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A Very McNulty Birthday Gallery Transcript

[It's raining outside. A raindrop is shown sliding down off a leaf and lands on the ground. A doorbell rings twice. The camera pans up to show Didi and Betty standing on a porch under their umbrellas with Tommy, Chuckie, Phil, Lil, Angelica, and Susie. Chuckie, Angelica and Susie are holding wrapped presents.]

Didi: Goodness! Look at this weather. I hope Timmy's party wasn't supposed to be outdoors. [the door opens]

Betty: Eh! Shame about the rain there, Colleen.

Colleen: Oh, you call this rain? Last year, we had a monsoon. [everyone goes inside] Even the pony got washed away.

Teddy, Todd, Ty, and Terry: [waving] Hi, Angelica!

Angelica: Yeah, yeah. I didn't come to see you babies! Where's the birthday boy?

Timmy: [snatches the present from her hands and shakes it] Yeah! What'cha get me?!

Angelica: Oh, is it your birthday? Well, I hope at least they got goodie bags.

Didi: We'll get the kids settled and help you move the party inside.

[The babies go into Timmy's room.]

Timmy: All right, you squirts! It's my birthday and I wanna play.... caveman!

Tommy: That sounds fun!

Angelica: It sounds okay, [holds up her fist] but nobody better mess up my pigtails!

Timmy: You can't play anyways! Or Susie, or Lil! [Lil gasps]

Susie: What? Why not?!

Timmy: 'Cause you're girls! And girls got cooties! [wiggles his fingers] Now scram!

[Susie, Lil and Angelica angrily leave, and Timmy slams the door shut behind them. Angelica gasps.]

Angelica: Ooh, I'm gonna get that Timmy McNulty! [holds up her fist again] I'm gonna tell his mommy he throwed up so he won't get to eat any birthday cake! Then I'm gonna let the air out of his tricycle tires! Then I'm gonna get a water balloon and squish his....! [sees a box of party stuff] Or maybe I'll just forget about Timmy and have my own party. [takes the box of party stuff]

[Angelica, Susie, and Lil go to Colleen's room. Angelica puts the box on the floor and rummages through it.]

Lil: Do we have to play in here all alone 'cause we gots cooties?

Angelica: Cooties aren't real, ya dumb baby! Cooties is just a pigment of your infatuation. [puts on a party hat]

Susie: Angelica! I don't think we're supposed to play with that stuff!

Angelica: Who said anything about playing with YOU, Susie? We're not here 'cause we're friends, you know. We're here 'cause we're GIRLS!

Susie: Just 'cause Timmy hurted your feelings is no esscuse to take it out on us.

Angelica: Timmy? Who cares about Timmy? He didn't hurt MY feelings. 

Susie: Well, he hurted mine! And I wish there was some way we could teach him a lesson.

Lil: Look! Fingerpaints!

[Lil grabs a jar of paint and opens it, giggling as she puts her finger in the paint and puts it on her nose. Susie takes the jar of paint and gets an idea while Lil puts paint on her cheek as well.]

Susie: Hmm. [chuckles]

[In Timmy's room, the boys are playing cavemen on his bed. The camera pans to Tommy and Chuckie who are playing separately, bonking each other lightly with plastic bats.]

Chuckie: Tommy, what are cooties?

Tommy: I don't know, Chuckie. Uh.... maybe it's something the girls are born with. Like Spike has fleas.

Chuckie: But no one ever tells Spike he can't play with us 'cause of fleas. What if the... the girls are really sick?

Tommy: Well, when I'm sick, my mom or dad always brings me some juice.

Chuckie: Yeah, you're right, Tommy. One of the grownups will probably bring them some.

Tommy: But, Chuckie, the grownups don't know about the cooties or they never would have bringed them to the party! Hmm. I guess that means it's up to us! [gets up and heads to the kitchen]

Chuckie: Oh, why couldn't they just had fleas? [follows Tommy]

[In the kitchen, Betty places a bowl of punch on a table.]

Betty: Oh, yeah! And then we got 10 inches of snow the day of Howard's office picnic. Had to wrap the kids in tinfoil and take shelter in a Quonset hut.

Colleen: Oh, we had 10 inches of LAVA at me folks' anniversary. I told Collin we shouldn't we do an outdoor buffet in Hawaii.

Betty: Hawaii?! Oh, now there's a...

[The camera pans to Tommy and Chuckie standing in the doorway.]

Chuckie: Wow, Tommy! That's the biggest cup of juice I ever saw!

Tommy: Okay, Chuckie. You go over there and do something to make all the grownups look at you while I get some of that juice.

Chuckie: Uh, h-how am I gonna do that?

Tommy: Hmm, uh... [looks around the kitchen and sees the balloons] I know! Just pop one of those balloons.

Chuckie: [gasps] Pop a balloon?! On purpose?!

Tommy: We gotta help the girls, Chuckie, or they'll have cooties forever!

Chuckie: Oh, well, okay.

[Chuckie grabs one of the balloons and tries squeezing it twice, then looks at Tommy who is signaling him to hurry up. Chuckie nods, then straddles the balloon and punches it a few times. Then he bounces on it until it finally pops. Didi gasps and goes over to Chuckie. Chuckie pretends to cry while Tommy takes a cup and fills it with punch. Didi, Betty and Colleen comfort Chuckie while Tommy sneaks out of the kitchen. Chuckie opens one eye and watches him leave.]

Betty: Aw, pumpkin. It's all right, honey.

[Chuckie stops his fake crying and leaves the kitchen. Didi, Betty and Colleen look at each other and shrug. Tommy and Chuckie walk up to Colleen's room.]

Chuckie: Um, Tommy, I was just thinking, if we get too close to the girls, do you think we could get cooties?

Tommy: Maybe we should wear special clothes like the doctors on TV.

[A shot of rain outside, then it cuts to Angelica and Susie.]

Angelica: Looks like a monster to me.

Lil: Let me see! Let me see! [Susie hands a mirror to Lil, who has splotches of paint all over her face, hair, body, and dress. Lil looks at her reflection and smiles] Ooh, neat! I look almost as scary as Reptar!

[Susie and Angelica start putting the paint on their faces while Lil growls at her reflection, then giggles. The door opens and Tommy and Chuckie walk in. Tommy is wearing a visor and Teddy's pajamas, and Chuckie is wearing a visor and Terry's pajamas. They walk up to a lamp on a bedside table, mistaking it for one of the girls because of the visors.]

Tommy: [holding up the cup of punch] Um, we bringed you girls some juice, on account it'll help you get better.

[The girls watch in confusion, with Angelica and Susie now covered in splotches of paint as well.]

Lil: How come they're not a-scared?

Chuckie: [tries looking around] Tommy, I can't see nothing with this hat on!

Tommy: Well, I guess it's okay if we lift up the face part.

[They lift up the visors and turn around, then gasp when they see the girls. The girls growl like monsters and walk towards them with their arms raised. Tommy and Chuckie scream and start running as Lil chases them. A ripping sound is heard and Tommy drops the cup of punch. Tommy and Chuckie run out the door screaming, with Chuckie missing the left leg of his pajamas. Susie closes the door behind them, then laughs with Angelica and Lil.]

Lil: Cooties is fun! [laughs]

[Tommy and Chuckie run into Timmy's room.]

Chuckie: Girls! Chased us! RAWR! [Todd stops playing caveman and looks at him. Chuckie takes a deep breath] BIG GREEN MONSTERS!

Tommy: You was right, Timmy! The girls gots cooties and it's turned 'em into big, green, scary monsters!

[Todd, Terry and Ty gasp in fright. Timmy starts laughing while Teddy fearfully hides behind him.]

Timmy: No! [Teddy stops hiding behind him] I just made up all that stuff on account of girls is icky!

Chuckie: No! No, it's true! It was the horriblest thing! Their faces... all green!

Todd: Hey... [points] look at Finster's leg.

[A close-up of Chuckie's lower half is shown, his exposed leg covered in splotches of paint. Chuckie looks down at his leg and screams.]

Ty: He gots the cooties!

Timmy: [scared] Oh! You gotta get out of here before you give us ALL the cooties!

Tommy: No! He's my friend and we gots to help him!

Chuckie: [sad] No, Tommy, he's right. I-I better go. [walks out of the room]

Tommy: Oh... but, Chuckie! [sadly watches him leave]

[In Colleen's room, the girls are lying on the bed and laughing at the success of their prank.]

Susie: Did you see his face when I "rawred" at him?

Lil: I thought Tommy was gonna pee-pee in his diapie!

[The girls laugh until the door opens. They sit up and look to see who it is.]

Angelica: Hey, what are you doing here?

[The camera cuts to show Chuckie standing in the doorway.]

Chuckie: [holding back tears] Um... the other kids. They don't like me no more!

Susie: [concerned] Why, Chuckie?

Chuckie: A 'cause, I... [shows them the splotches on his leg] I'm turning into a monster just like you, and I got the... cooties too! [rubs his eyes with his fists]

Susie: [gets off the bed] Aw, don't cry, Chuckie.

Lil: [also concerned] Oh... yeah, Chuckie. They was only...

Angelica: [walks over to Chuckie] Well, well, well. Now you're just like us! Well, if you're gonna look like a monster, you gotta ACT like a monster. [makes a face and wiggles her fingers by her head to demonstrate] And you gotta help us scare those stupid boys!

Chuckie: [sniffling] Even Tommy and Phil? But, t-they're my bestest friends!

Angelica: WE'RE your friends now, Chuckie. Right, girls? [puts her arm around Chuckie]

[Susie and Lil stare at her for a second, then look at each other in agreement.]

Susie: Oh right, right!

Lil: Yeah!

Susie: That's right! We are monster friends!

Lil: Mm-hmm! [she and Susie walk over to Chuckie and Angelica]

Chuckie: Well, I guess being a monster isn't so bad... [sniffles again] if you have friends.

[The camera cuts to a shot of the house in the rain and zooms in as Tommy begins talking, then cuts to Timmy's room.]

Tommy: So why do we gots to be mean to anybody who gots cooties? Susie's just a kid, like, like you! [gestures to Timmy, who looks skeptical] And Lil's just a kid, like...

Phil: Like me!

Tommy: And Angelica, um... [struggles to think of what to say about her] Well, Lil and Susie are just like me and you! [looks around at the others] Can't we all just get along?

Timmy: [pretends to think it over] Uh, no.

Tommy: [angry] Well, they're MY friends, and I'm gonna go out there and figure a way to fix their cooties even if I gots to do it by myself!

[Tommy marches out of the room, closes the door, and walks down the hallway. Phil opens the door and goes out into the hallway too, closing the door behind him.]

Phil: Wait, Tommy! [Tommy stops and looks back] I'm going with ya!

Tommy: I always knowed I could count on you, Phil! I mean... [looks down at his hand and tries counting with his fingers] if I could count. [keeps walking]

[Angelica opens Colleen's bedroom door and, seeing the coast is clear, walks into the hallway with Lil and Susie. In Timmy's room, Timmy lightly bonks Teddy's head with his bat, then turns around and lightly bonks Todd's head. The girls open the door and run inside growling like monsters. Timmy drops the bat and stands frozen in shock while the other boys scream and try to run for it. Susie grabs Ty and puts paint on his head and shirt. Teddy stands trapped in a corner as Lil's hand reaches out and puts a splotch of paint on his cheek. Chuckie, now covered in more splotches of paint, blocks the door and roars at Todd as he tries to run past him. Todd screams and runs the other way as Chuckie smiles.]

[The camera cuts to an outdoor shot of the back of the house. Through the large living room window, Betty and Colleen are shown hanging a banner over the couch while Didi looks at the decorations.]

Didi: [gives a satisfied sigh] I think it's going to be a nice party after all!

Betty: Yep. See, Deed, you can't let a little thing like rain scare you. Right, Collie? [the women laugh] Ah, yeah.

[The camera zooms in on a table with the bowl of punch on it. Tommy reaches out from under the tablecloth, grabs a box with a bag of lollipops in it, and pulls it under the table to show Phil.]

Phil: You really think there's some kind of medicine in here that can fix cooties?

Tommy: Not medicine, Phil. Lollies! [holds up the bag of lollipops] See, whenever my mommy takes me to the doctor, he gives me a lolly, [pulls out an orange lollipop] and then later I feel all better!

Phil: Whoa. And all this time, I thought it was medicine! Boy, I'm not taking that stuff anymore.

[The camera cuts to an outdoor shot of the patio outside of Colleen's room. Todd and Ty nervously hide by the screen door while Teddy and Terry run outside to join them, being chased by Lil and Susie. In Timmy's room, Timmy cowers on the floor as Angelica kneels in front of him and growls, then sits back on her heels.]

Angelica: [in a sing-song voice] Don't worry, Timmy. I'm not gonna give you my cooties.

Timmy: You're... you're not?

Angelica: Nope. I'm just gonna leave ya here. C'mon, Chuckie!

[She and Chuckie leave and go back to Colleen's room. They walk outside through the screen door to join the other babies on the patio. Tommy and Phil quickly run outside with the bag of lollipops.]

Tommy: Here, you guys! Eat these! They'll make you all better! [Angelica, Chuckie, and Lil take a lollipop out of the bag]

Phil: Hurry!

[Susie, Lil and Angelica eat their lollipops as the rain washes the paint off of them. A close-up of Angelica's hand is shown, the paint quickly fading away.]

Chuckie: [licks his lollipop] Look, it's working! [watches the paint slide off his leg]

[The babies happily run off the patio and start playing in the rain. Phil and Lil laugh as they jump up and down in a big puddle. Angelica and Susie stay on the patio to finish their lollipops.]

Angelica: You know, Susie? You're okay. Sometimes.

Susie: So are you, Angelica.

Timmy: [off-screen, hesitantly] Uh, guys?

[The camera pans over to show Timmy standing by the screen door. Everyone stops playing and looks at him.]

Timmy: I, uh... I was just wondering. I mean, it's no fun playing caveman all alone, so uh... [shivers] could I, uh, play with you?

Susie: I thought you didn't wanna catch the cooties.

Timmy: Well, if everyone else is gonna have 'em, I guess I want to have 'em too. Please?

Angelica: [thinks it over] Well... okay! But just 'cause it's your birthday.

[Angelica scoops up some paint from a puddle on the patio, then laughs as she puts a splotch of it on Timmy's cheek. The other babies start to laugh as Timmy dips his finger in the paint and looks down at it with a smile. The camera cuts to an outdoor shot of the house and slowly zooms out as the babies keep laughing. The screen fades to black, ending the episode.]

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