (Hershowitz facepalms in defeat and groans)

Angelica: Now, let's return to the morning of February 7th. As you can't explain that Miss Angelica Pickles was innocently watching cartoons and minding her own business. What happened next? (silence from her stuffed Zebra) Mr. Zebra says that my Daddy came over to the TV and turned and said you have watching too much cartoons. (Everyone gasps)

Drew: This can't be happening.

Hershowitz: Don't worry, Mr Pickles. We'll get our turn.

(Cut to Hershowitz questioning Angelica in the witness chair)

Hershowitz: Now Angelica, do you think you're a good little girl?

Angelica: I think that's for the court to decide, don't you? (Everyone laughs)

Hershowitz: Angelica is it true that you never do what your parents tell you?

Angelica: Maybe, maybe not.

Hershowitz: Please answer yes or no.

Angelica: Yes or no.

Hershowitz: Angelica, answer the question.

Angelica: Angelica, answer the question.

Hershowitz: Are you mimicking me?

Angelica: Are you mimicking me?

Hershowitz: Are you aware you're in a court of law?!

Angelica: Are you aware you're in a court of law?!

Hershowitz: STOP IT!!!

Angelica: STOP IT!!!

(laughter ensues from everyone but Hershowitz)

Hershowitz: Your Honor, please make her answer the question!

Judge: Well, maybe if you'd ask a little more nicely, she'd answer. (To Angelica, kindly) Now, Angelica, sweetie. Would you please answer the mean old lawyer's question?

Angelica: Of Course, Your Majesty. I be happy to.

Judge: (to Hershowitz) See?

Hershowitz: (calmly) Now once again, Angelica. Do you do what your parents tell you?

Angelica: Oh, of course. I always listen to my mommy and daddy. (Everyone laughs)

Hershowitz: (groans) Your Honor, I have no further questions.

(He leaves defeated as he walks in the camera which transitions into a ceiling fan from the aerial view of the courtroom. Drew is in the witness chair, now being questioned by Angelica)

Angelica: Now Daddy, do you remember last year what I wanted for my birthday?

Drew: Well, umm... You had a very long list. Uhh. There was the-

Angelica: Don't get cute with me! What was the one thing I wanted most?

Drew: Uhh... I think it was the big train from the Toy Palace that you can ride around on.

Angelica: You think it was a big train?

Drew: Okay, Okay. It was a big train.

Angelica: But you didn't get the big train, did you, Daddy?

Drew: (panicking) Well uh-

Angelica: Did you get the train?! Yes or no?

Drew: Your honor, I don't see-

Judge: Answer your daughter's question, Mr. Pickles.

Drew: (sighs, and quietly under his breath) No, I didn't get you the train.

Angelica: What was that?

Drew: I didn't get you the train! (The jury gasps)

Angelica: Ladies and Gentlemen of the jerky, you heard him with your own eyes. I don't ask a lot, but all I wanted for my birthday, my one birthday out of the whole year, I asked for a train and did I get it? No. (Everyone agrees with Angelica and starts booing at Drew)

Drew: But the toy store was out!

Judge: (bangs his gavel) Mr. Pickles, I rarely editorialize like this, but I just want to say that I think you ought to be ashamed of yourself. (Everyone shouts approval)

Drew: (getting frustrated and beginning to lose it) Your Honor, This is ridiculous! This isn't a courtroom! It's a three ring circus! All I did was ask for my daughter to eat broccoli. I was just being a good father.

Judge: (bangs his gavel again) Mr. Pickles, I find you in contempt. One more word, and you'll be escorted from the courtroom!

Jury Member: Your Honor, I know this is unusual, but we of the jury feel we don't need to deliberate. We award Angelica Pickles with all of her demands, including complete possession of the house and all of her parents' assets. (Everyone cheers)

Drew: (gasps) This isn't happening! I was just being a good father!

Judge: Bailiff! Have this man removed from my court and locked up! (Everyone cheers and applauds)

Drew: No! I'm a good father! I'm a good father! (The bailiff grabs Drew by the shoulders and drags him away) I'm a good father! I'm a good father!

Judge: (bangs his gavel repeatedly as Drew shouts "I'm a good father!" repeatedly) Order! Order in this court! Order! I demand order! I am the judge here!

(The Judge continues yelling at Drew and banging his gavel while the cheers turn into evil laughter as Drew is continued to be dragged away. Finally, the camera zooms in Drew's mouth and we cut to Drew struggling in his sleep in bed. It revealed is was all Drew's dream. Drew then wakes up, gasping)

Drew: A dream! It was just a dream! Charlotte! Charlotte! Wake up!

Charlotte: Huh? (She sees the LCD Clock reading 3:01) Drew, It's three in the morning.

Drew: Charlotte, I just had the worst nightmare! Angelica was mad about the broccoli and was suing us to take the house away and the judge was on her side and-

Charlotte: Drew, it was a dream. Go back to sleep.

Drew: (Grabbing his glasses) I-I'm just going to take a peek and see how she's doing. (He leaves the bed)

(Cut to Angelica's Room - Night, Angelia is asleep, Drew kisses her on the head and she wakes up)

Angelica: (yawns) Hi, Daddy.

Drew: Hi, sweetie.

Angelica: Daddy, I'm sorry I was a bad girl.

Drew: No, honey, I'm the one who should be sorry. I shouldn't have tried to make you eat the broccoli. From now on, you can try the foods you're ready to try.

Angelica: Oh Daddy, you're the greatest.

Drew: Sleep tight, princess.

(Drew leaves. After he left, Angelica took out the clipboard, it has the food pyramid diagram, and crosses off the broccoli)

Angelica: (to the camera) Works every time.

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