Baby Commercial/Transcript

''[The episode opens with the showing of dressed up versions of Phil and Lil playing on a tv commercial ad for diapers as Phil waves to the screen while Lil flies by a pyramid of diapers on a hook. Lil lands on the cloud like pile and bounces up and down as it pans out to show Phil, Lil, and Tommy sitting in front of the tv. It then slides over to the background where Didi and Betty are sitting at a table having coffee as Didi points out the commercial to Betty.]''

Didi: Look, Betty, It's the diaper commercial, the twins were in.

[The scene cuts back to the tv showing the twins happily looking at the tv screen while the pyramid falls down behind them.]

Announcer: Tighties, The Heavenly Diaper.

Didi: They look so angelic.

Betty: Yeah they are cute, but whoo wee, still gives me a headache just thinking about what happened that day. Another cup of Bavarian Mocha?

Didi: Sure, I'll help.

''[Didi and Betty are seen getting up and walking off screen as it pans back over to the babies. Tommy stands up and walks up to the tv and places his hands on it looking confused. The tv is now showing a fishing show.]''

Phil: What's wrong, Tommy?

Tommy: I don't get it. How can you be here and be in the tv at the same time?

Phil: It's a "Merchel," Tommy

Tommy: A "Merchel?" What's that?

Lil: A commercial. That's when they take you to this big room, shine bright lights on you, and shoot you.

[Tommy gulps in fear.]

Tommy: Shoot you?

Lil: Uh huh. It all started that morning when mommy took us to the tv place.

''[As Lil begins telling the story, the scene shifts as the twins are seen in a stroller dressed up in new, but matching, onesies as Betty pushes their stroller down the hallway looking excited. Phil takes the Lollipop that Lil was sucking on and begins sucking on it himself while holding onto it.]''

Lil: (voice) Mommy was so excited that we were going to be in a commercial. She cleaned us up extra good and brought us new clothes and when we finally got there...

''[Phil and Lil look to each other as Betty approaches a pair of studio doors before going through them to reveal a bunch of studio employees walking around and talking. It is also shown some workers trying to set up the pyramid only for a lady to come by and sneeze, knocking it down, as one begins picking up the diapers again.]''

Betty: Oh isn't this wonderful?

''[Phil and Lil look around as Lil snatches the lollipop back from Phil and puts it in her mouth while the assistant director comes to greet them all. Betty shakes his hand.]''

Assistant Director Bob: You must be Mrs. DeVille. I'm Bob, the Assistant Director.

Betty: Oh yes.

Assistant Director Bob: And these must be our little stars, Phil and Lil. Hi kids! They sure look bright-eyed and bushy tailed.

[Phil and Lil look to each other as assistant director Bob leads Betty over to the ad executives, Mr. Snow, Mr. Steele, and Mr. Trickum from Snow, Steele, and Trickum industries.]

Assistant Director Bob: Why don't you come with me? Let me introduce you to our clients from the agency of Snow, Steele, and Trickum. This is Mr. Snow, Mr. Steele, and Mr. Trickum

[Each man is introduced as Mr. Snow is sleeping and snoring, Mr. Steele is reading a newspaper, and Mr. Trickum is talking on the phone while moving around in his chair frantically.]

Betty: Nice to meet you gentleman.

Assistant Director Bob: Oh, they can't hear you, Mrs. DeVille. They're advertising executives.

Mr. Trickum: (talking to the person on the phone) I have given you everything!

''[A man, that is soon revealed to be the director Jonathan Witt, is seen pushing open the studio doors with a group of people behind him as Phil and Lil sit up in curiosity. The group of people walk in listening to the man and laughing at his comment while Phil and Lil wonder if the man is clown.]''

Jonathan: So then she said, "Whatever you do, don't sell that poodle."

Lil: What's he supposed to be?

Phil: I don't know, maybe he's some kind of clown.

Jonathan: Oh wow, sometimes I am too much

Assistant Director Bob: (whispering to Betty) That's Jonathan Wit, our director. He'll be wanting to meet you and the kids right away. Excuse me, Jonathan?

Jonathan: Uh, bud, isn't it?

Assistant Director Bob: It's Bob, actually. You remember, I'm your sister's husband?

Jonathan: Oh, right

Assistant Director Bob: This is Mrs. DeVille. She's the mother of the tw...

[Jonathan walks off.]

Jonathan: The pyramid. This is it: the diaper box pyramid I had in my dream! The colors, the angles, the placement. I love this pyramid!

Lil: He really likes diapers

Phil: Yeah. He must not be potty trained yet

[Phil and Lil look at each other.]

Assistant Director Bob: Sir, this is the mother of the twins

Jonathan: Twins? What twins?

Assistant Director Bob: The stars of the commercial

Jonathan: Oh, right

[Jonathan walks up to Phil and Lil.]

Jonathan: You're late. Very unprofessional

[Phil and Lil look at each other.]

Jonathan: Get these little whatchamacallits....

Assistant Director Bob: Babies

Jonathan: Yep, babies. Get them into makeup. I've got to center

[Jonathan walks off.]

Assistant Director Bob: We'll take the kids from here, Mrs. DeVille

[Betty kisses Phil and Lil on the head.]

Betty: (to Phil and Lil) Now listen to the nice makeup people and break a l...I mean, uh, good luck

''[Assistant Director Bob grabs a walkie-talkie. Phil and Lil are getting their makeup done.]''

Assistant Director Bob: Makeup, babies flying in

Lil: (voice) Makeup was like nothing we'd ever seen in your entire lives: adults everywhere, poking us and combing us and poofing us

''[After their makeup is done, Phil and Lil look at each other and wiped their makeup off. Phil and Lil smiled at each other. The makeup people redid their makeup. Assistant Director Bob walks in.]''

Assistant Director Bob: We're ready on the set

[Assistant Director Bob was handed Phil.]

Phil: (voice) From then on, we were in show business

''[On set. A camera is pointed at Phil.]''

Jonathan: Quiet! Phil, you want those diapers. They represent a higher state of being. Now I want you to crawl to the diaper box, look left then smile at the camera and wink like this

[Jonathan shows Phil a wink.]

Jonathan: Got it?

''[Phil stares at Jonathan. Jonathan walks off.]''

Jonathan: (whispers) Roll cameras

Assistant Director Bob: Roll cameras!

Cameraman: Rolling! Speed. Marker

Jonathan: (whispering) And...action

[Phil doesn't move.]

Jonathan: Action

[Phil still doesn't move but he blows a bubble.]

Jonathan: Cut!

[Jonathan grabs Assistant Director Bob.]

Jonathan: What is with this kid? I am giving and not getting anything back

Assistant Director Bob: Well sir, if you'd just...

[Jonathan pushes Assistant Director Bob away.]

Jonathan: Get the mother!

[Betty is talking to a man while holding Lil.]

Betty: It's the ninth inning, and the score is tied. Then strawberry hits one right over the old fence

''[The man is mumbling. Lil is playing with a car.]''

Betty: No. It was a right field fence

[Assistant Director Bob walks up to Betty.]

Assistant Director Bob: Mrs. DeVille we need your help

[Assistant Director Bob walks off while Betty hands Lil to the man.]

Betty: Would you mind looking after her?

''[The man continues mumbling. The man sets Lil down. Lil is playing with her car. The car drives off and Lil fallows it. Betty walks up to Jonathan.]''

Assistant Director Bob: He just doesn't seem to want to move

Betty: Well I'll see what I can do

Assistant Director Bob: Whenever you're ready, sir

[Jonathan sighs.]

Jonathan: Roll cameras

Assistant Director Bob: Roll cameras!

Cameraman: Rolling! Speed!

[Jonathan and Betty are standing by the cameraman.]

Jonathan: Action

Betty: Come on, Phil. Come on, that's mommy's big boy. You can do it, Philly. Come on, go for the diapers

''[Phil doesn't move and blinks while Jonathan looks mad and Betty looks at Phil. Jonathan pulls his hair.]''

Jonathan: Cut! I'm getting a headache!

[Assistant Director Bob is messaging Jonathan's shoulders.]

Jonathan: A headache, bud, not a neck ache

[Assistant Director Bob removes his hands while Jonathan looks at him.]

Jonathan: This kid is not working!

Assistant Director Bob: It's Bob, sir. I'll get the other baby

''[Assistant Director Bob walks off. The man is eating a donut while a man walks up to him.]''

-Hey, where's the kid?

Man: I don't know

''[The man starts mumbling. The other man walks off. With the crew.]''

-We can't find the other baby

Betty: What? Lil!

[Betty runs up to the man eating donuts.]

Betty: Where's my baby?

''[The man is mumbling. Betty grabs the donut from the man's mouth.]''

Betty: Where is she, you big yutz?

[Betty threw the donut.]

Man: Up there!

[They see Lil crawling after a car.]

Betty: (gasps) My baby!

[Betty runs off.]

Jonathan: Oh, my head

''[Betty and the cameraman grabs a ladder. Phil looks at the camera. Phil crawls to the camera. Betty and another man puts the ladder to where Lil is at. Lil starts rocking the wood plank.]''

Lil: Whoo!

-Hang on, baby! I'll save ya!

[The cameraman and Betty are holding the ladder.]

-That's it. You got her. A little higher

''[Betty is climbing up the ladder while Phil is now sitting in the camera chair. Phil turns on the camera. The camera and Phil start moving.]''

Cameraman: My...my...my camera!

[The cameraman lets go of the ladder.]

-Whoa!

''[The other man grabs onto the wood plank while Betty and ladder are on the ground. Lil falls but a hook catches her. Lil starts swinging.]''

-Whee!

''[Phil runs into the table. Everyone starts screaming. Phil looks into the camera.]''

Cameraman: My camera!

Betty: My baby!

Jonathan: My pyramid.

''[Jonathan is grunting. Jonathan holds onto the camera.]''

Jonathan: No! No! Not my pyramid! Aw, come on, kid! Give me a break! Not my pyramid!

''[Phil stops the camera from moving. Jonathan is panting. Lil is still swinging.]''

Lil: Whee!

[Lil lands safely.]

Betty: Oh, Lil!

[Betty picks up Lil and starts kissing her head.]

Betty: My little baby!

[Assistant Director Bob brings Phil over.]

Betty: Oh! Thank heaven's you're all right

[Jonathan is panting.]

Jonathan: Get...off...my...set! You almost destroyed a brilliant masterpiece. I've been in this business six years and nobody, nobody has ever...!

''[A toy car is squeaking. The toy car bumps into the pyramid. The pyramid starts rumbling. Jonathan starts screaming. The pyramid falls. Everyone gasps. The camera starts beeping. Phil is dancing while Jonathan is grunting. Phil and Lil are clapping their hands. Jonathan stands up.]''

Jonathan: You'll never work in this town again!

''[Phil claps his hands while Lil lays on her back. With Mr. Snow, Mr. Steele, and Mr. Trickum.]''

Mr. Trickum: I have sacrificed for you! I have been like a father to you, Leo. And this is how you thank me? Good. Thank you, Leo. You want to do the golf thing tomorrow?

''[Mr. Trickum's watch is beeping.]''

Mr. Trickum: Hey, it's 10:30. Let's see that playback

Jonathan: P-playback?

[The cameraman pushes the TV to Mr. Snow, Mr. Steele and Mr. Trickum.]

Mr. Steele: Hey, this is great stuff, Jonathan

Mr. Trickum: I love it. It's a beautiful thing

Mr. Steele: You're a lot better than we thought

''[Mr. Snow, Mr. Steele and Mr. Trickum leave. Jonathan is crying. The flashback ends.]''

Tommy: So that's how you get in the TV

Phil and Lil: Yep. That's how you get in the TV

''[The toy car starts driving towards Tommy. The doorbell chimes.]''

-Hmm?

[Betty opens the door.]

Jonathan: Hello, Mrs. DeVille

Betty: Now, look. I told you, Mr. Wit, no more commercials

Jonathan: I know, Mrs. Deville but you don't understand you see I've got to have those kids

Betty: My answer's the same: no, sir. Good-bye

''[Betty slams the door. Jonathan goes to the window.]''

Jonathan: Please you've got to hear me out. Those kids are brilliant

''[Betty closes the blinds. Jonathan goes to the other window.]''

Jonathan: They're geniuses. They're fantabulous

''[Betty closes the other windows blinds. Betty leaves while Jonathan waves to Phil, Lil and Tommy.]''

Jonathan: Hey, kids, tell your mom how much fun it was working with Jonathan. Okay? Please tell her! I've got candy

[Phil and Lil look at each other and crawled off with Tommy fallowing them.]

Jonathan: Hey, where you going? Come Back! I'll get you anything you want: toys, games, your own dressing room. Come Back! It will be different! I promise!

(Scene turns black)

End of Episode