Coup DeVille/Transcript

As the series opens, we start the show at the local video arcade, where Phil and Lil are playing "Alien Elimanators".

Phil: Flubdore, nine o'clock! Slime him Lil!

Lil: Feeling lucky, Flubdore?

Phil: Excellent spewage Lil.

Lil: Hyperspace Phil!

Nearby, Betty is playing a Reptar video game.

Reptar Game: Monsters are munching.

Betty: You munch me, I munch back. He never stood a chance. Oh jeez, we gotta get going. Hey twins, come on, shake a leg, you two.

Phil & Lil each literally shakes a leg.

Next day, we go to the middle school cafeteria, where the students are in line for food.

Principal: (on loudspeaker) Salutations, beloved students. Will the person who wrote "O'Keats loves Pangborn" on the gymnasium floor, please erase it, immediately!

Lil reaches for a tray. She accidently bumps into Brett.

Brett: Sorry.

Lil: No problem.

''Lil puts back her tray and reaches for one that has the same thing Brett has. Phil does the same thing as Lil.''

Cashier: Well, if it ain't the bookends. (blows her nose) $5.83 for you two.

Lil: We'll be paying seperately. I have my own money.

Phil: Uh me too. (reaches in his pockets for money, but doesn't get any) Just not today.

Lil sighs, then also pays for Phil's food.

Phil: Thanks, I'll pay you back. As soon as that no-allowance-for-a-month thing is over. How was I suppose to know Kimi's great aunt was in that vase? They should label that stuff.

Diane calls for Lil from the other side of the cafeteria.

Diane: Hey Lil! Over here!

Lil: (to Phil) I'll catch up to you later.

Meanwhile, at another table, Dil is playing a guessing game with Tommy, Chuckie and Phil, where he tries to guess what food its smell belongs to, by sniffing it while blindfolded.

Dil: Liverwurst, olives, and peanut butter and cucumber pie. No! Cake! With a hint of red licorice....no, black.

Chuckie: How do you do that? It's like you have a third nostril.

Phil arrives at the table and sits next to Dil.

Dil: Hey, Phil. (sniffs his meal, still blindfolded) Went with the spaghetti, huh?

Phil: Whatever.

Tommy: Hey, where's Lil?

Phil: Over there; she'll "catch up later."

Meanmwhile, Lil, Diane and Brett are chatting at another table.

Diane: Did I tell you about my party this Friday? It's boy-girl, but only the cool ones. And we decided we kinda like you. So you wanna come?

Lil: Sure!

Brett: Don't forget to tell her about you know who.

Lil: Who?

Diane: Your brother. No offense, but he's like "S.I.", as in socially inept.

Brett: Not to mention hygenically challenged.

Back at the other table, Dil continues to play the smelling game, now smelling Phil's armpits.

Dil: Definately fish taco.

The boys laugh hysterically.

Phil: I can't believe Lil missed it!

Back with Lil, Diane and Brett:

Diane: For twins, you two are super different. But in a good way.

Brett: In a really good way.

Diane: So Lil, there is like no chance your brother would like crash my party, is there?

Lil: No way! Phil totally respects my boundaries.

Phil: Hey Lil! You'll never believe it! Dil sniffed my armpit and thought it was fish!

The girls rankle in disgust.

Brett: (slurps up noodles sloppily) That's gross, dude.

The girls sans Lil start to leave.

Phil: Wha-what?!

Lil: Wait Brett, you guys don't have to leave.

Leslie: Like we said, "S.I.".

Lil: You are so socially inept!

Phil: You used to love to play "What's my smell?"

Lil: Like a gazzilion years ago!

Phil: Don't you mean quadrogillion? (Lil turns away angrily) Come on! You're supposed to say "megaquatrillion."

Lil: I am not playing that dumb game.

Phil: You never thought it was dumb before.

Lil: Phillip! Just grow up! (she leaves)

Phil: So your saying I'm immature!?

Dil, no longer wearing a blindfold, smells his shoe.

Dil: Weird-o-rama! It's corinthian leather, but it smells like egg salad!

Phil: That is so immature! (takes the shoe and sniffs it) Cat butt. Duh. (leaves)

Dil: (sniffs it again) Oh yeah.

''Cut to The Java Lava, where Betty is now working as an employee. One of the coffee machines are on the fritz.''

Betty: She's gonna blow!

The machine explodes, as Betty jumps on Chas to duck for cover.

Betty: Chazzy, I am clearly off my game.

Chas: But on my pelvic bone.

Betty: My vacation isn't coming a minute too soon. "Nick and Dick's Twins Canyon Resort" is calling my name.

Chas: (cleans his glasses) Aren't you tired of that place yet?

Betty: Are you off your bean? Bring twins, get in free, you do the math. And I'm telling you Chaz, it's a lap of luxury, times two. For us, vacations and Twins Canyon go together like....Phil and Lil.

Cut to the school's gym, where Coach Pangborn is holding PE class.

Pangborn: And remember, day two of the mandatory President's Physical Fitness Test is tomorrow! Push ups! Pull ups! Sit ups! I want our school to kick this test to the mat!

Tommy and Chuckie are climbing the ropes.

Chuckie: This test is stupid and humilliating! I can't even do the simpliest rope climb.

Tommy: Chuckie, you made it almost to the top.

Chuckie: Only cause Pangborn pushed me halfway up!

Pangborn: Come on ladies! Climb! Climb! Climb!

Chuckie: Why doesn't the president ask me to do an equation or make a diorama?

Tommy: Come on Chuckie, it's just a test. No biggy.

Chuckie: Hugie! It'll be completely embrassing, like phys-ed always is, and tomorrow it'll be the same and the day after that! I am tired of being the uncordinated disaster!

Tommy: Ah stop, Chuckie, your exaggerat...

Chuckie's hands slip and he falls on top of Pangborn, causing him to fall backwards, knocking down the entire class in a domino effect.

Tommy: Okay maybe a little uncordinated.

''Cut to a science class. Teacher Mr. Beaker is about to start.''

Mr. Beaker: Morning. Sit down... (Phil sits at Mr. Beaker's desk) on your chairs this time. Now, ignore my mumbling as I write on the board. Enjoy my back.

Brett: So, Friday night's gonna be prime, huh?

Lil: Yeah, can't wait.

Brett: So anyway, you think you would...

Brett gets hit by a piece of paper; he reads what it says.

Brett: (reading) "There's something hanging from your left nostril. The Snot Sargent." Oh man.

Brett picks his nose.

Phil: Pick me a winner Brett. (laughs)

Lil: (disgusted) Phillip!

Phil: So you wanna play Alien Elimanator after school?

Lil: Get away from me! Now!

Phil: I'll take that as a "maybe"...

Lil looks angry.

Phil: Okay, a "no".

Mr. Beaker: Wonderful. It's time now for everyone's favorite annual event: science projects -- and everyone gets a partner. Brett and Britney, howdy partners. Next the dynamic duo, Phil and Lil. Maybe you two should do a double helix project. Get it? Twins, double. Please hold your applause.

Lil: (slams her hands on the desk, now angry) Why are we partners on every project? It's always Phil and Lil this! Phil and Lil that! Newsflash! We're not two heads on one body! We are just two seperate people who happen to live in the same house. He's Phil and I'm Lil. Two names, seperated by the word "and". I am a thinking, breathing, independent individual and he's... Phil. From now on think about me without Phil! Okay?

Brief pause.

Lil: (yelling) Okay?!

''Later, we cut to Phil & Lil's house, where the twins are in their room. Lil is talking on the phone as Phil bounces a ball off of the wall to her right.''

Lil: Uh-huh, yeah....no way! He actually said that?

Phil: Would you get off the phone?

Lil: (on phone) So what are you gonna wear?

Phil: Lil.

Lil: (on phone) Let me call you back. (hangs up) What do you want?

Phil: I wanna know how long you plan on vacationing on the planet Mondo Weirdo.

Lil: I am not being mondo weird!

Phil: Yes you are! You don't wanna play anything, you're yelling at me, and you're freaking out in front of everyone at school. Just tell me this phase is almost over!

Lil: First of all, I am sorry if I embarrassed you but I meant what I said. Second of all, this isn't a phase! This is real life. I am not doing this twin thing anymore, little brother.

Phil: Little brother! Give me a break! So you're two minutes older.

Lil: Do you know what that is in girl years? Now do you mind?!

Betty and Howard enter the room, holding matching "I'm with my twin" shirts for the twins.

Betty: Okay twinnies, it's that time when you choose which matching outfits your gonna where to Twins Canyon.

Howard: They are our free ticket in.

Betty: They just opened the Vomitator 3. Which of course your father will watch from a safe distance.

Lil: (shocked and horrified upon seeing the shirts) I can't wear those clothes!

Betty: Aw jeez, it was a two for one sale.

Lil: I am not wearing any clothes there.

Howard: But Lil, it's not a nudie place. It's Twins Canyon.

Lil: (angry) Ugh! Twins this, twins that! Phil and Lil! It's never even Lil and Phil! There's too much "we"; not enough "me"! I am not wearing anything to that place because I am not going!

(Phil, Betty, and Howard gasp in shock at her outburst.)

The next day, at the school gym...

Tommy: Ah you guys, you think it's possible to get shin splints in your shoulder?

Phil: Tommy, you're not listening. One minute, we're twins and everything's fine. And the next, it's "me", not "we". I mean, what's up with that?

Dil: Maybe a prehistoric mother worm laid her eggs in Lil's brain.

Chuckie walks in front of them with pride.

Chuckie: Hey, sweat heads.

Tommy: Why weren't you in gym, Chuckie?

Chuckie: I was exercising my right to say no to the President and his stupid test. I made a statement by refusing to show up.

Tommy: (shocked) Chuckie Finster skipped a class?

Chuckie: Actually I was hanging out in the nurse's office.

Tommy: You call pretending you're sick making a statement? Chuckie, this test is important.

Chuckie: Maybe to you. It's like all that stuff we sweated over our whole lives. Remember in third grade, the book report and macaroni box we did? Well guess what. Landfill, Tommy, landfill! And the fourth grade state capital test? Oskosh, Trenton, Timbucktu. Who cares!

Phil: It's like that "e-before-i" thing. Like I'm ever gonna use that.

Tommy: You could get in serious trouble.

Chuckie: So what? I've been humiliated year after year and now my suffering's over! Today I am taking a stand for coordinately-challenged kids eveywhere! (a basketball lands on his head, so Tommy catches him when he falls backwards)

Tommy: And tomorrow?

Chuckie: Tommy, don't ruin my moment.

Cut to the DeVille's house, where Howard is on the phone with a Twins Canyon employee.

Howard: How about one twin half price? One twin dresses as both twins? One twin holding a picture of the other twin?

Betty grabs the phone from Howard.

Betty: (to Howard) Just because one twin wants to assert her independence and doesn't want to come, doesn't mean she doesn't exist. Besides, that leaves an extra seat on the Vomitator Three... (to man on phone) Yeah... well, "tough sticky buns" to you too! Jeez! (hangs up) This is awful.

Howard: I know, we even have to have another set of twins or actually pay for a vacation.

Betty: No Howie, we have a bigger problem than a lost vacation. Our little Lil is uphappy.

Howard: Right.

Betty: She wants to be treated like her own person, and that's fair. Although I am gonna miss seeing you on the Tea Cups of Torture.

Cut to Phil & Lil's room, where she's looking at herself in the mirror, practicing for her appearance at the party.

Lil: Hi Diane, what's up?. Hey Brett, how you doing?

Betty: I'm doing pretty good.

Lil: (flinches) Ahh!

Betty: I get that a lot.

Lil: What's up?

Betty: Look pup, here it is in a nutshell. We want to apolgize for treating you and Philly like a single package all the these years. You gotta cut us some slack, you two came into our world at the same time.

Lil: One of us came two minutes earlier, thank you very much.

Betty: And that same one is growing up a little faster. So lay it on me, what can me and your father do to make you, Lillian Marie Jill DeVille, feel like you have your own identity, huh?

Cut to video arcade, where Phil is playing Alien Elimanator alone.

Video Game: You have been vaporized.

Phil: Anyone here wanna be my co-pilot?

Dil enters, wearing a banana-shaped hat.

Dil: Reporting for duty. Sir!

Phil: Okay, anyone else wanna be my co-pilot?

Dil: Phil, I've been thinking, and it seems we have the same problem -- we're both suddenly twinless.

Phil: Uh, Dil? You've never been a twin.

Dil: Exactly; it's one more thing I can check off my "to do" list. Sure I've never twinned before, but what the heck? Plus it works out; you need a Lil and I'm a Dil.

Phil: F.Y.I. Banana Head, I still have Lil.

Dil: But she bailed. I can be a better twin. More hands on.

The two start playing the game, but Dil ends up knocking Phil over.

Video Game: You have been vaporized.

Dil: We can do this all day, huh twinny?

Phil looks unmused.

Cut to the Deville's house.

Phil: (sees Lil gathering her things) What's going on?

Lil: I'm moving out.

Phil: What?

Lil: Mom and Dad said I could move in to the office "slash" workout room.

Howard: I'll miss that room.

Phil: So your just gonna leave me here by myself? Wasn't anyone gonna tell me?

Betty: Oh boy. Twin problems come in twos. Calm down Philly, Lil gets her own room but think about it, so do you, and the computer stays here. And you finally have room for that basketball hoop you've always wanted, and you can paint the place any color you like, except tangerine cause it makes your father wig out. (Phil looks sad) It's not like you lost her, she's just across the hall.

Howard: Ow!

Betty: Snap out of it Howie, setting up my thighinator machine is a lot harder that plugging in your calculator.

After they leave, Phil sorrowfully looks at pictures of him an Lil when they were younger -- during elementary school, then pre-school, and when they were 1 3/4 year old Rugrats.

''The next day, we meet Phil & Dil at the front of the school; Dil is still willing to keep up his substitute twin charade. He is wearing a trenchcoat.''

Dil: Hey brother, let's get busy. Okay, ready -- who am I?

''Dil removes his trenchcoat and fedora to reveal he's wearing the exact same thing Phil, down to his hair. Then he starts to walk in a silly way.''

Phil: I don't look like that. And I don't walk like that.

Dil: Hey who know's better than your twin? So I thought we could bond over some before-school spitting.

Phil: Nah, that's kind of mine and Lil's thing. She's the champ, she once hocked it across the street.

Dil: Okay, we won't spit, but hey, it's time for shirts!

Dil holds up two shirts identical to Phil and Lil's baby duck shirts, then he holds up a camera, getting ready to take a picture.

Dil: Say twins!

Cut to a school hallway, where Chuckie is loitering at the lockers.

Tommy: So where you hiding out today? Janitor's closet?

Chuckie: No, I told you, I am publically refusing to take that test.

Pangborn: Come on Ladies!

Chuckie: Uh-oh here comes Pangborn, I'll be hiding in the bathroom. (heads for the bathroom)

Cut to outside; Phil is doing sit-ups while Dil holds down his ankles for him.

Dil: I know what your thinking, cause I got that twin ESP thing going.

Phil: Okay, what am I thinking?

Dil: That this twin thing is working. (holds his hand up for a high-five) Meet me up top!

Phil: Dil, we gotta slow this twin thing down. It's not like your not trying. I mean that mash potato sculpture of us arm in arm was pretty cool. I hated to eat it.

Dil: You ate the sculpture?

Phil: I saved the ears. They're in the freezer.

Dil: Say no more. In the world of twins, when you eat the potato sclupture, you've said good bye.

Phil: Uh, I guess your right.

Dil: It's okay, I understand. It's time I was moving on. Somewhere out there are real twins, yearning to make me their triplet. (walks away)

Phil: (quietly) Yes!

As Chuckie peeks out the window in the boys' bathroom, the PE class test starts.

Pangborn: Ladies, come on! Come on! Come on! (walks up to Tommy and Phil, where they're doing push-ups) Where's Finster?

''Cut to the boy's bathroom, where Chuckie is hiding out. He stands on a toilet seat, so he can look out the window, but he loses his balance, so he grabs a pipe overhead -- which breaks and started to flood the bathroom.''

Tommy: Uh when you say Finster, do you mean Elliot Finster, or Fritzi Finster, or, or, Four Finger Finster?

Pangborn: Can it Pickles! Or should I say, jar it!?

Tommy: Ha ha ha! Good joke, sir. Never heard that one before.

Back in the bathroom, Chuckie wraps his legs around the pipe, to try to stop the water from flooding, but to no avail.

Chuckie: Help!

Outside, Lil is talking to Diane.

Lil: So my outfit for the party is all set. It's hanging in my room. Did I tell you I got my own room?

Diane: Way to go girl!

Pangborn continues to look for Chuckie.

Pangborn: Finster, come out, come out where ever you are.

Back in the bathroom, Chuckie clings to dear life, out of fear.

Chuckie: I never thought it would end like this, I wonder what they'll say about me in the school paper? I wonder what picture they'll use? I hope it's one from before I got my braces.

Chuckie looks down and sees what looks like a shark fin.

Chuckie: Oh look a shark... (frightened) A shark? (screams)

Then, Pangborn pops out of the water,with the "fin" actually his clipboard.

Pangborn: Finster! What happened? What are you doing in here?

Chuckie: Drowning, sir. Oh, and not taking the test.

Pangborn: Of course you're not, I can see that. I can also see some of the best controsity and physicallity since I wrestled a Boise Bloodletter in '88. One heck of a match.

Chuckie: Um, Mr. Pangborn, could you help me down please?

Pangborn: Oh right.

Later, outside, Tommy talks with Chuckie, who still has his arms raised.

Tommy: You held it for over an hour? That's amazing Chuckie!

Chuckie: (wrings out a bit of his hair) Yep, and I think by tomorrow I'll be able to put my arms down. (a small, yellow bird perches on his left hand)

Tommy: What you did was probably even harder than the Presidential Fitness Test.

Pangborn: Okay Finster, take a day for your arms to heal.

Chuckie: (gives two thumbs-ups) Thanks Mr. Pangborn.

Pangborn: I'll just plan on you taking the test tomorrow.

Chuckie: (bends down in disappointment) Oh.

Later, at the DeVille's, Diane comes over to Pick up Lil for the party.

Howard: Lil, there's someone here for you!

Diane: Hey girlfriend! You look awesome.

Lil: Thanks, you too. Let's hit it.

Howard: Well I think you two both look awesome and... and "rad".

Betty & Phil come into what is now just Phil's bedroom.

Phil: We got some really cool posters and a model.

Lil: We'll we're going to the party now. Bye.

Phil: Don't shoot punch out your nose! (laughs)

Betty: Have fun. Call if you need us.

Howard: Worried?

Betty: Nah, she's growing up just fine.

Cut to the party at Diane's place.

Lil: Great party, Diane.

Diane: Thanks. I opened all the bags of chips myself.

Lil: What a workout.

Diane: You're funny. I'm so glad I invited you.

Lil: Yeah me too.

Leslie: All the right kids are here.

Diane: Yeah. No lame-brains or dorks. Oh by the way, where is your brother tonight?

Lil: Not here!

Diane: He really is a boob isn't he?

Leslie: My vote is for immature slob.

Brett: Are you talking about Phil? He's like totally obnoxious in class.

Lil: Not all the time.

Diane: Not to mention gross and smelly.

Leslie: This is fun! And he's really goofy looking too.

Lil: Not like I'm standing up for him or anything, but it's sometimes fun to be gross. And you know Phil and I are twins so if you thinks he's goofy looking, than I guess you think I am too.

Diane: No.

Leslie: No way.

Brett: We weren't saying that.

Leslie: It's not like you don't know this, right? I mean, Phil is kind of a jerk.

Lil: Hey! I can call him a jerk or a slob, but you guys can't. You don't even know him! He can actually be cool sometimes and fun and funny and loyal.

Brett: Sorry. We didn't mean....

Lil: The twin thing is a really strong bond and kind of magnetic. Like I can feel it right now! Great party, thanks, gotta go!

Lil leaves.

''Cut to Phil's room. Lil just got back home.''

Lil: Hey.

Phil: Hey, what are you doing back?

Lil: I just felt like coming home. You okay?

Phil: Yes, Dr. Lil. I'm fine, kinda doing my own thing, you know being "me" not "we".

Lil: I just wanted to say....you will always be my twin. I just need my own space. And now we both got some. So everything cool with us.

Phil: Yeah.

Lil: Good, cause we're gonna need each other to get into Twins Canyon.

Phil: Yeah! Now get out of my room!

Lil leans over and kisses Phil on the cheek.

Phil: Ewww. (smiles)

''Sometime later, we return to Phil & Lil's house, where they, Tommy, Dil & Chuckie are watching vacation videos. Lil narrates.''

Lil: Here we are on our oh-so-glorious vacation at Twins Canyon, wearing our happening outfits.

Dil: Would've looked better on me.

Phil: This section is called "Howard Hurls". He shoots... (Howard vomits into a trashcan) he scores!

Tommy and Chuckie give each other high fives.

Phil: That's nothing, check this one out. The Vomitator delievered!

Lil: Meanwhile, I was doing what your supposed to do on vacation. Absolutely nothing.

Phil: It's like what she does best.

Lil Throws some chips at Phil.

Lil: We did promise our parents we do one activity together.

Cut to tape.

Phil:Is this gonna be some girl thing I'm really gonna hate?

Lil: You'll see.

''Cut to Phil and Lil sitting in a mud bath. Then cut back to the gang watching it.''

Phil: It turned out to be pretty cool.

Cut back to tape.

Lil: See Phil I know what you like.

Phil: Oh and you don't?

Lil: Well some habits are hard to break.

On the video, Phil and Lil begin throwing mud at each other, while in the living room, a food fight breaks out as we fade out.

The End

'Transcript © 2003 Steve Mindykowski. Portions of this transcript originated at http://hometown.aol.com/briteeyezangel/ .'

Quotes © 2003 Viacom.