Weaning Tommy/Transcript

''[The episode opens up with Tommy drinking out of his bottle. Upon finishing the bottle, he giggles and smiles, as his parents walk into his bedroom.]''

Didi: Oh, Stu, I don't know why you're so worried. Everyone needs to go sooner or later

Stu: But Deed, he only has one tooth

Didi: Well according to the Lipschitz Baby Book as soon as the first tooth appears, it's time to take the baby to the you know where

Stu: I can't believe you wanna take him to the dentist

Didi: Shh. Don't say dentist. You'll scare him

Stu: Oh come on. He doesn't know what a...you know is

Didi: Just say tooth fairy. It sounds nicer

Stu: Tooth fairy? That's who leaves quarters under your pillow. Those other guys use drills and needles. I don't wanna think about it

Didi: Oh, just because you're afraid, of the tooth fairy doesn't mean Tommy will be

Stu: Afraid? I'm not afraid of tooth fairies, or their drills...or their metal instruments

[Didi looks through the diaper bag to make sure it's packed for the trip.]

Didi: Now, let's see. I've got diapers, wipies, books, blankets, a cap, a change of clothes, bandages in case of an emergency and two extra bottles of juice

[Didi picks up Tommy.]

Didi: Time to go see the den..to see the tooth fairy

[Now at the dentist office, Tommy is in the dentist chair with Stu and Didi by his sides, the dentist, with a creepy looking smile on his face, peering at Tommy.]

Dr. Homer: Open. Open

[''Tommy refuses to open his mouth. He appears to be very nervous.]''

Didi: What's the matter, sweetie? The dent...uh, the tooth fairy isn't going to hurt you. No, no. He just wants to take a little peak inside your mouth. Come on, honey. Just a little

[Dr. Homer holds up a dolly in front of Tommy.]

Dr. Homer: Dolly says, "open"

Didi: Come on Tommy please, be a good helper and open your mouth. For daddy?

Stu: [muttering quietly] Be a good helper

[''Tommy moans nervously. Dr. Homer is holding up a toy truck.]''

Dr. Homer: Open the gate for the truck to come through

[Didi is holding up a stuffed bunny.]

Didi: Open your mouth for Mr. Snuggle Bunny

''[Dr. Homer is holding up a lollipop.]''

Dr. Homer: I'll give you this nice sugar free sucker if you open

[''During all of these attempts, Tommy refuses to open his mouth. Finally, Dr. Homer puts on a mask that looks like Reptar, and starts making monsterous noises, at which point, Tommy opens his mouth.]''

Dr. Homer: Uh-huh. Uh-hu. Ahh. Yes, I see

[As Dr. Homer is saying all of this, he's carefully examining Tommy's one tooth, which is on the bottom row, over towards the frunt right side of his mouth, as we're getting a view of what Dr. Homer is doing from inside Tommy's mouth.]

Dr. Homer: You'll have to clean it carefully, or be prepared to face some serious consequences

Stu: Thank you Dr. Homer

''[Dr. Homer stops Stu.]''

Dr. Homer: Uh, open your mouth

Stu: What?

Dr. Homer: Open your mouth!

[Stu reluctantly opens his mouth for Dr. Homer to examine him.]

Dr. Homer: How long have you had that cross bite, Mr. Pickles?

Stu: [in surprise] Crossbite?

Dr. Homer: [muttering] Hmm. Weaned too late as a child. [in a normal tone of voice] I'll have to recommend you to a specialist. A year or two of braces should fix that right up

Stu: [surprised again] Braces?

[They start to leave the dentist office, as Tommy reaches into the diaper bag to get out a bottle, only to knock it on to the floor of Dr. Homer's office, making a small spill of juice on the rug.]

Dr. Homer: Oh, he's not still on the bottle, is he?

Didi: Well...

Dr. Homer: I think now that he's got a tooth, it's time to wean him

Didi: You mean...take him off the bottle? But he's barely a year old

''[Dr. Homer pulls down a chart on his wall that shows two pictures. Dr. Homer is pointing to a child in the picture who has rotten teeth.]''

Dr. Homer: This boy...his parents didn't think it was important to wean him

[Dr. Homer is now pointing to a child in the picture with a perfect smile.]

Dr. Homer: This child...Well, you get my point

''[Dr. Homer rolls up the chart back into the wall.]''

Dr. Homer: Oh, uh, here, have a balloon

''[Dr. Homer hands Didi a balloon as they leave the office. Later on at night, Tommy is now in his crib, happily drinking his bottle as Stu and Didi tuck him in to go to sleep.]''

Didi: Dr. Homer knows about teeth. Teeth are his life

Stu: But Tommy loves his bottle. We can't just, take it away

Didi: Stu, if we don't take care of this Tommy might have to wear braces someday

[Tommy is heard giggling in the background as Didi says this.]

Stu: Braces. Oh, yeah. The kids will call him metal mouth or tin grin or...silver sidewalk Stu or something

Didi: Tomorrow morning, first thing

Stu: First thing [As they say this to each other, they shut off the lights in Tommy's room, as Tommy finishes his bottle and falls asleep, feeling good and happy. ''The next morning, Tommy is in his highchair, eager to start the day, until Didi hands him something new. A sippy cup with a smiley face on it with the word "Mr. Tippy" written on it. Tommy stares at the cup and frowns in disappointment.]''

Didi: See, Tommy? You drink out of here

[She points to the spout on the sippy top.]

Didi: This little spout is where the milk comes from

[Tommy sees one of his old bottles on a high shelf and points to it, cooing in excitement.]

Didi: Oh, please try your cup, sweetie pie. You've got to get use to it

[Disappointed, Tommy turns the cup upside down, dripping milk all over the floor.]

Tommy: Hmm...

[A little while later, Tommy is sitting on the kitchen floor, banging a pot on the floor.]

Tommy: Ohh...

''[The telephone rings. Didi, who was cleaning out all of Tommy's old baby bottles in the sink, stops what she is doing and runs over to answer it.]''

Didi: Hello? Oh, hi, Betty. Yeah, we're fine. But this thing with Tommy and the tooth fairy is really getting to me

[Tommy uses this opportunity to escape and go look for his bottle.]

Tommy: Ooh...

Didi: I am so glad to hear that. It's so hard. He's being very difficult

[First, he crawls out of the kitchen and looks in the living room.]

Tommy: Under my toys

''[Tommy looks through a pile of toys in his playpen, but doesn't find a bottle. Then, he looks behind several other places in the room, behind the TV being one of them, but nothing. Then, he gets an idea as he stares over at the sofa.]''

Tommy: The sofa?

''[Tommy peers beneath the sofa to find a bottle, but can't reach it. So using a toy bulldozer, he tries to get the bottle out from beneath the couch. He's successful, but once its released from its hiding place, it rolls in the direction of where Didi is standing in the kitchen, still talking to Betty on the telephone.]''

Didi: Talk to you later. Bye-bye

[As Didi hangs up the phone, the bottle lands at her feet.]

Didi: Oh, here's one I missed

[''Didi picks up the baby bottle and goes to wash it off with the others, as Tommy continues to look through the living room, when he rummages through a basket of assorted items. Thinking he has found a bottle, as he sees a nipple sticking up from the pile, he picks it up, only to be sadly disappointed when it's revealed to only be a pacifier. Tommy throws down the pacifier in disgust and disappointment. Phil and Lil have shown up to play, and they're now seen, drinking out of their bottles. Tommy crawls towards them, looking thirsty and sad.]''

Tommy: Phil? Lil? I need a drink

Lil: Well where's your bottle?

Tommy: When I woke up this morning it was gone

Phil: Gee, that's too bad

Lil: Yeah. Sorry Tommy, I wish we could help

[Phil and Lil return to sucking on their bottles.]

Tommy: I don't get it. How come you two can get a bottle and I can't?

Phil: I don't know. How come Angelica gets to go to daycare all day and we don't?

Tommy: They took my bottle away and gave me this dumb cup with a happy face on it

Lil: Did you do anything bad?

Tommy: I don't think so. They took me to this guy who put his fingers in my mouth

Phil: Did you bite them?

Tommy: Nope

[Cut to the couch across the room, where Didi is talking to Betty.]

Betty: Weaning? At one-year-old? That's the dummest thing I ever heard. My pediatrician Doc Mulligan doesn't even want me to start thinkin' about weanin' the twins until they're two

Didi: I know, but the dentist said...

Betty: Did you get a look at his dental school diploma, Deed? Ha, guy's probably a quack

[Didi puts a finger to her lips. Back in the playpen.]

Tommy: Um, do you want to share?

Phil: We're not suppose to

Tommy: Oh. A little sip?

Phil and Lil: Nuh uh

Tommy: I'll give you something

Phil: What?

[Tommy is holding up a set of play stacking cups.]

Tommy: My stacking cups

Phil: You're missing some of them

[Tommy is now holding up a board book.]

Tommy: My snowman book?

Lil: I read it

[Tommy is now riding on a toy ride on tractor.]

Tommy: My ride on tractor?

Phil and Lil: Hmm...

Lil: No. We're suppose to get one for our birthdays

Tommy: [disappointed] Oh

''[Then, Tommy gets an idea. Tommy is pointing in the direction opposite from where Phil and Lil are looking.]''

Tommy: Hey, look over there. It's a big green scary monster with red eyes!

Phil and Lil: [panicking] Where?!

''[Phil and Lil drop their bottles in a hurry to the ground, just as Tommy snatches one of them up and starts drinking from it. Just as Tommy starts drinking from it, Didi catches him in the act, runs over to the playpen, and picks up Tommy, taking the bottle out of his hand, at which point, Tommy tries to reach for it, just as Lil starts sucking on her bottle very fast, so as to finish the contents of the bottle before Tommy can get a hold of it.]''

Didi: No, no, no. Honey, I'm sorry, but Doctor Homer says you're too big for bottles now

[''Didi puts Tommy on the floor outside of the playpen, at which he stares in at Phil and Lil, moaning in disappointment, a huge frown on his face. Later that day, Tommy is now in his crib taking a nap, when he starts to have a bad dream. The dream starts with him going through a green and black striped wormwhole.] ''

Didi: No, no, no. You're too big for bottles

Dr. Homer: No more bottles, but how about a balloon?

[''As he's saying this, his head with no body is spinning around the wormwhole, as Tommy crawls past him. Soon, Tommy is now crawling through another wormwhole, that's blue and orange striped on either side, with a light at the end. As he's crawling along a sidewalk path towards the light, Phil, and Lil's heads fade in and out, repeating things he heard earlier that day.]''

Phil: Sorry, Tommy

Lil: Yeah. Sorry. Wish we could help

[As Tommy reaches the light, it turns out to be Stu's open mouth, at which Tommy falls in.]

Stu: Crossbite?

[Tommy falls into Stu's mouth. ''After Tommy falls into Stu's mouth, he lands on the back of Stu's tongue, where several baby bottles surround him. As Tommy reaches for the bottles, they disappear, as he hears Didi's voice in the background.]''

Didi: No, honey. I'm sorry, but Doctor Homer says you're too big for bottles...

[Didi's line, too big for bottles continues to echo, as Tommy continues to reach for the bottles, when he falls out of Stu's mouth down on to the kitchen floor.]

Tommy: Ooh. Bottle! Bottle!

[The bottle is smaller than a crayon, walking on the kitchen floor, barely coming up to Tommy's knee.]

Bottle: Here I am, Tommy. Down here

Tommy: [cackling] Bottle

[Tommy picks up the bottle, which is so small, it fits perfectly between his thumb and index finger.]

Bottle: Sorry, Tommy, but you're way too big for me

[The bottle jumps out of Tommy's hand as it runs across the floor, and Tommy tries to reach for it.]

Tommy: Hey!

Mr. Tippy: Hey, Tommy!

Tommy: Bottle?

Mr. Tippy: No, Tommy, it's time to use me now

''[Tommy turns around to see a giant sippy cup that looks similar to the one he was forced into using that morning before him. The cup now has arms and legs, as it continues to smile. The cup chases Tommy through the room, until the cup has him cornered at a cliff.]''

Mr. Tippy: Drink me!

Tommy: No!

Mr. Tippy: Drink me!

[Tommy is now jumping up and down in frustration.]

Tommy: No! I want my bottle!

''[A giant bottle that's twice Tommy's size with arms and legs walks into the room. His face is part of the nipple.]''

Giant Bottle: Did somebody say bottle?

Mr. Tippy: Drink me!

Giant Bottle: Go away!

[Just then, the giant bottle defeats the sippy cup by splattering milk on it, causing it to fall of the cliff into a ravine with river of milk]

Giant Bottle: He won't bother you anymore, Tommy.

Tommy: But what do I drink out of now? I'm too big for bottles.

Giant Bottle: I'm a big people's bottle, Tommy. You're just the right size for me.

[Tommy giggles and embraces the giant bottle, just as he starts to drink from the giant nipple. Tommy hears his name being echoed several times, at first, in the voice of the giant bottle, until it turns into Didi's voice, at which time, he wakes up from the dream to see Didi peering down at him in his crib.]

Didi: Tommy? Tommy? Tommy? Did you have a nice nap?

[Tommy looks up at his mother with disappointment. ''Later in the kitchen, Tommy is once again in his highchair, with another sippy cup. Unhappy, he tosses it on to the floor.]''

Lou: Aw, just give him a bottle. My brother Sparky drank from a bottle for 15 years and he's got a bite like a bear trap.

[''Stu attempts to give Tommy more milk in the sippy cups. He even goes as far as to give it to him with the sippy top off of the cups, at which Tommy knocks it off of his highchair on to the floor, splattering milk everywhere, at which Spike comes along, and starts lapping up.]''

Didi: Oh...

[Didi is moaning in frustration when Spike licks up the milk. Didi is now putting Tommy to bed in his crib.]

Didi: [disappointingly] I'm sorry, honey but we just can't give you a bottle. You'll get used to the cup, we promise.

[Tommy starts bawling at the top of his lungs, as Didi turns out the lights, closing the door behind her, leaning against it in defeat.]

Didi: This is terrible.

Stu: I feel so rotten.

Didi: I know, but we agreed.

Stu: Right. He has to get used to this.

Didi: We have to wean him.

[As Stu and Didi are having this conversation outside of Tommy's bedroom door, he is heard, still crying in the background. Later that night, the entire house is dark, as Stu, Didi and Lou all enter quietly into the hallway, carrying bottles.]

Stu: Oh. Hi, pop.

Lou: Uh...just looking for my TV guide

Stu: I was just, uh...hey, what are you doing here, Didi?

Didi: Well, I was just, uh...wait a minute. What are you doing here? Shh

[They open the door to Tommy's room, and stare in at him, asleep in his crib.]

Stu: Aw...he's sleeping

Didi: We'll give him back his bottle tomorrow

[Stu and Didi leave the room, but before Grandpa Lou can leave, Tommy reaches out and snatches the baby bottle away from him. Tommy happily giggles, as he starts to drink the bottle.]

End of Episode