Home Movies/Transcript

(The episode begins on some close-ups of Super-8mm film running through a movie projector. We can see the film is of Tommy crawling on the floor happily. But then the film begins to get caught in the projector and jam. Stu, watching what's happening, lets out a high-pitched scream and attempts to fix things. We see that the setting is at Drew and Charlotte's house. Drew and Charlotte sit on a sofa as Stu tries fixing the projector, as Didi, Lou, Howard, Betty, the kids, Chas, Minka and Boris are there. Boris is clutching his chest and faking a heart attack...)

Boris: My heart! My heart! (collapses on the floor, wheezing, and then lies face up.)

Betty: Mr. Kropotkin, are you all right?!

Minka: Ah, he's just playing games. He does it all the time.

Boris: (gets up) Minka, please! Please let me go home! I'm an old person. I've only got so much time left!

Minka: Boris! This is your son-in-law's home movies! Be a mensch and suffer through it.

Boris: Echh!

Minka: "Echh" yourself.

(As Stu continues fixing the projector, Charlotte talks on her phone...)

Charlotte: Oh yes, there IS something worse than a hostile buyout, Jonathan. (softly into phone) I'm about to watch my brother-in-law's home movies.

Stu: Folks, in just a moment, the home movies will be ready to roll! (his tie gets caught in the projector mechanism)

Chuckie: Hey Tommy, what's "home movies?"

Tommy: Well, my dad sure is happy about it. It must be something really really fun!

Lil: Maybe "home movies" is when you move to a new home like Susie did.

Phil: Naw, that doesn't sound like any fun. Maybe it's when you move around all the furniture in your home!

Lil: That's supposed to be fun? I'd rather get diaper rash.

Chuckie: I got it! Maybe "home movies" is when your house gets up and starts moving around like it's alive!

Angelica: You babies get dumber and dumber every day.

Tommy: Well OK, Angelica, you're bigger than us. What's "home movies?"

Angelica: (sighs) Home movies is like television except nobody really wants to watch 'em.

Tommy: Then why do they?

Angelica: They have to. It's the law!

(Stu walks in front of the movie screen...)

Stu: May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please? Welcome to Stu Pickle's "Cinema-Domestique."

(The other adults groan.)

Stu: Drew, if you please.

(Drew turns the lights out, Stu starts playing mood muzak on a record player, and turns on the projector. On the screen, Didi is seen packing up things into suitcases...)

Stu: There's Didi, packing for our vacation to the Grand Canyon.

(Didi smiles and waves at the camera. Back in reality...)

Lou: Oh, it's going to be a long night...

Angelica: (to the other babies) Come on, cottonheads.

Tommy: Where are we going?

Angelica: Shh! Don't ask questions. Just come on!

(On screen, Stu is aiming his movie camera at a mirror, waving around...)

Stu: That's just me goofing around before our trip to the Grand Canyon.

(Boris tugs his shirt collar while watching...)

Boris: Help me. Help me.

(On screen, we see Stu, Lou and Didi, holding Tommy, wave at the camera, next to the car with the luggage already on top.)

Stu: And there we are in front of our car, getting ready to go on a trip to the Grand Canyon!

(The camera aims at the sun, and a lens flare occurs. Back in reality...)

Chas: I wanna go home.

(The kids crawl underneath Chaz's chair, unnoticed. On screen, the car pulls out of the driveway and out of sight...)

Stu: That's us pulling out of the driveway... and, here I am coming back for the camera...

(On screen, Stu walks up to the camera, and then the screen tints red with black specks moving upward. In reality, Boris dials into a phone...)

Boris: Hello, Dr. Kevorkian?!

(The kids crawl up the stairs. In Angelica's room, the babies are seated in front of an easel, as Angelica dumps her box of crayons onto the floor...)

Tommy: Angelica, you still haven't told us what we're doing.

Angelica: We're makin' home movies!

Tommy: How are we gonna do that? We don't even have one of those "pro-jester" machines!

Angelica: Just let me handle this, OK?

(Angelica momentarily leaves, and comes back in pulling a briefcase full of printer paper with stock markings and diagrams on it.)

Tommy: Angelica, you sure you can play with that paper?

Angelica: Sure, it's just my dad's work papers. (she places the blank side on the easel, and clears her throat) May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please? It's time for Angelica Pickles's famous home movies! (singing fanfare) Daaaaa, daaaaa, daaaaa, TA-DAAAH! OK, now close your eyes!

Tommy: But why, Angelica? How are we gonna...

Angelica: I said, CLOSE YOUR EYES!

(The babies close their eyes, and Angelica begins humming a longer fanfare as she turns out her lamp and gets out a flashlight...)

Angelica: ''Bum, bum! Bum, bum! Bum, bum! Bum, bum...''

Chuckie: (uncovers his eyes) I don't like this, Tommy! It's dark in here!

Angelica: QUIET! And don't open those eyes until I say so!

(We see from Chuckie's point of view, as he closes his eyes and everything is black, as Angelica sings her fanfare again...)

Angelica: Daaaaaaa, which is, daaaaaaa, right, daaaaaaa, now!

(Chuckie opens his eyes, and we see Angelica standing in front of her easel with the flashlight shining on it...)

Angelica: ''TA-DAAAAAAAAH! ''OK, this is my house! (she reveals a crayon drawing of her house; the babies look at each other) You're supposed to say "OOOH" AND "AAAH!"

Babies: (simultaneously) Oooh, aaah!

(Angelica shows a drawing of Fluffy, rendered in crayons as a gray cat with red legs, blue bows in her hair, and a red wiggly smiley face...)

Angelica: And this is my cat Fluffy, and this is my doll Cynthia. (her drawing depicts a crayon-rendered Cynthia with a yellow face, red hair, a green triangle body with blue legs and big hands...) And this is me, Angelica Pickles; the prettiest, most beautiful-est kid in the whole universe! (the next drawing shows a simple crayon rendering of Angelica, with a purple triangle body, blue legs, and a yellow head with two pigtails. Angelica scribbles the following onto her with her crayons...) And this is my pretty dress, and my pretty shoes, and my pretty crown, and...

Tommy: But Angelica, you don't have a crown.

Angelica: Hey, this is MY home movies! And if I say I have a crown, then I have a crown, OK?! Now, where was I? Oh yeah...

(The drawing moves down to reveal a series of drawings of a red square outline, that then comes to life in animation, as Angelica's window, which opens...)

Angelica: (narrating) And this is me, in my beautiful room...

(In the home movie, we see Angelica, now without a more simplified design and faceless, lying in her bed as stuffed animals surround it, and "Me" in blue appears above her. Angelica wakes up in her drawing and yawns and stretches as the "Me" and dolls disappear...)

Angelica: (narrating) Every day when I get up, I get out of my covers and stand on my bed and greet the day!

(The Angelica drawing stands on her bed and waves at the sun in the sky as a rooster crows. The sun briefly smiles back at her. Then she jumps off her bed...)

Angelica: Daddy, daddy, DADDY!

(A small, simply-drawn crayon figure runs in with a blank face, a black body and blue legs, representing Drew...)

Drew: Yes my little darling, my dumpling, my pumpkin pie? (hugs Angelica's leg)

Angelica: (shakes Drew off her leg) Get me my breakfast, right now!

(The small Drew figure re-enters with trays of crayon-rendered food, such as cakes, cookies and candies...)

Angelica: (narrating) And then my daddy brings me breakfast in bed. And I get to eat anything I want!

(A drawing of an ice cream cone gets yellow "syrup" spread over it...)

Angelica: (narrating) I eat ice cream and cake with lots of syrup over everything!

(The syrup-covered ice cream cone floats off the tray into Angelica's big pink mouth, where it breaks up into little pieces that are sucked downward, accompanied by the sounds of Angelica eating. Back in reality...)

Chuckie: (stands up) Hey, Angelica! I've been over to your house for breakfast, and YOU don't eat stuff like that!

Angelica: QUIET, MORTAL! (Chuckie sits back down) And then, my mommy comes in!

(In the home movie, a big green-and-orange figure representing Charlotte makes a cameo appearance, holding a big gray old-fashioned telephone receiver...)

Charlotte: Hello, Jonathan? It's me. Get me lots of money, Jonathan. Lots and lots of money so I can buy lots of toys for my beautiful daughter! Hurry, hurry, my daughter gets only the best! (she kisses the top of Angelica's head a few times) Lots of money. Lots of toys for Angelica!

(She begins piling multicolored scribbles, representing toys, next to Angelica...)

Angelica: (narrating) And then my mommy gives me everything I want, and my dad keeps giving me food!

(The small Drew begins piling simply-drawn cupcakes around Angelica, and the cupcakes and "toys" all multiply and begin to form the shape of the bottom half of the Angelica figure's body...)

Drew: More cupcakes, cupcake?

Angelica: Yeah, keep em' comin'!

(The toy and cupcake Angelica figure then morphs into Angelica's pink body with yellow legs, which grows bigger and bigger...)

Angelica: (narrating) And I eat and eat, and I keep eating and keep eating and soon...

(The now-giant Angelica figure swings her legs around, cackling and walking away from the even-smaller Drew figure. Then little figures representing the babies appear next to her...)

Angelica: (voice echoing) Hiya, babies! Ready for me to STOMP on ya'? (laughs diabolically as she raises her leg...)

(Chuckie turns the light on, interrupting Angelica...)

Chuckie: No, no, don't do it!

Angelica: Hey! This is MY home movies, and if I want to stomp you, I can!

Tommy: But Angelica, that's not how things really are!

Phil: Yeah, you're not that big!

Angelica: So?

Lil:  And your dad's not that small!

Angelica: So?

Chuckie: And the sky's not orange!

Angelica: (handing Chuckie a light-blue crayon) Okay. If you're so smart, here! Let's see your home movies.

Chuckie: (nervous) But... I can't.

Tommy: Go ahead, Chuckie.

Lil: Yeah. Yours can't be any worse than Angelica's.

Chuckie: Well, (picking up the crayon and walking to the easel) okay, I'll try. (He picks up a small board.) Close your eyes.

(The rest of the group does so as he begins drawing.)

Angelica: Oh, boy, this is gonna be a laugh. Chuckie can't draw his way out of a paper bag.

Tommy: Why would he want to?

(Phil takes a little peek as Chuckie finishes drawing. The finished drawing is imposed on a black chalkboard.)

Chuckie: Okay, I'm ready. This is my world, and welcome to it.

(The rest of the group now have their eyes open.)

Angelica: (walking to the easel and picking up the board) What happened? Did somebody turn out the lights?

Chuckie: No, that's the sky and that's the ground.

Angelica: You call that a sky?

Chuckie: Of course not. You're holding it upside down.

(Chuckie rotates the board so that the blue markings representing the sky are on top and the green scribbles representing grass are on the bottom.)

Chuckie: Well, anyway... (places the chalkboard onto the easel) Like I said, this is the sky, and this is the ground, and this is me!

(The drawing now comes to life in animation. As Chuckie's arm moves away, a stick figure representing Chuckie with red hair and glasses and a sad frown walks into the picture with a small raincloud pouring on him. A second stick figure with the same features but slightly bigger materializes behind Chuckie, also with his own raincloud...)

Chuckie: (narrating) And this is my dad. Every day, me and my dad walk down the street to Tommy's house.

(We now see crudely-drawn trees go by, representing what Chuckie sees as he walks on...)

Chuckie: (narrating) And on the way, there's a lot of really scary stuff. There's Mrs. Krapchik's poodle, Muffin...

(A lavender ball of fur with dog ears and a leash pokes out from behind the tree and bounces up to the camera as dog sounds are heard. The "dog" then licks the screen, and amongst the red scribbles representing the tongue a black square zooms up with another tree inside...)

Chuckie: (narrating) And some giant bluebirds that live in the tree on the corner!

(Out of the tree come blue bat-like creatures that fly around squawking like blue jays, with one of them flying right into the camera with its' fanged mouth overtaking the screen. An opening forms inside the orange scribbles representing the "bird"'s throat and then reveals a green ball with a fanged mouth and frog legs jumping around and croaking like a frog...)

Chuckie: (narrating) And sometimes, we even see this really mean, terrible frog!

(The "frog" hops away with one last echoing croak, and then a simply-drawn yellow house zooms up...)

Chuckie: (narrating) But somehow, we get past them all and finally make it to Tommy's house!

(The camera goes through the doorway of the house to reveal a stick-figure superhero in an orange outfit with a "T" symbol on his chest, a blue cape, and a head resembling Tommy's rendered in blue.)

Angelica: Him?! You gotta be kiddin'. (walks up to the easel) If that's Tommy, then I'm the Queen of English!

Tommy: (walking up to the easel) I don't know, Angelica. It does look a little like me.

Angelica: (dryly) Yeah, the part with no hair.

(The drawing becomes animated again as the superhero Tommy looks up at the top of his head and grows long yellow hair. The Chuckie stick figure stands next to Super Tommy and they smile at each other...)

Chuckie: (narrating) So, anyway, like I was sayin', me and Tommy play all day.

(Super Tommy picks up Chuckie and they fly off. It then fades to the two of them standing in a sandbox, and then three colorful monster rise up from behind them...)

Chuckie: (narrating) Sometimes we go into the sandbox and Tommy fights the monsters.

(Super Tommy sends each of the monsters flying with one blow from his fist. The scene then changes to a set of doors that open to reveal Super Tommy flying amongst ghoulish-looking creatures...)

Chuckie: (narrating) And sometimes we go into his closet and Tommy fights the ghosts!

(As several ghostly creatures float around and moan, Super Tommy plows right into them. One of the ghouls appears to eat Tommy, but then opens his mouth and dematerializes as Super Tommy resumes flying around and beating at the spectres while making fighting vocal sounds. Another one of the "ghosts" flies right into the camera and breaks up among overtaking the screen to reveal blackness.)

Chuckie: (narrating) And sometimes we go into the kitchen and Tommy doesn't fight anybody.

(A doorway appears amidst the blackness, and the camera goes through it to reveal Super Tommy standing at the refrigerator. He opens the door and several foods and drinks fly right out of the refrigerator at the camera.)

Chuckie: (narrating) He just gets me some snacks, cause he's my friend.

''(A watermelon bounces out of the refrigerator and then morphs into the planet Earth that Super Tommy is standing on top of, looking bold and heroic.)

Chuckie: (narrating) Tommy, "fender" of truth, "hummus" and the American cheese!

(We go back to reality as Chuckie stands happily against his chalkboard drawing of Super Tommy standing on Earth.)

Angelica: Oh, brother, Chuckie. That was the dumbest home movies ever! (Chuckie looks disappointed)

Tommy: No it wasn't, Angelica! It was the best home movies I ever seen!

(Chuckie smiles.)

Angelica: (walks up to Tommy) Okay, happy boy, if you're so right all the time, let's see YOUR home movies! (hands Tommy some crayons)

Tommy: Well, I...

Phil: Come on, Tommy!

Lil: (clapping excitedly) Do it, do it!

Angelica: Come on. Put your monkey where your mouth is, pipsqueak!

Tommy: (thinks a bit and takes the crayons) Okay, I'll do it! But I warn you: it's not gonna be pretty. (walks up to the easel) I don't have all my motor skills yet. Ready? Close your eyes.

(Tommy draws a small red scribble in the center of another set of work papers.)

Tommy: Okay, open your eyes!

Angelica: (surprised) That's it?

Tommy: (pointing to the red scribble) This is me... (draws a tall purple scribble to the left of the small red scribble) And this is my mom... (draws a tall blue scribble to the right of the red one) And this is my dad... (draws a yellow oval outline around the three scribbles) And this is our house where we live.

Lil: (dancing happily) Keep going, Tommy! Keep going!

Phil: (also dancing) Yeah, this is the best!

Tommy: Okay. Well, every day when I wake up...

(Tommy's scribbles come to life in animation. The small red scribble representing Tommy jumps onto a horizontal yellow scribble representing Spike, accompanied by the sounds of Spike's footsteps and barking.)

Tommy: (narrating) ...my dog Spike comes into the room and gets me out of my crib, and I jump on Spike's and ride downstairs.

(The Tommy and Spike scribbles move around and leap down some invisible stairs as the sounds of Spike barking and Tommy's usual giggling are heard. Then the Tommy scribble gets off of the Spike scribble and starts crawling around like an inchworm as the Spike scribble shrinks and disappears...)

Tommy: (narrating) And when we get to the bottom, Spike lets me off, and I crawl around the house until it's time for breakfast when my mom gives me a big bowl of mush.

(The purple vertical scribble representing Didi enters the screen, accompanied by the sound of Didi's footsteps.)

Angelica: (voiceover) THAT'S mush?!

Tommy: (narrating) No, that's my mom. (a large orange scribble begins to grow underneath the Tommy scribble) That's the mush!

(The Tommy scribble sucks up all the "mush" as the Didi scribble shrinks and vanishes.)

Tommy: (narrating) Anyway, after breakfast, Phil and Lil come over!

(Two small blue scribbles representing Phil and Lil enter the scene.)

Phil: (voiceover) Hey! That's me, that's me!

Angelica: (voiceover) How can you tell?

Lil: (voiceover) Cause I'm the one with the bow!

(A small pink dot appears on the blue scribble closer to the right, designating it as Lil. Then the three scribbles all roll around the screen together, making the sounds of the three babies laughing...)

Tommy: (narrating) And then we play together and play and play and play. And nothing could be more fun until... Chuckie comes over!

(As the Tommy, Phil and Lil scribbles crawl around a bit, a tall green scribble enters the scene...)

Chuckie: (voiceover, amazed) I look like that?

Tommy: (narrating) Sure, Chuckie. You're a bigger kid than me!

Chuckie: (voiceover) Wow!

(The four scribbles representing Tommy, Phil, Lil and Chuckie then bounce on each other and up and down, and then move around the screen a bit and then join together and roll around to create a colorful spiral, making the sounds of the four babies laughing happily.)

Tommy: (narrating) And we all play together and have lots of fun!

Phil: (voiceover) Ahh, now this is what I call home movies!

Lil: (voiceover) I told you he has talent.

(The four scribbles representing the babies move towards the camera and then away from it, separating and then starting to stack up on one another...)

Tommy: (narrating) And then sometimes, we gotta do stuff that's really important. Like sometimes, we gotta get the cookies off the counter.

(As the four baby scribbles topple over, crude crayon renditions of chocolate chip cookies start raining down. A really large cookie overtakes the screen, and then the four baby scribbles start to push it away as they move a purple horizontal scribble representing Tommy's wagon...)

Tommy: (narrating) Or sometimes, we gotta pull the wagon up the stairs.

(The baby scribbles struggle and strain to move the wagon scribble up as thumping sounds are heard, and among reaching the top left of the screen they hop on top of the "wagon" and start riding around as the sound of squeaking wheels are heard.)

Tommy: (narrating) Or sometimes...

(The four baby scribbles hop off the wagon scribble and start to move forward, but then bump into the huge leg of Angelica's crayon rendition of herself from her own home movie...)

Tommy: (narrating) Hey, Angelica, what are you doing here?

Angelica: (voice echoing) Leave me out of your home movies, huh?! Well, I'm gonna do what I should've done a long time ago!

(The Angelica figure starts to stomp after the baby figures as they try to avoid her, walking away from the camera. The green Chuckie scribble suddenly morphs into Chuckie's stick-figure rendition of himself, complete with storm cloud raining over him.)

Chuckie: (bawling) WAAAAAAAAAAH-HAA-HAA-HAA-HAA-HAA-HAAAAAAAH! Help, Tommy! Help!

(Out from the scribbles representing the three other babies comes Chuckie's superhero rendition of Tommy, complete with long yellow hair, and he leaps up and starts fighting with the huge Angelica figure. It is clear that Tommy, Chuckie and Angelica are now all drawing on the same "home movie" together. The Super Tommy and Angelica figures move closer to the camera and then dissolve into a colorful spiral of scribbles. Back in reality, Didi and Betty open the door to Angelica's bedroom to find the kids all at the easel laughing and making noise...)

Didi: What's going on in here?

Angelica: (hiding a crayon behind her back) Nothing, Aunt Didi. It's just that the babies...

Betty: (picking up one of the work papers Tommy scribbled on) Hey, Deed, look at this.

Angelica: (nervously) I didn't do 'em! I didn't do 'em!

Didi: (holding up another work paper) Wow, these are really good.

Angelica: Well, I did do those.

(Back down in the living room, all the adults are admiring the kids' artwork and talking excitedly at once.)

Drew: (looking at Angelica's drawing of Fluffy) Oh, Angelica honey, it's a masterpiece! What a great tree.

Angelica: That's not a tree, Daddy. That's Fluffy!

(Drew lifts up the drawing to find text and graphs and charts from his work.)

Drew: (gasps in horror) The BAXTER ACCOUNT!

Minka: (looking at artwork with Boris) Oh, this is wonderful.

Boris: And now we don't have to watch any more home movies!

Chas: (admiring one of Chuckie's chalkboard drawings) Hey everybody, look how Chuckie rendered the sky!

(Stu stands behind the others holding a film reel, trying to get their attention...)

Stu: Okay, everybody. Intermission's over! I said, we can go back to the show! (looking down) I sai-

(Stu notices Tommy's scribble drawings, picks them up and admires them...)

Stu: Hey... this is pretty good. Wow, I love this.

(Stu leans and picks up Tommy holding a blue crayon in one hand while holding the papers in the other.)

Stu: (to Didi) Hey, look at the way he's got that. It's like a steamroller coming out of the kitty's face...

Boris: We could show this to twelve people!

(As they speak, we zoom out of the living room at everyone admiring the babies' home movies, and then fade to zooming out of Angelica's crayon rendering of her house from her "home movies" as animated smoke scribbles come out of the chimney. The following text appears in the same typeface usually used for the show's title cards and credits, crediting the children of the show's creative team that supplied the kids' artwork: "For kids' art designs, special thanks to: Adrien, Albina, Brandon, Chloe, Cyril, Jarrett, Kerry, Kyle & Olga.")