Feeding Hubert | Gallery | Transcript |
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(Scene opens with a spinning baby toy over a crib with someone's eye blinking then moving to the window with the sound of an approaching vehicle, it was Tommy, Tommy pushes the blanket back and peers out the window, he sees a garbage man walking along the sidewalk at night with a garbage truck following him, Tommy gasps in amazement as the man and the truck near his house)
Garbage Man: Hold it right there, Hubert! Got a couple of them over here. (Tommy goes amazed at this as the garbage man empties the can in the back of the truck) Okay, chew it up, Hubert! (the truck chews up the garbage as Tommy watches in stilled amazement, the truck leaves) That's it, Hubert. A little further. Ho!
Tommy: Wow! (lies back down smiling): Hubert!
(The scene cuts to the living room, Chuckie is lying on the sofa)
Chuckie: Tommy?
Tommy: (reads a book): Yes, Chuckie?
Chuckie: I had the scariest dream.
Tommy: Hmm...
Chuckie: It was real, real early in the morning and I looked out my window, and there was a big green monster coming down the street.
Lil: What'd you do?
Phil: Did you 'tack it with your plastic shovel?
Chuckie: Nah. I hid until it went away. But the weird part is, I had the same dream last week, and again the week before that.
Tommy: Chuckie, it was no dream! I saw it, too!
Chuckie: You did?
Tommy: Uh-huh. The monster's name is Hubert, and every house puts out lotsa cans full of monster food for him.
Lil: Wow!
Chuckie: He doesn't eat little kids?
Tommy: Nah. I think that's why they put out cans. But he has a big wide mouth that goes... (makes a face as the screen closes in on his mouth, echoes): BLAAAAAAHHHH!!!!
Lil: We gotta meet Hubert!
Phil: Yeah! When he comes tomorrow, let's all get up and see him!
Tommy, Phil and Lil: (they high-five): Yeah!
Chuckie: (worried): Boy, I was really hoping it was just a dream.
(The scene cuts to the neighborhood at night, the babies wait as they watch out their windows, except for Chuckie, who cowers under his blanket underneath his bed, there was no sign of the garbage truck)
Tommy: (sadly): Well... I guess he's not coming.
(The scene cuts to the next day in the living room)
Didi: Oh, Betty, I really appreciate your helping me out with this recycling petition.
Betty: Hey, it's about time somebody sent a wakeup call to those bureaucrats down at city hall.
(The babies have gathered in the playpen)
Lil: We didn't see any monster, Tommy.
Tommy: I know. I hope nothing happened to him.
Chuckie: Hey, maybe I was dreaming!
Phil: Maybe you were both dreaming.
Lil: Maybe there is no monster.
Tommy: (angry): There is too a monster!
Chuckie: (consoles him): It's okay, Tommy. Sometimes dreams can seem pretty real.
Tommy: (gets up): I'm gonna prove it! I'm gonna prove Hubert is real! C'mon! (the babies leave, Chuckie goes nervous, they open the door to the dark garage, Tommy looks around with his flashlight seeing a stack of recyclables) They gotta be around here somewhere.
Chuckie: I don't like this place, Tommy. It reminds me of that time when we went to your garage.
Tommy: Chuckie, this is our garage.
Chuckie: Oh.
(The babies continue searching)
Tommy: LOOK!
(They see three trash cans)
Phil: Wow!
Tommy: Those are the food cans I told you about. I saw my dad put 'em back in here.
Lil: Let's see if there's any monster food in 'em. (they head over to the trash cans) C'mon, Phil, help me up.
(Phil does so, Lil peeks inside the trash can)
Tommy: What do you see, Lil?
(Trash is shown in the can)
Phil: Does it look yummy?
Lil: Yeah, I'll say!
Tommy: Get us some, Lil!
Phil: Yeah, we wanna eat monster food!
Chuckie: Uh, I don't know, you guys.
Lil: (tries to reach): I can't get it! (Phil tries boosting Lil up) Just a little more!
(Phil pushes Lil in the trash can)
Chuckie: Now look what you did!
Lil: Hey, you guys! I don't know if we wanna eat this stuff.
(The scene cuts to the babies tiptoeing in the kitchen without the grownup seeing them as Lil is covering in trash)
Didi: I'm amazed! This petition drive has really energized the community. I had no idea that so many people were interested in the solid waste crisis.
Betty: Yeah, Deed, but it took you to get the ball roll-- (sees Lil): Holy catfish! LIL!
Didi: Oh, dear! (Didi and Betty rush over to Lil, the telephone rings) Stu! Can you get that? Lil's all sticky with filth.
Stu: Oh, okay. (answers the phone): Hello. (a voice is heard on the other end) Yeah, this is the Pickles residence.
Tiffany: This is Tiffany Bride at Channel 4.
Stu: (muffled on the other end): The one with the hair?
Tiffany: What?
Stu: The one with the hair?
Tiffany: (looks uneasy): Uh, yes, Mr. Pickles, the one with the hair. (chuckles) Anyway, we've heard about your wife's recycling petition and we just love to come over there and do an interview. Do you think Mrs. Pickles might be interested?
Stu: Uh, just a minute. I'll ask her. Didi!
Didi: (she and Betty are bathing Lil in the sink): Not now, Stu!
Stu: Channel 4 wants to come over and do an interview with you. What should I tell them?
Didi: Huh? Oh, I don't know, Stu. Whatever!
Stu: She says she'd be delighted.
(The scene cuts to the playpen)
Tommy: Now do you believe in Hubert?
Lil: Nothing but a monster would eat that stuff.
Phil: I'm sorry we never got to get a taste.
Lil: Speak for yourself.
Chuckie: If there really is a monster, that probably means he's more likely to come back!
Lil: Uh-huh, and soon, I bet. That can is pretty fool.
Chuckie: Oh, boy...
(The scene cuts to the kitchen, Stu is feeding Tommy)
Didi: STU! What could you have been thinking? I don't want a bunch of TV news people over here!
Stu: Well, you said it was okay. Besides, I thought a little publicity would help your recycling petition.
Didi: Help?! Stu, we haven't been to the recycling center in six months! How's that going to look on TV?
Stu: Relax, Deed, I'll take everything to the recycling center this afternoon.
Didi: But... But what about the five or six cans of garbage we put out every week? Oh, we'll look like the most wasteful people in the whole city!
Stu: Deed, I'll take care of it. When Monday morning rolls around, we'll have just one little can of garbage.
(Upon hearing this, Tommy muffles and swallows in shock)
(The scene cuts to the playpen)
Tommy: You guys, I think we're in trouble!
Chuckie: (shrouds himself with his blanket): Oh, no, I hate trouble!
Tommy: I heard my dad say they're only gonna put out one can of monster food this week!
Phil: So?
Lil: Don't you get it, Phil? Hubert's gonna be hungry!
Phil: Oh...
Chuckie: If he's hungry, he could have my strained spinach.
Lil: He's not gonna want to eat your spinach, Chuckie.
Phil: He's gonna want to eat you.
(Chuckie gulps in fear)
Tommy: Yeah! I wouldn't be surprised if he ate all of us!
Chuckie: Why don't your mom and dad just put out more food, Tommy?
Tommy: Grownups don't understand monsters, Chuckie.
Chuckie: Oh, I don't like this. This doesn't sound like a good thing!
Angelica: Are you babies talking about the monster that makes those terrible noises early in the morning?
Tommy, Lil and Phil: (in unison): Yeah!
Angelica: And eats out of those big cans?
Chuckie: His name's Hubert and every house is s'posed to feed him lots and lots of cans. We're doomed.
Angelica: (smiles): Oh, I don't know. There's lots of things that monsters like Hubert love to eat. Things you can find all around the house. It's easy to make a can of monster food.
Tommy: How, Angelica?
Angelica: You guys just do what I tell you and everything's gonna be okay.
(Angelica whispers to them devising a plan, scene cuts to the babies getting to work, Tommy grabs one of Stu's slippers, Chuckie grabs a TV remote near a sleeping Grandpa Lou, Angelica grabs a stack of magazines in the basement, Phil goes in the bedroom closet and pulls out a box of Mega Mommy VHS tapes before taking it with him, Lil goes in another closet and pushes balls out and grabs Stu's 2nd place trophy from high school, Angelica and the babies gather in the garage and throw everything in the cans)
(The scene cuts to the garage, the door opens and Didi and Stu see a lot of stacked boxes, newspapers and garbage bags)
Didi: Stu!
Stu: What?
Didi: I though you said you were going to take care of all this recycling!
Stu: I am.
Didi: Tiffany Bride is coming tomorrow morning!
Stu: Who?
Didi: The one with the hair!
Stu: Oh, Deed, don't worry. I got a whole day. (notices something): Hey, my slippers!
(They go to the trash cans)
Didi: (gasps): Our trophy! Who put this stuff out here?
(The scene cuts to the playpen)
Chuckie: I'm worried, Tommy.
Tommy: Chuckie, everything's gonna be fine. We put plenty of food out for Hubert.
Chuckie: But what if something goes wrong?
(Stu comes in the house carrying a box of stuff the babies threw away without Tommy noticing)
Tommy: Well, what could go wrong?
(The scene cuts outside the house on the next day)
Stu: (paces back and forth): I am a wreck.
Didi: Stu, calm down, it's no big deal. Oh, we should put out our garbage can.
Stu: Oh, yeah, right.
(Stu activates the garage door with the remote, but as it opens, Didi gasps in shock seeing the whole garage still full of recycling)
Didi: STU! THE RECYCLING!
Stu: (flatly): Oops.
Didi: That hair lady's going to be here in five minutes!
Stu: Don't worry, Deed, I got it covered. (wheels out the garbage can on a stroller)
Didi: Oh... What about the rest of that stuff?
Stu: (closes the garage door): Hey, they don't have to go inside our garage. All they're going to see is this one little can.
Tommy: (sees from the window, gasps): Oh, no!
(Stu wheels the can to the sidewalk, Betty comes over carrying Phil and Lil with Howard and Chaz visiting)
Betty: Hey, Stu, Deed. Hope you don't mind us dropping by.
Didi: Uh... er... no.
Betty: Say, where's that gal with the hair?
Stu: (nervously): Should be here any minute.
Betty: Great! I'll take these kids inside. (Betty does so as Stu goes very nervous, just then, a van arrives, a man and Tiffany are here, brings her babies to Tommy in his room) Now you pups just stay here and relax while your folks become TV stars.
(Betty fixes her hair at the mirror and leaves)
Tommy: (climbs out of the crib): We're in big trouble! My folks only put out one can of monster food! You know what that means?
Phil: Hubert's gonna be mad!
Lil: And when monsters are mad...
Chuckie: They go back to their caves?
Tommy: No, Chuckie, they eat people.
Chuckie: What are we gonna do?
Tommy: (thinks for a moment) C'mon! We gotta find some monster foo!
(The babies rush out of the bedroom)
(The scene cuts to outside the house)
Tiffany: (gets ready): How's my hair? (the cameraman holds a thumb up and begins filming for live television) The Pickles have been recycling since 1986. (holds the microphone to Didi): Isn't that right, Didi?
Didi: Uh... uh...
Stu: Recycling since 1986--that's right, Tiffany!
Tiffany: And when were you able to bring your household waste output down to a single weekly can?
(Stu and Didi grin at the camera nervously)
(The scene cuts to the babies pushing a stool)
Chuckie: We're not going back in there, are we?
Tommy: We gotta, Chuckie. That's where all the monster food is.
(Tommy opens the door to the garage where all the stack of garbage and recycling are)
(The scene cuts to the neighborhood, many people are watching)
Tiffany: So, Stu, Didi, during an average week, how many times would you say you made trips to the recycling center.
(Stu and Didi look at each other)
Stu: Uh, what... what would you say, Deed?
Didi: Uh... uh...
Tiffany: Let's just say... on average.
Stu: Oh, yeah. (clears his throat): Uh, on average. Uh, that would be, uh, well, uh, give or take... Uh, we usually, uh, pick up the, uh...
Phil: (in the garage, points at a button on the wall): This one, Tommy?
(Tommy smiles and nods, Phil pushes the button)
Stu: (nervously): And I, I, I, I...
(Stu turns around hearing the garage door open, Didi and Tiffany gasp, the cameraman goes shocked as the garage reveals all the garbage and recycling, a single open can falls and clatters along the driveway making Stu and Didi gasp, suddenly, an ocean of garbage comes gushing out of the garage, the babies laugh as they ride within in, a banana peel lands on Tiffany's hair causing it to fall off revealing to be a wig, Tiffany is totally bald)
Tiffany: (shrieks in embarrassment): AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! MY HAIR!!!
(The crowd gasps at this sight, the trash comes to a stop)
Tommy: Looks like Hubert's not gonna go hungry now!
(The scene cuts to another news report)
Tiffany: Just one week ago, we saw environmental disaster right here at this very home. (Stu and Didi are present standing outside their home) Cans, bottles, newspapers--garbage flowing into the street, a flood of filth and pestilence. (Stu and Did smile nervously) But now the home of Stu and Didi Pickles has become the site for the inaugural run of the city's new curbside recycling trucks. (she presents two new recycling bins and neatly stacked newspapers, recycling trucks drive along the street) And what a sight they are.
(Three recycling trucks are shown on the TV, the babies see this as Grandpa Lou continues sleeping)
Tommy: (gasps): Look! Baby Huberts!
Chuckie, Phil and Lil: Ooh!
(The neighborhood pulls away, ending the episode)