Sour Pickles/Transcript

(Angelica Pickles is looking at the kaleidoscope. Tommy is in the playpen and wants to look at it.) Angelica: Ooh, it's so pretty. Tommy: Can I see?

Angelica: Amazing.

Tommy: Please?

Angelica: Increbidle.

Tommy: That's not fair! I wanna see the colliderscope.

Angelica: (to Tommy) Oh, you wanna see.

Tommy: Uh-huh.

Angelica: You really wanna see?

Tommy: Uh-huh.

Angelica: You really, really, really wanna see?

Tommy: Uh-huh!

Angelica: Oh. (handing Tommy the kaleidoscope) Okay. (As Tommy was about to reach for it, Angelica then takes it back.) Oops, I forgot...it's not for babies!

(Tommy was about to seeth. Then Stu, Drew, Didi and Lou enter the room, with the two formers arguing.)

Stu: So, what you're saying is my inventions are junk!

Drew: Don't put words in my mouth. You're always putting words in my mouth.

Stu: You never have one encouraging thing to say about any of my inventions!

Drew: Okay, they're more fun than a root canal!

Stu: My inventions are great! (angrily taking the kaleidoscope away from Angelica) For example, take this piece of junk you bought.

Angelica: Hey!

Stu: She could have bought a Stu Pickles Super Sense-o-Max kaleidoscope for the same price!

Drew: Well, maybe she didn't want a Stu Pickles Super Sense-o-Fuzz-a-Whatever-it-is!

Didi: (begging) Please, you two!

Stu: He started it.

Drew: Did not!

Stu: Did too!

Drew: Did not!

Lou: ZIP IT, THE BOTH OF YA'! (The argument does end, and Angelica takes the kaleidoscope back from Stu.) Always fightin' ever since you were babies!

Angelica: You mean Daddy and Uncle Stu used to fight when they were babies?

Lou: Fight?! Huh. They made their civil war look like a dang squirrel hunt.

Stu: What do you mean, Pop?

Drew: We never fought.

Lou: Are you kiddin' me? Them two were always going at it. Why, I remember one time when Stu was about, well, Tommy's age, not even old enough to talk. Yes, sir. I remember it just like it was yesterday.

(A flashback begins, all the way to 1959. A younger Lou was busy in his home-business store, Lou Pickles' Magic Wrench, preparing breakfast for himself and his two boys.)

Lou: (voice over) I was in the repair business back then. "Magic Wrench" Pickles, they called me. Your grandma, rest her soul, was out of town, working on the Kefauver campaign. Everything in the place ran like clockwork.

(As he says, everything does run like clockwork in the kitchen. The toaster overtoasts the bread, burning the slices to a crisp, the coffee overboils, and the pancakes he was preparing burn to cinders.)

Young Lou: Hey! What's happ... Hey, this high-tech... Wait! Woah, woah! (The phone rings, and Lou answers.) Hello? Oh, hi, Trixie. Everything's fine, dear, just making some breakfast.

(In another part of the store, Drew and Stu, as babies, were playing in their playpen. Stu was flying his toy rocket, and Drew was collecting play money from his toy cash register.)

Baby Drew: $30, $35, $40, $45, $50. Great! (He tries to open his cash register, but to no avail.) Awww, stuck again!

(Stu whacks at the cash register enough to open it.)

Baby Stu: You know, Drew, my rocket ship is a much better toy than your crash register.

Baby Drew: Is not, Stewie.

Baby Stu: Is too.

Baby Drew: Is not.

Baby Stu: Is too!

Baby Drew: Is not!

Baby Stu: Is... (The argument ends when background music from the television is heard.) Hey, Blocky and Oxwinkle!

(This parody of The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show has just come on. An episode has just begun. Two spies, Svetana and Yuri, are preparing to lay a bomb in the middle of the street.) Svetana: Soon, elk and weasel will be ka-blooie! ''Yuri says "elk and weasel" and hide to try to keep from being seen by the show's titular characters. Blocky picks up the bomb and gives it to Yuri.)'' Blocky: Hey, Mister. You left your clock in the middle of the street. Good thing we conveniently showed up to return it to you before someone runs over it.

(Yuri, realizing that Blocky gave him the bomb, passes it to Svetana, who then passes it back to him, then to her, then to him, until boom, the bomb explodes. Stu and Drew laugh at how funny the scene was.)

Svetana: Blasted borderkauv! But we will get them next time, my little, evil schwartznik.

(Blocky and Oxwinkle are flying on a plane, and are parachuting down to a patch of land.) Blocky: Tune in for the continued adventures of "The Blast from Within" or "An Alka-Seltzer Adventure," next time on The Blocky and Oxwinkle Show.

(Unfortunately, Oxwinkle crashlands into a tree branch, and grins nervously at Blocky.) Blocky: In thirty minutes.

Baby Stu: (surprised) Thirty minutes? That's almost forever!

Baby Drew: That's okay, Stewie. We'll play a game.

Baby Stu: (worried) Oh, no.

Baby Drew: Oh, yes. We're gonna play "Haggle".

Baby Stu: But I hate that game!

(Baby Drew takes some play money from his cash register and hands it to Baby Stu.)

Baby Drew: Here's twenty.

Baby Stu: (arms crossed) No.

Baby Drew: Take it!

Baby Stu: No!

Baby Drew: Take it! (Baby Stu takes the twenty anyway.) Now which toy do you want to buy? (Baby Stu points at a toy robot.) Mr. Machine. Good choice. That's ten dollars.

(Baby Stu hands Baby Drew the twenty, but the latter expects less.)

Baby Drew: You're supposed to Haggle! (handing Baby Stu back the twenty) Offer me less.

Baby Stu: You said it cost ten.

Baby Drew: You gotta Haggle!

Baby Stu: (getting up) I wouldn't Haggle if you gave me five-hundred dollars!

Baby Drew: Two-hundred, and that's my final offer!

Baby Stu: I'm not playing!

(His anger makes Baby Stu kick Baby Drew's cash register, with money flying out of it.)

Baby Drew: Hey!

(Baby Drew picks up Baby Stu's rocket and throws it aside, causing it to break a vase. The two then look at each other. As the flashback ends, the two brothers argue about what they did back then.)

Drew: Well, if you hadn't kicked my cash register, I wouldn't have thrown your rocket!

Stu: Oh, yeah? Well, if you hadn't made me play that dumb game, I wouldn't have--

Lou: DAGNABBIT, WILL YOU TWO CUT IT OUT?!

(The brothers' argument ends, and they hang their heads in shame. Tommy tries to pick up the kaleidoscope, but Angelica takes it away from him.)

Angelica: Did they really only have TV in black and white then, Grandpa?

Lou: Yep. And no remote control, neither.

Angelica: Get outta town!

Didi: So, what happened next, Pop?

Lou: Well, I was angrier than a swarm o' hornets; it was time to teach 'em a lesson.

Angelica: What'd you do, Grandpa? Push 'em in the mud? Make 'em eat bugs? Put itching powder in their diapers?

Lou: Nope, something much worse.

(Flashback to 1959. The episode of Blocky and Oxwinkle was still on, showing the titular characters running to the rescue.) Blocky: Hurry, Oxwinkle. It's time to obliviously save the day in the nick of time...

(Young Lou has overheard Baby Drew and Baby Stu's fighting, and he turns the television off as punishment.)

Young Lou: No more Blocky and Oxwinkle!

(Baby Drew and Baby Stu start crying. Young Lou takes them to the downstairs playpen.)

Young Lou: You can blubber all you want, but it ain't gonna help! Now you two sprouts play nice. If you're real good, I'll let ya' watch Lawrence Welk tonight.

(The two boys stop crying for a second, looking at each other, then start crying again.)

Young Lou: (looking at his watch) Whoop. Time to open up the store.

(He heads to the front door to open it up. The two babies stop crying, and watch their dad go to work.)

Baby Stu: (to Baby Drew) It's all your fault!

Baby Drew: Is not.

Baby Stu: Is too!

Baby Drew: Is not!

Baby Stu: Is too!

Baby Drew: Is not times a-thousand-trillion!

Baby Stu: Is too times a-thousand-million-billion!

Baby Drew: (crossing arms) Well, it doesn't matter now 'cause we're not gonna get to watch Blocky and Oxwinkle anyway.

Baby Stu: Yes we will!

Baby Drew: We will?

Baby Stu: It's our right as babies to watch cartoons, and that's what we're gonna do! And nobody, not our mom, not our dad, not even President Weisenhimer is gonna stop us! Are you with me?

Baby Drew: No. But whatever it is, I'll do it anyway.

(Baby Stu opens the playpen and makes sure that their dad, walking to the store's main counter, isn't looking to crawl back upstairs. Around the same time, a customer, Mr. Namby, comes in with an electric adding machine.)

Mr. Namby: (placing it on the counter) Oh, new fangled adding machines.

Young Lou: What's the problem?

''(He is answered when the machine starts printing paper out of control, even though it isn't plugged in, surprising Mr. Namby. He tries to stop the paper from covering him up. Meanwhile, Baby Drew and Baby Stu open the upstairs living room door, with Baby Stu standing on Baby Drew to turn the knob.) '' Baby Drew: Hurry!

''(We see that the TV isn't just a TV, but also a phonograph and a radio.) '' Baby Stu: Turn it on, turn it on!

Baby Drew: Which button do we push?

Baby Stu: This one.

(He turns on the phonograph. A record starts playing.)

Phonograph singer:
 * Lou can fix most anything
 * If your toaster's broke or your phone won't ring...

Baby Stu: Yaaaaaaaaa!

Baby Drew: Turn it off, turn it off!

(Baby Stu turns on the radio.)

Radio reporter: Meanwhile, President Wisenheimer...uh, Eisenhower, continues to deny that the downed plane was on a US...

Baby Drew: Oh, it's the News! Change it again!

Radio reporter: ...for questioning and...

(Baby Stu turns on the TV, at last. Blocky and Oxwinkle is still on, with Blocky running in a street.) Blocky: It's The Blocky and Oxwinkle Show.

Baby Drew, Baby Stu: Yay!

(Blocky accidentally runs into Oxwinkle, hurting himself in the process.) Blocky: Ow!

(Baby Drew and Baby Stu laugh at this. In another part of the street, two Svetana- and Yuri-shaped silhouettes sneak behind a couple of trees to spy on the show's stars. However, before the show continues, the TV short-circuits in front of the two babies, sparking and smoking before burning out)

Baby Stu: What happened?

Baby Drew: I don't know. It's "broked"!

Baby Stu: We gotta find another TV before Blocky and Oxwinkle is over.

Baby Drew: But where are we gonna find another TV?

Baby Stu: I know, back downstairs. Come on!

(Back at the main counter, Young Lou is still trying to keep from being covered by the cash register paper, with Mr. Namby watching in worry.)

Young Lou: Don't worry, now, I've got everything under control. You can pick it up at five o'clock. (He tries to turn off the cash register, but it blows a fuse in front of him. He nervously grins in front of Mr. Namby.) That's five o'clock, Friday.

(Baby Drew and Baby Stu are back downstairs near their playpen and look at a bunch of shelves holding televisions that need repairing.)

Baby Stu: What if they're broke, too?

Baby Drew: We gotta try 'em and see.

(Baby Stu tries to go atop Baby Drew's head. Nearby, Young Lou holds the cash register, with a now-exposed cord, and walks to the playpen, not noticing that his sons aren't in there.)

Young Lou: Ahh, golden silence. Keep behavin', and I might let you sprouts stay up to watch Peyton Place.

[On a side note, Peyton Place'' didn't air in 1959. It started airing in 1964.]''

(As soon as Young Lou puts the cash register on the counter to be fixed, his doorbell rings. Mr. Namby has just come back...so soon?)

Young Lou: (wondering) Namby again. I wonder what it is this time. (walking to the main counter) Yes, Mr. Namby. What is it now?

Mr. Namby: It's the Edzell. It won't start!

Young Lou: You know, I'm really not a mechanic, Mr. Namby.

Mr. Namby: Could you just come out and take a look?

Young Lou: Oh, I suppose so. (as he begins to walk outside) The kids'll be okay for five minutes.

(Baby Drew pushes a vacuum cleaner to stand on so he can get to the TVs faster. However, Baby Stu notices a trampoline.)

Baby Stu: Wait, Drew. I got a better idea.

(Unfortunately, Baby Drew turns on the vacuum and goes for a wild ride, knocking other appliances off the shelves. He crash-stops at a Jukebox, turning it on accidentally, and makes a soft landing at a recliner. The jukebox plays a record, with a recording of the song from earlier.)

Phonograph singer:
 * Lou can fix most anything
 * If your toaster's broke or your phone won't ring...

(The jukebox starts shaking during the song and then shorts out with sparks and smoke. Back outside, Young Lou has just worked on Mr. Namby's Edzell.)

Young Lou: There you go, Mr. Namby. Good as new.

(Mr. Namby happily starts the car, but it still has some problems. Young Lou clears away the brake smoke and grins nervously again.)

Young Lou: Did I mention I'm not a real mechanic?

(Back inside, Baby Drew and Baby Stu are pushing the trampoline next to the shelves with the TVs.)

Baby Drew: (looking a little worried) I don't know about this.

Baby Stu: Hey, Drew, I just want you to know that, well, if you don't make it, then I'm glad you're my big brother.

Baby Drew: Don't worry. It's not nearly as far as Bluto ["Pluto"] or even the Moon. And besides, I'm not going, you are.

''[Distance wise, Pluto is way farther away than the Moon, which is a three-way distance from Earth. Biologically, Pluto is no longer one of the main planets of the solar system but is considered a dwarf planet.]''

Baby Stu: Me?

Baby Drew: (grabbing Baby Stu) Yeah.

Baby Stu: Hey, hey, wait a minute. I don't know if...

Baby Drew: Jump!

(Baby Drew lets go of Baby Stu, who jumps on the trampoline. He turns on one of the TVs, which shows a parody of The Flintstones, showing two cartoon boulders bonking each other on the heads.)

Baby Stu: It's The Dimstones! Blocky and Oxwinkle are up there! [On a side note, The Flintstones'' didn't air in 1959. It started airing in 1960.]''

Baby Drew: (calling) Try the next one!

(Baby Stu turns on another TV, which is at the topmost shelf. The TV shows a Jetsons parody, with two hat-like spaceships hovering.)

Baby Stu: Oh, no, it's The Stetsons! [On a side note, The Jetsons'' didn't air in 1959. It started airing in 1962.]''

Baby Drew: (calling) Try the last one!

(Baby Stu turns on the TV next to the one he just turned on. It shows a blurry picture of Yuri and Svetana from the show that Baby Drew and Baby Stu were looking for.) Svetana: Cursed kalamuzzov. They have feeling our evil plan is going to fail again, just like in the other 397 episodes.

Baby Stu: It's Blocky and Oxwinkle, but it's broke!

Baby Drew: (calling) Fix it, fix it!

(Baby Stu gives it a good whack, enough for the picture to be right. It now shows Blocky flying in the air.)

Baby Stu: I did it, Drew! I did it!

(Back oustide, the Edzell gets carried away by a tow truck.)

Young Lou: Well, can't fix 'em all.

(He heads back inside the store and sees that his boys have made a mess in the place.)

Young Lou: What in tarnation? (the fan is smoking and the stove is smoking is a fuse) (Both the boys are bouncing on the trampoline laughing while watching Blocky and Oxwinkle. Both characters are in their car.) Blocky: Now let me get this straight, Oxwinkle. You say a little man with a moustache offered to fix our breaks for free? Oxwinkle: Uh-huh, uh-huh! Blocky: Our car troubles are over!

(They drive down the hill. Pan to a coming train in front of them. "TO BE CONTINUED..." appears in front of the screen on this cliffhanger. Cut to Svetana and Yuri.) Svetana: Ho-ho-ho, our plan is working, Yuri. Soon, elk and weasel will be swiss cheese, ha-ha-ha-ha!

(Young Lou seems a bit upset over the mess.)

Young Lou: Why you rambunctious little rugrats! I ought to... (cooling off a little) Hey! How'd you get the filco working?

(He walks up to the topmost TV, checking the antenna until the picture is fuzzy again.)

Young Lou: (realizing) Uh-oh.

(The flashback ends, and we are back in present day.)

Angelica: So, you didn't punish 'em, Grandpa?

Lou: Didn't have the heart. Anyway, they were doing just what I wanted 'em to.

Angelica: What's that?

Lou: Gettin' along.

Angelica: Can I get a tramp-e-lean, Daddy? Can I?

Drew: Sure, muffin. We'll go back to the toy store later.

Stu: Oh, that's silly, Drew, I can make you one.

Drew: Thanks, but I'd rather buy one.

Stu: (a bit ticked off) What did you say?

Drew: I said "I'd rather buy one."

(Another argument begins.)

Stu: Oh, so now we're back to that again.

Drew: Back to what again?

Stu: You putting down my inventions!

Drew: You're putting words in my mouth.

Stu: (clenching fist) I'll put my fist in your mouth.

(The TV turns on to Blocky and Oxwinkle (now in color), getting their attention and breaking their argument. The two each look through a pair of binoculars.) Blocky: Don't look now, Oxwinkle, but I think we're being watched. Take a look over there.

(Oxwinkle looks in that direction. His perspective shows that Svetana and Yuri are also looking through binoculars.) Svetana: Ruscaldiacov. Elk and weasel have binoculars, too. (Pull back to show both duos a few inches away from each other.) We have to find sneaker way to trick them, my little no-good-nik darling.

(Stu and Drew laugh at this moment and continue laughing until the episode's end. Back to the TV to show the end of the cliffhanger; Blocky and Oxwinkle drive in front of the train without a single scratch.)

Lou: Guess some things will never change.

(Angelica joins in on the laughter, then eventually gives in, sharing her kaleidoscope with Tommy so he can look at it.)

The End