Chuckie's a Lefty/Transcript

(The scene is in the Pickles' backyard. The table is set with a variety of foods plus some lemonade. Four arms (one of which is Angelica's) steal a meatball each. Then, an arm pops up and steals a cube from a plate, feels the plate which is now empty, and takes a bread. Pan out to under the table where the bread-taker is revealed to be Chuckie, who takes a bite out of the bread. Tommy and Phil are eating cubes and Lil and Angelica are eating meatballs. Pan to out from under the table, where Didi is wiping Dil's face, Stu and Drew are eating from the buffet, Charlotte is on her phone, and Betty is serving a pot of food. The adults (sans Betty) are wearing different outfits than normal.)

Betty: (opening the pot) Yep, nothing says "potluck" like Grandma DeVille's creole surprise!

(The other adults look into the pot, which has tentacles popping out, they look disgusted, then put on fake smiles. Chas comes over, puts down a dish and takes the top off it, revealing jello with bits in it.)

Chas: Ta-da! The Finster green tomato-celery aspic. (whispering to Betty) The trick is de-seeding the tomatoes.

Charlotte: (takes a bag of nuts out of her handbag and puts it on the table) Mixed nuts. (all the other adults look surprised) We've been on vacation!

Stu: (to Drew, who is eating chicken drumsticks, Stu himself is holding a plate of food): Hey, bro. Did you check out that museum of the strange and unusual I told you about?

Drew: Oh, we sure did. It was great!

Charlotte: (apathetic) Yes, we owe you for that.

Angelica: (to the babies, still under the table) There was the biggest grownup in the world and the smallest grownup in the world. And there was a little hat made all out of chewing gum. They even had a two-headed cow!

Chuckie, Tommy, Lil and Phil (sitting in that order): Whoa!

Stu: (Tries to get himself more food but drops it.) Darn. I dropped that last pig-in-a-blanket!

Phil: (Picks the pig-in-a-blanket up) Whoa, that's a pretty small pig.

Lil: Maybe we should give it to that weird place Angelica was talking about.

Angelica: (takes the pig-in-a-blanket) Hmm, the world's smallest hot dog.

(Next scene, Angelica takes her bag marked Cynthia Carry-All and removes a leprechaun toy, takes off his head, puts glue onto the neck, and glues the head onto Cynthia.)

Angelica: Sorry, Cynthia, but you need to look really weird.

(Tommy and Chuckie are drawing at a low table. Chuckie is using a blue crayon to draw a face with glasses and Tommy is using a green crayon to draw something, but accidentally messes it up because Chuckie bumped into him).

Chuckie: Sorry, Tommy.

Tommy: That's OK, Chuckaroo.

(They keep drawing, having gotten new pieces of paper)

Chuckie: (having bumped Tommy again) Oops, did I mess up your picture again?

Tommy: (looking at the picture, speaking awkwardly) No, I was gonna draw it that way anyway.

Chuckie: I've never bumped you before, Tommy. I always sit here and you always sit there. (stretches out his arm, still holding his crayon) Do you think my arm growed?

Tommy: No (points) Oh, Chuckie, I know! (puts his hand down, then points at Spike's doghouse) 'Cause you used to put your crayon in the hand next to Spike's doghouse, remember? (pan over to Spike's doghouse)

Chuckie: Oh, yeah! Guess I forgot. ''(swaps hands and continues drawing, but fails at drawing properly, holds up left hand). ''This hand colours better. (Continues drawing.)

Didi: Chuckie is very artistic, Chas. Hey, uh, I never noticed before, but is he left-handed?

Chas: Oh, uh, he's been switching back and forth. (shrugs his shoulders) I'm sure it's perfectly normal.

Charlotte: (arriving on scene with Drew, who has a glass of water) Normal?! You know what being left-handed means, don't you?

Chas: Uh, (points down at his left hand) using your left hand?

Charlotte: Well, exactly! Which means Chuckie will be different, as in he won't fit in, as in he won't make the right friends, as in he'll never get into an ideal college!

Didi: Now, Charlotte, that's not true. Left-handers can do everything right-handers do.

Drew: (to Stu, both of whom have glasses of water) Wasn't Uncle Hugh a lefty?

Stu: Yeah. He never had a problem. Except remember how he always put his pants on backwards?

(Stu and Drew laugh)

Didi: Stu, please! (puts her hand on Chas' shoulder) Chuckie will be just fine.

Chas: (taking Chuckie's crayon out of his left hand and putting it into his right) Well, maybe I should encourage Chuckie to use his right hand.

Didi: Now, Chas, I'm sure that's not necessary. Maybe Lipschitz has some thoughts.

Chas: Of course! Why didn't I think of Lipschitz before? He has that new While You Wait Toddler Concentration Chaos guide at the mall. I could still get there before they close! (runs off. Didi sighs and walks away).

Tommy: Why did your daddy go away so fast, Chuckie?

Chuckie: I think it was 'cause I was colouring with my wrong hand instead of my right hand. Guys, I didn't even know there was a right and wrong hand.

Tommy: They look the same to me.

Chuckie: No. No, there's something wrong with this one. (holds his hand up)

(Timmy McNulty is walking down the sidewalk and is surprised to see Angelica standing on a box.)

Angelica: Step right up to see Angelica's Weird Stuff Show! Come see the Seventh Wonder of the World: the two-headed doll.

Timmy: Hey, Angelica! You got a two-headed doll?!

Angelica: That's right, Timmy. Price of admission is one cookie.

(Timmy takes out a cookie from his pocket and hands it to Angelica, who takes a blanket off a stool to reveal Cynthia with the leprechaun head stuck to her.)

Timmy (peeved): Oh, that's just two dolls stuck together.

Angelica: Is not! For your information, Cynthia and Cynthia were born this way!

Timmy: That's not worth a cookie! (takes back his cookie and leaves angrily.)

Angelica: Hey, you don't get that back!

Didi: (to Charlotte, who's eating) I think it's very special that Chuckie's left-handed. Only ten percent of the population is, you know.

Charlotte: Deed, he'll need special scissors, desks, notebooks...and he'll never be able to drive a stick shaft.

Didi: Well, I can't even do that!

Angelica: Aunt Didi, can I play with Cousin Dil?

Didi: No, honey, he's got a little cold today.

Angelica: Humph! (walks off to the other babies, who are still drawing.)

Babies: Hi, Angelica.

Angelica: What's the matter with Finster?

Tommy: Chuckie's sad 'cause he does everything with his wrong hand. (points at Chuckie with crayon).

Angelica: Oh, that's not his wrong hand, it's his left hand. Don't you babies know anything?!

Chuckie: My left hand? So it's not wrong?

Angelica: Well, I didn't say that exactly. In fact, only ten persons in the whole poop-ulation are left-handed.

Chuckie: Only ten? Then I'm really special!

Angelica: You're not special, Chuckie. You're...different. You're gonna have to use different stuff like spoons and clothes and food. Oh, and you can never drive a car.

Chuckie: (puts his crayon down) Oh, why does it have to happen to me?

Angelica: It's not all bad, Chuckie. Now, you can be in Angelica's Weird Stuff Show! You'll be my main distraction. Chuckie the left-handed boy!

Chuckie: Um, uh, uh, thanks anyway, Angelica but I don't think I wanna be in your show. I just wanna be Chuckie the regular boy.

Angelica: (walking away) Okay, but don't come crying to me when you can't get a real job.

(Dil sneezes, Didi and Charlotte eat and drink. Angelica sneaks up on Dil.)

Chuckie: I don't wanna be different, Tommy. I wanna be like everybody else!

Tommy: Well, you used to use your right hand. I thought you could do it again!

Chuckie: You think so?

Tommy: (getting up from the table) Sure. Come on. (He, the twins and Chuckie leave).

(Tommy is holding a pink ball. He throws it. Chuckie catches it in his cupped hands. He tries to throw it back but falls over. The ball lands between Phil and Lil, who run away. Chuckie gets up. Then, the babies hit the ground with hammers but Chuckie's hammer falls out of his hand and hits him on the head.)

(Angelica is on her box, with a loose fence post being held up by a stick. Dil is nearby)

Angelica: Come and see Dil, the ickiest baby in the known world. Only one cookie! (to Dil, who's cooing) Not for you, Goo Boy!

Timmy: (who's poking his head through the fence with his brother Teddy) That's just a baby!

Teddy: Hey, my nose runs too! (the McNulty boys leave)

Angelica: Hey! Get back here! You owe me a cookie!

Dil: (waving) Bye-bye!

(Phil, Lil and Tommy are pushing their wheelie toys along. Chuckie follows with his own wheelie toy but knocks his friends over. He then falls into the sand box.)

Chuckie: (coughs) Oh, I can't do it. I can't make toys go or hammers squeak or throw a ball. I'm never gonna be like regular babies ever again. I'm gonna just always be different. I guess I'll just have to be in Angelica's show after all. I'm gonna go now. (walks over to Angelica.) Angelica? I'm ready to be your main distraction.

Angelica: Oh, Chuckie. Well, I've got some really, really good distractions already. (points at a dead fly on a stool) That's the most dried-up dead fly that's ever lived (points to a bone on a stool) and that's a real true dinosaur bone (points to another stool, on which sits a plate of food) and that's Uncle Stu's gross potato salad!

Chuckie: Why is that there?

Angelica: It's got yucky green things in it!

Chuckie: So I guess you don't need me. See ya. (Starts to leave but Angelica takes him by the shirt.)

Angelica: I just 'membered. All potato salad's got yucky green things in it but there's only one left-handed boy. (She replaces the potato salad with Chuckie) Let me get you a crayon so people can see how weird you are. (Chuckie sighs, Tommy and the twins walk up to him.)

Tommy: Hi, Chuckaroo! Um, are you having fun?

Chuckie: Well, kind of. Except I have to sit next to an old dead fly. (Angelica walks up)

Angelica: No talking to my main distraction! You can see him for a cookie!

Chuckie: Angelica, why can't I talk to my friends?

Angelica: Sorry, Chuckie. You can only be friends with weird people now.

Chuckie: I gots to be friends with a fly and an old dog bone? (gets down from the stool) I wanna be friends with Tommy and Phil and Lil!

Angelica: Ah, what's so great about them anyway?! (walks over to Chuckie's friends and points at each one she addresses) Look at 'em. Phil eats bugs, Lil always has a dirty face and Tommy's bald and lumpy! There's something wrong with all of them!

Chuckie: No, there isn't! They're just different!

Angelica: (laughs) Yeah, that's for sure!

Chuckie: Hey, if we're all different, then I'm not weird, I'm the same as you guys!

Tommy: Chuckie's right, Angelica. We're all different, even you! (points to Angelica.)

Angelica: Me?! What do ya mean? I'm not different! How am I different?!

Tommy: Well, um, you're, um, kinda bossy?

Angelica: What? I'm not bossy. (Phil reaches for the dead fly.) Hey! Step away from that fly! You babies move over there! (To Dil, who sneezed) and you, stop sneezing! Hey, I am kinda bossy, aren't I? Cool.

(back at the table)

Chas: So the people at the Lipschitz kiosk said to just give Chuckie plenty of reassurance and he'll be fine.

Charlotte: Well, of course he will. It's only Didi who can't drive a stick shift.

Chas: Well, actually, I can't either. Oh, and while I was at the mall, I saw this left-handed store. And it had all these neat things for lefties. (Takes out a bag labelled 'Not Quite Right' and takes things out of it) See, here's this left-handed whisk and a shoehorn and a steam iron, and this really nice pencil. (Didi and Stu look confusedly at each other.)

(There's a piece of paper on the fence with "Wierd Peoples Show 1 Cookie" scrawled on it)

Angelica: (to a crowd of children, including the McNulty boys) Step right up! Come and see weird people from around the world. We got Tommy the amazing, bald baby, Phil the bug-eating boy and Lil the dirtiest girl in these ignited states and me the bossiest girl who ever was born! (The kids cheer and hand over cookies) One at a time!