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Babies in Toyland (Episode) Gallery Transcript

(Christmas has come to town; everyone is busy preparing for the holidays. Some Christmas carolers are parading down the street up to the Pickles' house.)

Carolers: "♪ If you haven't got a penny, a ha' penny will do/If you haven't got a ha' penny, then God bless you!/Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat... ♪"

(In the Pickles' house, Lou is snoring in the living room chair. Lil, Kimi, and Chuckie are staring out the window while Phil fiddles with his fruitcake.)

Phil: "Why would you mess up cake with green chewy things?!"

Lil: "But you like green chewy things."

Phil: "Not if they don't wiggle!"

(Dil is eating a gingerbread cookie; Spiffy sniffs it up and tries to get it.)

Dil: "No! Ookie mine!"

Tommy: "Okay, Dilly. These is Christmas singing peoples. They, uh, come to your door and sing stuff for you at Christmas."

(Right when he finishes, Spiffy steals Dil's cookie off-guard.)

Dil: "Huh?"

(Dil gasps and cries over his stolen cookie.)

Kimi: "I don't think he likes the singing peoples, Tommy."

Chuckie: (slides off the ball he was sitting on) "Uh, they do sound kind of mad."

Tommy: "Dilly... aw, Dilly... You not apposed to cry. Oh, no, you guys, they're ruining Dil's firstest Christmas!"

(Kimi takes a look; the carolers are right outside on the doorstep.)

Carolers: "♪ Bring us some figgy pudding, oh, bring us some figgy pudding... ♪"

(Spiffy is still eating Dil's cookie; Dil is still crying like crazy.)

Chuckie: (covering his ears) "I don't like the sound of this!"

(The carolers are still waiting outside.)

Carolers: "♪ We won't go until we get some, we won't go until we get some... ♪"

Phil: "They're not going to stop 'til they get some pooding!"

Tommy: "All's we gots to do is find them some figgies and they'll go away."

Lil: "And what if we don't gots any, Tommy?"

Tommy: "Then we'll, uh, give them some, uh, buddyscotch pudding."

Didi: (enters from the kitchen) "I think somebody's hungry. (She picks up Dil; he stops crying) "Come on, kids, let's go say hello to our Christmas carolers."

(She leads them out of the living room; she opens the door as she and Stu come out to greet the carolers.)

Carolers: ♪ Good tidings for Christmas and a happy New Year! We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry --"

(The song is interrupted by Angelica barging their way right through!)

Angelica: "All right, all right! Bust it up! We got something very 'portant to do."

Didi: "Hello, Angelica."

Angelica: "Merry, Christmas, Aunt Didi! I being a very good girl so that Santa will give me lots of presents."

(Charlotte and Drew have arrived; a limo stands behind them.)

Charlotte: "I couldn't tell."

Didi: "Hi, Charlotte. Is it party time already?"

Charlotte: "I thought we'd get a jump start on the festivities. We've even rented a limo-bus to celebrate Stu's big night."

Drew: "Yeah, I can hardly wait to see this brilliant design work of yours, bro."

Stu: "Well, Jonathan did say that I've done for Christmasland what Michelangelo did for the Sistine Chapel."

Didi: "Well, if it's anything like our giant neon dreidel, I'm sure this will be the Christmas party to end all Christmas parties."

(Pan up to reveal a lighted spinning dreidel on the rooftop; it shocks with electricity.)

Charlotte: "Oh, please, Didi. None of your prophecies of doom tonight."

(Cut to inside.)

Lil: "What Christmas stuff should we do with Dil now, Tommy?"

Tommy: "Good question, Lil. Um... uh... I don't know."

Phil: "How 'bout we let him suck our wet mittens?"

Tommy: Gee, Phil, that's awful nice but I don't think that's exactly special."

(Angelica enters; she is wearing a festive gown.)

Angelica: "What are you marshmallow brains talking about?"

Tommy: "We're trying to think of special stuff to do for Dil's very firstest Christmas."

Angelica: "Oh, brother. You babies can't do nothing to make Christmas special. Only Santa can do that."

Kimi: "But we was showing Dil singing peoples."

Chuckie: "Yeah, and we was going to let him suck wet mittens."

Angelica: "There's only one thing that makes Christmas special, and that's presents. Lots and lots of presents! And Santa's the only one who gives out the good ones. And lucky for you tinkle heads, we're going to see him tonight."

Kimi: "We're going to see Santa?!?"

Lil: "And get prezzies?!?"

Angelica: "Well, I know I am, 'cause I'm the one who's been good all year. You babies are on your own." (pause) "OUTTA MY WAY! I got to go find where Aunt Didi hid all the cookies."

(She rushes out of the living room.)

Lil: "She must have been good all the times we wasn't looking."

(The others are confused. Later, everyone is seated in the bus-limo and heading off; the giant dreidel on the rooftop shorts out and malfunctions, falling sideways. Later in the bus-limo, the babies and their families are on their way.)

Chas: "Thanks for the invite, Charlotte. Christmas kind of snuck up on us this year."

Kira: "We haven't even had time to decorate our tree."

Charlotte: "Glad you could join us. Like I say, why do Christmas yourself when Mega Corp can do it bigger and better?"

Betty: "And with miles of twinkle lights, it can't get any better!"

Howard: "Especially if I don't have to untangle them."

Stu: "Well, I hate to brag, but this project just might be the future of animatronic technology."

Lou: "You kids can keep your high-tech holiday hoopla. In my day, all you needed for Christmas was Bing Crosby, a comfy chair, and a hot cup of cocoa."

Lulu: "That's why I love this romantic fool." (cuddles his face)

Lou: "Easy on the cheeks, Lulu."

(The adults begin to sing a Christmas carol.)

Chas: ♪ On the twelve day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... ♪

All adults: ♪ Twelve drummers drumming,
♪ Eleven lords a-leaping,
♪ Ten ladies dancing,
♪ Nine pipers piping,
♪ Eight maids-a-milking,
♪ Seven swans-a-singing,
♪ Six geese-a-laying...

Betty: ♪ Fiiiiiive golden rings!

All adults: ♪ Four calling birds,
♪ Three French hens,
♪ Two turtle doves...

(Under the previous:)

Chuckie: "This doesn't close like this. I wish I'd never gotted potty-trained. That's why I'm staying in diapies for the rest of my lifes."

Lil: "You still got that gingy bread we've been saving for Santa?"

Phil: "Yup, safe and sound."

All adults: ♪ And a partridge in a pear tree.

(The adults are tired and bored after the song.)

Betty: "They should pass a law to shorten that song."

Chas: "Maybe they could trim it back to just five days of Christmas."

Charlotte: "Good idea, Chas. I mean, after rings of gold, does any other gift really matter?"

Lou: "That's the problem with you kids today-- always looking for shortcuts. That song's over 100 years old. Folks back then only lived half as long as we do but they found time to sing the whole song."

Angelica: "I see Christmasland!!!"

(The bus-limo arrives at Mega Corp; in the central courtyard is a magnificent Christmas wonderland. The limo parks, and an elf, Hermie, appears at the window.)

Hermie: "Welcome to Christmasland, everyone! Now, please watch your step and proceed toward the flashing snowman."

(Another elf stands by a snowman with flashing eyes; Didi is the first to get off.)

Didi: "Stu, it's magnificent!"

(Zoom back to reveal the full view of Christmasland. Everyone else gets off.)

Chas: "Wow! Real imitation elves. Nice touch."

Stu: "Looking good, Hermie."

Hermie: "You're too kind, Mr. Pickles. And may I say, you have a lovely family."

Angelica: (shrilly) "LET ME OUT!"

(Angelica is the last one out, barging her way through the door until she meets up with the other babies.)

Angelica: "Let's get something straight. I'm the oldest and the smartest, so I get to see Santa first!"

Phil and Lil: "Oh..."

Angelica: "That means I get dibs on the new Commercial Pilot Cynthia set, and all the other good stuffs he's giving away."

Tommy: "But then what's Santa going to give Dilly?"

Angelica: "Whatever presents I don't want. And you better hope he gets something good the first time around, 'cause if he doesn't, that drooly brother of yours is never going to get another Christmas for the rest of his lifes!"

(Tommy gasps in shock.)

Chuckie: "Is that true, Angelica?"

Angelica: "Yep, that's something they teach you in preschool, but you babies wouldn't know nothing about that. See ya!"

(She rushes through the Christmasland gate.)

Phil: "See? You do learn stuffs in school."

Tommy: "We gots to hurry and find Santa so we make sure Dilly gets to have Christmas forever!"

(They enter Christmasland as Dil giggles. Meanwhile, Angelica is trying to find Santa; the babies explore, Phil licks a giant green candy cane.)

Phil: "Doesn't really taste like a candied cane."

Lil: "Maybe we're not apposed to eat it."

Phil: "Then what's the point?"

Angelica: (gasps) "There's his chair!"

(She rushes toward a chair on a staircase; in a control room, Stu is demonstrating the abilities of Christmasland through monitors.)

Stu: "One flip of a switch, and you've got the battle of the Nutcracker. Another, you have the little town of Bethlehem with a real petting zoo."

Betty: "To think we almost passed all this up for a quiet Christmas Eve at home."

(Angelica reaches Santa's chair.)

Angelica:' "Santa?! Oh, Mr. Santa Claus, nice sir?! Where are you?!!??"

(Cut back to the control room.)

Stu: "Okay, brace yourselves for the pièce de résistance. Each pavilion has its own control, and I can go from flurry to blizzard with just a turn of a knob."

(Stu presses a button which sets a snowfall gauge to a blizzard setting; a series of chimneys start bursting out snow as the babies run around and giggle, Phil and Lil catching some on their tongues.)

Drew: "Got to hand it to you, bro-- this is actually good."

(An electrical zap is heard; a chain link underneath is coming loose, Stu fixes it.)

Stu: "It's fine. Happens with new circuit panels. Hey, how about I show you the pioneer Christmas cabin?"

(The adults leave. Back outside...)

Angelica: "Mommy, what if Santa gives all the good stuff away?"

Charlotte: "Sweetheart, your mommy's the CEO. Santa wouldn't dare forget to save the best present for you."

(Angelica smiles; inside the control room, the chain link under the desk starts to come loose again.)

(Later on, a train pulls up in front of everyone.)

Animatronic conductor: "All aboard!"

Lou: "You all go ahead and take your ride. I'll stay here with the kids and wait for Santa."

Stu: "Okay, Pop, if you insist, but we'll be right back."

Lulu: "You really don't mind if I hop on the Holiday Express, Lou?"

Lou: "'Course not. Just meet me under the mistletoe later with a cup of cocoa. Light on the marshmallows."

Lulu: "Oh, Lou."

(She smooches Lou loudly; the adults leave on the train.)

Kids: "Bye-bye!"

Lou: How's about I tell you sprouts a story about an old-fashioned Christmas back before shopping malls and shiny aluminum Christmas trees? Yep, those were the days-- when people looked out for one another and a new pair of socks made you about as happy as a...

(Lou falls out like a light; Angelica spots Santa entering a building.)

Angelica: "So, that's where Santa's hiding!"

(She starts to leave.)

Kimi: "Where are you going, Angelica?"

Angelica: "I worked too hard to be good this year! I'm not losing first dibs on all the toys."

Tommy: "But we want to come with you."

Angelica: "Over my red body! You babies are staying right here till I gets back with my presents. I don't want any of your bald heads getting in the way of my Christmas!"

Tommy: "But what about Dil's Christmas?"

Angelica: "Not my problem."

(Angelica enters the employees only room.)

Kimi: "Now what do we do?"

Tommy: "Uh, maybe we should go wait at Santa's chair. I mean, Santa's going to have to sit down sometime, right?"

Phil: "Yeah. We might even find good stuffs in his seat cushies."

Tommy: "Hang on, guys. My grandpa's going to wants a snack when he wakes up."

(He fills a cup of hot cocoa from the dispenser and places it next to the sleeping Lou.)

(In the control room, the chain link under the desk comes undone and the panel shocks; the blizzard gauge's needle moves all the way to the red square on the right which flashes red and beeps. All the chimneys start bursting five times the blizzard around the pioneer cabin, which the adults have already entered.)

Charlotte: "Oh, isn't it quaint? Life before catering."

Lulu: "Ooh, it's just as I remember from my childhood."

Didi: "Look at all these clothes."

Stu: "Everything's authentic 18th-century. Same as the food."

Howard: "Really?" (looks at some geletin) "Is that chestnut aspic?"

Betty: "Nah, that's just a Jell-O mold."

Stu: "But wait, there's more!"

(He presses a button which starts up a self-playing piano, followed by an animatronic pioneer couple beginning to move and dance.)

Pioneer Man: ♪ There's snow on the ground
♪ And our family's gathered round
♪ When it's Christmastime on the prairie.

Pioneer Woman: ♪ It's the time of the year
♪ We share with those so dear
♪ It's Christmastime on the plain...

(Outside, the snow is still spraying everywhere nonstop. In the employees only room, Angelica enters a dressing room and finds the actor playing Santa Claus dressing up.)

Angelica: "Aha!"

(She approaches him.)

Angelica: "Santa Claus! I've been looking all over for you and I was starting to lose my impatience."

Santa: "Ho-ho-ho! Little girl. Technically, I'm not supposedto be out there for another five minutes." [chuckles] "Well, you're here, so let's get started."

Angelica: [rapid-fire] "I'd really, really love the Cynthia -- Aircraft with movable beverage cart and first-class cabin, and I want a ZZ Bake Microwave Oven with bubble gum-flavored cake mix!"

Santa: "Uh, this isn't a good time. Santa's a very busy man on Christmas Eve."

Angelica: "I know. That's why I'm talking fast." [inhales, rapid-fire] "I need three new Tapioca tapes, 'cause my dumb drooly cousin Dil spit up all over my other ones! Oh, and I want my own bicycle with flower training wheels like the one you gave Susie Carmichael last year, but I want a purple one!"

Santa: [ chuckles] "What's your name, little girl?"

Angelica: "Angelica."

Santa: "What a pretty name."

Hermie: "I think it means 'little angel.'"

Santa: "Let's see what Santa has for you this year. Now, close your eyes."

Angelica: [does so] "I'm waiting..."

(Santa motions to Hermie, who walks over with a box. Santa reaches in and pulls out a squeaky reindeer toy, and places it in Angelica's hands.)

Santa: "Here you go."

(She opens her eyes and looks at the reindeer, and is not at all pleased.)

Angelica: "That's it?! You got me a... moose?!"

Santa: "Even better than a moose. It's a reindeer!"

Angelica: "A reindeer?! Its nose doesn't even glow! You call THIS a Christmas present?!"

Santa: "Little girl... ho... it's the thought that counts!"

Angelica: "Yeah... I'm thinking this present STINKS!"

Santa: "Oh, look at the time! Oh, can't keep elves waiting. They're short on patience. Merry Christmas!"

(Santa leaves, laughing. Angelica holds her reindeer toy angrily.)

Angelica: "Oh, no, you don't!"

(Outside, the babies are still waiting. Santa comes out of the employee room; sneaking to get away from Angelica, who is in the door, angry.)

Lil: "Does anybody smell something?"

Phil: "It was the fruitcake."

Kimi: (gasps) "It's him!"

Tommy: "Here comes Santa Claus, Dilly! And I bet he's going to make this your most specialest Christmas ever!"

(Dil babbles with delight as Santa continues on his way. He was almost at the chair when he sees Angelica coming over and shrieks.)

Angelica: "I came all the way here to ask you nice for the stuffs I wanted and all you give me is this dumb thing?!!?"

Santa: "Hey, look, kid, come on. I'm just doing this as a favor to my brother-in-law. This isn't my job."

Angelica: "Everybody knows that it's Santa job to make sure nice kids like me get every toy they want with no 'ceptions!"

Santa: "You know what little girls like you should get? A good spanking!"

(The babies gasp in shock, as does Angelica; this is Santa's last straw; he throws his hat down.)

Santa: "Little girl, you can kiss your Christmas good-bye, 'cause Santy Claus is calling it QUITS!"

(He marches his way out of Christmasland; being stopped by a goat on the way out. Angelica is hurt before stomping and growling lividly.)

Angelica: "Do you know how hard it was for me to be good all year?!"

Chuckie: "Tommy, if Santa quitted, does that mean we're not getting any presents?"

Tommy: "I guess so, Chuckie."

Kimi: "Oh, no."

Phil: "No fair!"

Lil: "No prezzies?!"

Tommy: "It's even worser than that, you guys. That means Dil isn't going to gets to have another Christmas ever again!"

(Back at the pioneer cabin, Lulu is still dancing while the others are bored.)

Pioneer couple:
♪ When it's Christmastime on the prairie
♪ With goodness and cheer
♪ We toast the ones so dear
♪ When it's Christmastime on the plains... ♪

(The animatronics wind down and stop.)

Lulu: "Where's everyone's Christmas spirit?"

Charlotte: "Unfortunately, mine's in the key of D. How about we step forward a few centuries and get back to the real party?"

Didi: "Good idea. I wouldn't want to miss seeing the kids with Santa."

(Betty wakes up; suddenly, Drew can't open the door.)

Drew: "Oh, no. It's stuck!"

Betty: "Stuck? Coming through!"

(She and Howard struggle to push the door open but can't.)

Drew: "I knew it was too good to be true. What'd you forget this time? Doors that unlock?"

Stu: "It's not the doors. I checked them this morning."

Didi: (looks out the window) "Oh, my! Look at the snow! It's got to be six feet deep!"

(The results from the nonstop blizzard have blocked the door halfway up to the windows.)

Drew: "I can't believe it! We're snowed in on Christmas Eve thanks to your stupid snow machine!"

Stu: "It's not stupid. It's just... malfunctioning."

(Back at the bench...)

Angelica: "What are you looking at? You think I'm happy that I'm not getting any presents this year?"

Tommy: "But you already got some present, Angelica."

Angelica: "This?! This dumb reindeer isn't a real present! Santa was supposed to give me good toys--things that are made out of plastic, and light up, and that you can ride on, and stuff!"

(She puts the reindeer on the bench, which squeaks weakly.)

Angelica: "Now, none of us are going to get nothing for Christmas!"

(Tommy is hurt; Angelica leaves.)

Chuckie: "Uh, Tommy, how about if I give Dil my blocks and tell him they're from Santa? Just ask him not to get them too dirty and stack them just right."

Tommy: "Thanks, Chuckie, but I don't think it's the same as something from Santa."

Kimi: "You guys? Maybe Santy's present is still in Christmaslands."

Angelica: (overhears) "Oh?"

Chuckie: "What do you mean, Kimi?"

Kimi: "Well when Santy quitted, he didn't take his sleigh, or his big sack of toys, or anything."

Phil: "Nope. Just tooked a goat."

Lil: The goat tooked him, Philip!"

Kimi: "So, that means the presents he was going to give us must still be here!"

Angelica: "Hmm..."

(Angelica gets an idea. She returns to the babies.)

Angelica: "Where there's Santa, there's a North Pole. And where there's a North Pole, there's a workshop full of elves making lots and lots of toys for no one else but you and me!"

(Tommy turns around and sees the big candy-striped pole indicating Santa's workshop.)

Tommy: "Hey, guys! That sure looks like the North Pole to me."

Angelica: (stunned) "Huh?"

Tommy: "Come on, let's go!"

(They were about to go that way when Angelica stops them.)

Angelica: "What you doing, babies?!"

Tommy: "Uh, we're going to Santa's workstops to get our presents."

Angelica: "Great idea, but you're going the wrong way."

Chuckie: "We are?"

Tommy: "Are you sure? 'Cause in my Christmastime pop-up book the North Pole looks just like that."

(They look up toward that pole.)

Angelica: "That? Nooo, it just looks like the North Pole. That's really the potties. If you could read the signs, you'd know."

Chuckie: "Potties? Let's go there first, you guys."

Angelica: "You don't got some time, Fenster! Christmasland will close as soon as Mommy and Daddy come back. If you babies want those presents, you better go that way into those woods! The North Pole's just on the other side. You'll know it when you see it."

Phil: "Okay. If you say so."

Tommy: "Uh, thanks... I think. We'll bring something back for you."

Phil: "Yeah, like witches' brew."

(They all head in the direction Angelica gave them; Dill giggles. Once they're out of sight...)

Angelica: "Shame you're going to be so lost you're going to miss out on the bestest Christmas ever! Come on, Prancie."

(She laughs as she heads to the workshop, just as the train pulls up. The whistle blows, waking Lou.)

Lou: "What?! Oh. Conflab snow is keeping my blutater cup from blutating. Come on, sprouts. Let's go find those folks of yours."

(The babies are not here.)

Lou: "Sprouts?" (sees the cocoa on the bench) "Hmm? Ah, that Lulu -- takes the kids and leaves me cocoa. Now, that's a Christmas angel."

(He toasts; in the pioneer cabin, the adults are trying to break down the door with the pioneer man.)

Lulu: "Again!" (smash.) "Again!"

Stu: "No, not Pa! Hasn't he been through enough in his wretched hardscrabble life on the prairie?!? ...I mean, someone might get hurt."

Betty: "Why don't we just sit quietly and wait for help to arrive?"

Chas: "That could take hours... or days!"

Howard: "We'll definitely run out of oxygen by then!" (pushes the door) "LEMMIE OUTTA HERE!!!!!!"

(Howard falls on the floor.)

Kira: "Get a grip, Howard!"

Charlotte: "This is just terrific. My first Christmas as CEO of the most successful multinational publicly traded cooperation, and I'm being held captive by talking mannequins at Frontier Town."

Didi: "And I'm missing the look on Dil's face when he sees Santa Claus for the very first time."

Drew: "Well, little brother, looks like you've managed to ruin yet another Christmas."

(Stu is downcast until Lulu intervenes.)

Lulu: "Who said Christmas was ruined?! When life gives you lemons, you whip up a meringue. We've got everything we need for a perfectly wonderful Yuletide right here."

Charlotte: "Sure. Nothing but dust, the scent of buffalo manure and a marginally tuned piano. But, hey, let's party."

(In the woods, Chuckie spots something and gasps.)

Chuckie: "You guys, look what I found-- a giant Christmas walnut!"

Phil: "Who's he?"

Chuckie: (looks up and gasps)

(Pan up to reveal a giant animatronic nutcracker with an identical walnut in its mouth. Chuckie steps back with the walnut in hand.)

Tommy: "I don't know, but he doesn't look happy to see us."

(Elsewhere, Angelica is trying to find the workshop.)

Angelica: "Hmm."

(A horse passes by carrying a wagon with passengers aboard; one of the person's hats flies off.)

Angelica: "Watch where you're going! Hey! You dropped..."

(She picks up the hat and puts it on.)

Angelica: "My new hat."

(Elsewhere, an orchestra is performing for a group of spectators; Angelica appears and barges her way through.)

Woman: "Oh... oh!"

(Angelica takes over the choir, causing everyone to leave annoyed.)

<poem>
Angelica: (off-key) ♪ Joy is the world
♪ That I have come
♪ Let earth make me their queen! Yeah!
♪ Let everyone come bring some
♪ Presents and toys for me!
♪ Presents and toys for me!
♪ Zillions of presents and toys for me!!!

(She realizes everyone is gone.)

Angelica: "Let's go, Prancy. Even our dumb babies are a better applaudience then these peoples."

(Cut back to the nutcracker show; the babies are hiding from the giant nutcracker.)

Tommy: "Don't get too close, you guys."

(Chuckie unknowingly backs into a switch; his butt moves it, activating the nutcracker as it begins to move and march right up to them.)

[ clanking and whirring]

Kimi: "Chuckie, I think he wants your walnut."

Chuckie: "But this is my Christmas walnut!"

Tommy: "Uh, maybe he just wants to play with us."

(Or not! From the babies' imagination, the nutcracker appears as a real nutcracker swinging his sword at them, as "March of the Toy Soldiers" plays. The babies scream and run for the hills. Chuckie comes face-to-face with the Mouse King, who is also an animatronic in reality.)

Chuckie: "Nice Mousie King... Nice Mousie King... Please don't hurt us."

(They turn and gasp; they see what appears to be the Mouse King's minions running out from behind the trees. Tommy and Chuckie cover their eyes and cower; a pull-back shows the animatronic nutcracker show and what it really looks like.)

Kimi: "Let's fight them, Tommy!" (she charges into the battle)

Chuckie: "Kimi, no!"

(Dil's chair slides down; he giggles.)

Tommy: "I'll get you, Dilly!"

(Tommy hurries to chase Dil; suddenly, a cardboard ballerina slides into view; she appears as a real ballerina in the babies' imagination as she dances to "Dance of the Sugarplum Fairy". Phil and Lil approach her.)

Lil: "Hello there, ballet girl. Me and Philip was wondering if we could have your shoes for Christmas?"

Phil: "I'm thinking that's a 'yes.'

(They grab the ballerina's shoes, with Lil getting the one on the ground and Phil getting the one on the extended foot; the ballerina spins.)

Lil: "Thank you, ballet girl."

(Cut back to the nutcracker fight. Kimi is fighting one of the Mouse King's minions.)

Kimi: "Take that, cheesy breath! And that!"

Chuckie: "Kimmer, you gots to play with things your own size!"

(He charges at her, but the minion animatronic tumbles over and his butt gets caught on the Mouse King's sword. Chuckie shrieks as he swings around, but his foot kicks the Mouse King's neck, causing a bell to fall of its bowtie and Kimi catches it.)

Kimi: "A jingly bell!"

Chuckie: "Kimi! Tommy! Help!"

Kimi: Hang on, Chuckie!"

(Cut to the ballerina; Phil is still dangling from her leg and Lil can't get the shoe off the standing foot.)

Lil: "My shoe's stuck!"

(The shoe on the leg comes loose, Phil falls off with it.)

Phil: "And, um... That's okay. We can share this one. I gets to wear it first."

(Lil pulls the ribbon off the bottom shoe.)

Lil: "Never mind, I gots the ribbie!"

Chuckie: "Help! Somebody gets me down from heres!"

(Meanwhile, Lou is trying to find the kids.)

Lou: "Oh. How come all the good stuffs happens when we're not looking?"

(Some of the visitors are complaining; Hermie tries to calm them.)

Hermie: "People, I need you to stay behind the green candy canes. I assure you that Mega Corp is doing everything within its power to locate Santa Claus."

Lou: "Are you saying ol' Kris Kringle's gone AWOL?"

Hermie: "We're hoping it's not that serious. Now, unless you know where I might find Mr. Kringle would you please step behind the green candy canes and keep the walkway clear?"

Lou: "Elf, you're looking at a man who has connections to the North Pole if you catch my snowdrift."

Hermie: "Are you good with kids?"

Lou: "Dare you to find someone better."

Hermie: "Ooh."

(Cut back to the nutcracker fight. Dil is still sliding out of control and holding onto the Mouse King's tail. Chuckie's snowsuit starts to rip from where he is caught in the sword. He drops his walnut and shrieks; Chuckie falls.)

Kimi: "I'll get it, Chuckie!"

Tommy: "Phil, I need your help!"

Phil: "Here, hold my shoe."

(Dil screams as Phil goes to stop his chair from sliding.)

Kimi: "Don't look down, Chuckie!"

Chuckie: "Kind of hard not to when you're not upside up."

(Chuckie falls; his snowsuit is torn at the butt.)

Dil: "Chuck-bee?"

(Chuckie notices his ripped snowsuit.)

Chuckie: "Huh? Oh, my slowsuit is wrecked."

Tommy: "Uh, you guys...?"

Phil: "It's not wrecked that bad."

Chuckie: "Then how come I feel wind back there?"

Tommy: "Guys...!?"

Phil: "I never knew you had Reptar undies, Chuckie."

Chuckie: "Stop looking at my undies, Phil!"

(The Mouse King and his minions begin firing cannons.)

Tommy: "Guys, I think all these other pirate mousies is mad at us! Really mad!"

Chuckie: "Let's get out of here!!"

(The cannons continue to fire as the babies run for it; stop at what appears to be a steep cliff. One last cannon comes falling down at them.)

Chuckie: "No!!!"

(It gets caught in the nutcracker's mouth; the nutcracker looks back at them and winks. Chuckie sighs.)

Kimi: "Hop on, everybody!"

Tommy: "Kimi, we can't all fit on that thing."

Phil: "Oh, yeah, we can! Out of my way!"

(They all get on Dil's chair.)

Kimi: "Got to go!"

Tommy: "Hurry, hurry, hurry!"

(They slide safely out of the nutcracker show. Elsewhere, more carolers are performing as visitors are taking some cookies from a basket they are holding out.)

Carolers: ♪ The holly and the ivy
♪ When they are both full grown
♪ Of all the trees that are in the wood ♪
♪ The holly bears the crown.

(During the above, Angelica scoops out all the cookies so there is none left for the others. She walks away, eating them. Meanwhile, Dil's chair is sliding all over the place. Angelica is still scavenging Christmasland.)

Angelica: "Prancy, we are so close to that workshop I can taste it."

(The chair slides through the city Angelica is in; visitors back up. Angelica notices.)

Visitor: "Whoa!!"

(The chair bumps into Angelica, causing the hat on her head to fly off and lands on Dil's head as they slide away.)

Angelica: "Hey, give me back my hat!"

Chuckie: "Sorry, Angelica. We're kind of in a hurry! We got stuff to do!"

Lil: "Look at my new ribbie!"

Angelica: "Where do you snowball brains think you're going?! You're supposed to be looking in those woods!"

(She continues down the path to Santa's.)

Chuckie: "Why's Angelica going to the potties?"

Tommy: "Maybe she just woked up. My grandpa always uses the potty after his nap."

Kimi: "Look what else just woked up, Tommy!"

(A snowman is right in their path; the chair crashes right into it, finally ending the nonstop slide. They pop out of the snow.)

Lil: "I don't see nothing that looks like Santa's house here."

Chuckie: "Me neeber."

(Dil eats some of the snow.)

Tommy: "But Angelica said it was through these woods."

Chuckie: "Angelica says lots of things that isn't true."

Kimi: "I smell something."

Phil: "Sure, you eats one piece of fruitcake."

Kimi: "Uh, Phil... there's a goat smelling your butt."

(Behind them is the goat from the petting zoo that Santa passed earlier. Phil screams; the goat baas sadly.)

Phil: "He must want the gingy breads!"

Tommy: "He looks losted."

Phil: "We needs to bring him to his house so he can have Christmas with his mommy and daddy goats."

Tommy: "Gee, Lil, I want him to have a good goat Christmas, too but we gots to keep looking for Santa's presents before Christmasland closes."

Lil: "What if he's Santa's goat?"

Phil: "Santa has reindeer, Lillian, not goats!"

Lil: "Maybe he gots goats, too, Philip!"

Tommy: "Lil might be right. Let's take him with us, and maybe he'll help us find Santa's workstops.

Kimi: "I bet you Angelica is going to be sorry she missed this."

Phil: "I don't think Angelica is ever sorry."

(They start leading the goat away. Elsewhere, Angelica finds the building representing Santa's workshop.)

Angelica: "Hey!"

(She goes up to the window and peers inside; several animatronic cardboard elves are making pretend presents. She sees a pile of presents in another window.)

Angelica: "Ooh, look at all this good stuff!"

(She tries to open the door, only for it to be jammed tight.)

Angelica: "Great. It's stucked! Aah, I hope the toys work better than these doors. Hey, elves! My reindeer and me wants some presents! Let us in!"

(The elves don't respond; Angelica puts Prancy in her pocket and makes a runner to break the door down, screaming as she charges; she successfully breaks down the door and entered in as Prancy slides across the floor. She sits up and groans, and finds herself inside the workshop looking around at the various elves at work.)

Elf: "Hey, what's up with that kid?"

[She was then called by one particular elf with great importance to his work.]

Hermie: "Little girl! Santa is not going to be pleased when he sees what you did to his door!"

Angelica: "What, it was like that!"

[She was barred from going any further.]

Hermie: "May I ask what you're doing here?"

Angelica: "Um, I'm just getting the presents that Santa was supposed to get me before he quit."

Hermie: "And how do you know you were getting any presents, pray tell?"

Angelica: "I know 'cause I was really good all year. And if it wasn't for those dumb babies, I would have been even nicer."

[Hermie looked very suspicious as he went over to his desk and got out The Book of Good Children.]

Hermie: "Is that so? Well, let's just see if you are on the list then. Name?"

Angelica: "Angelica Pickles." (The book opened with a lot of dust poofing out as Hermie began looking through the pages.) "Ick!"

Hermie: "Pickles, Pickles, Pickles... Ah-ha! 'Tommy Pickles'. 'Dil Pickles'... Just as I thought! There's no 'Angelica Pickles' on this list." 

[He closed the book and put it away, with Angelica becoming very annoyed.]

Angelica: "WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M NOT ON THE LIST?!! I've been walking around all night looking for this place, and I'm not leaving here till I get my Christmas presents!"

Hermie: "Well, maybe you should have thought about that before you took those extra cookies, or scared those Christmas carolers away... or lied to your friends."

[Angelica then became suspicious.]

Angelica: "Hey... I thought only Santa was s'posed to know if I was bad or good?"

[Hermie picked up the letters.]

Hermie: "Santa delegates."

Angelica: "What's that mean?"

Hermie: "It means I'm overworked and underpaid! Now, if you'll excuse us, we have to get back to work! Better luck next year."

Angelica: "But what about my presents?"

Hermie: "You'll have to take that up with my supervisor."

[He pointed her to the portrait of Santa.]

Angelica: "But I already talked to him, and all he did was give me this dumb old reindeer."

[She looked at her pockets only to find Prancy wasn't there. But then she was confronted by a real reindeer with a resemblance that Angelica recognized.]

Angelica: "Prancy? Prancy, you're alive!"

[Prancy walked sadly away from her.]

Prancy: "I thought we were friends."

Angelica: "We are."

Prancy: "Then why'd you call me dumb?"

Angelica: "I dunno, I call a lot of things dumb. It's not like I mean it or anything."

[Hermie then began to escort Prancy away from Angelica.]

Hermie: "Come, Prancy. I'll bring you back to Santa."

[Angelica now felt very grieved.]

Angelica: "Prancy, no! I'm sorry I called you dumb, come back!"

[Hermie then turned and reflected her with a question.]

Hermie: "Why'd you tell Tommy that if Dil didn't get any presents this Christmas, he never would get another Christmas the rest of his life, huh?"

Angelica: "I had to say something. He was being a goody two-shoes."

[Hermie then began ascending the stairs.]

Hermie: "I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, Angelica. but there's no place in Christmasland for kids like you."

Angelica: "But I wanna be in Christmas Land."

[Hermie and Prancy then began to sing.]

Hermie: ♪ As Christmas elves, we have no time
♪ For children who aren't nice
♪ We give the good kids lots of toys
♪ And give the bad ones lice
♪ But if you want to change all that
♪ Then this you should obey,
♪ Just treat each day like Christmas
♪ And your world's a holiday.

Prancy: ♪ Santa asks us every year
♪ To fly on Christmas Eve
♪ He asks my brother Rudolph,
♪ But forgets my brother Steve
♪ 'Cause Steve's the kind of reindeer
♪ That will always make a fuss
♪ He's never very cheery
♪ And he's mean to all of us.

Both: ♪ Christmas isn't Christmas
♪ If you have no friends to share
♪ The joys and cheer throughout the year
♪ With happiness to spare
♪ So if you want a life of fun,
♪ Then lose those bossy ways
♪ And treat each day like Christmas
♪ So your world's a holiday

(Hermie gives Angelica a new hat in the elves' likeness; she dances and sings with them.)

♪ Treat each day like Christmas and your world's... a... hol...i...day!!!!! ♪

(The elves cheer.)

Angelica: "Thanks, Mr. Elf! I promise I'll be... good?"

(She finds herself back in the artifical workshop with mechanical elves and Prancy a toy again, implying the past events took place in her imagination. However, she still has the hat Hermie gave her. She finds Prancy and snuggles him warmly.)

(Cut back to the pioneer cabin. Chas is popping corn over a fire in the fireplace.)

Chas: "Almost ready. Gee, I can't remember the last time I made popcorn without using the microwave."

(Charlotte is stringing some of the popcorn at the table.)

Charlotte: "Well, I can't remember the last time I used a needle and thread. But I have to admit it has a certain antiquated charm."

(Didi and Howard are making a cake.)

Didi: "Howard, are you sure this cake batter isn't too runny?"

Howard: "Oh, no. Runny's good. That's the secret of open-hearth baking."

Didi: "You really know your way around a kitchen."

Betty: "He was born for an apron, Deed, no matter what century."

(Stu is trying to fold some paper.)

Kira: "No, no, Stu. You fold this down and fold this part up. See?

Stu: "I may be proficient in multiple-platform interface but I'm just not good at folding. See?"

(He made a paper angel.)

Lulu: "It's magnificent, Stuart!"

Stu: "Really?"

Lulu: "This angel is going right to the top of our tree."

(She puts it atop the tree in the cabin; Kira lights some candles on the branches.)

Lulu: "It's beautiful."

Kira: "Yep, nothing like a little fire hazard to make a real old-fashioned Christmas."

Lulu: "And there's nothing like an old-fashioned Christmas to show you just what you've been missing."

Didi: "I think you're right, Lulu. If this night has taught us anything, it's that we should learn to take time to appreciate the simpler things in life: family, friends..."

Stu: FIRE!!!!!

(The candles are catching the tree on fire; the adults scream as Chas grabs a fire extinguisher and puts it out.)

(In Santa's chair, Lou is playing Santa and attaining to a crying boy.)

Lou: "That's okay, little fellow. Not the first time Santa's lap got a little wet." (the boy stops crying) "Now, tell old Claus what you want for Christmas, 'sides some rubber underpants."

(Hermie passes by with a walkie-talkie.)

Hermie: "Copy that one more time."

Agent: Six babies have been spotted riding a goat headed towards Bethlehem. Over."

Hermie: "Excuse me, Santa, I have to go wrangle a goat."

Lou: "Tell you what -- just leave that to old Santy Claus. Elf, meet Jimmy."

Hermie: "But, Santa, Jimmy's damp!"

Lou: "Mush! Yahoo!"

(Lou takes off in a sleigh ride. Meanwhile, the goat leads the babies across the train tracks to the Bethlehem stable, and it returns to the petting zoo outside.)

Tommy: "This doesn't look like any picture of the North Pole that I ever seed."

Kimi: "Maybe there's a hippoplatamus here that we can take home."

(Lil is already in the stable.)

Lil: You guys, hurry!

(The other babies rush up to her; reveals the Baby Jesus figure inside his straw bed.)

Tommy: "Oh... a baby."

Kimi: "He looks kind of cold in that diapie."

Chuckie: "Why are all these peoples watching him?"

Phil: "Maybe he just spit up."

Tommy: "Or maybe they're hoping he gets a special first Christmas, too."

Lil: "Too bad Santa quitted."

Chuckie: "You mean, this baby won't gets no more Christmases neither?"

Tommy: "I don't think so, Chuckie."

Lil: (pats the baby's head) "Poor baby, gots to sleep in itchy hay. I sorry Santa isn't going to bring you prezzies. ...But, you can have my ribbie."

(She lays her ribbon over the baby like a blanket.)

Phil: "And my shoe." (puts the shoe on the baby's foot)

Kimi: "And my jingly." (lays the bell aside the baby's head)

Chuckie: "Okay, you can have my giant Christmas walnut, too." (lays it aside him)

Dil: (waving the hat) "Tommy!"

Tommy: "I think Dil wants you to have his hat."

(He puts the hat on the baby's head. Suddenly...)

Kimi: "He's smiling! He must like his stuff!"

Phil: Or he saw the hole in Chuckie's slowsuit." (giggles)

Lil: "Look, the grownups is happy, too!"

Chuckie: "Maybe you'll get more Christmases after alls."

(Outside, the sleigh with Lou pulls up at the stable.)

Lou: "You rascals! All this time I thought you were with your grandma."

(They hug him.)

Lou: "Hmm, we're a half-pint short. Come on, let's go find Angelica and then track down those folks of yours."

(Cut back to the pioneer cabin. Lulu is playing the piano, the others are dressed up in pioneer costumes. Kira shows Chaz how to origami while everybody sings.)

<poem>
Lulu: ♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly
All adults: ♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la, la
Lulu, Betty, Didi and Stu: ♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly
All adults: ♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la, la

(Outside, Lou's is riding the sleigh when he hears the adults singing.)

All adults: ♪ Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la, la, la... ♪

Lou: "Bingo! I'd recognize that pianny playing anywhere." (stops the sleigh) "Sprouts, your grandpa has a little Christmas mission on his hands. But I promise we'll be home before you know it."

(Lou leaves to go dig up the snow.)

Tommy: "Oh, no, we'll never find Santa's presents now! I'm sorry. This wasn't a very good first Christmas, Dilly."

Lil: "Poor Dil."

Chuckie: "Guys, don't you think we had a pretty good time here at Christmasland anyways?"

Tommy: "What do you mean, Chuckie?"

Chuckie: "Well, I was just thinking even though we didn't get any presents, we kind of had fun doing stuff together. Us and Dil."

Lil: "Kind of."

Phil: "Yeah."

Kimi: "I s'pose."

Tommy: "So maybe that's what makes a Christmas special. That's not the way Angelica said it worked."

(Angelica's laughter is heard; she arrives with a sack of toys she got from the workshop.)

Angelica: "Merry Christmas, babies!"

Lil: (gasps) "You founded Santa's workstop?"

Angelica: "Of course. Would I let you babies down?"

Tommy: "Well..."

Angelica: "Never mind. It's different this Christmas. I'm practically an elf now. And I think you babies are going to like what I gots for you."

(At the cabin, Lou is using a shovel to dig away the snow; the adults keep singing inside.)

Adults: ♪ Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la, la, la ♪
♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly... ♪

(Cut back to the sleigh; Angelica passes out the gifts.)

Angelica: "I bet you guys could use these. And, no, Tommy, it's not hair."

(The first one to open a present is Chuckie. It's...)

Chuckie: "A new slowsuit! How does Santa know my heinie was getting cold?"

Angelica: "He knows everything, Chuckie."

(Next is Kimi's...)

Kimi: "A globenspiel!" (tests it) "Thank you, Angelica!"

Angelica: "Don't thank me, thank Santa. I'm just a delivery elf."

(Now Phil opens his gift, new boots.)

Phil: "Wow, I'm wearing these shoesies forever even if my feets grow."

(He tries to fit them over his current ones. Lil's gift is...)

Lil: "Oh... a magic princess wand! Thank you, Santa!"

Angelica: "Well?"

Tommy: "I'll wait till Dilly opens his."

Angelica: "Dil?"

(She looks inside the sack, but there are no presents left.)

Angelica: "Uh-oh..." (to Tommy) "Oh, yeah, Dil. Hmm. Well... I got something extra-special for Dil."

(She looks at Prancy in her hand.)

Angelica: "I'm going to miss you, Prancy, but now Drooly and you can have fun together." [ sniffles] "And I'll come visit you, I promise."

(She presents Prancie to Dil.)

Angelica: "There you go, Dil. His name's Prancy."

(Dil takes Prancy and giggles happily.)

Angelica: "Merry Christmas. He listens real good for you... if you ever learn to talk."

(Dil continues playing with Prancie. Tommy's present is the last one.)

Angelica: "Well, you going to open it?"

Tommy: "But I already gots my present, Angelica. All's I wanted was for Dilly to have a special first Christmas, and now you don't gots a present, so you can have this one."

Angelica: "Open it, Pickles! What are you waiting for, Easter?!

(Tommy opens the gift; it's...)

Tommy: "A cambra!"

Lil: "Oh! Take our picture, Tommy!"

Tommy: "Okay, everybody, say 'Peas'!"

Others: "Peas!!!"

(Tommy takes the picture. Meanwhile, Lou finishes digging all the way to the cabin doors.)

Lou: "Woo-hoo, I hit something solid and it wasn't my foot this time. Come on, sprouts!"

(They all get off the sleigh. Inside, the adults are still singing.)

Lulu: ♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪
All adults: ♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la, la... ♪

(The door opens, and Lou enters with the babies.)

Lulu: "Lou Pickles! My hunk of a Christmas hero!"

(Everybody reunites with their children.)

Didi: "Dil, Tommy! Sweetheart!"

(Betty kisses Lil, who giggles in reply.)

Angelica: "Mommy, Daddy, I had the bestest Christmas Eve ever!"

Drew: "Princess."

Charlotte: "Well, the party's over in 15 minutes. No sense in going out there to schmooze now. Especially wearing this."

Stu: "I'm really sorry, Charlotte."

Charlotte: "Are you kidding? Thanks to your snow machine, I don't have to face those phonies and make office small talk."

Betty: "Angelica's right. This just might be the best Christmas Eve ever."

Chas: "I second that."

Kira: "Me, too."

Charlotte: "Wonderful!"

Didi: "Oh, Stu, I'm so glad you malfunctioned."

(Stu chuckles to himself; Lulu begins another Christmas carol with Lou aside.)

<poem> Lou and Lulu: ♪ Good tidings we bring to you and your kin ♪ ♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪ And a happy new year ♪ We wish you a merry Christmas, ♪ We wish you a merry Christmas, ♪ We wish you a merry Christmas, ♪ And a happy new year.

(Zoom out of the cabin to the exterior of Mega Corp and pans up to the night sky; the real Santa Claus flies in his sleigh, dropping presents.)

Santa: Ho, ho, ho!

(The end.)

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