The Mysterious Mr. Friend/Transcript

(Opening scene: Stu's workshop. In his welder's suit, Stu is busy welding something together. He flips the switches on a machine, turns the crank, and bolts of lightning strike what's under the blanket. Stu turns off the machine, and a fully-articulated hand moves.)

Stu: (removing his helmet) Yes. Yes! It's alive! IT'S ALIVE!

(He laughs maniacly as the owner of the hand reveals itself to be a clown toy. It has a heart-shaped button on its yellow suit and has red hair under its hat. Didi comes down to the workshop.)

Didi: What's alive, Stu?

Stu: Only the invention that's gonna...

Didi: "Put Pickles Toys on the map"?

Stu: Okay, he's not alive, strictly speaking, but he's almost alive. (moving the toy's arm) He's got fully-articulated limbs, (opening the eyes/nose to reveal a sensor and another button) a heat-and-motion sensor for tracking potential playmates, (pressing the button to reveal a minidisk inside the mouth) and a voice chip containing 217 different randomly-accessed phrases. (pressing the button again and closing the eyes/nose while the mouth retracts) Didi, meet Mr. Friend.

(He presses the heart button on Mr. Friend's suit, and the toy activates.)

Mr. Friend: ("greeting" Didi) Oh, boy, a brand new friend to meet. Let's wash our hands before we eat.

(Didi thinks for a second.)

Stu: Great, isn't he?

Didi: He's so...

Stu: "Educational"?

Didi: That wasn't exactly the word I had in mind.

(Mr. Friend gets up and starts walking around.)

Mr. Friend: Hey, little pal, it's time to play; we're gonna have a happy day.

Stu: Oh, boy, this is great. (picking Mr. Friend up) I'm can't wait to show Tommy.

(Inside the playpen in the living room, Tommy turns the crank on the jack-in-the-box, while Chuckie Finster moans in worry and jumps up to cover the door right before the jack pops out.)

Chuckie: NOOOOOO!

Tommy: What'd you do that for?

Chuckie: Come on, Tommy. You 'member what happened the last time you turned the handle on the jerk-in-the-box; a scary clown popped out.

Tommy: I know.

Chuckie: So, why do you want to do it again?

Tommy: Maybe something different will happen this time.

(Stu comes in to the living room with his hands clasped behind his back.)

Stu: Tommy, Chuckie, guess what. I have a surprise for you.

(He reveals that Mr. Friend is in his hands and places the toy in front of the two babies.)

Stu: A new toy all for you. Isn't he great? Come on, play with him all you want. (He whistles for a second, but Tommy and Chuckie do nothing.) Well, play, play. (The kitchen phone rings.) Aww, the phone. (He is on his way to the kitchen.) Now, don't play 'til I get back, okay?

Chuckie: (nervously) Tommy... do you know this guy?

Tommy: Uh-uh, but my daddy says his name was "Mr. Fiend."

(The two get up and walk over to the doll...)

Tommy: Hi Mr. Fiend. I'm Tommy, and this is my pal Chuckie. (Chuckie waves nervously) Wanna play with us? (touches Mr. Friend's heart button, activating him...)

Mr. Friend: You can call me Mr. Friend. You'll never ever be bored again!

(Tommy and Chuckie scream and run for it as Mr. Friend babbles a bit while walking, then he falls over.)

Chuckie: (panting) Is he... is he broken?

Tommy: Yeah... I think so... (reaches toward Mr. Friend, but it gets up and starts talking again)

Mr. Friend: Hello kiddies, rise and shine! I'm your friend, d-d-d-d... (falls over and his batteries pop out)

Chuckie: (hiding under a blanket) Is it over?

Tommy: Uh... uh-huh.

Chuckie: (stands up from blanket) What do we do now?

Tommy: Do you have to ask?

(They both start Tacoma bawling. Stu and Didi rush in among hearing the Tacoma crying.)

Didi: Oh, dear! What's the matter?

Stu: I know, they think there's something wrong with their little friend! (picks up Mr. Friend and replaces the batteries into him) The batteries came loose, that's all. (puts him back down near Tommy and Chuckie, whom stop Tacoma bawling) See kids? He's okay.

Mr. Friend: A word of caution, if you please: Don't kiss the cat when it has fleas!

(Didi gives Stu a look.)

Stu: OK, I'll hire a writer to come up with some new lines. (picks up Mr. Friend and begins walking off with it) Gotta fix the latch on this battery compartment. Might be some other bugs inside...

(Among hearing "bugs," Tommy and Chuckie gasp.)

Stu: (patting Tommy's head) Don't worry, champ! Mr. Friend will be just fine. (he and Didi leave the room)

Chuckie: Whew... I'm sure glad we've seen the last of THAT guy.

Tommy: I don't know about that, Chuckie. I just don't know...

(Cut to nighttime. Stu and Didi are watching Tommy sleep in his crib...)

Didi: Isn't he sweet?

Stu: Oops, almost forgot his new friend.

(Stu puts Mr. Friend in the crib, having it lie next to Tommy. Both parents then shut off the lights and leave the room, closing the door. Tommy, unaware of its presence, sighs in his sleep and puts his hand on Mr. Friend, causing it to suddenly activate and get up; it zooms in really close to the "camera.")

Mr. Friend: Rise and shine you sleepyhead! It's no fun to stay in bed, in bed, in be-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh...

(Tommy wakes up hearing the racket and watches as Mr. Friend glitches and its head spins around. Tommy starts his theme crying...)

Tommy: WAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAH!

(Hearing the bawling, Didi rushes into Tommy's room and turns the light on just as Mr. Friend stops moving and talking.)

Didi: What's the matter, Tommy? Come on, we'll get you a bottle.

(She picks Tommy up and takes him downstairs, and we see Mr. Friend still lying in the crib.)

(Cut to another extreme close-up of Mr. Friend; it's the next day at the backyard. Phil and Lil Deville have come over, looking at Mr. Friend.)

Phil: I dunno. He doesn't look so scary to me.

Lil: Yeah, he looks kinda funny.

Tommy: (as the twins get up) I'm telling you, that guy is nuts. He talks all night, and he smells like burning rubber bands, and worst of all, my dad says he's full of bugs.

Phil and Lil: (delighted) Bugs?

(The two get into a tug of war, pulling Mr. Friend by the arms.)

Phil: I saw him first, Lillian.

Lil: No, I did, Phillip!

Mr. Friend: Mr. Friend says, "please be fair; No one gets hurt when you share..."

(The twins let go of Mr. Friend, letting out a little scream as the toy's head spins around, glitching.)

Mr. Friend: Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-er.

(The toy falls flat on its face and smoke wafts from it as the twins walk back to Tommy and Chuckie.)

Phil: You were right, Tommy.

Lil: I never sawed such a scary toy.

Chuckie: What are we gonna do?

Tommy: We gotta get rid of him. We're gonna put him someplace where he'll never come back.

(Cut to the bathroom viewed from inside the laundry chute as Tommy opens it.)

Tommy: We put Mr. Fiend in here. That's the dirty clothes place. You put things in there when you want 'em to go away.

(Chuckie and the twins carry the doll to the opening, and the toy drops down to the laundry basket inside Stu's workshop. Didi carries the basket while Stu is busy making a line of Mr. Friend dolls with his powerhouse.)

Stu: I'm tellin' ya', Deed, I can produce the first line of Mr. Friend dolls right here in my own workshop. Heh-heh. Stu Pickles isn't selling out any huge, greedy, toy-manufacturing monolith...not yet, anyway.

Didi: (as she carries the basket to the washer) That's nice, dear.

(As she begins to put some laundry into the washer, she gets an unexpected surprise from the doll, who pops out of some of the clothes.)

Mr. Friend: Here I am, don't be blue; and I will sing a song for you. (The toy sings "La-la-la, la-la-la-la..." to the tune of "London Bridge".)

Didi: How did you get in here? (to Stu while picking the toy up) Please, I'm begging you, Stu, hire a writer!

(Didi goes outside to put Mr. Friend near the sandbox next to a sleeping and snoring Lou, and walks off. The babies are playing ball.)

Chuckie: Know what, Tommy? I don't think Mr. Fiend was really so scary. I mean, he was just a dumb old doll, right? (Phil throws the ball too hard and unknowingly activates Mr. Friend, who again sings "La-la-la..." to the tune of "London Bridge", this time, glitching, with extra notes and off pitching.) It's not like he...

(The babies gasp in shock upon hearing the toy, who walks to them.)

Tommy, Chuckie, Phil, Lil: Mr. Fiend!

(The babies try to run away from it, but reach a dead end at a corner of the fence.)

Tommy: We're trapped!

Chuckie: What are we gonna do?

(Phil grabs Lil's doll, Rhonda Rags, from her.)

Lil: No! Not Rhonda Rags!

Phil: Sorry, Lil.

(Phil throws Rhonda at Mr. Friend, who turns off.)

Lil: Phil, how could you? (She starts crying.)

Tommy: Don't cry, Lil. He stopped moving again.

Lil: Oh, Phillip!

Tommy: I think Rhonda's safe. (He picks Rhonda up as Mr. Friend is about to lose balance.) See? He wouldn't hurt another doll.

(Mr. Friend falls, pulling Tommy's diaper while the baby throws Rhonda to Lil, who stops crying and is relieved. Tommy pulls his diaper back up.)

Chuckie: Hey, I got an idea! I saw this movie, King Krong [King Kong] where they got rid of a monster by pushing him off the Entire State ["Empire State"] building.

(Pause for a second.)

Phil: So?

Chuckie: We just gotta push Mr. Fiend off the Entire State building! (The other three are confused.) Never mind. (starting to walk away) I don't know why I even try.

Tommy: (stopping him) Wait a minute, Chuckie, that's a great idea.

Chuckie: It is?

Tommy: Sure, it is, it's gonna work perfectly. Only, I think we should do one thing different: Instead of pushing Mr. Fiend off a building, we'll bury him underground.

Phil: Good thinking, Chuckie.

Lil: Yeah, way to go.

(Chuckie smiles at this.)

(Cut to inside the ground. The babies have put Mr. Friend in, cover the doll up with dirt, and hold a mock funeral for him.)

Tommy: There, he's buried.

Chuckie: Shouldn't somebody say a few words?

Phil: Like what?

Chuckie: How 'bout... "hinkle finkle dinkle doo"?

Phil and Lil: A-hem.

Chuckie: Yeah.

(The babies drop their flowers into the hole, and they cover the camera with black.)

(Cut to inside Stu's basement workshop. He stands with a whole bunch of Mr. Friend dolls all lined up in a row...)

Stu: You guys look terrific. Mr. Friend's whole friendly family ready and rearing to go. I just can't wait to see you all in action at once! (begins turning them on)

Mr. Friends: Hey little pal, it's time to play! Oh boy, a brand new friend to meet... We're going to have a happy day! Hello kiddies, rise and-a shine! I'm your friend, and you are mine! Hey little pal, it's time to play... (indistinct chattering)

(The Mr. Friend dolls begin bumping into each other and malfunctioning...)

Stu: Uh-oh. (he shuts off all the Mr. Friends, restoring order...) Hmm, still a few kinks to work out. Ah, maybe I should take a little break...

(He goes upstairs; a few seconds later, a Mr. Friend toy walks out from behind the water heater, and winds up activating the others in the process...)

Mr. Friends: Here's advice that can't be beat: look both ways before crossing the street. Hey little pal, it's time to play! We're going to have a...

(Cut to outside; the original Mr. Friend's arm is sticking out of the dirt patch with worms slithering around its' fingers as Spike watches...)

Mr. Friend: Stay away from squiggly worms, they're full of dirt and yucky ger-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-ger-er, germs.

(Spike digs up the Mr. Friend doll as the boys pass the starred ball around, and Lil plays with her Rhonda Rags doll. Spike then trots through the yard carrying the dirt-covered Mr. Friend doll, until it activates and starts babbling, causing Spike to drop the doll and run off whining in terror. The no longer dirty Mr. Friend begins walking towards the kids...)

Lil: Now now, it's okay, Rhonda. That Mr. Fiend's all gone... (sees Mr. Friend approaching) Ih! Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! (she runs off towards the others, dropping her doll)

Phil: AAH!

Mr. Friend: Obey your parents, stay out of danger, take daily naps, don't talk to strangers...

Chuckie: Tommy?

Tommy: Yeah Chuckie?

Chuckie: I think Mr. Fiend is gonna be with us for a very, very long time.

(The twins and Chuckie run off as Mr. Friend comes nearer, but Tommy stays.)

Tommy: Wait a minute! We can't spend our whole lives running away from a dumb old doll.

Phil and Lil: Why not?

Mr. Friend: Hur-hur-hur... Ger-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-ge-er ger-er... (continues babbling as its head spins)

Tommy: Causs, cause... then we'll never have time to do anything else, like play or take naps or grow up and get jobs!

Chuckie: That's okay with me as long as Mr. Fiend doesn't catch us!

Tommy: No, we gotta make him go away! You guys remember where that loose board in the fence is?

Phil and Lil: Yeah?

Tommy: Then follow me! (runs off) (Mr. Friend approaches Chuckie and the twins. We can see it's "friendship scan" tracking sensor scanning the three, whom run off as the toy follows.)

Mr. Friend: Ge-er, ger-er, ger-er...

Tommy: (runs to the fence) Okay, Mr. Fiend! Come and get me! (Phil and Lil come up to him as Chuckie hides in a bush) You guys know what to do?

Phil: Sure, Tommy.

Lil: Right behind ya!

Mr. Friend: (underneath their dialogue) Let's all think of happy, happy, hap-hap ger-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-ger-er, let's play a game of hide-and-seek. My turn to hide, but don't you peek!

(At the last second, Tommy leaps out of the way and the twins push up the loose fence board. Mr. Friend walks through the opening, out of the yard and across the street, just avoiding being hit by oncoming traffic...)

Mr. Friend: Do your homework, study hard, and don't eat food that's cooked in lard. Contrary to what you see...

Tommy, Phil and Lil: (they close the board) Whew!

Chuckie: (climbing out of the bush) You know, it's funny. I almost felt sorry for him just then.

Phil: Yeah... but I'm sure glad he's gone!

Lil: Me too! I hope I never see another toy like that again! (Tommy nods)

(Cut to inside the basement workshop, where all the Mr. Friend dolls are still walking around, and they climb up a desk and a pile of books to the basement window, where they climb out. Back outside...)

Tommy: Now that Mr. Fiend is gone, what do you guys wanna do?

(All the Mr. Friend dolls start yakking away in a mess of incessant chatter as they approach the kids...)

Lil: Boy, this is really one of those days, huh?

(The Mr. Friends walk even closer, all waddling in perfect synchronization...)

Chuckie: (panicking) WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO TOMMY, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?!

Tommy: What we should've done a long time ago! (picks up his pusher toy) Guys, I'm DONE being "ascared." It's them or us! Come on!

(Tommy rams his pusher at a few of the dolls. Phil rolls Tommy's ball like a bowling ball at a few more, and they land in a pile.)

Phil: Yeah!

(Lil uses Rhonda like a weapon and pushes a couple dolls away with her, then kicks another until it begins to fall apart. Chuckie air punches until another doll circles around him. Chuckie accidentally trips the doll, and after it falls over into pieces, declares victory. Tommy rams his pusher at a couple more. Another doll falls on its hands and feet. Three more are destroyed in the following fashions: one is thrown to a tree and its springs spring loose; one is hit headfirst at a sprinkler; one is flown to the air, then falls back down until it breaks into pieces that bounce up. The babies are about to celebrate, but run off when Stu and Didi come out through the living room door.)

Stu: Deed, once I get all the Mr. Friend dolls up and running, I'll try 'em out on the kids and then... (He stops short and sees the destroyed dolls in the backyard.) AHHHHHHH! WHAT HAPPENED?! (He kneels down and picks up the remains of one of the dolls.) My creations. My beautiful creations.

Didi: (calming him down) Now, Stu, maybe the world wasn't ready for Mr. Friend yet. Now let's go inside and you can figure out a new toy.

(As Stu and Didi go back inside the house, the babies celebrate their victory at the sandbox.)

Tommy: Well, guys, we did it! We proved we're tougher than any toy!

Phil: I'm just glad it's all over.

(Chuckie and Lil agree with him.)

Angelica: (coming into the scene) Hey, babies. (She gets their attention.) Guess what? When my daddy and me were coming over here, I found the neatest, greatest, bestest toy in the whole world. Look!

(She shows them the first Mr. Friend doll the babies have gotten rid of earlier, and they run away screaming, leaving Angelica utterly confused.)

Mr. Friend: Let's all think of happy things; and laugh, and skip, and dance, and sing!

Angelica: (after looking at the doll) Well, I thought it was neat.

(She grins, and the following words form on the close-up of Mr. Friend.)

THE END 

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