Aunt Miriam/Transcript

Aunt Miriam	Gallery	Transcript

[The episode begins with a giant ant attacking the city as various tanks shoot at it and various people scream.]

General: "But how could it have happened, Professor?"

[The Ant stomps on a car, destroying it.]

General: "How could a regular house ant grow to such an incredible size?"

Professor: "That's no regular house ant, General. That ant is from outer space, and if we don't do something, it could destroy the entire world!"

[A plane flies past the Ant, which stomps on one of the tanks, destroying it. The events are revealed to be a movie Tommy and Chuckie are watching. Tommy gasps and Chuckie trembles in fear. Stu then mutes the TV, as a sign that says, MUTE appears on it, and the sound turns off.]

Stu: "What a dog!"

[The camera moves up to Stu. Tommy and Chuckie look at each other, then at Spike, who is sleeping. The doorbell rings, and it wakes up Spike, who whimpers. Stu walks up to the front door and opens it. A Delivery Boy is on the other side, holding a telegram.]

Delivery Boy: "Telegram for Mr. and Mrs. Stuart Pickles."

Stu: "Oh, boy! Is it a singing telegram?"

Delivery Boy: "No, sir, just a regular, ordinary, everyday telegram."

Stu: "Gee, I never got a telegram before. Do you think you could, uh..."

[As Stu talks to the Delivery Boy, the camera moves down to Tommy and Chuckie as they walk in.]

Stu: "I know this is silly, but, do you think you could sing it for me anyway?"

Delivery Boy: "No problem, sir. Believe it or not, I get a lot of this."

[Lou and Didi walk in.]

Delivery Boy: "Ahem."

[The Delivery Boy pulls a horn out of his pocket and blows into it.]

Delivery Boy [singing]: "Dear Stu and Didi, Stop! I'm coming to visit this weekend, Stop!" (as he dances) "Looking forward to seeing you, Stop! Especially Baby Tommy, Stop! Love, Aunt Miriaaaam!"

[Didi chuckles. The Delivery boy holds out his hand, expecting a tip, but gasps when Stu closes the door on him.]

Didi: "Aunt Miriam? Oh, I haven't seen her since our wedding! She is such a sweet woman!"

Lou: "Sweet? Ha! That woman's been the bane of my existence for 76 years!"

[Tommy and Chuckie look at each other in concern.]

Didi: "Pop!"

Lou: "Well, it's true!" (as he walks up the stairs) "And I'll be hog-tied if I'll spend two minutes, let alone two days in her company!"

[The camera moves over to Stu, who follows him up the stairs.]

Stu: "Pop! Wait!"

[Tommy and Chuckie walk into the living room.]

Chuckie: "Gee, Tommy, why is your Grandpa so mad?"

Tommy: "I don't know, Chuckie, but it's got something to do with a ant!"

[Tommy and Chuckie look over at the movie of the giant ant playing on TV, which has somehow become unmuted, as the sounds of gunfire can be heard.]

Chuckie: "You don't think..."

Tommy: "I hope not, Chuckie! I really hope not!"

[Didi hums as she dusts a picture frame. Tommy and Chuckie peer from behind a corner, and as soon as Didi walks away, they crawl behind a potted plant. Lou is now dressed in his coat and is holding suitcases as he walks down the stairs. Stu is following behind him.]

Stu: "Aw, come on, Pop!"

Lou: "If that woman's movin' in, I'm movin' out! I'll just get a room at the Motel Sticks out by the interstate!"

[Lou walks towards the front door, and Stu follows behind him.]

Stu: "Pop, that place is a dump!"

Lou: "Well, they've got cable, and they don't have Aunt Mim!"

[Didi walks up to Lou and puts her hands on his shoulders. She then pushes him towards the stairs.]

Didi: "Well, I never heard of anything so ridiculous! Pop, you're staying, and that's all there is to it! Go on; up, up, up!"

[Tommy and Chuckie watch from behind the potted plant as Lou walks angrily up the stairs.]

Lou: "You can't do this to me, I'm a grown man!"

Didi: "And you might as well put your suitcases in Tommy's room; we're letting Aunt Miriam stay in yours!"

[Stu and Didi walk up the stairs as Lou angrily turns to face them.]

Lou: "In my room?!"

[Tommy and Chuckie watch at the bottom of the stairs.]

Chuckie: "This ant must be really scary!"

Tommy: "Yeah, I've never seen Grandpa act like this before!"

[Chuckie sits on the bottom stair and puts his hands over his glasses.]

Chuckie: "What are we gonna do, Tommy? What are we gonna do?"

Tommy: "Don't worry, Chuckie, maybe it won't be so bad."

[Chuckie and Tommy look at and hold each other in concern. The screen transitions to the next scene, where Miriam is driving her car down the road. She constantly changes lanes, and when she drives past an Elderly couple's house, she knocks over their trash cans. The Elderly couple see this and gasp in shock. Just then, a dog carrying a bone in its mouth walks onto the sidewalk. When it sees Miriam drive past him, he drops his bone, squeals in fear and runs away. Tommy and Chuckie look out the window, gasp, and run away as Miriam parks her car in the front yard. Didi walks up to the front door.]

Didi: "That must be her!"

[Tommy and Chuckie run after Didi, who opens the front door as Stu walks towards it. They walk out together, and Tommy and Chuckie watch as they walk out, then look at each other.]

Tommy and Chuckie: "The ant!"

[Outside, Stu grunts as he pulls on the handle to the door of Miriam's car. He eventually opens the door.]

Stu: "Aunt Miriam, are you all right?"

Miriam: "Well, yes and no. Had a hip replaced last summer," (as she gets out of her car) "But I still can't find a doctor who'll do anything about my lumbago!"

[Stu and Didi look nervously at Miriam.]

Miriam: "Why, Stu! Is that you? Let me take a look at you! Never did fill out, did you, Stu? Are you feeding him, Dolly?"

Didi: "I-It's Didi, actually."

[Miriam walks up to Didi.]

Miriam: "Looks like you're eating all right."

Didi: "Oh!"

[Miriam walks up to Stu and pushes him along.]

Miriam: "Come on, Stu, let's go see that kid of yours!"

[Tommy looks out the front door, then turns to face Chuckie.]

Tommy: "That must be the ant!"

[Tommy and Chuckie walk away.]

Chuckie: "But Tommy, she doesn't look like a ant! She looks like a person!"

Tommy: "Maybe she's from outer space like that ant on TV!"

[Miriam's shadow casts over Tommy and Chuckie, as Miriam, Stu, and Didi are all now inside.]

Miriam: "Great Maginty! You got two of em'!"

[Miriam reaches down to pick Tommy and Chuckie up.]

Tommy and Chuckie: "Yaaaah!"

[Tommy and Chuckie run away.]

Didi: "Oh! Uh, Tommy's usually so good with strangers!"

[Lou is now sitting in a chair as Stu helps Miriam remove her coat.]

Lou: "Strangers is one thing. Family is what you gotta watch out for!"

[Miriam walks up to Lou.]

Miriam: "Louis, is that you?"

[Lou gets out of the chair and walks up to Miriam.]

Lou: "It ain't the Pope!"

Miriam: "Oh, Louis, you're a sight for sore eyes!"

[Lou grunts as Miriam hugs him. Tommy and Chuckie peer out the kitchen doorway and visualize Aunt Miriam as a giant ant as she walks towards Lou, who backs away from her. Tommy gasps as he sees this.]

Miriam: "My favorite cousin! When we were kids, we were thick as thieves!"

Lou: "As I recall it, the only thief around was you, Mim! Stealing all my toys!"

[Tommy and Chuckie gasp, and Didi walks up to them.]

Miriam: "Stealing your toys? Oh, Louis, you're a card!"

[The camera moves over to Didi, who reaches down to Tommy and Chuckie.]

Didi: "Come on, kids! Time to meet your Aunt Miriam!"

[Didi pushes Tommy and Chuckie towards Miriam, who walks up to them.]

Miriam: "Oh, Sally!"

[Tommy and Chuckie gulp nervously, and Didi chuckles nervously.]

Didi: "It's Didi."

[The camera moves down to Chuckie as Miriam picks him up.]

Miriam: "He's just adorable! Oh!"

[Chuckie grumbles as Miriam kisses him repeatedly.]

Miriam: "He's just the cutest thing I ever seen! That red hair, those freckles, oh, those adorable buck teeth!"

Didi: "Well, he's not ours, actually. His name is Chuckie, he's visiting." (As she picks up Tommy) "This is Tommy!"

[Miriam hands Chuckie to Stu and walks up to Tommy.]

Miriam: "Oh, Tommy! Oh! Why, he's the spitting image of you as a baby, Louis! And you too, Stu!" (whispering to Didi) "I'm afraid it's the Pickles women who get the looks, Kelly."

[Didi chuckles nervously, then stares angrily at Miriam as she walks away.]

Didi: "It's Didi!"

[Stu puts down Chuckie, who walks up to Didi.]

Didi: "Come on, kids! It's time for you to go into your playpen!"

Stu: "Hey, Aunt Miriam, I'll show you to your room!"

[Stu and Miriam walk away.]

Miriam: "Thanks, Stuie! This is awful nice of you! I hope I'm not putting anyone out!"

[Lou walks angrily up to Stu.]

Lou: "Huh!"

[The screen transitions to the next scene, where Tommy and Chuckie are in the playpen. Tommy is playing with his ball, and Chuckie is playing with a toy car.]

Tommy: "Boy, Chuckie, that ant sure is scary! She smells funny, and she's got blue hair!"

Chuckie: "And when she kisses you... ugh!"

[Tommy falls over.]

Tommy: "No wonder Grandpa doesn't like her!"

[Chuckie walks up to Tommy and takes his ball from him.]

Chuckie: "But your Mommy and Daddy like her! Maybe she's nice!"

Tommy: "Maybe, Chuckie, but there's only one way to find out for sure!"

[Chuckie tosses Tommy's ball into the air in fear.]

Chuckie: "Oh, no! Here it comes!"

Tommy: "We gotta go up in her room, look at her stuff, and find out if she's a bad ant from outer space!"

Chuckie: "But, Tommy..."

[Tommy walks up to his stacking rings.]

Tommy: "It's the only way, Chuckie!"

[Tommy tosses his stacking rings into the air, revealing his screwdriver underneath. He picks it up and walks away. In the kitchen, Miriam and Didi are preparing dinner. Tommy and Chuckie watch as Miriam opens the cabinet and Didi carries a bowl, which she is stirring.]

Miriam: "I hate to butt into your life, Ginny, but when are you gonna give up this teaching nonsense and become a full-time mother?"

[Didi opens the fridge and picks up a bowl of mashed potatoes. She then stares angrily at Miriam.]

Didi: "It's Didi."

[Miriam sniffs the mashed potatoes as Didi closes the refrigerator door and walks away.]

Miriam: "And shouldn't you put a little more garlic in those potatoes?"

[Tommy and Chuckie crawl away. They crawl past Lou, who is in the chair, talking to Stu about Miriam.]

Lou: "Another time, she took my favorite ball, and threw it over the fence into the next yard! She's a monster, I tell you, a monster!"

Stu: "Aw, now, Pop!"

Lou: "She is!"

[Tommy and Chuckie crawl towards the stairs.]

Tommy: "We're almost there, Chuckie! All we gotta do is get to the top of the stairs!"

[Just then, the doorbell rings. Tommy and Chuckie turn to face the front door and gasp. Stu walks up to the front door.]

Stu: "I'll get it!"

[As Stu walks up to the front door, he looks at the mirror and sees Tommy and Chuckie on the stairs.]

Stu: "Hey-ey! What are you kids doing here?"

[Stu opens the front door, and Drew and Angelica are revealed to be on the other side.]

Stu: "Hi, big bro! Hi, Angelica!"

[Stu waves at Angelica, who is revealed to be holding a boquet of flowers.]

Angelica: "Hello, Uncle Stu! I bought these flowers for Aunt Miriam!"

[Tommy and Chuckie look at each other. Angelica walks inside.]

Angelica: "Actually, she's not really just my aunt, she's my great aunt once removed!"

Lou: "That's good news. If she can be removed once..."

[Miriam walks up to Angelica.]

Miriam: "Oh, how thoughtful, Angelica, dear!"

[Miriam grunts as she hugs Angelica.]

Miriam: "Isn't she just the sweetest?"

[Tommy and Chuckie nod their heads, "No" in unison.]

Didi: "Dinner!"

[The screen transitions to the next scene, where Tommy is in his high chair, scooping his mashed potatoes with his spoon, and dumping them onto Spike's nose. Spike licks the mashed potatoes in delight, and Tommy giggles as he feeds more of his mashed potatoes to Spike. Miriam gulps, then picks up some of the roast with two forks.]

Miriam: "Mmmm! Delicious roast! Wish you'd taken my advice on the potatoes, Fifi!"

Didi: "It's Didi."

[Miriam scrapes her mashed potatoes off her plate, as does Angelica.]

Miriam: "Now, what was I saying? Oh, yeah! Louis was always making mischief as a baby! Remember the time you snuck into my room and opened the window above my bed and I got sick? He was such a rascal!"

[Lou tosses his napkin onto the table.]

Lou: "I did no such thing! That was you, Mim! You opened my window and got me sick!"

[Tommy eats his mashed potatoes, then, remembering a similar experience he had with Angelica, looks over at Miriam, who turns to face Didi.]

Miriam: "His memory must be going, it's sad, really. Pickles men have always been a little..."

[Miriam taps her head, then Angelica pulls on her arm.]

Angelica: "Tell us another story about when you and Grandpa were little, Aunt Miriam!"

[Miriam hugs Angelica.]

Miriam: "Oh, isn't she just a dolly? Drew, this child is a wonder! She's so smart and polite and well-behaved!"

[Tommy, realizing this isn't true, gasps. He then looks back and forth at Miriam and Angelica.]

Miriam: "I do believe she reminds me of someone. Oh, I know! She's just like me!"

[Tommy and Lou both stare in shock, the former realizing it's true, but the latter not wanting to believe it. Tommy and Chuckie then look at each other and gulp nervously. The screen transitions to the next scene, which takes place in Tommy's bedroom that night, and the camera moves over to Lou, who is wearing his pajamas and sleeping in a cot and having a nightmare about the time Miriam took his favorite ball and threw it over the fence.]

Lou: "G-give me back my ball, Mim! It's mine! Mine, I tell you!"

[Lou wimpers and waves his hands as tears emit from his eyes. He then falls back asleep as Tommy and Chuckie watch from inside Tommy's crib. Tommy and Chuckie look at each other.]

Tommy: "Ready?"

Chuckie: "No!"

Tommy: "Let's go!"

[Tommy reaches into his diaper and pulls out his screwdriver, which he uses to open the crib. He and Chuckie jump out and run away as Lou continues sleeping. Tommy opens the door and he and Chuckie look down the hallway to Lou's bedroom, where Miriam, who is dressed in her nightgown, is listening to the radio while exercising.]

Man on Radio: "But I've talked to other people with your problem, and I need to know, do you have the power to take control of your own life?"

Miriam: "97, 98, 99, 100! Oh, there! That ought to do it!"

[Miriam looks at her reflection in the mirror.]

Miriam: "Now, where's that bathroom?"

Lady on Radio: "Sorry, but, I just can't solve this problem on my own! I..."

[Miriam shuts off the radio.]

Miriam: "First, get rid of this old thing!"

[Miriam takes off her wig, and looks over at Lou's bowling trophy, which she puts her wig on. She then opens the door and walks out. Tommy and Chuckie walk in and look around. Tommy walks up to the stool near Lou's vanity and climbs onto it.]

Tommy: "She was listening to this!"

[Tommy turns on the radio.]

Man on Radio: "You will take over! Nothing will stop you! Nothing!"

[Tommy gasps and stares in shock upon hearing this.]

Tommy: "Did you hear that? She's getting messages from outer space!"

Chuckie: "Look at this!"

[Chuckie points at Miriam's hair dryer on Lou's bed.]

Tommy: "Looks like a space blaster!

[Chuckie turns around.]

Chuckie: "And Tommy, look at that!"

[Chuckie points at Miriam's wig on Lou's bowling trophy, then runs up to it. Tommy gasps.]

Tommy: "It's..." (gulps) "Her hair!"

[Chuckie runs up to Tommy.]

Chuckie: "But it's not on her head, Tommy! It's not on her head!"

Miriam: "Hey!"

[Tommy and Chuckie gasp as they see Miriam, whose face is covered in facial.]

Miriam: "What are you kids doing here?"

[Tommy and Chuckie scream and run out the doorway in fear. They run past Tommy's bedroom, and Miriam run up to Lou, who is still asleep.]

Miriam: "Lou! Lou! Wake up!"

Lou: "Huh? Wha? Wha? What? What is it, Colonel? Are we under attack?"

Miriam: "Get up, you old fool! The kids are gone!"

Lou: "The kids?!"

[Tommy and Chuckie slide down the stairs and run away. The camera moves up to Lou and Miriam, who are at the top of the stairs.]

Miriam: "I don't understand it, Louis! They took one look at me and ran away! And I'm usually so good with kids!"

Lou: "Yeah, right!"

Miriam: "It's true!"

[As Miriam talks to Lou, they walk down the stairs.]

Miriam: "When we were growing up, you adored me!"

Lou: "Adored you?! Mim, you stole my toys, you got me into trouble, and you were constantly threatening to pound the living daylights out of me! I was plump terrified of you!"

[Miriam frowns upon hearing this. Lou goes into the study and turns on the light.]

Lou: "Not in here!"

[Lou walks away as Miriam walks into the study.]

Miriam: "Louis, I had no idea you felt that way about me! I don't know what to say!"

[Lou looks under the table.]

Lou: "Don't say nothin'! Just help me find the kids!"

[Lou looks behind the TV, behind the curtains, and in a drawer.]

Lou: "Not in here, either!"

[Lou closes the drawer and walks past Miriam.]

Miriam: "You know, Louis, the only reason I did those things to you was... well, I was a little jealous!"

[Lou opens the closet door.]

Lou: "Jealous? Of me?

Miriam: "Sure!"

[As Miriam talks to Lou, Lou looks in the closet, and sees what looks like a blue Tommy and a pink Chuckie, but when he picks them up, they are revealed to be a globe and a feather duster, respectively.]

Miriam: "Remember when you got stuck in that big hole in your mom's garden, and those kids we used to play with, Bill and Jill pulled you out?"

[Lou tosses the globe and feather duster and closes the door. He then turns to face Miriam.]

Lou: "Yeah?"

[Lou walks away.]

Miriam: "Well, nobody would have done that for me. All the other kids liked you!"

[Lou walks into the kitchen and turns on the light. Miriam follows behind him.]

Lou: "But they respected you!"

[As Miriam talks to Lou, Lou looks in the cabinet and the microwave.]

Miriam: "No, they didn't! They were afraid of me! You were the leader! And well, since I was older, I was a bit... jealous."

[Lou looks in the stove, then at Miriam.]

Lou: "Jealous?"

[Lou closes the stove door.]

Lou: "Gee, Mim, I.. I... I never would have known!"

[Lou gasps as Miriam hugs him. He hugs her back. The camera zooms out, revealing Tommy and Chuckie to be watching from under the table.]

Miriam: "Oh, Louis!"

Lou: "You know, Mim, I gotta admit, you always were my favorite cousin!"

Miriam: "Louis, I was your only cousin!"

Lou: "True."

[Lou and Miriam laugh together. Tommy and Chuckie look at each other, then, realizing they don't have to be afraid of Miriam anymore, walk up to her. Lou and Miriam stop laughing and look down.]

Lou: "Hey, look who's here!

[Tommy and Chuckie look up at Miriam and smile.]

Miriam: "Aw, come see your Aunt Miriam!"

[Miriam hugs Tommy and Chuckie and kisses the former on the cheek. The screen transitions to the next scene, where she does the same next morning as Didi carries Tommy in her arms. Stu opens the trunk of Miriam's car and loads her luggage.]

Didi: "Are you sure you can't stay a couple more days, Miriam?"

[As Miriam talks to Didi, she walks up to her car.]

Miriam: "No, no, I put you folks out quite enough!"

[Miriam opens the door to her car as Lou walks up to her.]

Lou: "Nonsense, Mim, I haven't had so much fun in years!"

[Miriam gets in her car and closes the door.]

Miriam: "Goodbye, Louis!" (as she waves to the family) "Goodbye, everybody!"

[Everyone waves goodbye to Miriam as she back her car out of the driveway, knocking over a potted plant in the process. Angelica runs out into the road and waves at Miriam until Drew grabs her by her arm and pulls her back.]

Angelica: "Ugh!"

Lou: "Well, It's always nice to make a new friend, even when you've known em' for 76 years!"

[Lou waves goodbye to Miriam as the camera moves over to Stu.]

Stu: "You know, I'm gonna miss her. She sure is a great aunt, huh, Fifi?"

Didi (angrily): "IT'S DIDIIII!!"

[The camera cuts to an overhead view of the Pickles family and Chuckie, and the screen fades to black, ending the episode.]