| No Bones About It | Gallery | Transcript |
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(scene opens of a closeup of a tongue followed by the sounds of breathing and pulsating, the tongue is from Spike as he is caught in a heavy tug-o-war between Tommy and Grandpa Lou in a car, Tommy fusses wanting Spike to come with him)
Grandpa Lou: Now c'mon, Spike, there's no two ways about it! You're not coming to the National History Museum, and that's final!
(Grandpa Lou yanks him out of the car as Didi and the three other Rugrats watch, Spike flies in the air and lands on Grandpa Lou, Tommy goes sad)
Didi: Pop? Are you sure you can manage with the kids? They can be a lot of work, and the museum is an awfully big place.
Grandpa Lou: Don't you worry about me, Didi. I've been wrangling young 'uns since before you were born. You know what a handful your Stu is now. (buckles Chuckie up in his carseat): Well, imagine him with a face full of oatmeal and a load in his pants.
Didi: (goes uneasy): Yes... Well, good luck, pop. I hope they don't give you any trouble.
(Lou drives off, Spike goes sad and attempts to go after them, but Didi restrains him, the car drives off as tears well up in Spike's eyes missing Tommy terribly, Tommy looks back as his lips quiver and tears fill his eyes and sniffles, old music plays on the car radio, Grandpa Lou is somehow driving slowly with vehicles honking their horns behind him, a truck drivers honks and angrily shakes his fist as Grandpa Lou swerves along the road, a couple cars finally pass him)
Radio DJ: You're listening to KOLD, K-Old, music for the old and the old at heart. (continues)
Grandpa Lou: (takes off his hearing aid): Durn speakers must be giving out. Can't hear a thing! (turns up the volume)
Truck Driver: (honks and drives past him): HEY! MOVE IT ALONG, PAL!
Grandpa Lou: Everyone's in such a hurry these days. What's so dang important that it can't wait? (an ambulance is right behind Grandpa Lou as it blares its sirens before driving past him and delivering a glare, Chuckie smiles) ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, KEEP YOUR PANTS ON!
Chuckie: Gee, Tommy, everybody must know your grandpa.
Lil: (waves): They're all waving!
Phil: And honking! This is fun!
Driver: (off-screen): MOVE IT, GRANDPA!
Chuckie: Wow, they even know his name.
(Tommy is still sad)
Lil: (notices this): Hey, what's wrong, Tommy?
Tommy: Why couldn't Spike come with us? He always has to stay home.
Chuckie: He sure looked pretty sad.
Phil: Y'know, whenever me and Lil have to stay behind, our mom always brings us home a present.
Lil: Yeah! Like a toy!
Phil: Or a cookie!
Lil: Or a pony!
Phil: Or a boat!
Lil: Or a rocket ship!
Phil: Or a--
Tommy: (cheers up): Hey! You think we could bring home a present for Spike?
Lil: Yeah! Maybe we could find something at the moo-seum!
Tommy: They gotta have stuff for dogs at the moo-seum, they just gotta!
(scene cuts to a big yellow monumental building, the National History Museum, Grand Lou and the babies have arrived, they walk inside)
Grandpa Lou: Now this is what I call a museum. (many priceless works of art are shown on display) None of those fussy pictures of water lilies or ladies that look like guitars, no siree. What you look at that, kids? (the babies gaze down in amazement at a fossilized dinosaur along the spiral staircase) Old Tyrannosaurus Rex, the meanest feller this side of the Jurassic!
Tommy: Bones!
Grandpa Lou: Well, we'd better get a move on; we got a lot to see today. (breathes heavily, to Tommy): Hey, scout, I don't remember you being this heavy. (Tommy is still staring at the dinosaur as Grandpa Lou continues walking on) Maybe we'll take just a rest. (sits down on a bench and sighs, takes Tommy off from his back): Yep, I think a little rest is just what you kids needed. (two elderly lady approach them and sit at the other end of the bench, sees this): Mmm, looky there, scouts. Beautiful gals at 10:00. You just let me do the talking.
Dorothy: That Christopher Columbus certainly was one fascinating man! Imagine discovering America like that.
Frances: They say he was also the invertor of spaghetti.
Grandpa Lou: Pardon me, ladies, but I couldn't help overhearing your conversation. Actually, I believe it was Marco Polo who first brought pasta back from the Western Hemisphere.
Dorothy: You don't say!
Grandpa Lou: Oh, yes. The Indians, of course, didn't call it spaghetti. They knew it... as maize.
Dorothy: Oh!
Frances: Fascinating!
Grandpa Lou: The thing most people don't know, though, is that Columbus wasn't even looking for America. (Tommy climbs down the bench) He was on his way to Australia, and kinda got lost. (continues)
Tommy: Hey, you guys, did you see that big pile of bones?
Phil and Lil: Yeah!
Tommy: Let's get one for Spike! Dogs love bones.
Chuckie: I don't know, Tommy, those bones were pretty big and real far away.
Tommy: Aw, c'mon, Chuckie.
Phil: (he and Lil get out of the stroller): Let's get the bones, Chuckie!
Lil: Yeah, Chuckie! Let's get a bone for Spike!
Chuckie: (worried): I just wanted a nice quiet trip to the moo-seum. No running away from grownups, no getting lost, no making trouble--just a nice quiet trip. But no! You guys always have to think of something scary! (walks closer to Tommy)
Tommy: Are you done, Chuckie?
Chuckie: Yeah, that's about it.
Tommy: THEN LET'S GO GET THE BONE!
(the Rugrats leave as Grandpa Lou continues his lecture to the two elderly ladies)
Grandpa Lou: But the problem was he forgot to bring a turkey with him from Italy. So, instead, he had to barter with the pilgrims. (sees the empty stroller where the twins were, gasps): Uh-oh! (stammers): Uh, excuse me, ladies! (runs frantically with the stroller)
Frances: Gracious, what an intelligent man.
Dorothy: A little strange, though.
(Grandpa Lou runs down the museum shocking some patrons until he stops gasping seeing a golden badge from a guard)
Grandpa Lou: (reads the badge): "Sally Payson, Chief of Security".
Sally Payson: That's right, mister. Now, where's the fire?
Grandpa Lou: Well, I--
Sally Payson: Sir, there is no running in the museum, please!
Grandpa Lou: Uh, b-but I--
Sally Payson: I might expect that kind of behavior from a couple of teenage punks, but not from someone with snow on the roof.
Grandpa Lou: (nods): Uh, yes, ma'am, uh, it won't happen again.
(he walks off as Payson watches him, Grandpa Lou whistles then rushes off again, Payson sees this and chases him, scene cuts to the babies seeing the dinosaur)
Tommy: Look, the bones!
Chuckie: Wow! There's enough to keep Spike happy for a whole week.
Tommy: Which way do you think we go?
Phil: That way!
Lil: No, that way!
Chuckie: I got a bad feeling about this.
Grandpa Lou: (sees them): Hey, scout! Hold on a second! (he runs after them until he accidentally knocks over a priceless urn but Grandpa Lou catches it and sighs in relief until the runaway stroller knocks down another) WHOA!!
(he catches it just in time as he sees the babies heading into another room)
Sally Payson: (stands over him): Okay, pops! End of the line! (notices this): Hey! That museum property you got you grubby paws on! (takes one urn away from him) I'm taking you down! (Grandpa Lou leaves to find the babies) HALT!!! Buster, you picked a bad time to cross Big Sally.
(scene cuts to the Rugrats in the jungle room as they look around)
Babies: (in unison): Wow!
Chuckie: Where are we, Tommy?
Tommy: (he and Chuckie get dirty from climbing): I think we're in a jungle.
Phil: What's a jungle?
Tommy: It's where all the "aminals" live, like on TV.
Chuckie: (as they go through plants): I don't know if I like a jungle.
Lil: It was Phil's idea to come this way.
Phil: Was not my idea!
Lil: Was too!
Phil: Was not!
Lil: Was t--
(the babies gasp seeing a stuffed lion with its mouth wide open exposing its sharp teeth)
Tommy: Don't move. If we stand here long enough, he'll go away.
(Grandpa Lou finds the babies, but does not recognize them with dirt all over them)
Grandpa Lou: Now, where have I seen that cave kid before? Hmm... (shrugs and leaves)
Lil: Hey, the lion's not moving.
Phil: (points): Yeah, I think maybe he's just a teddy bear.
Chuckie: He's way too scary for a teddy bear!
Tommy: I think they're right, Chuckie. (walks over and knocks on the lion's hind foot): Yep, he is just a teddy bear.
Chuckie: (feels it): Phew! For a second, I thought he was a real lion. (pats on it): I'm glad he's just a teddy bear.
(Chuckie pats on the lion so hard that the lion begins to tip, the Rugrats gasp and scream running off as the lion falls on the floor)
Dorothy: (sees this): What an impressive diorama.
Frances: The movement's so realistic--you'd almost think those little native children were alive.
(scene cuts to Grandpa Lou entering a hall full of royal knights' armor)
Grandpa Lou: (pants until he sees something): Huh?!
(Payson arrives and looks around until he catches Grandpa Lou posing at a statue)
Sally Payson: Mister, your troublemaking days are over! Drop your weapons! (Grandpa Lou runs off knocking down a few armor collection, trips): VANDAL!!! HOOLIGAN!!! (shakes her fist): YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS!!!
(scene cuts to the Rugrats, now all clean, entering a native room, they gasp in astonishment seeing tribal masks hanging on the wall)
Phil and Lil: (in unison): Halloween!
(the twins and Chuckie grabs some masks and play with them as they laugh)
Tommy: C'mon, we gotta get that bone! (the babies continue playing) You guys... (sees a mask and puts it on): Oh, okay.
(the four babies run around laughing until they freeze as statues when a tour group arrives)
Tour Guide: Just ahead, we have a rare collection of rare tribal mask from New Guinea. Legend has it that each mask is possessed by a spirit who springs to life every thousand years... (the babies come closers getting the tourists' attention) ...to indulge in a cannibalistic feast.
(the babies move their masks)
Dorothy and Frances: (screaming in terror): AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!
(the whole tour gasps backing away as the babies approaches slowly to them)
Tour Group: (runs away screaming): AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
(the babies take off the masks, the twins giggle)
Tommy: Hmm... Well, I guess they liked our costumes.
(the Rugrats throw down the masks and finally head to where the Tyrannosaurus Rex is)
Babies: Wow!
Chuckie: (points): Look at all them bones!
Tommy: Which one should we take home for Spike? There's so many!
Phil and Lil: (pointing): That one! That one!
Tommy: They're all too big.
Chuckie: Yeah, most of these are even bigger than Spike.
Babies: (looks at the bones until they point at the toes): That one!
Tommy: He'll love it! (tries to wiggle it out)
Grandpa Lou: (comes in seeing this): TOMMY!!!
(Tommy gets the toe out)
Babies: Wow!
(Grandpa Lou snatches it away from Tommy)
Sally Payson: (off-screen): FREEZE! (Grandpa Lou and the babies see her come in carrying a spear): Hasta la vista, baby! (presses her nose on Lou's): You, my friend, are out of here!
Grandpa Lou: But, uh, but...
Sally Payson: (takes the toe away from him): I'll take that! You know, it's people like you that make me thankful for people like me.
Grandpa Lou: But see, that bone--
Sally Payson: Get out!
Grandpa Lou: You need to put that bone--
Sally Payson: GET OUT! OUT! NOW! (Grandpa Lou straps Tommy on his back as he and the rest of the babies leave) Well, I saved the museum. Looks like my work here is done. (just then, huge rumbling occurs, looks up at the dinosaur): Uh-oh... (the entire Tyrannosaurus Rex dismantles itself and falls over) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
(Grandpa Lou and the babies gasps and sees the bones rain down on Payson, the dinosaur is ruined, one bone bounces all the way to Tommy, who happily catches it)
Grandpa Lou: C'mon, kids. Let's skedaddle.
(scene cuts to the Pickles residence, Didi is in the kitchen reading the "Daily Blab" where the front page reads Security Chief Claims Innocence In Museum Disaster along with an apparent mugshot photo of Payson)
Stu: You know, Deed, I'm impressed. (Didi drinks her coffee) An old fella like that handling four toddlers.
Didi: Yes, but I think they got the better of him. (she turns to see Grandpa Lou sitting on the sofa taking a nap with his feet in a tub) What amazes me is taking four kids to a place like that and making it home without having to buy a single souvenir.
(little did they know about that, the babies are outside in the backyard with Spike with the bone in his mouth, Tommy and Chuckie are digging a hole before Spike drops it in. Spike buries it with his feet, Tommy runs over to Spike and laughs, Spike gives him affectionate kisses, Tommy then gives him a hug and does the same ending the episode)