| Pickles vs. Pickles | Gallery | Transcript |
|---|
(Close-up of a stream of gravy coming down towards the screen and then pans back to reveal it's a plate of gravy with a piece of broccoli and mashed potatoes on it. Angelica is behind it, with a spoon and fork in both of her hands, and not wanting to eat it)
Charlotte: Just a little taste, sweetie?
Angelica: No! (Charlotte looks surprised when Angelica snaps)
Drew: Come on, sugar pie. It's good for you. Don't you wanna grow up to be big and strong?
Angelica: No! (her father drops the fork when she shouts)
Charlotte: Honey, the last time you ate broccoli, you said it wasn't so bad, remember?
Angelica: (bangs the table) NO!
Drew: (as he loses patience) Angelica, if you don't eat some broccoli, then you're not gonna get seconds on dessert.
Angelica: But that's not fair!
(Angelica throws the plate to the wall where the shadow of Drew is, it shatters on impact)
Drew: That's it, Angelica! (he stands up from his chair and points to his left) Go to your room!
Angelica: But, Daddy!
Charlotte: It's too late for talk now, Angelica. We tried to reason with you, but you wouldn't listen!
(Angelica gets up off of her chair and heads upstairs, but turns back and points to her parents)
Angelica: YOU'LL BE SORRY! (Drew and Charlotte are speechless after Angelica said that. They hear her slam the door upstairs and look at each other)
(Drew and Charlotte's Bedroom - Night. Drew is walking around the bed and Charlotte is in bed, reading)
Drew: Charlotte, do you think Angelica was serious when she said, "You'll be sorry?"
Charlotte: What are you talking about, Drew? She's 3 years old. What's she gonna do?
Drew: I suppose you're right. It's just we raised such a clever resourceful little girl, sometimes I don't know what she's capable of. (He takes off his glasses and climbs into bed)
Charlotte: Drew, get some sleep; we'll all feel better in the morning.
Drew: Okay, Char. (He falls asleep)
(Cut to Angelica's room - Night)
Angelica: It's not fair, Cynthia. The grown-ups always get to decide everything! All they do is boss me around like I'm a little kid or something. I'm 3 years old!
F. Lee Barnum (on TV): Are you getting a raw deal? Is your boss treating you unfairly? Or perhaps there's a family problem that cries out for third party mediation?
Angelica: The last one! The family thing!
Barnum (on TV): Don't wait! Call us at the law offices of F. Lee Barnum and Sons" "We'll fight for you!"
Angelica (rubbing her hands together): Hmmm....
(Barnum pulls in the driveway and rings the doorbell. Drew is in his home office and gets up from his desk)
Drew: Who could that be?
Barnum: Hello, I'm here to see a... (looks at his clipboard) Miss Angelica C. Pickles.
Drew: And you are...?
Barnum: My name is F. Lee Barnum. I'm an attorney. (he hands Drew a card)
Drew: An attorney?
Barnum: Yeah, I've been engaged by Miss Pickles to handle some domestic legal matters.
Drew: (laughs) There must be some mistake. You see, Angelica is just a little girl; she's not capable of hiring an attorney.
Barnum: That will be for me to determine.
Angelica: Oh, hi, Mr. Lawyer, come on in. (she takes Barnum's hand and leads him into the house.
Drew: Angelica, what's going on here?
Angelica: I'm suing you.
Drew: (surprised) Suing me?!
(Later in Angelica's room, Angelica pours pretend tea in a tea cup)
Angelica: More tea?
Barnum: Thank you. (he takes the cup and pretends to drink it) Now let me get right to the point, Miss Pickles. (he refers to his clipboard) The key of our case will be an establishing of withholding a second helping of desert constitutes an infringement on the child's intrinsic--
Angelica: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Skip the fancy talk and give me the bottom line.
Barnum: Very well. I think I can get your parents kicked out of the house.
Angelica: Cool.
F. Lee Barnum: And, if we play our proverbial cards right, I think I can get you a handsome childhood self-care annuity on top of it.
Angelica: Huh?
Barnum: Money, Miss Pickles. Lots of money, for both of us.
Angelica: (grinning) Now you're talking my language!
(Later in the living room)
Charlotte: Angelica, honey?
Angelica (presses button on tape recorder and tape starts rolling): Yes?
Charlotte: I'd like to talk about this lawsuit thing.
Angelica: It's too late for talk now, Mommy. I tried to reason with you, but you wouldn't listen.
Charlotte: Come on, sweetie. Let's get some ice cream and you can tell me what's bothering you.
Angelica: That's awful nice of you, Mommy. But on the advice of counsel, I must decline.
Charlotte: Angelica, if you don't stop all this nonsense right away, I'm gonna-
Angelica: Careful, Mommy. Don't say anything you might not want repeated in a court of law.
Charlotte: Now you listen to me-
Angelica (wags her finger at Charlotte): Uh-uh-uh. (she gestures to the tape recorder) The tape's rolling.
Charlotte: (stammering) D'oh! (she leaves and bumps into Drew) Drew, call our attorney! We're going to the mat on this one. (Drew looks concerned when he sees Charlotte leaving behind him and house is being permanently banned and send it into the courthouse.)
(Cut to Mr. Hershowiz's office - dusk)
Drew: So, you think she has a case?
Mr. Hershowiz: I'm afraid so, Mr. and Mrs. Pickles. I strongly advise you to settle this matter out of court.
Charlotte: A SETTLEMENT?!
Drew: He's right, Charlotte. Let's just end this thing as painlessly as possible.
Charlotte: Oh, maybe you're right.
Mr. Hershowiz: Angelica's lawyer has faxed me a list of demands. Shall I read them?
Drew: Oh, sure; how bad can they be?
Mr. Hershowiz (puts on reading glasses): 1: Dessert on demand, 24 hours a day. 2: Official present-giving days to occur whenever Angelica wants. (Drew turns his head in annoyed disbelief) 3. A Mr. X exploding smash up doll. 4. A Commander Bill Desert Storm Flame Thrower. 5. A pony. (Charlotte looks annoyed and then astonished) ↵6. A-
Drew: (furiously bolts up and cuts him off) ENOUGH! I am not going to pushed around by my own daughter!
Mr. Hershowiz: (sighs reluctantly and takes off his glasses) Very well; we prepare for court.
(Cut to a picture of Angelica; we zoom out to reveal it is an image on a newscast)
Anchorwoman: Meanwhile, all of America remains riveted by the case of Angelica Pickles, the charming, little three-year old girl who has sued her parents for divorce. We take you now to a live press conference.
(Everyone who is watching the news on TVs in a store)
(Cut to outside the Courthouse - Day, The News Reporter is questioning Barnum and Angelica)
News Reporter: Mr. Barnum, do you really think you have a case here?
Barnum: Of course, we have a case, this girl has been severely mistreated.
Reporter: But don't you feel you're contributing the decline of American family values?
Barnum: So, what's your point?
Angelica: Okay, I'll handle this. (grabs the microphone) Miss. Reporterman, I'm not a bad kid, I'm really not. All I ever wanted is a little ice cream, maybe a toy here or there, I mean, doesn't every three-year-old have right a little kindness? And now you're trying to make me feel like I'm a bad guy? When will it all end?
(Angelica starts sobbing because their house is permanently banned to living in the street as Man in the Mirror, but someone gives Angelica a Supersucker lollipop, then she stops crying. She hugs it causing everyone to laugh. A car pulls up and Drew and Charlotte come out.)
Citizen 1: Look! It's the parents!
(The Crowd keeps saying their names repeatedly, as Drew and Charlotte look embarrassed. Mr Hershowiz is seen walking behind them)
Hershowiz: My clients have no comments. (He reaches over and covers the camera with his hand.) I told you, no comment!
(Cut to the Courthouse - Day A, judge bangs his gavel from the camera)
Judge: Order! Order! (Everyone is silent) This court is now in session. Mr. Barnum, please call your first witness.
Barnum: I call for the stand: Mrs. Charlotte Pickles (1991)! (Cut to an El Barato cigar close to the camera and Mr. Barnum pulls it away) Now Mrs. Pickles, Is it not true on the last Tuesday night on August 3rd, that you served your 3-year-old Angelica a large piece of broccoli for dinner?
Charlotte: Well, that depends on your word: large. I'd say it was a small piece.
Barnum: Mrs. Pickles let's not quibble over the size of the serving.
Charlotte: It seems to me you're the one who's quibbling. (Everyone laughs)
Barnum: Just answer the question, Mrs. Pickles.
Charlotte: What question was that Mr. Barnum?
Barnum: Did you or did you not serve your daughter a disgusting piece of broccoli?!
Charlotte: (offended) I served my daughter broccoli, and it wasn't disgusting! It was a very healthy, nutritious vegetable, Mr. Barnum! Rich in Vitamin C! Any parent would do the same!
Angelica: OBJECTION!
Barnum: Angelica, I'm doing the questioning, let me handle this.
Angelica: (whispers) Well, you're doing a lousy job--you're making her look good!
Barnum: How dare you talk to me like that! I am a skilled attorney with months of experience!
Angelica: Your highness, I would like to dismiss my lawyer for gross "incontinence".
Barnum: You don't have to! I would rather quit than represent a little brat like you!
Angelica: Your majesty, if it pleases the "corpse", I would like to present my own lawyer.
Judge: Well, I must admit that all of my years on the bench, I've never heard a three-year-old representing herself. But I guess there's no present against it.
Angelica: Well, See you later, buster! I guess it's back chasing ambulances like you.
(Barnum packs his briefcase and leaves)
Judge: Let the record show that Miss Pickles has dismissed her attorney and now be representing herself. Uh, Miss Pickles, You may proceed.
Angelica: Thank you, your highness. The next witness I call: Miss Cynthia Pickles!
(Everyone is confused)
Hershowitz: Who's Cynthia Pickles?
Drew: You don't wanna know.
(Cut to Angelica placing Cynthia in the witness stand)
Angelica: Now Cynthia-
Hershowitz: Objection!
Angelica: What?
Hershowitz: Your Honor, that doll is an inanimate object, and its testimony is therefore inadmissible.
Judge: I realize that this is unorthodox, but I'm going to let the doll testify.
Hershowitz: You can't be serious.
Judge: I am serious, Mr. Hershowitz. And if you impugn my integrity again, I'll hold in contempt! (Angelica sticks her tongue out at Hershowitz who does the same behind the glass jug) Miss Pickles, please proceed.
Angelica: (sweetly) Thank you, Your Majesty. (The Judge sits back and listens) Now Cynthia, would you tell the court in your own words what happened? (silence) What's that Cynthia? (silence still) Cynthia says that they tried to make me eat broccoli even though it tasted yucky. I said very politely that I didn't want to, but they didn't listen and said no dessert and sent me to my room.
Hershowitz: Objection!
Judge: Overruled! Now let the cute little girl finish her story, okay? (Hershowitz facepalms in defeat and groans)
Angelica: Now, let's return to the morning of February 7th. As you can't explain that Miss Angelica Pickles was innocently watching cartoons and minding her own business. What happened next? (silence from her stuffed zebra on the witness stand) Mr. Zebra says that my Daddy came over to the TV and turned and said you have watching too much cartoons. (Everyone gasps)
Drew: This can't be happening.
Hershowitz: Don't worry, Mr. Pickles. We'll get our turn.
(Cut to Hershowitz questioning Angelica in the witness stand)
Hershowitz: Now Angelica, do you think you're a good little girl?
Angelica: I think that's for the courts to decide, don't you? (Everyone in the gallery laughs)
Hershowitz: Angelica is it true that you never do what your parents tell you?
Angelica: Maybe, maybe not.
Hershowitz: Please answer yes or no.
Angelica: Yes or no.
Hershowitz: Angelica, answer the question.
Angelica: Angelica, answer the question.
Hershowitz: Are you mimicking me?
Angelica: Are you mimicking me?
Hershowitz: Are you aware you're in a court of law?!
Angelica: Are you aware you're in a court of law?!
Hershowitz: STOP IT!!!
Angelica: STOP IT!!!
(laughter ensues from everyone else, including the judge)
Hershowitz: Your Honor, please make her answer the question!
Judge: Well, maybe if you'd ask a little more nicely, she'd answer. (To Angelica, kindly) Now, Angelica, sweetie. Would you please answer the mean old lawyer's question?
Angelica: Of course, Your Majesty. I'd be happy to.
Judge: (to Hershowitz) See?
Hershowitz: (calmly) Now once again, Angelica, do you do what your parents tell you?
Angelica: Oh, of course. I always listen to my mommy and daddy. (Everyone else laughs)
Hershowitz: (groans in defeat) Your Honor, I have no further questions.
(He leaves defeated as he walks in the camera which transitions into a ceiling fan from the aerial view of the courtroom. Drew is in the witness stand, now being questioned by Angelica)
Angelica: Now Daddy, do you remember last year what I wanted for my birthday?
Drew: Well, umm... You had a very long list. Uhh. There was the-
Angelica: Don't get cute with me! What was the one thing I wanted most?
Drew: Uhh... I think it was the big train from the Toy Palace that you can ride around on.
Angelica: You think it was a big train?
Drew: Okay, okay. It was a big train.
Angelica: But you didn't get the big train, did you, Daddy?
Drew: (panicking) Well uh-
Angelica: Did you get the train?! Yes, or no?
Drew: Your honor, I don't see-
Judge: Answer your daughter's question, Mr. Pickles.
Drew: (sighs, and quietly under his breath) No, I didn't get you the train.
Angelica: What was that?
Drew: (louder) I didn't get you the train! (The jury gasps)
Angelica: Ladies and Gentlemen of the jerky, you heard him with your own eyes. I don't ask a lot, but all I wanted for my birthday, my one birthday out of the whole year, I asked for a train, and did I get it? No. (Everyone agrees with Angelica and starts booing at Drew)
Drew: But the toy store was out!
Judge: (bangs his gavel) Mr. Pickles, I rarely editorialize like this, but I just want to say that I think you ought to be ashamed of yourself. (Everyone shouts approval)
Drew: (getting frustrated and beginning to lose it) Your Honor, this is ridiculous! This isn't a courtroom! It's a three-ring circus! All I did was ask for my daughter to eat broccoli. I was just being a good father.
Judge: (bangs his gavel again) Mr. Pickles, I find you in contempt. One more word, and you'll be escorted from the courtroom!
Jury Member: Your Honor, I know this is unusual, but we of the jury feel we don't need to deliberate. We award Angelica Pickles with all of her demands, including complete possession of the house and all of her parents' assets. (Everyone cheers)
Drew: (gasps) This isn't happening! I was just being a good father!
Judge: Bailiff! Have this man removed from my court and locked up! (Everyone cheers and applauds)
Drew: No! I'm a good father! I'm a good father! (The bailiff grabs Drew by the shoulders and drags him away) I'm a good father! I'm a good father!
Judge: (bangs his gavel repeatedly at the crowd as Drew shouts "I'm a good father!" repeatedly) Order! Order in this court! Order! I demand order! I am the judge here!
(The Judge continues shouting and banging his gavel as Drew is continued to be dragged away. Finally, the camera zooms in Drew's mouth and we cut to Drew struggling in his sleep-in bed. It revealed it was all Drew's dream)
Drew: (tosses and turns) I'm a... good... (wakes up) Huh?! A dream! It was just a dream! Charlotte! Charlotte, wake up!
Charlotte: Huh? (She sees the LCD Clock reading 3:01) Drew, It's three in the morning.
Drew: Charlotte, I just had the worst nightmare! Angelica was mad about the broccoli and was suing us to take the house away and the judge was on her side and--
Charlotte: Drew, it was a dream. Go back to sleep.
Drew: (Grabbing his glasses) I-I'm just going to take a peek and see how she's doing. (He leaves the bed)
(Cut to Angelica's Room - Night, Angelia is asleep, Drew kisses her on the head and she wakes up)
Angelica: (yawns) Hi, Daddy.
Drew: Hi, sweetie.
Angelica: Daddy, I'm sorry I was a bad girl.
Drew: No, honey, I'm the one who should be sorry. I shouldn't have tried to make you eat the broccoli. From now on, you can try the foods you're ready to try.
Angelica: Oh Daddy, you're the greatest.
Drew: Sleep tight, princess.
(Drew leaves. After he left, Angelica took out the clipboard, it has the food pyramid diagram, and crosses off the broccoli)
Angelica: (to the camera) Heh, heh! Works every time. (winks)
(The episode ends)