The Bank Trick/Transcript

''Opens with a close-up view of a black knight chess piece sitting on a chessboard in the living room. A few seconds later, it got knocked away by a white king chess piece held by Tommy. Tommy and Chuckie, who held a black rook chess piece, were playfully knocking down chess pieces, one by one onto the ground. Lou walked in from the kitchen, reading a letter.''

Lou: Okay. Let's see now. "Queen's Knight takes King's Bishop."

Close up view of Lou's letter which reads: "Dear Lou, QKtxKB. Your move. Jim"

Lou: Hehehe. Walked right into another Lou Pickle's trap. I got him right where I- (notices the babies playing and panicked.) DAH!!!! What in tarnations have you sprouts done!?

Didi: Pop? (Didi walks in) What's wrong?

Lou: What's wrong? I've been playing this chess game by mail for fifteen months! And they went and destroy it in like fifteen seconds!

Didi: Oh come on, Pop. It's just a game. I'm sure you can put it back together. I mean, how many different combinations can these little pieces make?

Lou picks up the fallen chess pieces and went to sit on a chair and cries.

Didi: Come on, kids. I think Grandpa needs some timeout. (She picks up Tommy and Chuckie.) You two can come with me, while I do my errands.

''Tommy looks sad as the scene cuts to the inside of the Pickles' van. With Didi driving and the babies in their car seats.''

Tommy: Hey Chuckie, did you hear what my mom said?

Chuckie: Yeah. She said we're going to go with her, when she does her hairums.

Tommy: Don't you know what hairums is?

Chuckie: Uh... no.

Tommy: That's when the grownups take you to big buildings, where there's nothing to play with, and make you sit still forever and not have any fun.

Chuckie: But Tommy, that's boring.

Tommy: It's the most boringest thing in the whole world. Even more boring when my dad watches the Stupor Bowl.

Chuckie: What are we gonna do, Tommy? What are we gonna do?

Didi: We're here kids.

Didi pulls up to the 27th National Bank building.

Didi: First stop of the day is the ATM machine.

Both babies' eyes brighten up.

Chuckie: Did you hear that? The M&M machine.

Tommy: M&Ms! Maybe this won't be so bad after all.

''Didi held Tommy, while she and Chuckie walked up to the ATM machine. Tommy feeling excited starts pressing buttons as soon as Didi put in her credit card, only for the card to come back out.''

Didi: Mommy doesn't think this is very funny.

Didi puts in her card again, only for Tommy to push in the buttons again bringing the card back out.

Didi: Oh! You are just a little ball of fire today, Tommy.

Didi puts in her card one more time only for the card to come back shredded.

Didi: Oh no! The machine ate my card. Now we're going to have to go inside.

''Didi and the kids walked into the bank towards the desk belonging to one of the workers, Ms. Haze. Chuckie looked up as Ms. Haze looked down in return.''

Didi: We had a minor accident, if it's too much trouble?

She hands the shredded card to the woman.

Ms. Haze: I'm so sorry, Mrs... Pridklers. Let's get the proper forms.

Didi: It's Pickles, actually. This won't take too long, will it?

Ms. Haze: Just a few simple questions, Mrs. Pridklers, and you'll be on your way.

Ms. Haze sets down the forms for Didi as she sets Tommy down on the floor with Chuckie.

Didi: Okay, now. "Name?" "Address?" Where this seems simpler enough. (She starts writing) "Didi Pridklers." (realizing her mistake) Oop! (She crosses Pridklers out chuckling) Pickles.

Cuts to Tommy and Chuckie.

Tommy: Hey Chuckie, did you see that?

Chuckie: What?

Tommy: I got all the way up to the machine, but I couldn't make the M&Ms come out. So you know what we gotta do now.

Chuckie: Wait quietly, while your mom finishes writing on that paper?

Tommy: No! We got to get back to the M&M machine and get our candy.

Chuckie: But Tommy, I really don't want to get into any more trouble, today.

Tommy: Alright. If you don't want any M&Ms, see you later.

''Chuckie scratches his head as Tommy starts crawling away. Chuckie then debates with his hands like a scale, on whether to go with him or not.''

Chuckie: M&Ms... Trouble... M&Ms... Trouble... M&Ms. Tommy, wait!

Chuckie follows Tommy while Didi is focused on her paper.

Didi: "Blood Type:" Hmm, I think I'm A-, but I'm not positive.

''Tommy and Chuckie crawls under the mini door labeled, "Authorized Personnel". They look up to see a man, Mr. Loew showing bank examiners, Agent Richter and Simms their bank tellers.''

Mr. Loew: And uh, these are our friendly tellers, gentlemen.

The tellers looked to the bank examiners and smiled.

Richter: Friendly tellers. Not a good sign.

Simms: Get too friendly, you forget about your job.

The two agents starts writing things down on their notepads.

Richter: And the trouble starts.

Simms: We've seen it before.

Mr. Loew feeling a little nervous as he extends his shirt collar proceeds to show the bank examiners the red buttons on the floor.

Mr. Loew: And uh, down here, you can see part of our security system. The red buttons are connected directly to the police station. If a teller steps on one, a SWAT team can have the bank surrounded in five minutes.

Richter: Five minutes, hardly record breaking.

Simms: Hardly.

The three grownups walked away as the babies walked by the tellers feet avoiding the red buttons, until they reached the window where they see a man trying to use the ATM machine.

Male Customer: Hey what's the matter with this thing?

Chuckie: Well, there it is, Tommy. But how are we going to get the candy?

''They turn to see a repairman in a room behind the ATM putting up a sign in front of the ATM saying "Sorry, closed for repair." The repairman starts leaving.''

Tommy: There's how. This must be it Chuckie. The place where they keep all the M&Ms.

Chuckie: Where Tommy?

Tommy: Up there. (Tommy points to the insides of the ATM machine.) Come on.

The babies starts climbing the machine.

Male Customer: Great! Broken! Like everything else in this miserable world these days.

Chuckie steps on a lever that puts away the repair sign and the machine starts spitting out money, which got the ATM customers excited.

Male Customer: What? Hey hey hey! Come on, baby! Daddy needs a new cellular phone!"

Tommy watches the money disappearing from above.

Tommy: Aww, no M&Ms in here.

Chuckie watches as the last of the money at the bottom vanishes.

Chuckie: None here, either.

Tommy: Maybe the man who was here before ate them all.

Security Guard 1: (from outside) Move aside! (he opens the front door) Big shipment, coming through.

Tommy starts climbing down from the ATM machine.

Tommy: You hear that, Chuckie? A ship for of mints. I knew this place had candy.

Chuckie starts licking his lips.

Tommy: Let's go.

The babies leave as the scene cuts to the bank vault door.

Mr. Loew: Oh good! Our mint shipment is here. This will give you an opportunity to see our vault team in action.

Richter: Mark it down. Mint shipment during business hours.

Simms: (writes it down) Highly irregular.

Richter: Highly.

Mr. Loew nervously straightens his tie as the security guards brings in the mint shipment and unlocks the security door and uses the two keys to turn off the laser beams, which Mr. Loew starts explaining.

Mr. Loew: This is a triple reinforced door, built of a titanium, kryptonite, alloy. When the door is open, this electric eye protects the inner vault by creating an impenetrable laser shield. If the beam is broken, the door will slam closed, sealing the intruder inside.

The babies walk by the three grownups undetected.

Mr. Loew: A fly couldn't get into this vault, undetected.

Richter: A fly, no. A corrupt bank official, who knows?

The babies walk in as soon as the security guards reactivate the laser beams and leaves.

Chuckie: Wow, Tommy. How much candy do you think they keep in here?

Tommy: Chuckie, look. Those must be the mints.

The two babies giggled as they start opening up a money bag to grabbed the so called 'mints' out of the bag.

Chuckie: (confused) What's this stuff, Tommy?

Tommy: (confused too) Doesn't look like candy.

Chuckie licks the 'mints'.

Chuckie: Doesn't taste like candy either.

Tommy: Maybe the candy's in the bottom of the bag. Like the prize in Reptar cereal.

Chuckie: Yeah.

Tommy: Keep looking.

The babies start digging through the bag as the camera pans up.

Chuckie: I don't see any, Tommy.

The camera pans down revealing floor covered with money.

Chuckie: This just looks like green wrapping paper.

Tommy blows a dollar bill up in the air then he saw something outside the vault.

Tommy: Hey Chuckie, look!

The camera switched to see an elderly lady, Mrs. Trencherman, looking at a ruby necklace in the deposit room.

Chuckie: Wowie!

Tommy: Candy!

The babies crawled under the laser beams out of the vault undetected while the security guards returned and spotted the mess they made and gasped.

Security Guard 1: Oh no!

The fat security guard walks through the laser beams without thinking, causing the security system to kick in.

Security Guard 1: Bruno, you clumsy oaf! You walked through the laser beam! (he gasped) Help! Help! Let me out of here!

''The skinny security guard ignores him and leaves. The scene then cuts to Mrs. Trencherman inspecting the rubies up close when Mr. Loew and the bank examiners arrived to greet her.''

Mr. Loew: Mr. Richter, Mr. Simms, this is Mrs. Trencherman. One of our bank's most valuable depositers. Mrs. Trencherman these are uh...

Richter: We're federal bank examiners ma'am. (he flashes his badge at her)

Mrs. Trencherman: (worried) Oh my goodness!

Mr. Loew: No need to be alarmed, Mrs. Trencherman. Just a routine investigation.

Mr. Loew chuckled as the babies walked into the deposit room.

Simms: Of course they all started out as routine.

Richter: You're telling me. (To Mrs. Trencherman) Nice rubies, ma'am. Obtained legally I presumed?

Mrs. Trencherman: Well, of course!

Richter: You know, Simms, it makes me sick when I think how criminal types have infiltrated the banking system around the country.

Mrs. Trencherman: "Criminal types"? Why, Mr. Loew I don't know who these 'gentlemen' are, but no one speaks to Harriet Trencherman that way.

The babies start pulling the rubies out of the deposit box on the table, while the grownups are distracted.

Mr. Loew: Gentlemen, please. Mrs. Trencherman is one of our oldest customers.

Mrs. Trencherman: (insulted) Old!? Why I... I...

Mr. Loew panicked as he and the bank examiners walked backwards out of the deposit room.

Mr. Loew: Mrs. Trencherman, when I said 'old', I didn't mean to imply-

Mrs. Trencherman: It's true, I'm no diddly schoolgirl, Mr. Loew! But I would hardly consider myself, old!

Mrs. Trencherman slams the door on Mr. Loew as Tommy and Chuckie inspects the rubies under the table.

Tommy: Hey these aren't candies, they're rocks!

Cuts back to Mrs. Trencherman.

Mrs. Trencherman: Old, indeed. At least I'm old enough to know the best way to hang onto my money. Not in cockamaining stocks and bonds. But in diamonds and rubies that will last forever.

''Mrs. Trencherman looked down to find her rubies missing. She shriek in terror and fainted flat on the ground. The two babies noticed her.''

Tommy: Must be her nap time.

As the two exit the room, they spotted Ms. Haze licking on a lollipop.

Tommy: Hey Chuckie, look. A lollipop! I bet she knows where the candy is.

Chuckie: (unsure) Oh, here we go again.

Cuts back to Didi still writing down on her paper.

Didi: "Great Grandmother's maiden name:" Gee, we always call her Boobie.

The two babies walked pass her unnoticed, as they follow Ms. Haze into the office belonging to Mr. Poltax.

Ms. Haze: Excuse me, Mr. Poltax.

Mr. Poltax: Ms. Haze, if I've told you once, I've told you a million times! Please don't interrupt me when I'm reviewing loan applications!

Ms. Haze: I'm sorry, Mr. Poltax.

The babies walked in while the two grownups argue.

Mr. Poltax: People's future are at stake here! These are life and death decisions! Don't let it happen again!

Mr. Poltax returned to his papers as Ms. Haze left.

Mr. Poltax: Approved! Aww, reject-

Ms. Haze rushed back in.

Mr. Poltax: Ms. Haze, I thought I-

Ms. Haze: Mr. Poltax! Mrs. Trencherman's fainted!

Mr. Poltax: Blast! I hope the old bat's alright! She's worth millions!

The two grownups rushed out of the office as the babies looked around.

Tommy: Wow Chuckie, look at this place.

Chuckie: I don't know, Tommy. It doesn't look like any candy store I've ever sawed.

Tommy: There's got to be candy in here someplace. Look around.

''As they look around Chuckie unexpectedly used a stamp to stamp on Mr. Poltax's papers. Tommy searches through the file cabinet. Then Chuckie noticed a computer on Mr. Poltax's desk.''

Chuckie: Hmm, I wonder what kind of TV this is?

''Chuckie pressed a key on the keyboard when the computer let out a raising beeping noise. The scenes cuts to man at another computer with the same beeping noise. Looking surprised, he gets on the phone excitingly.''

Man: Marty! Pork belly prices are going up like crazy! BUY! BUY! BUY!

The scene cuts to the New York Stock Exchange room where a bunch of investors try to buy stocks on pork belly, before cutting back to Chuckie at the computer.

Chuckie: Eh, that's not a good channel.

''Chuckie pressed another key on the keyboard which changes the beeping sound from raising to lowering. The scene then cuts to the same man at the computer, who gasped gets on the phone again in a panic.''

Man: Marty! T-there's been a change! SELL! SELL! SELL!

''The scene cuts back to the New York Stock Exchange where the investors panicked at pork bellies losing stock value. The scene switched back to Chuckie at the computer.''

Chuckie: Uh, this is the worstest TV I've ever sawed.

Chuckie gets off and approached Tommy who is clearing paper out of a folder.

Chuckie: Tommy, stop! There's no candy in here.

Tommy: Maybe, you're right Chuckie. Wherever they hide it, they hide it good.

Chuckie: I guess they don't want to share.

Tommy: Or else, they don't have as much candy as they let you think.

Chuckie: Come on. Let's go find your mom.

They left Mr. Poltax's office heading back to where Didi is.

Chuckie: You know, Tommy. Maybe they don't have any candy here at all.

Tommy: But if they don't have any candy, what's all the fuss about?

''As the baby walked by the tellers feet back to Didi, Chuckie accidentally stepped on one of the buttons which sets off the alarm at the police station. There, a female officer radios all active police cars.''

Officer: Calling all cars! Calling all cars! 2-11 in progress! 33rd and Main!

Scene cuts back to Didi finishing her paper as the babies returned to where she left them.

Didi: "Your weight on the moon in kilograms:" hmm... there. (she turns to Tommy and Chuckie) Sorry that was so boring, kids.

Ms. Haze returned to her desk as she brought out a bag of candy.

Ms. Haze: All finished now?

Didi: Yes, that certainly was a challenge.

Ms. Haze: I know, but rules are rules. You know, I must say, your kids are little angels. So well behave. Let me give you two a little reward.

''She got out two lollipops and gives them to Tommy and Chuckie, who gladly accepts them. The scene then changes back to the Pickle's van.''

Didi: You two, were great. Oh, it's such a relief to know that I can bring you with me when I do my errands.

''Scene cuts to outside the bank where bank examiners, Richter and Simms leave with suitcases full of money. With Mr. Loew chasing after them.''

Mr. Loew: B-but Agent Richter, Agent Simms. Our bank has a spotless reputation.

Richter: I'm sorry Mr. Loew, but until your security procedures are improved, we'll be taking this money down to headquarters to keep an eye on-

''Sirens are suddenly heard as the gentlemen are surrounded by police cars. Where the same female police officer from before appear from one of them.''

Officer: Hold it right there, you two!

The other officers secure the bank examiners.

Mr. Loew: (confused) B-but Officer, what is the meaning of this? These men are bank examiners.

Officer: Bank examiners? HA! These two are the most notorious bank robbers in the whole country. We've been after 'em for years.

Mr. Loew gasped at this revelation.

Officer: Thank goodness, someone had the foresight to trip the alarm. Otherwise, we might never have caught them.

Mr. Loew: Y-you!

Mr. Loew angrily takes the suitcases back.

Richter: I don't know where we went wrong. It should've been like taking candy from the baby.

''As Didi pulls out of the bank's parking lot an overhead view of the bank's parking lot is seen. As the Pickle's van pulls out of view, the screen fades to black.''