Beauty Contest/Transcript

''[The episode begins with Tommy on a rocking horse wearing a cowboy hat in front of the TV. A cowboy show is on the television.]''

[We then see Lou reading the paper.]

Lou: Dag-Bird Democrats.

[Lou flips to an advertisement for the little miss lovely contest, a local beauty contest.]

Lou: Hm, Little Miss Lovely contest first prize for the baby girl a boat load of toys, and for the proud father. The Kingfisher 9000 now that's a fishing boat, too bad Tommy's not a girl.

[As Lou looks up at Tommy, he sees him as a girl, with long blonde hair, and dressed in a dark blue skirt and shirt.]

Lou: Hello, Tommy!

[We then cut to Lou going down to the basement where Stu is working on his latest toy.]

Lou: Hello, Stu.

Stu: Hello, Pop.

Lou: Stu, do you ever wish Tommy was a girl?

[Stu stops what he is doing and looks at Lou confused.]

Stu: Come again?

Lou: I was just wondering what Tommy look like in a dress.

Stu: Pop, what are you talking about?

[Lou takes out the paper to show Stu.]

Lou: Well, I was just reading the paper, and I came across this Little Miss Lovely contest, you know for baby girls?

Stu: And?

Lou: And I was thinking maybe we could dress Tommy up like a girl and enter him in the little miss lovely contest this weekend. What do you say?

Stu: Are you off your nut? No one's gotta cross-dress my boy and stick him in some beauty contest!

[Lou then shows the first prize to Stu.]

Lou: First Prize.

Stu: Huh? Hmm...

Lou: Uh-huh.

''[We then cut back to Tommy who is still on his rocking horse. When grabbing his cowboy hat, he falls off the rocking horse.]''

Tommy: Oh!

[Stu and Lou then enter and grab Tommy.]

[They take him down to the basement were Lou puts a blond wig with a purple bow on Tommy.]

Lou: How about this one?

Stu: Yeah, and check out this party dress.

[Stu proceeds to display the dress which is dark green, and also has a purple bow.]

Stu: Goes great with the blonde wig, huh, Pop?

Lou: Nope. Too gaudy. If you ask me, the pants suit has more of that feminine edge.

[Lou then display the pant suit which is a yellow and blue dress.]

Stu: Maybe we should take another look at that retro 60's flip wig.

[Stu shows the wig.]

Lou: Say, how about a yellow-wig wag with a spoon?

Stu: Huh?

Lou: A yellow wig-wag with a spoon.

[Lou shows Stu a magazine with an advertisment for the product which is a special lure.]

Lou: Troat fishing in America weekly says it's the best lure for bug-eyed carp.

Stu: Bug-eyed carp...

Lou: Right out there in the middle of lake Wickiwocki.

Stu: In our Kingfisher 9000.

[All of a sudden the doorbell alarm from "Tommy's First Birthday" goes off.]

-Doorbell! Doorbell! Doorbell! Doorbell! Doorbell!

[Didi opens the door, it is Betty Deville who is holding Phil and Lil in her arms]

Didi: Oh, hi, Betty.

Betty: Hiya, Deed. Mega-long day. Hey, let's pen these pups and brew some java, huh?

[Stu and Lou put Tommy in the playpen with his wig still on.]

Betty: Howdy, boys.

''[Stu notices the wig and proceeds to take it off of Tommy. He then hides the wig from Betty.]''

Stu: Hi, Betty. We're just off to, uh...

Lou: Rotate the tires.

Stu: Yeah.

Lou: We'll be back in an hour.

Stu: Yeah.

[Stu and Lou then leave, and Betty puts Phil and Lil in the playpen as well.]

Didi: You've just got to try my new vaneze roast, Betty.

Betty: That the stuff that comes in those little cans?

Didi: No. It comes in little premeasured packets. they dissolve after a minute or so.

Betty: Hah, what will they think of next.

[With the adults gone, Tommy talks to the twins about what happened in the basement.]

Tommy: Something's going on in here. Daddy and Grandpa are acting pretty weird.

Phil and Lil: What do you mean?

Tommy: Well, they keep talking about fishing which had something to do with me wearing a wig and dressing up like a girl.

Phil: What's a wig?

Tommy: I think it's this little furry animal that sleeps on your head.

Lil: How come you gotta dress up like a girl to go fishing?

Tommy: I don't know. I wish I didn't have to. I don't think I look so good as a girl.

Phil: Ah, it's no big deal, Tommy.

Lil: Yeah. Me and Phil trade places all the time.

Phil: And nobody ever notices.

[Lil gives her bow to Phil.]

Lil: Okay, now watch.

[Phil begins to cry which brings over Betty and Didi. Betty picks up Phil to try to comfort him.]

Betty: Oh, what's a matter with my beautiful baby girl? Ah, the girls seem to cry more then the boys at this age.

Didi: Mm-hmm.

[Phil stops crying and Betty puts him back in the playpen and taps Lil on the back.]

Betty: Oh, my big brave baby man. Guess they're okay, Deed. Now, where were we?

Didi: Well, we were talking about the differences between men and women.

[When Betty and Didi leave Phil gives the bow back to Lil.]

Phil and Lil: See?

[As Tommy stares at the twins we cut to the next morning as Stu and Lou are talking Tommy and a box full of supplies to the car.]

Stu: Quiet, Pop. Don't slam the door.

[Lou then proceeds to slam the door anyway.]

Stu: I told you not to slam the door.

Lou: Well dag nabbet you made me nervous!

Stu: Okay, okay. I just don't want Didi to find out about the contest.

[As Stu says that Didi opens the door to see what Stu and Lou are doing.]

Didi: Where are you guys going?

Stu: Uh, we're, we're just heading off.

Lou: To do things.

Didi: Oh.

Stu: You know manly things.

Didi: But what about Tommy? Did you bring enough diapers, and a bottle, and baby wipes, and something to play with?

[As Didi is talking Lou is looking into the box of supplies.]

Lou: Yeah. It-- It-- It-- It's all here.

Didi: Oh. Well, okay. I wonder if they remembered his rice crackers.

''[Lou and Stu arrive at the Little Miss Lovely Contest. In the parking lot Stu takes out the party dress from earlier and puts it on the front seat. While Lou proceeds to put makeup on Tommy. The makeup covers the entire screen, and next we see Tommy completely dressed as a girl. He is seen next to another girl lifting up his dress looking at what is under it, he is wearing white panties underneath. In addition to the dress he is wearing the blonde wig, as well as matching shoes with bows on them just like his dress. The girl standing next to him sees what he is doing and stares at him. Tommy lets go of the dress and blushes in embarrassment.]''

Backstage Attendant: Okay, you'll be the first to go on now, Cindy-Lou. Stand right here.

Angelica: (singing) My country tears of thee...

Drew: That's "tis of thee", pumpkin.

[But Tommy isn't the only Pickles at the Little Miss Lovely pageant: Drew is there, having entered Angelica as well.]

Tommy: Angelica!

Drew: (to Angelica) Keep going, muffin but a little sweeter.

Angelica: (singing) Sweet land of lizardy...

Backstage Attendant: I'm afraid you'll have to take your seat now, sir. We're about to begin.

Drew: Oh, sorry. (to Angelica) Now, remember, smile and move, honey. Smile and move.

Angelica: Okay, daddy.

[Angelica pushes Tommy.]

Angelica: Don't I know you?

Tommy: (in a girl voice) Uh, no. I don't think so.

Angelica: I know this, goldilocks: next to me, you're the cutest little girl in the show.

Tommy: (in a girl voice) Um, you really think so?

Angelica: Pretty funny, kid, but remember this: if you win, you're going to regret it.

[On stage.]

Announcer: That was little miss Cindy Lou. Our next contestant is little miss Ashley!

[Tommy is peeking through the curtains.]

Tommy: Ooh!

[Lou and Stu are sitting in the audience.]

Lou: I can taste those bug-eyed carp now!

Stu: We'll tell Didi we won the boat in a, uh... crossword puzzle contest.

Lou: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Angelica taps Tommy on the back and he turns around gasping.]

Angelica: Having fun, goldilocks? Just remember what I told you.

[The opportunity for Angelica to bully Tommy ends.]

Backstage Attendant: Angelica, you can talk to your little friend after the contest. It's your turn to go on.

Angelica: Oh, goody. I can hardly wait.

[Moments before Angelica starts, Didi sits down next to Drew in the audience, because he invites her to join them for some reason.]

Drew: Thanks for coming on such short notice, Didi.

Didi: Since grandpa and Stu took Tommy for the day I had a little time on my hands.

Announcer: And now, ladies and gentlemen our next contestant, little miss Angelica!

''[On stage, Angelica is very popular with the judges. Stu is horrified to see her there because it means Drew is there, too, but Grandpa Lou doesn't care (although he was horrified too).]''

Stu: Angelica?! That-that means Drew is here!

[With Drew and Didi.]

Drew: Smile and move. And smile and move. Smile and move. Do the song. Do the song.

Announcer: Now, for our final contestant...

Angelica: Wait a minute! I still got to do my song. (clear throat) (singing) My country tears of thee. Sweet land of lizardy. A bee I sing. Land that my father buys. Land of my chillin' pies. From every...

[With Stu and Lou.]

Stu: We got to find Tommy and get out of here, Pop!

Lou: Huh? What about my boat?

[On the stage.]

Angelica: (singing) Let freedom r-i-i-i-n-n-g-g!

''[The judges scores drop, and Drew cries as the song ends. Backstage.]''

Backstage Attendant: It's your turn, sweetheart.

[With Stu and Lou.]

Stu: Come on, Pop!

Lou: No! I want that boat!

[Lou and Stu goes through the backstage door.]

Backstage Attendant: Can I help you, gentelmen?

Stu: We need to take little Tom... uh, Tonya home right away.

[On stage.]

Announcer: And now, our final contestant little miss Tonya!

[Backstage.]

Stu: Oh, no! We're too late!

[Tommy is too young to be taught how to perform songs and dances, but it works out in his favor as the judges find him to be adorable just by being himself tripping over the cords and swinging around.]

Audience: Aww...

-That is the sweetest little girl I've ever seen.

[With Drew and Didi.]

Didi: You know, Drew, that child looks so familiar.

''[Tommy's leg is caught by the microphone stand cord and stumbles over which reveals his frilly panties to the audience. The audience and judges delight in the sight of it all and give an awwww to the cuteness of it all giving very high scores.]''

Lou: That's my girl... uh, boy.

Stu: This can't be happening.

[On stage.]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen the judges have made their decision. And now, our next little miss lovely...

Drew: Come on, Angelica!

Lou: Kingfisher 9000. Kingfisher 9000. Kingfisher 9000!

Announcer: Tonya Pickles!

Didi: Tonya Pickles?!

Announcer: Little Tonya was entered in our contest by her father and grandfather. Step forward to claim your prize!

Didi: Why, of all the nerve! I'll... I'll...

[A reluctant Stu (due to Drew's presence) and Grandpa Lou arrive on stage to collect their prize, but are interrupted by Didi who has also gone onto the stage.]

Stu: Didi! What a nice surprise.

Announcer: What's this about, ma'am?

Didi: I'll show you what this is about. Does this look like a Tonya to you?

''[Didi, furious, whips off Tommy's wig in front of the whole audience. The audience and judges are horrified, and Angelica is crowned winner instead (as she had the highest score prior to singing).]''

Lou: Hmm... Angelica is my granddaughter after all.

''[Didi and Stu take Tommy home. Didi is furious.]''

Stu: I still don't know why we couldn't have waited for grandpa.

Didi: Grandpa can just have a nice walk home. He needs to do a little thinking anyway.

[They are passed by Drew and Angelica (who silently taunts Tommy), and are pulling a Kingfisher 9000 filled with toys and with Grandpa Lou sitting in the front, much to Stu and Didi's dismay.]

End of Episode