Let Them Eat Cake/Transcript

(after a shot outside the Pickles residence, we cut to a shot of Stu, Didi, Charles, Drew, and Ben walking all over the living room getting dressed up for a special occasion; Tommy and Chuckie, also dressed up, are watching)

Chuckie: What's everybody running around for, Tommy? How come they dressed us up in these funny clothes?

Tommy: That's what they do when they're gettin' married.

Chuckie: Gettin' married?

Tommy: Yeah! That's when they dress you up real nice and they give you a big cake!

Chuckie: A big cake?

Tommy: Yeah! A real big cake!

Chuckie: Ooh! I think I'm starting to like this idea, Tommy! Come on! Let's go get married!

Angelica: (dressed as a flower girl) You babies are so dumb! You're not getting married!

Tommy: We're not?

Angelica: No! The bride and gloom are getting married! You're just gonna watch! Sheesh! (exit)

Chuckie: Oh... Tommy, what's a gloom?

Tommy: I think... (points) That might be a gloom!

Chuckie: What?! Where?! (relieved to see Stu fixing up Ben's bowtie) Oh. Tommy, that's just your Uncle Ben.

Tommy: Yeah, I know, but I think he might be a gloom too.

(cut to Stu and Ben)

Ben: I don't know, Mr. Pickles.

Stu: Ben, I'm your brother-in-law. Would you quit calling me "Mr. Pickles"?

Ben: Okay, Mr. Pickles. The thing is I don't think I can go through with this.

Stu: Ah, Ben, don't think about it as losing your freedom. Think of it as gaining a whole bunch of awesome responsibilities.

Drew: Hey, how do you feel, pal? Nervous?

Stu: He's petrified.

Ben: Listen, I wanna thank you again for letting Angelica be our flower girl. She's just adorable.

Drew: Hey, you're my little brother's wife's brother. In my book, that makes you family. I mean, not close family, of course. I mean, not the kind you'd lend money to, but...

Didi: Hurry up, everybody! We're going to be late.

Tommy: Chuckie, this is it!

Chuckie: Cake, here we come!

(cut to the Chapel of the Bells multiplex wedding mall; Stu and Charles are pushing strollers holding Tommy and Chuckie respectively, with Didi and Lou alongside)

Charles: Oh, golly! I still can't believe Didi's baby brother is getting married! Why, it seems like only yesterday he was running around in short pants screaming!

Stu: That was only yesterday, Chas. Remember the bachelor party?

Charles: Oh, yeah!

(cut to Drew, Charlotte, and Angelica with Ben; Charlotte is talking on her cell phone)

Ben: Maybe I'm making a mistake. I mean, marriage is a lifelong committment.

Charlotte: One second, Ben. (to her phone) Jonathan, listen; if MacElroy calls, I'm in a meeting with Yamaguchi; if Yamaguchi calls, I'm in a meeting with MacElroy. Got it? (to Ben) Don't worry, Ben. Tax-wise, you're doing the right thing.

(Stu, Didi, Lou, Charles, Drew, Charlotte, and Angelica enter the wedding mall with Tommy and Chuckie; they all look around)

Chuckie: Gee, Tommy. There sure are a lot of people here looking for cake.

Stu: There must be ten weddings going on here.

Charles: (weeping) It's all so beautiful.

Charlotte: (talking on her cell phone) Listen, Jonathan, I think I can stall MacElroy, but Yamaguchi's another story. Hold on. (to Larry, who is now a steward) Pardon me. Do you have fax facilities here?

(Larry shrugs)

Angelica: Mommy, do I look beautiful?

Charlotte: Of course, you look beautiful, sweetie. (to her cell phone) No, Jonathan, I was talking to my daughter. (we hear a voice on her phone that sounds like it's saying "What about me?") I'm sure you look nice, too.

(cut to Stu, Tommy, Charles, Chuckie, Didi, Ben, and Lou)

Chuckie: I don't see any cake, Tommy.

Tommy: All these people must be here for something, Chuckie. (looks and points) Chuckie, look!

(Tommy and Chuckie see a magnificent wedding cake being rolled in on a cart by two chefs; it looks tantalizing to the two boys; the grown-ups see it too)

Chuckie: Wow! That's the biggest cake I ever sawed!

Tommy: Yeah! And pretty soon, we're gonna be eatin' it!

(the cart with the cake is rolled away)

Tommy: Hey, where's it goin'?

(Stu and Charles push Tommy and Chuckie's strollers to the place where Ben and Elaine's wedding will take place; during the wedding, Stu, Didi, Charles, Tommy, Chuckie, Charlotte, Drew, Lou, Boris, and Minka are seated in the first two pews)

Charlotte: (talking on her cell phone) Jonathan, I really have to go now! I'm at a friend's merger... I mean, wedding. (silences her cell phone)

(pan down to Tommy and Chuckie)

Chuckie: I can't believe it, Tommy. We were that close.

Tommy: Don't worry. They'll bring it back any minute now.

(cut to Angelica with a basket of flowers)

Angelica: Now, let me get this straight: all I gotta do is throw these flowers around, and then everybody looks at me and says how beautiful I am?

Wedding Assistant: That's right, little girl.

Angelica: Okay, I can do that. I can do that real good. And don't call me "little girl"! (frightens the wedding assistants)

(cut to Charles weeping as though he were attending his wife's funeral, instead of a wedding)

Stu: Get ahold of yourself, Charles. It's just a wedding.

(the organist plays "Take Me Out to the Ball Game," to the confusion of the wedding guests; as soon as she realizes her mistake, the organist begins to play "Here Comes the Bride" as Angelica walks down the aisle tossing flowers all over the place; the guests fawn over her as she greets them)

Angelica: Hello! Nice to see you! Thank you! I am beautiful, aren't I?

Guest: Hey, isn't that the little brat who tore up our petunias last summer?

(cut to Tommy and Chuckie playing with the flowers)

Charlotte: (on her cell phone) Oh, Jonathan, you should see her! She's just like a little angel! Awww... Now, about those contracts, Jonathan...

(Angelica has finished throwing around her flowers, gazes up at Ben, and smiles; the organist again plays "Here Comes the Bride" as the guests all look behind them; but they see that the bride hasn't shown up on time; a wedding assistant whispers into the minister's ear)

Minister: What do you mean, they can't find the bride? (clears his throat) Uh, ladies and gentlemen, there will be a slight delay due to, um, technical difficulties.

Ben: (panicked) What's going on? Where's Elaine?! Elaine? Elaine!

(cut to the pew where Tommy and Chuckie are sitting)

Chuckie: Where's the cake, Tommy? We could be waitin' here forever!

Tommy: You're right, Chuckie. I think it could be forever if we wait.

Chuckie: If?

Tommy: We could go find the cake ourselves?

Chuckie: But, Tommy, we can't! We... Wait a minute. I know what's gonna happen. The same thing that always happens when you wanna do something crazy, and I know it's a bad idea! First, you say we gotta do it.

Tommy: Yep.

Chuckie: And then I say we can't, and you tell me a whole bunch of crazy reasons for why we gotta, and then I still say no.

Tommy: Yep.

Chuckie: And then, in the end, you trick me into doin' it anyway!

Tommy: Yep.

Chuckie: So, why don't we just skip it this time, and I'll just give it a go?

(Tommy and Chuckie leave the pew; cut to Drew and Charlotte)

Charlotte: So, there's no bride! The wedding isn't a total loss. Angelica looked beautiful! (speaks Japanese to Yamaguchi-san on her cell phone)

(cut to Tommy and Chuckie crawling past the wedding guests, including Tommy's own grandparents, unnoticed; cut to Ben talking to the wedding assistants)

Ben: Describe her? Oh, how can I possibly describe Elaine? She's like a ray of sunshine penetrating the shadows of a life that unbeknownst to itself had been lived in total darkness until the day we met.

Wedding Assistants: Yeah, yeah, but what color is her hair?

Ben: Her hair? I don't know, um, brown? No, no, I think, maybe it's more blond? Or was it red?

(Tommy and Chuckie crawl past him too; soon, they leave the wedding garden and return to the interior of the building)

Chuckie: Maybe we should go back.

Tommy: We can't give up now, Chuckie. That cake's gotta be around here somewhere.

Chuckie: What if it's not, Tommy? What if they're back there eatin' it right now?

Tommy: Chuckie, look!

(the two babies see the wedding cake)

Chuckie: Wow! It's even bigger than I remember!

Tommy: Come on! (he and Chuckie get up on their feet and begin to walk towards the cake; but soon, they approach a hallway with multiple doors; they go into one of the rooms)

Chuckie: I don't know if we should go in there, Tommy. (Tommy pulls him in)

(Ben is shown walking through the same hallway)

Ben: Elaine? Elaine? (as soon as he opens one of the doors, he hears a woman screaming; he promptly covers his eyes) Oops! Sorry! (closes the door) Elaine? Oh, I don't know what could have happened. Where could she have gone?

(cut to Stu, Didi, and Charles)

Stu: Ah, she probably got cold feet. Didi disappeared for three days before our wedding.

Didi: (elbows him in the stomach) Stu! (notices that Tommy and Chuckie aren't in their spots) Charlotte, where are the kids?

Charlotte: Relax, Didi, they're right here. (sees that they're missing) Well, they were right here.

Didi: (realizes that the babies have run off) STU!

(cut to a Jewish wedding; the bride and groom are seated on chairs while the guests sing "Hava Nagila" and dance the Hora around them; Tommy and Chuckie are wandering to the table where three men are seated)

Chuckie: What's going on, Tommy? These people are acting crazy!

Tommy: I don't know! I don't see any cake!

Chuckie: Let's get outta here!

(Tommy and Chuckie exit the room with the Jewish wedding; cut to the hallway)

Tommy: Come on. Through here. (he and Chuckie enter another room)

(enter Stu and Didi)

Stu: Don't worry, Deed. They gotta be around here somewhere.

Didi: Oh, let's try in here. (they enter a room right at the moment where the bride is about to toss her bouquet) I don't think they're in here, Stu.

Stu: (accidentally catches the bouquet) Look, Didi! I caught the bouquet!

Didi: (throws the bouquet at the bridesmaids) He's already married! Come on. (pulls Stu away)

(the bridesmaids scramble to grab the bouquet; cut to a hippie wedding just outside the wedding hall)

Hip Guy: It is therefore a beautiful thing that you, Willow, and you, Elvis, have, spiritually speaking, agreed to dine as one. Together may you partake of the feast of life, as we who are gathered here partake of this feast of 13-grain granola.

(Chuckie eats a couple handfuls of granola)

Chuckie: (sighs) There's no cake here, Tommy.

Tommy: You're right, Chuckie. I'm sorry. (sits on a cart that, unbeknownst to him, is holding the cake) I never should have brought you here. Who knows where that cake is now? Could be a million, zillion miles away.

(Chuckie sits on the cart with Tommy, whereupon the cart starts to move)

Chuckie: It's okay, Tommy. Cake's not everything. (notices the cart is moving) W-what's happening?

(Tommy and Chuckie realize that the cart is moving, and they look up)

Tommy: The cake!

(as the cart with the cake rolls down the hill, the chefs see this and run after it; the cart rolls past a tree)

Chuckie: Make it stop, Tommy!

Tommy: I can't!

(they scream as the cart rolls through a military wedding; the cart also rolls under a table full of refreshments; soon, Tommy gets an idea)

Tommy: Jump, Chuckie! (he and Chuckie jump off the cart as it rolls away with the cake on it) Oh... There goes our cake.

Chuckie: Let it go, Tommy. Let it go.

Elaine: What are you two doing here? (Tommy and Chuckie see her sitting on a bench)

Chuckie: Who is she?

Tommy: I don't know, Chuckie. She looks so sad.

Elaine: Did you guys run away too? Well, I bet you didn't do it for the same reason I did. Oh, it's not that I don't love Ben, it's just that... well... getting married is so... final. I just wish Ben weren't so sure of everything all the time. Isn't he ever scared? Doesn't he ever have doubts?

Ben: Elaine! Elaine! (runs up to Elaine) Elaine, are you all right? I've been looking everywhere for you!

Elaine: I'm fine. I was just scared, I guess.

Ben: Scared? Why, Elaine, there's nothing to be... Actually, Elaine, I'm scared too. I've never been more scared of anything in my life. But, gosh, Elaine, I love you!

Elaine: Oh, Ben! I love you too! (she and Ben share a kiss)

Ben: (notices the two boys) Tommy, Chuckie! What are you doing here? Did you guys find my bride for me? (he and Elaine embrace as Tommy and Chuckie watch)

(fade to the reception; the organist is playing some romantic music as Ben and Elaine share their first dance as husband and wife; Drew dances with his daughter Angelica; Boris dances with his wife Minka; and Lou dances with one of the wedding assistants; as they watch Ben and Elaine dance, Didi, Charles, and Charlotte are all moved to tears)

Charlotte: (talking into her cell phone) Oh! Oh! They're so beautiful, Jonathan! (wipes her eyes) Now, about those contracts... (a garbled voice at the end of the line sounds questioning) What?! What do you mean you don't have the paperwork?! It was supposed to be done a week ago! I'll have your job for this, Jonathan!

(meanwhile, Tommy and Chuckie are just helping themselves to some wedding cake)

Chuckie: You know something, Tommy, I wish we could get married every day.

(Tommy nods and burps into the camera)