All's Well That Pretends Well/Transcript

(The episode begins with the babies in the play pen at the Pickleses' house, looking through a magazine of toys, but then Dil sucks on a part of it, covering it in his drool.)

Lil: I think that's what Dil wants.

Phil: Ugh, he can have it now.

Didi: (entering) Are you kids excited about going to see the Cirque du Dummi Bear? Why, I can't remember the first time I saw a special French-Canadian interpretation of the Dummi Bears show! (looks thoughtful) Maybe never.

(the doorbell buzzes and Didi answers it. Drew, Charlotte and Angelica enter.)

Drew: Sorry we're late, Didi. We think our cat's sick.

Charlotte: (slightly sad) We kept hearing these horrible sneezing sounds all day.

Angelica: It was Fluffy!

Drew: (patting Angelica on her shoulder) I know, Pumpkin. That's what you said. (Angelica does a devilish smile)

Didi: (closing the door) Why don't you come in the kitchen? Stu's hosting a pre-show Dummi Bears discussion group! (they walk off)

(Angelica walks into the living room, carrying Cynthia and sniffing, then looks shocked)

Lil: No! Give me it!

(Angelica walks angrily over to the babies, who are giggling and looking at the magazine)

Angelica: Gimme that! (snatches it) I don't believe it! There's Dummi Bear stuff that I don't got! (closes magazine) Oh, I just gotta go to this circus thing! (sniffs)

Chuckie: Are you sick, Angelica?

Angelica: (angrily) No! (sneezes)

Didi: (running into the room) Goodness, what was that?

Angelica: It was, uh, (points at Dil) Dil, Aunt Didi!

Didi: (picking up Dil and speaking in a baby-talk voice, while Dil coos) Oh, dear. I hope you're not sick, sweetums. I wouldn't want you to miss the show. (normal voice, carrying Dil out) Stu! Has Dil been sneezing? (Angelica smiles)

Tommy: That wasn't very nice, Angelica! Dil's not sick, you are!

Angelica: No, I'm not! If I was, I couldn't go to the Circus of Dummi Bears! And I've been waiting a whole month for that. (holds her hands up) It's gonna be the greatest show ever!

Phil: Even better than Reptar on Ice?

Angelica: A bazillion times better! (throws the magazine away and it lands on Chuckie's face, then starts dancing about and holding Cynthia upside-down) Music, lights, dancing, trapeze artists. (dramatically sad) You babies wouldn't want me to be the onliest girl in the world to grow up without seein' a show that good, would ya?

(Phil and Lil look sad, Chuckie looks shocked, Tommy looks angry)

Tommy: Well, uh, I guess not, but just don't say Dil's sick no more, Angelica, 'cause he wants to go too.

Angelica: Okay, okay. (she gasps and then Stu and Didi walk in, Didi carrying Dil)

Didi: I don't know, Stu; there is something going around. (puts Dil back in the playpen)

Stu: He's fine, Deed. It must have just been a really powerful burp.

Didi: Well, all right, but we will have to watch them really closely (pats Tommy on the head) for signs of anything unusual. We can't bring a sick child to Cirque du Dummi Bear. (Angelica looks worried and Tommy plays with Dil) It might cause an international epidemic!

Angelica: Oh, Cynthia, if Aunt Didi and Uncle Stu find out I'm sick, they'll never take me to the show. And I have to see it! I'll just have to make sure those babies look like the sick ones, not me.

(the kids' parents are in the kitchen)

Betty: Wow, I hope the show's not in French. My parlez-vous's a little rusty. (sits at the table next to Chas)

Chas: Don't worry Betty; (emotionally) the Dummi Bears speak an international language: love.

Angelica: Aunt Didi, is it OK if I help you watch the babies? Y'know, in case one of them is sick?

Didi: (lightly hugging Angelica) Oh, that's very thoughtful of you, Angelica.

Angelica: I know! So what kind of stuff should I be watchin' 'em for, exactly?

Didi: Well, let's see. (gets up, takes a medical book off the shelf and opens it up, then turns a few pages) The main symptoms of the virus that's been going around are pale and blotchy skin, shivering if they have a fever, and of course, a runny nose or sneezing.

Angelica: (running out of the room and trying not to sneeze) Uh, well, OK, thanks, bye! (sneezes on Spike, who walks off, then walks into the bathroom and steals some make-up) Heh-heh-heh, get ready, everybody! We're about to have an epidermis on our hands! (runs into the living room, where the babies are playing with toy vehicles) Hey, babies! The grown-ups said since we was going to the circus, you babies could dress up like circus clowns.

Twins: Yay!

Tommy: That's a great idea!

Chuckie: Not for me, thank you; clowns are scary!

Angelica: I think Phil would make the bestest clown, he's kinda funny-lookin' already! (Phil makes a goofy face)

Lil: Hey, I'm funny-lookin', too!

Phil: Not as funny-looking as me!

Lil: Funnier!

Angelica: All right, all right, you're both funny-lookin'. Now get over here! (beckons, then paints the twins' faces white with red spots) Perfect!

Tommy: Um, uh, I think you made their polka-dots too small, Angelica. They look like clowns who gots the chicken pops.

Angelica: Nah, that's the way all circus clowns is wearing their dots these days!

Tommy: Can Dil and I be clowns next?

Angelica: Sure, Tommy. Good idea. (sneezes)

Didi: (enters) Kids, are you OK? (gasps at seeing Phil and Lil with their makeup on, then gets out the first-aid kit and puts the twins on the kitchen table) Ear light, nose light, throat light. Oh, where is that electronic thermometer?

Chas: Well, I've never seen anything like it. It must be tropical!

Didi: Here it is. (takes Phil's temperature, scaring the twins) These digital models are very accurate, y'know. (Angelica giggles) Negative fifty-five point six seven?

Betty: Now forget all that high-tech stuff, Deed. All you need is a mother's hand to tell if pups got fevers. 'Scuse eh moi! (puts her hands on the twins' foreheads, then some make-up comes off on them) Hey, whoa, what the?! This is baby powder! And lipstick!

Angelica: Uh-oh.

Betty: (laughs and washes it off while Angelica leaves) Oh, you pups.

Angelica: Well, Cynthia, pale and blotchy didn't work. Let's try makin' those babies cold and shivery. (takes some ice cream)

Betty: (putting Phil into the playpen, where Tommy and Chuckie are playing with the ball and Didi puts Lil in the playpen) They must've been playing dress-up! Y'know, Howie did a lot of that when he was a pup. (the moms leave)

Chuckie: (happy) Hey, you guys aren't clowns no more!

Phil: (annoyed) The growed-ups thought we was sick clowns.

Lil: (also annoyed) Yeah; they didn't think we was very funny!

Angelica: (walking into the playpen) Hello, babies.

Tommy: You've tricked us, Angelica!

Phil: Yeah, you made it look like Lillian and me were sick!

Lil: We might not have got to go to the Dummi Bear circus thingie!

Angelica: (dramatic sad) It's true. It's all true and I'm sorry. I just hope you babies can find your hearts and forgive me.

Tommy: No, Angelica! We forgived you one time and then you did the same thing again!

Angelica: (puts ice cream down) I'll give you ice cream.

Lil: I forgive you, Angelica.

Phil: Me too.

Chuckie: Well, I guess if you're really sorry. (takes some ice cream along with the twins and Tommy, who hesitates)

Tommy: Hold on, you guys. What if this is just another trick?

Phil: (clears his throat) Tommy, what could be wrong with ice cream?

Tommy: Um, well... I guess you're right.

Phil: Right! (they eat all the ice cream)

Angelica: Nice job, babies. Guess that ice cream was pretty cold though, huh? (the babies are shivering and have ice cream on their faces. Angelica runs into the kitchen) Aunt Didi, the babies are sick!

Didi: (picking up her sons while Betty picks up Phil and Lil and Chas picks up Chuckie) Oh my goodness!

Angelica: They're lookin' pretty shivery, huh?

Didi: Oh, dear, they've got the chills and, ew, their noses have been running. (puts them on the table and looks at a piece of paper with statistics written on it) I can't find anything wrong with them! (sniffs) They even smell good.

Betty: Hmm... (gets some ice cream off Lil's face with her finger and tastes it)

Didi: Betty!

Betty: Oh, just as I suspected: vanilla! The kids got into the ice cream! They're fine. Let's get these pups back in the living room. (they carry the babies back into the living room)

Angelica: Hmm... (looks at Didi's medical book) Let's see. Pale, blotchy, chilly and... sneezin'! Hm, let's see. The feather duster! (takes the duster and sneaks behind the babies, who are giggling in the playpen) One touch of this and Finster will be sneezing 'til he's a grownup! Oh, this is too good to be true! (the ball rolls out of the playpen and Chuckie goes to get it. Spike wakes up and takes the feather duster, shaking dust out of it and making Angelica go into a sneezing fit. The adults enter, then in the kitchen, Drew takes Angelica's temperature)

Drew: Well, this one seems to be working. One hundred and one. I'm afraid you can't go to the show, Princess: you're sick.

Angelica: No!

Charlotte: I know you're disappointed, sweetie. I tell you what: we'll stay here until everyone comes home and then we can hear all about it, OK? (Angelica groans, everyone leaves in the car except Angelica and her parents, who wave goodbye. Tommy waves goodbye too and gasps when he sees that Angelica is frowning. Angelica begins to cry, then gets put on the couch with a blanket.)

Drew: (carrying videos) How about a Dummi Bears video, sweetheart? That should cheer you up. (sits on the couch) Let's see, we've got Dummi Bear Christmas, Dummi Bear Hannukah, Dummi Bear Ardra Day...

Angelica: No, I don't wanna see the stupid old Dummi Bears! Who cares about 'em anyway?

Drew: OK, Princess, I'll come check on you in a little while. (kisses her head and leaves)

(Angelica looks at the Dummi Bears magazine and the others come back, with the babies acting sick)

Stu: We're back!

Charlotte: What happened? You were only gone half an hour.

Didi: As soon as we got to the arena, the kids all started sneezing and coughing. It's the strangest thing. (the babies stop)

Chas: Apparently they all came down with the same thing that Angelica has.

Didi: We'd better consult Lipschitz. (the babies walk up to Angelica)

Angelica: Hey, what's going on? You babies aren't sick.

Tommy: Well, (shaking his head) we just couldn't have fun at the circus knowing you was missing.

Angelica: You couldn't?

Lil: No, so we pretended to be sick so we could come home and keep you company.

Angelica: You did?

Chuckie: It was kinda scary there anyway, so I didn't have to pretend to shiver.

Angelica: (getting off the couch) You babies did that for... for... for me? (the babies nod, then hug her) Hey, what are you dumb babies doin'? You don't wanna get sick, do ya? (pushes them away, the kids laugh)

Stu: Anyway, before we left, I went over to the gift stand to buy a few souvenirs and look what they had. (takes out a tape) The entire show on video tape!

Chas: Not to mention laser disc, DVD, HDTV, CD Rom, Beta Eight track... (the adults go into the living room)

Drew: Did you hear that, princess? You're going to see the Cirque du Dummi Bear after all.

Angelica: I am?

Stu: (puts the tape into the VCR) Gather round, everybody. It's starting. (everyone watches)

Dummi Bears: (on TV) Sing the happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy song.

Everybody but Dil: Sing the happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy song.

Sing the happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy song.

Sing the happy, happy, happy, happy (Angelica sneezes) happy, happy song.