A DeVille House Divided/Transcript

(Episodes starts at a soccer field)

Tommy: (narrating the soccer game while video taping it) The rain clouds forshadow the doom waiting for the competition on a yucky April day -- A day of a group of 10 year olds with nothing but guts and confidence and the hope of a victory with the help from their professional coaching staff.

(Dil dances in an animal suit of some kind, making Pangborn angry - Pangborn chases Dil away due to being annoyed.)

Tommy: (continues to narrate.) The day the Limburger recognition field became known as -- The house that DeVille -- Lil DeVille --

(As Tommy is narrating the game, Phil falls onto the ground after failing to hit the soccerball - Lil quickly comes to the rescue and kicks the ball into the goal. A few seconds later Wally has the ball and kicks it to Lil who kicks it, making another goal for their team.)

(Next shot, a boy from the opposing team, is kicking the ball until Wally kicks it from him, passing it to Lil - who yets again makes another goal. Next round Lil kicks the ball to Phil - who kicks it towards Tommy's camera which hits it before making into the goal.)

(The scenes changes to the Java Lava - where the Phil and Lil's soccer team are having their soccer awards ceremony - watching the video of their game Tommy made.)

(After getting done watching the video - crowd cheers.)

Pangborn: (in an unsual tone) Before we give out our individual awards, let's give Tommy Pickles a hand for his scaussy photography!

(Crowd claps when Tommy, who has a black eye, stands up to wave and bow and sits back down.)

Phil: (to Tommy about his black eye) Sorry again, Tommy.

Betty: And let's thank Principal Pangborn for coming here tonight after three hours of extensive dental work.

Pangborn: (still in his unusual tone) Thanks. (misses his mouth and spills a bit of his drink on himself)

Betty: And remember we're a team and no other player means no more then any other. Now the first award for our highest scorer goes to -- Lil DeVille!

(Crowd claps as Lil stands up to go to the front of the building to claim her award.)

(Before Lil makes it back to her seat --)

Betty: Most penatly shots -- Lil DeVille!

(Crowd claps while Lil turns around to claim the award.)

Betty: Most assists -- Lil DeVille!

(Before walking being able to walk back to her seat, Pangborn hands her another award.)

Betty: And best snacks -- Lil DeVille.

(Lil gets handed another awards and finally gets back to her seat.)

Phil: Way to go Lillian! (gives her a thumbs up)

(Lil finally takes a seat but drops one of her trophies on the floor.)

Lil: (to Phil) Hey I won't be holding these if you haven't shown me the game. Thanks bro.

(Phil binds down to pick up the trophy as Wally walks by.)

Betty: Now moving on to our next award --

(Phil still on his hands and knees.)

Phil: (about Wally) Whoa, who's that?

Betty: Best Defensive Player -- our own team captain -- Wally Ramone!

(Crowds cheers.)

Phil: That's Wally? (a wide grin then spreads across his face.)

Betty: Now before you kids hit the pizza, I got a big announcement --

(Wally walks past Phil)

Betty: Our un-matched record qualified us for -- a match in the Pacific Soccer League!

(Crowd claps and cheers.)

Betty: Two weeks from today, we take on the (something) Pythons! If we win that game it's off to the regional finals in Honolulu, Hawaii!

(Crowd claps and cheers)

(Scene cuts to the pizza table - where Phil, Dil, Chuckie and Tommy pig out on pizza - Phil wipes his mouth and glaces at Wally from afar.)

Phil: I guess I've never noticed that Wally was -- you know -- pretty. (shoves a slice of pizza into his mouth)

Tommy: But she's over at your house all the time playing with Lil.

Phil: Yeah winging soccerballs at my head! -- Oh gosh, it's her! How do I look?

(Phil quickly wipes mouth with tie as Wally and Lil approach.)

Lil: (to Wally) You are sweet for a mean mid-fielder. Those Pythons will be cowboy boots.

Phil: (to Wally nervously) Ah last slice of pizza Wally? (nervously grins at her)

(Wally giggles and wipes the remains of pizza off Phil's face and bats her eyes at him afterwards)

Lil: Sounds like somebody had one too many rootbeers.

Wally: Did you say something Lil? (glances at Phil from the corner of her eye)

(As soon as Lil and Wally walk away, Phil checks his pulse in his wrist)

(Scene cuts at the DeVille's house in Lil's room where Lil and Wally are playing with dolls.)

Wally: Oh Sarah, I'd love to come to your party but I don't have pretty dresses like you and your friends.

Lil: Pordash! You can wear one of mine!

Wally: But your father wouldn't approve!

Lil: They hung my father.

Wally: But they already did hung your father for caddle wrestling.

Lil: No, that was your father! When your name was "Tough Saloon Owner" but today you're "Emily Western Pioneer Girl".

Wally: Oh. Yeah.

(both continue to play with dolls)

Lil: (while taking off her doll's dress) Here Emily! Take my prudiest dress!

Wally: Oh Sarah! No one will have a good as friend as you!

(Phil interrupts the girls.)

Phil: Incoming! Incoming! (shoots darts) My name's (???). And I'm here to save you from the Indians!

Lil: Phil, we live in peace with the Indians and they're called Native Americans.

Wally: We could get into a war with the Indians, Lil. The settlers did take their land.

Phil: Take a look at my chest. It's a rocket launcher!

(Phil shoots darts at Lil's forehead - Lil not looking impressed.)

Wally: (impressed) Ooh what comes out of your back?

Phil: A pantoon boat!

(Phil and Wally bashfully glances at each other while Lil groans and shakes her head.)

(Next scene takes place at the park - Phil is seen running with arms full of pinecons and Lil pulling a log.)

Phil: Invisible Volcano King! (laughs) Loser!

(Lil tackles Phil to the ground.)

Phil: You can't do that! I'm invisible!

Lil: Not without your anomic pinecones! (laughs as Phil reaches up to grab the pinecone)

Wally: Hi guys, what are you playing?

Lil: Invisible Volcano King. We made it up a long time ago but it's only for two people.

Wally: So? You made up the rules just change them.

Phil: That's brilliant! Wally's on my team!

Lil: But it's two against one.

Phil: I got an idea, why don't we do something for all three us can do.

Wally: That's brilliant.

(Lil smiles at the idea.)

(Scene is now at Phil and Lil's house playing a game much like Twister - Lil is sitting on the floor turning the compass - obviously not having fun.)

Lil: (in a unpressed tone) Right foot, red rhinoceros.

(Lil flips game compass again)

Lil: (sighs) Right hand, green hamster.

(The camera zooms out to Phil and Wally, limbs entangled on the game mat.)

(Phil and Wally both giggle but fall over when Lil pulls the matt from under them.)

(Lil stands up and throws the game compass on the floor.)

Lil: (angry) Oh man!

(Phil and Wally giggle to each other.)

(Scene is now at the school with Tommy and Chuckie sitting at a outdoor table - playing paper football.)

(Chuckie flicks his paper football and it accidentally hits Tommy in one of his eyes.)

Tommy: Ow! Now I know why I played this with Phil. You're a lousy paper football player.

Chuckie: (sarcastically) Oh gee, I guess that means I won't go pro with the national paper football league or have professional paper football fans --

Tommy: (unamused) I get it. I guess I just miss Phil. It's not the same since he's been hanging around with Wally.

(Dil and Principal Pangborn approach.)

Dil: Hey guys, meet Morty. Mr. Pangborn's nephew from Ohio.

Pangborn: My sister's kid. He's staying with me while she undergoes some minor reconstruction surgery.

(Pangborn briefly shows a picture of a large woman)

Pangborn: That Pangborn chin --

Dil: (to Tommy) I said we'll show him the ropes.

Tommy: You play paper football Morty?

Morty: Are you kidding? But I like to play with my own! (takes out a paper football shaped piece of glass)

Chuckie: Gee, that looks kind of sharp.

(Morty pushes Chuckie out off the bench and flicks the piece of glass at Tommy which the piece of glass hits him in the eye.)

Tommy: Ow!

Morty: Oh yeah! Oh yeah, I rule!

(Next scene is in the school cafeteria with Phil and Wally having lunch together while Kimi and Lil stare from afar.)

Lil: (to Kimi) I don't get it. Ever since the soccer awards, Phil and Wally act so weird around each other. It messes up everything.

Kimi: Earth to Lil, they like each other.

Lil: (laughs) Oh please! Who could like Phil? He's so immature and gross. Look.

(The camera cuts to Phil sticking a french fry up his nose)

Kimi: No, you look.

(The camera cuts back to Phil who still has the french fry up his nose but with Wally giggling at him.)

Lil: (gasps) They do like each other. How come I'm the last one to see it?

Kimi: You're not. They are.

Lil: Well there's only one way to handle this.

(Lil walks over to Phil and Wally where Phil is trying to stick a french fry up Wally's nose.)

Wally: (to Phil) (laughs) Phil stop it!

(Lil whistles, grabbing Phil and Wally's attention.)

Lil: Phil, do you like Wally?

Phil: (looks at Wally) Huh? No way!

Lil: Wally, do you like Phil?

Wally: Are you wack?

Lil: That proves it. Only people who like each other act so weird about liking each other.

(Wally and Phil glances at one another and look away briefly.) 

Lil: Why don't you admit you like each other and we can all go back doing stuff like before. Okay?

(Wally smiles at Phil and he smiles back.)

Phil: (to Wally) (in a bashful tone) Okay, I-I like you.

Wally: (to Phil) Me too.

Lil: Now that's over with. Let's get down to the field and run some drills for the playoffs!

Wally: (to Phil) Race you to the ice cream line!

Phil: You're on!

Lil: Guys! Hey guys!

(Lil looks at Kimi.)

Lil: Man, they went to get ice cream -- That's cold.

(Scene switches to the local mini golf course - with Tommy, Dil, Chuckie, and Morty.)

(Morty takes a swing at the golf ball which it hits a nearby rock wall and bounces off of it, hitting Chuckie in the leg.)

Morty: Hey, Chuckie was in the fair way! That's an automatic hole-in-one for me!

(Chuckie tries to say something but gets cut off by Morty.)

Morty: (to Chuckie) Complaining. That's six strokes added to your score.

(Chuckie again tries to speak but once again says nothing thanks to Morty.)

(Tommy prepares to hit the golf ball.)

Morty: (jumps in front of Tommy) Look out!

(Tommy jumps and misses.)

Morty: (laughs) I looove doing that!

Tommy: (unimpressed) We know you do.

(The camera zooms out showing all the unwanted holes in the course ground.)

Pangborn: So what does everything think of my nephew here? Quite the sportsman huh?

(Tommy and Chuckie falsely agree and Pangborn walks away. After he walks away Morty laughs at the sign of a silly face he taped to Pangborn's back.)

(At the Princess Castle with Lil and Kimi...)

(Lil prepares to hit a golf ball but hears Wally's giggles)

(Scene shows Wally giggling at Phil while he has a golf club in his mouth.)

Lil: (to Kimi) Please. Does she have to do that? He's not that funny. Trust me I know.

(While having the golf club in his mouth, Phil hits a golf ball and impressively lands in the hole. A perfect hole in one.)

Lil: You got to be kidding.

Kimi: I've never seen him make shots like that.

Lil: Because he doesn't! This place had to shut down one day because he lost soo many balls!

(Wally continues to flirtatiously giggle at Phil as he helps her make a shot)

Lil: (about Wally) And when did she turn into such a girly girl?

Kimi: Lil lighten up. It's not like they're getting married.

(Lil then imagines Phil and Wally getting married. As Phil and Wally exist the church, Lil chases after Phil.) 

Lil: Phil! Come back! We haven't finished our game!

(He doesn't seem to hear her and enters the horse-drawn carriage with Wally. They ride off, leaving Lil heartbroken.)

(Next scene takes place at the soccer field as Pangborn explains their upcoming game -- as he explains Phil and Wally lovingly stare at each other, making Lil annoyed.)

Pangborn: Saturday. We're going to have the biggest game of our lives. Win it and we're off to Hawaii.

(Phil continues to stare at Wally while she giggles.)

Pangborn: I wanna see passing, teamwork, concentration!

(Lil throws her soccer ball at Phil's head but it didn't get any affect.)

(The kids enter the field while Morty licks Tommy's camera.)

Tommy: (in utter disgust) Eww!

(Morty laughs and runs away.)

Tommy: (to Dil) You got to do something about Morty. We can't take him anymore.

Dil: Why me?

Tommy: You brought him into the group.

Dil: But he doesn't annoy me. I find his humor disturbingly complex.

Chuckie: Got that gum out of your hair yet?

(Dil lifts up his hat and attempts to get the gum from his hair but it's no use.)

Dil: Nope.

(Next scene is in Lil's room with Lil holding her dolls that her and Wally usually play with. When someone knocks on her door, she hides the dolls under her pillow.)

(Phil enters Lil's room.)

Phil: Hey.

Lil: (slightly angry) Hey.

Phil: Listen. I'm sorry about zoning out at practice. I know this game means a lot.

Lil: It's okay.

(Lil notices the video game in Phil's hands.)

Lil: (excitedly) Is that Doom Raider 5?!

Phil: It just came in today.

Lil: Yes! We've been waiting 3 months to play that!

Phil: I know. Listen, can I talk to you about something?

Lil: (while eyes glued to the screen of the TV) I'm listening.

Phil: The weirdest thing happened today. Wally and me were sitting at the park. Watching the clouds.

(Flashback: Phil and Wally are laying down on the grass, looking up at the sky. They are surrounded by small rocks that form a heart around them._

(Back to the present point...)

Phil: Her idea.

(Flashback then continues...)

Phil: Then it happened.

(In the flashback, Wally hold Phil's hand, making Phil nervous that he sweats.)

Phil: It was so weird. I started sweating and my stomach started to feel all quesy. I felt like riding Whiplash Gorge 3 times in a row.

(Back to the present...) 

Lil: Boy, you really didn't like it did ya? (laughs)

Phil: Are you kidding? It was the greatest thing ever! I cannot wait to do it again!

Lil: Can we please not talk about this anymore?

Phil: Oh, sure 'cause I gonna go anyway.

Lil: Wait. I thought we were playing Doom Raider 5.

Phil: No, I just brought that in for you. I'm going over to Wally's. Tell me how it is?

(Phil leaves Lil's room. When he's gone, Lil drops the controller and takes out the dolls she had under pillow.)

Lil: (in one of the doll's voices) Oh Sarah, I'll never have a good of friend as you! (tone becomes aggressive) Until I take your brother away and leave you with no one to play with! (making the dolls fight each other) Ow! Ow! Ouch! Give me back my dress! I'm going to kick your little plastic behind!

(Next scene is at the school's cafeteria.)

Wally: (to Lil) Hi.

Lil: Gee, where's Phil?

Wally: I ditched him.

Lil: Really?

Wally: Yeah. I wanted to talk to you about him.

Lil: Oh.

Wally: The other day in the park, I held his hand and he got all pale and started sweating. I don't think he liked it very much. Did he say anything to you?

Lil: Well, as a matter of fact, he did mentioned it to me and well since we are friends I'll just say it. He said it made him sick to his stomach.

(Wally gasps.)

Lil: I'm really sorry, Wally. But you know guys, they're jerks sometimes. Pickle?

Wally: (while swiping away tears) No thanks. I'm suddenly not very hungry.

(Wally leaves and Lil smiles evilly to herself.)

(Next scene takes place at the DeVille house where Lil is whistling down the hallway.)

(Outside Phil's door) Lil: Guess what, guess what? I just heard the Pythons' big mid-fielder just got chicken pocks! We are sure to win!

(Lil notices Phil on the floor, eyes and nose red while carrying a box of tissues.)

Phil: Don't look at me!

Lil: What's wrong?

Phil: What's wrong? Everything is wrong! The world is falling off it's axis. The sun shall never shine again!

Lil: Is this about your penalty shots? You need to work on that.

Phil: It's Wally. SHE DUMPED ME! (falls over and cries)

Lil: Oh...

Phil: She didn't even say why. You're her friend, Lil. Did she say anything to ya?

Lil: No, nope, nothing, nodda, zip, zero-- Phil I have never seen you act like this.

Phil: What? I can't have feelings?

Lil: Feelings? You hit yourself on the head with a hammer on a dare. I got just the thing to cheer you up minster -- a game of Doom Raider 5!

Phil: Just turn off the light on your way out. I'm going to lay here and listen to sad songs.

Lil: Sure..

(Lil walks out of Phil's room and turns off the light and Phil continues to cry.)

Phil: Oh Wally, why?! Why, why, why Wally?!

(Outside the door, Lil listens to Phil's cries and feels upset.)

(Next scene -- at the Java Lava.)

Kimi: (to Lil) You broke Wally and Phil up?

Lil: No. I just told Wally what Phil told me.

(Kimi not looking convinced.)

Lil: He'll get over it. You know Phil. He's a short attention spanner.

(Shop bells ring -- Tommy and Chuckie try to get Phil inside.)

Tommy: (to Phil) Come on. It's just one drink.

Phil: I can't. This is our place -- Wally and me.

Chuckie: We'll share an Obit smoothie.

Phil: "We" shared an Obit smoothie.

Tommy: Look, sit over there.

Phil: "We" sat over there. Oh man, I remember the first thing she ever said to me "move it loser". (cries and grabs onto Chuckie)

Chuckie: Tommy, some help here.

(Morty enters the shop,)

Morty: (to Tommy) Hey have you seen Dil?

Tommy: Nope.

Tommy: Lil, can you do something about your brother?

Kimi: I think "Hurricane Lil" has done enough damage to two lives.

Tommy: What?

Lil: I was the person who sorta told Wally Phil didn't like her -- sort of...

Tommy: Why would you do that?

Lil: They were annoying!

Chuckie: Anymore annoying than that?

(Chuckie gestures to Phil who is sobbing while writing Wally's name and a heart around it out of smoothie with his straw.)

Phil: I can't. I shouldn't be here. It cuts too deep.

Morty: Boy, if my sister did something like that to me -- (Tommy tries to gesture Morty to stop talking) I mean if she told my girlfriend I didn't like her. Jeesh, man. I'm so glad I don't have a sister.

Chuckie: (flatly) So is she.

Phil: (now angry - to Lil) You told Wally I didn't like her?! I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS LILLIAN! (Phil stomps out of the shop.)

Morty: Jeesh, he's a little testy. Anyone drinking this? (gestures to Phil's unfinished smoothie) Well if anyone sees Dil, tell him I was looking for him. (leaves the shop)

(Dil comes from under a bench in the shop.)

Dil: (to Tommy and Chuckie) I'll get rid of him.

(Next scene is at the school's soccerfield.)

Pangborn: Okay Phil, you'll be right defense with Lil.

Phil: I don't wanna play with her! She was the one who told Wally I didn't like holding her hand when I do!

Wally: You tell her about what we do?!

Lil: I'm his sister!

Phil: That was suppose to be a secret Lillian!

Pangborn: Okay Wally, you'll be left defense with Lil.

Wally: I don't wanna play with her! She lied to me!

Pangborn: Okay then, Phil you'll play mid field and I'll put Lil on right field and Wally on left.

Phil: Then I'm in between both of them?!

Lil: Forget it! I'm not doing it!

Wally: I'll play both!

Betty: I know there are some personal issues going on in the team. But this is a shot at a chance in Hawaii so let's put it aside and focus on the game.

Phil: She's right. Let's keep our heads in the game. Okay?

Lil: Okay.

(Phil, Lil, and Wally give each other nasty looks.)

(On the field -- Lil has the ball...)

Phil: (waving his arms) Pass it to us! Tell my sister "the jerk" that I'm open!

(Lil kicks the ball to another fellow teammate but it gets taken away by a girl on the opposing team but then Wally takes it away.)

Lil: Wally, I'm clear! I'm clear!

Wally: Like I'm suppose to believe that.

(Then someone from the opposing team kicks the ball from Wally.)

Pangborn: What is going on out there? They're not playing together. They're not listening to each other! I've never been to Hawaii! (shakes his head back and fourth while Betty pats him on the back)

Morty: (to Dil) Man, your friends stink. I'd be embarrassed to be seen with them.

Dil: Um, funny you should bring that up.

Morty: Except for you, Tommy and Chuckie. You guys are the coolest guys. So what were you saying?

Dil: Nevermind.

Morty: But I got to ask you -- what's with that hat you wear all the time?

Dil: It's a Sherpa hat.

Morty: Yeah, sure PATHETIC! (laughs) 

Dil: It happens to be a Himalayan wool hat.

Morty: That's because it sure looks ugly!

(Takes Dil's hat off and mocks him.)

Morty: Look at me! I'm Dil. I'm the weird one!

(Dil snatches his hat from Morty.)

Dil: (angry) That's it! I had it with you! You're selfish, obnoxious and nobody likes you! And one more thing, Nobody. Touches. The. Hat. (walks away)

Morty: I'm "morty-ifed".

(Back down in the soccerfield, Wally is kicking the soccerball but it gets taken away from a team member from the opposing team. Phil, Wally and Lil chase after the ball but bump into each other.)

Phil: Way to go Lillian!

Wally: I called it first!

Lil: (to Wally) You just want everything to yourself don't you?

Wally: I'm not the one who blabbed behind her brother's back!

Lil: Well I'm not the one who ignored her friend!

Phil: Hey, I'm the one who got dumped! I'm in pain here!

Wally: (to Lil) You're the one who said he didn't like me! JERK!

Lil: CREEP!

Phil: LIAR!

(The ball gets kicked towards Lil and in pure rage, Lil kicks it to the opposing team's goal, earning them the point that wins them the game.)

(At the Java Lava...)

Chuckie: (to Tommy) I guess I jumped a gun on the victory celebration.

Tommy: Tell me you didn't order a clown.

Chuckie: Worse.

(Cuts to a magician trying to perform a trick to Mr. Pangborn.)

Magician: Hey what's this? A quarter in your ear?

(Pangborn growls and walks away unamused.)

Lil: (to Phil) I can't believe we lost our chance to go to Hawaii.

Phil: Maybe if Wally hadn't dumped me we wouldn't have.

Lil: Say that one more time and I'm making you sit with the rest of the team.

(Phil turns his head at his teammates to discover they have angry faces.)

Lil: I'm sorry. This was all my fault. I have to admit, I was jealous. I didn't want to lose my brother.

Phil: (grabs Lil's hand) I can't believe you felt like that. I'll always love you.

Lil: What did you just say?

Phil: (embarrassed) Nothing!

(Wally passes by)

Lil: Wally! Wait! (follows Wally to the front door)

Lil: I don't blame you for being mad at me. I did an awful thing. But don't take it out on my brother. He really does like you.

Wally: The thing is, this whole boy-girl thing is so confusing. It just seems to mess everything up.

Lil: So does that mean we can all be friends again?

Wally: Totally.

(Wally and Lil hug each other.)

Phil: (walks up) Hey I just heard they repaved "Nose-Bleed Hill". Let's go and get our bikes!

Wally: Great!

(Phil and Wally exist the building, leaving Lil behind.)

Magician: (to Lil) Hey little lady, What's that in your ear? A quarter?

Phil: (to Lil) Hey slow poke! What's keeping ya?

Wally: Are you coming or not?

Lil: Right behind you!

(Final scene is at school.)

Pangborn: (to Dil) Hey Pickles, I want to talk to you about what you said to my nephew. I don't know what you said but you really did turn Morty around. All sudden he was this polite, considerate, kind-hearted child.

Dil: I was just honest with him sir.

Pangborn: Whatever you did, when I put him on that bus back to Ohio this morning, he was a changed man. Thanks.

(When Pangborn wallks away, Tommy, Chuckie and Dil laugh at the piece of paper of a silly face Morty tapped onto Pangborn's back.)

THE END