Momma Trauma/Transcript

''[Tommy is humming while drawing on the walls. Tommy gasps.]''

Tommy: Beautiful!

''[Didi catches Tommy drawing on the walls. She becomes concerned about his behavior, and makes an appointment to meet with a psychologist downtown in order to discuss Tommy's potential problems with him drawing on the walls.]''

Stu: I can't believe you talked me into this, Deed. You know I don't believe in shrinks

Didi: Dr. Lepetomaine is not a shrink. He's a highly respected child psychologist. I've read all his books, and we're very lucky he fit us into his schedule

Stu: There's nothing wrong with Tommy

Didi: How could you say that? What Tommy did today proves that he doesn't have a proper outlet for his social anxieties

Stu: Deed, he's a year old

Didi: You don't want him to be repressed, do you?

[Tommy throws his bottle in the air.]

Stu: I just want to say this whole thing really bugs me and once we get in there I don't care what happens I'm not saying anything

[They're standing in front of Mr. Lepetomaine's office door.]

Didi: Here we are

[At the psychiatrist's office.]

Didi: He keeps drawing on walls Mr. Lepetomaine, just like you describe in your book, young for the young

[The psychologist secretly ignores her.]

Mr. Lepetomaine: Hmm. I see

Didi: I'm thinking it could be neurotic regression or maybe an underdeveloped psychokinetic gland

Mr. Lepetomaine: Hmm. I see

Didi: Maybe it's just a case of misplaced transference

Stu: Oh, brother

Mr. Lepetomaine: Is something bothering you, Mr. Pickles?

Stu: Yeah, something's bothering me. There's no reason for us to be here I have no idea what Didi's talking about and all you do is sit there and say, "I see"

Mr. Lepetomaine: I see

Stu: Tell me something is there an emergency exit or is this door the only way out?

Mr. Lepetomaine: Tell me, Mr. Pickles would you describe yourself as a happy man?

Stu: Oh, gee...I don't know. I guess so. I never really thought about it before

Mr. Lepetomaine: I see

[Since no one is looking, Tommy leaves the office to explore the rest of the building.]

Tommy: Ooh. Ooh

-Hmm! Consarned new-fangled contraptions with their wee bar hoses. Give me a good old-fashioned dirt sucker any day. I told them to put one of them things in but would they listen to me? No way they listen. I told them time and time again you got to consult an expert and I'm an expert

''[The mop bucket moves with Tommy on it. Tommy yells. The handle presses the number 6 button.]''

-Hey!

[In the elevator.]

Tommy: Wow

''[Tommy gets out of the elevator. Tommy stands in front of Sockem Suem and Marshall Law office door.]''

Mr. Marshall: Have you found it yet, Prescott?

Prescott: I'm looking, I'm looking

Mr. Marshall: If we don't find that case precedent fast an innocent man will go to jail

Prescott: I found it, Mr. Marshall! I found it!

Mr. Marshall: Prescott! This is it! The case we've been looking for! You're brilliant!

''[Tommy walks off. Tommy opens a door and sees a painter.]''

-Oh, Mrs. Chesapeake I can't wait for you to see your portrait. You've been such a wonderful model

Mrs. Chesapeake: Oh, I'm so excited! Can I open my eyes now?

-Not yet. I want the light to be perfect

Mrs. Chesapeake: Now?

-Not yet. We need more...ambiance

''[Music is playing. Kids are giggling. Tommy first enrages a woman who has had her portrait painted (though not completely accurately) by stepping on a tube of black paint that spatters on the canvas in a way that looks like she's been painted with a mustache.]''

Mrs. Chesapeake: Now?

-Wait. Let me get into position. I want to see your face when you first set eyes upon it

Mrs. Chesapeake: Now?!

-Yes. Now. Now, now, now!

''[Mrs. Chesapeake screams. Tommy secretly joins a group of kids that gather with their parents in a different office. Tommy crawls to a boy.]''

Tommy: Hey, what's going on here anyway?

Boy: Oh, hang around. It's great. They give you toys to play with

Tommy: Wow

-Parents, children, may I have your attention, please? May I have your attention, please?! MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE?! Thank you. Now I'm sure you all realize that we're gathered here today to test a new toy for that oh-so-fickle preadolescent market. Introducing super blasto man. A fun new toy for all ages

''[These children, it turns out, are used to gauge the potential success of would-be new toys. This time they're going to play with "Super Blasto Man", a toy robot the children find thoroughly uninteresting.]''

-Now, don't hold back, kids. Anything you want to do with super blasto is all right with us. Just, uh...go crazy

[A man walks up to Tommy.]

Man: And here's a super blasto man for you, little boy. And this is what super blasto can shoot out of the launch pad in his stomach

''[The man leaves Tommy with the toy. Tommy pulls the rubber ball out of the center of the toy's chest and begins to play with it instead.]''

Boy: Hey, look what that kid did

[The boy also takes the ball out of the center of the toy's chest and begins to play with it.]

Boy: That's neat

[The other children catch on and start to play with the rubber balls of their toys, too.]

-Wait, wait! That's not how you're supposed to play with super blasto man

[Tommy throws the ball and starts fallowing it.]

Tommy: Whoa

[At the stairs.]

Tommy: Uh-oh

[Tommy goes into the elevator.]

-Are you sure he came out here?

-Where else could he go?

-That toy's top secret. If we don't get it back we'll both lose our jobs

-You go that way, I'll go this way

[In a different hallway.]

-What's going on in this here building anyway? You turn around one minute and dang flab elevator's gone and you turn around again...hey, where's the consarn plug in? Don't tell me that little pink piece of...driving me crazy all the time. They're moving everything around

[Tommy grabs the ball.]

Tommy: Got it

-Hey, there's the dagnab thing. I knew it all along...

[Tommy turns the vacuum on by accident while the man plugs the vacuum in.]

-Got it!

[The vacuum starts moving.]

Tommy: Whoa! Whoa!

''[The vacuum crashes into two people. Tommy rides past the psychologist's office.]''

Stu: Drew was always poking at me, and poking at me and poking at me. And then...he'd always deny it

[Stu is crying.]

Didi: Stu, honey I never realized you felt this way. All those hidden conflicts with your older brother Drew

Stu: It's true. It's true!

Didi: Oh, Stu, darling. I feel so close to you now

''[Mr. Lepetomaine is snoring. With Tommy. The vacuum stops and Tommy goes flying into the mail. With the man who is now tangled with vacuum.]''

-Ghosts. That's what it is. Ghosts

''[Somebody is pushing the mail with Tommy in it. Tommy returns back to Mr. Lepetomaine's office.]''

-Mail for Dr. Lepetomaine

-Over there

-Natalie, want to go out with me tomorrow night?

-Not for all the gold in China

-How about for a chili dog, two cokes and raisinettes?

-What time can you pick me up?

[Tommy crawls while holding the ball back in the room with his parents and Mr. Lepetomaine.]

Stu: And that's when I realized that I was a late bloomer

''[Mr. Lepetomaine is still snoring.]''

Stu: I was an ugly duckling who had become a swan a year or two later than the other kids

''[The psychologist's timer goes off. He wakes up.]''

Mr. Lepetomaine: Your 55 minutes are up

Stu: I was just getting started. What about my psychosomatic cravings?

Mr. Lepetomaine: We can talk more next week can't we, Miss Pickles?

Didi: But what about Tommy?

[Stu, Didi and Tommy are leaving the office.]

Stu: You were right, Didi. That man is not a shrink. He's a...a...a genius

Didi: I'm not so sure about his qualifications

Stu: Deed, I think because of our experience with Dr. Lepetomaine we've learned to express ourselves and to communicate with each other

[On the bottom floor.]

Stu: ...And pay attention to each other and never take our family for granted again

Didi: Hmm

[Didi notices Tommy's new ball.]

Didi: Hey! What's that? I've never seen that toy before

Stu: That old thing? I gave it to him weeks ago

[Unknown to them, the toy company representatives are freaking out about the missing rubber ball.]

-I know. We'll seal off the whole floor. We'll search every room

-Right. That ball will never leave this building

[The ball leaves the building.]

End of Episode