Crime and Punishment/Transcript

''[ Chas is driving his car. Chuckie is in his booster seat, and is playing with a steering wheel on a toy dashboard.]''

Chuckie: (vrooming and making car noises)

Chas: Attaboy, Chuckie! You're driving the car just like Daddy! Make sure you keep both hands on the wheel. Oh boy, Chuckie, you're sure growing up fast. Pretty soon, you'll be talking, then going to school and graduating from college, and going out on your first date and then... ''[As he is talking to Chuckie, Chas goes through an intersection without stopping at the stop sign. A police officer on a motorcycle who was stopped near the intersection follows after Chas with their siren wailing. Chas looks up into his rear view mirror.]'' Okay, be calm. It's just a traffic cop. [Chuckie looks around, worried.]   Keep your hands on the wheel...do exactly what he says... (gulps) and above all, don't make any sudden movements. ''[He pulls over. The motorcycle stops behind the car and the cop gets off and walks up to Chas's window. Chas puts his face into the glass of the window.]''  ( in a muffled voice): Hello, officer. [He looks embarrassed, and rolls down the window.] Hello, officer.

Naomi: License and registration, please.

Chas: Oh, uh, yes, sir. [Naomi bends down and Chas gets a proper view of her.] I mean...Ma'am. (gulps) [Naomi looks over at Chuckie.]

Chuckie: [covers his eyes] (gasps)

Naomi: Hey, little fella. What's your name? ''[she lifts up the visor on her helmet. Chuckie is reflected in her thick sunglasses.]''

Chuckie: (yells)

''[The scene transitions to the Pickles' house. Chuckie is in the playpen with Tommy, Phil and Lil. Angelica is in the room, playing with Cynthia. She glances over while Chuckie is talking to the babies.]''

Chuckie: I'm telling you guys, it was awful! She had on a big, round, shiny hat, and glasses that was like a mirror, and she was riding this great big motor bicycle. Ooh.

[In the kitchen, Chas is sitting at the table, talking to Stu, Didi and Charlotte.]

Chas: So, anyway, it turns out Naomi -That's her name- is also a clog dancer, and just as nice as can be. Well, anyway, I hope you don't mind, but I invited her over for coffee this morning. I mean, I would have invited her over to my place, but... well, the maid hasn't been in lately. Well, never, actually...

[Cut back to the playpen.]

Chuckie: And then, the worstest thing of all happened.

Tommy: What, Chuckie?

Chuckie: My Daddy "imbited" her to come over here today!

Tommy, Phil & Lil: (gasping)

Lil: What'd he do that for?

Chuckie: I don't know, but I'm pretty sure he was scared, 'cause he could hardly talk, and he kept making this, this funny face, like this: [he puts on a goofy expression] ooh, ooh.

Angelica: Don't you know anything? That lady with the big round hat and the shiny glasses was a police cop.

Chuckie, Tommy, Phil & Lil: Oh!

Tommy: Uh, what's a police cop, Angelica?

Angelica: (Tsk) [She gets up and walks to the playpen]. A police cop is somebody who catches you when you do something wrong and makes you sorry.

Lil: You mean like she puts you in timeout?

Angelica: "Ezactly". 'Cept, when a police cop finds out you did something wrong, she puts you in jail!

Chuckie, Tommy, Phil & Lil: Jail?

Angelica: Jail is like a bazillion times more horribler than timeout. They put you in a dark, scary, drippy room with metal bars all around you. ''[The background becomes a dark brown color. A goopy substance pours down over top of the babies' heads. Bars come down in front of the babies, as they stand, shivering from fear. Angelica is shown on the other side of the bars, looking in at the babies.]'' And you'll never see your mommies and daddies again. [The living room comes back into view, with Angelica looking in through the bars of the playpen.] Well, gotta go. Lucky for me, my mommy's picking me up. Bye, babies. [She waves and walks away.]

Chuckie: Oh, no, you guys! What if we do something wrong? I'm too little to go to jail!

Lil: Yeah, who'll tuck us in at night?

Tommy: Hold on, you guys. Angelica said the police cop would only take us to jail if we did something wrong. So, all's we gotta do is be good, and not do any bad stuff from now until the police cop goes home.

Phil: Can we do that?

Chuckie: Sure, we can. Let's all just sit down and play a nice, quiet game of "roll the ball". [He walks up to a ball and picks it up.]

Tommy: Good idea, Chuckie. ''[The babies all sit down. Chuckie rolls the ball to Lil, and she rolls it to Tommy. Stu and Chas walk out of the kitchen.]''

Stu: So, how about it, Chas? Are wedding bells in the air? [He nudges Chas with his elbow.]

Chas: Oh, please! (chuckles) I just met her! ''[Didi comes out of the kitchen as well and stands beside Stu as Chas walks up to a mirror. He takes off his glasses.]'' So, what do you think? How does the Chas Man look without the old specs?

Stu: Chas Man?

Didi: But, Charles, you're blind as a bat without your glass-- [Chas tries to walk into the kitchen, but bumps into the wall.]

Chas: Oh!

Didi: Oh, dear. Charles, are you all right?

''[Chas staggers into the kitchen and crashes into something else. Stu and Didi walk in after him.]''

Chas: Ah!

[In the playpen, the ball rolls up to Chuckie.]

Chuckie: Boy, this "roll the ball" game sure was a great idea! It's fun, it's safe, and it doesn't even break any rules. ''[He throws the ball up, and it bounces off his head. It lands right on top of Chas's glasses, which he had left lying on the table under the mirror. The ball snaps the glasses in half, and they fall to the floor.]''

Chuckie: (gasps) [Tommy unlocks the playpen with his screwdriver, and Chuckie runs out and picks up the broken glasses.] Oh, no, what are we gonna do?

Tommy: The firstest thing we gotta do is hide 'em before the police cop gets here!

(horn honking)

Chas: I'll get it!

Chuckie, Tommy, Phil & Lil: Uh-oh!

[Chas bumps into the wall again.]

Chas: Ow! Ooh. I guess you're right, Didi. I better wear my glasses. [He stumbles into the table] Oh! [He feels around for his glasses, and reaches for Chuckie.]

Chuckie: (gasps)

[Chas feels the glasses and grabs them.]

Chas: Oh, no. What did you kids do? ''[He looks in the mirror and holds up the separated frames to his eyes. Oh, I can't even fix them with tape like I usually do, or I'll look like a nerd. [He puts the pieces into his pocket and sadly walks away.]

Chuckie: Oh, no! What if he shows the police cop the broken glasses?

Tommy: Then she'll for sure take us to jail!

''[Chas opens the door. Naomi's motorcycle is parked in the yard, and she comes walking up, with her motorcycle helmet under her arm.]''

Naomi: Hello, Chas!

Chas: Hi, Naomi! Oh, I'm so glad you could make it. [The babies walk up and stand behind Chas.]

Chuckie: We're doomed!

Tommy: Not if the police cop doesn't find out about your daddy's glasses.

Lil: But how are we goin' to keep them from telling her?

Tommy: Well, we're going to have to separate 'em before he does.

Phil: Okay!

Lil: That sounds easy!

Chuckie: We're doomed!

''[The babies are standing in the living room. Didi, Chas and Naomi walk up to them.]''

Didi: And here are the babies. This is Tommy; he's mine. These are the twins, Phil and Lil. And, of course, Chuckie, you've already met.

Naomi: Oh, they're adorable!

Chas: Well, don't let their looks fool you. They can be a handful. ''[The camera zooms up to one of the broken frames in Chas's pocket. It shimmers. The babies stand together, looking afraid.]''

Naomi: Well, I'll just have to watch them real close then, won't I? (laughs) [The grownups walk away.]

Chuckie: Did you hear that? Huh? We gotta figure out how to get her out of here before she finds out about the glasses and we all go to jail!

Lil: Maybe we could throw up on her shoes!

Tommy: Hmm. I think the bestest way to get Chuckie's dad away from the police cop is if he had to take Chuckie home.

Chuckie: How are we gonna make him do that?

Tommy: All's we gotta do is make him think you're sick. Come on! ''[He walks away with Phil and Lil. Chuckie follows after them.]''

Chuckie: I don't like the sound of this!

[The babies walk into the bathroom.]

Tommy: I saw on the TV that when doggies get sick, their mouths get all foamy. I bet that if Chuckie's dad sees his mouth all foamy, he'll think he's sick and take him home. [He grabs a bar of soap from the bathtub.]  Here, Chuckie, lick on this. [He holds the soap out for Chuckie.]

Chuckie: No way! I'm not gonna lick some yucky bar of soap!

Phil: I will!

Tommy: No, Chuckie has to do it!

Chuckie: Oh, all right. ''[He licks the soap. Bubbles come out of his mouth.]''

Phil (to Lil): Maybe we could have some when he's finished.

Lil: Yeah! ''[Chuckie licks the soap again. More bubbles and foam start to appear in his mouth.]''

''[At the kitchen table, the grownups are looking at a photo album. They look at a picture of Stu standing beside a cigar store Indian who has on a big red headdress.]''

Chas: Boy, Didi, I forgot how long your hair used to be. [The others give him awkward looks.]

Chuckie: (growling)

Stu: Oh my gosh, the kids! ''[He runs off with Didi, and Naomi follows them. Chas sets out to join them, but falls over a chair.

Chas: Ah! [He gets up off the floor, puts the chair back, and goes to join the others.]

[Chuckie has foam all over his mouth, and is glaring and making sounds, attempting to look rabid.]

Chuckie: (growling and snorting)

[Stu, Didi and Naomi come out of the kitchen to see what the trouble is.]

Stu, Didi & Naomi: What's happening? Is something wrong? What is it?

[Chas comes running out after them.]

Chas: What is it? What's the matter with the kids? What? [He sees Chuckie.]  Aah! Mad dog!! Save the children!! [He grabs the umbrella stand, and walks right into the wall with it, falling backwards.]

[Chas is now washing Chuckie in the kitchen sink, while everyone else watches.] Now, that's it, Chuckie. Just take little sips.

Chuckie: (gasping and spitting)

Naomi: I've never seen a little boy who washes his own mouth out with soap. Have you been up to something, Chuckie?

[Tommy, Phil and Lil look at each other, worried.]

[The babies are back in their playpen.]

Chuckie: Bleach! That tasted terrible!

Phil: Oh, I don't know. (burps out a bubble of soap)

Lil: Now what are we gonna do, Tommy? I think she's on to us!

Tommy: Hey, I got it! Remember the time Chuckie got squirted by the skunk? Well, I bet if we got him really stinky again, his daddy would have to take him home.

Lil: Where are we gonna find a skunk?

Chuckie: Nope. Nuh-uh! No way am I gonna get all stinky!

Tommy: You gotta, Chuckie! It's the only way to save us from going to jail. Come on, let's go find some stinky stuff. [He walks off with Phil and Lil.]

Phil (to Chuckie): Boy, you get to have all the fun.

Chuckie: (sighs) [He walks after them.]

[The babies are in the garage.]

Tommy: Okay, Phil, start looking!

Phil: (sniffing) [He climbs up on a stool and lifts up a lid on a trash can.]  Phew, that's a good one! All right, guys, this is it! [He knocks over the trash can, spilling garbage out.]

Tommy: Come on, everybody! Let's make Chuckie stinky! [Tommy, Phil and Lil rub garbage on Chuckie.]

Chuckie: (sighs)

[The grownups are sitting at the kitchen table, having coffee.]

Chas: And contrary to popular belief, the life of a middle-management paper-pusher is both challenging and rewarding.

[Stu, Didi and Naomi all start sniffing the air.]

Stu: Phew, that stinks!

Chas: Hey, I don't make fun of your job!

Stu: No, I mean something really stinks! [he holds his nose.]

Chas: Huh? Oh. [He puts his hand up to his nose.] Oh my gosh, what is that?

Stu, Didi & Chas: The kids! ''[Stu and Didi get up and run. Chas gets up, too, but stops and pushes in Didi's chair, to avoid falling over it. As he's trying to run out of the kitchen, he crashes into the wall and falls on his back.]''

Chas: Oh!''[He sits up and looks back at Naomi, who has come up to him. He smiles goofily at her.]'' Hah!

''[Chas puts a new shirt on Chuckie. Chuckie also has new shorts on.]''

Chas: Chuckie, what has gotten into you? [He looks at Naomi.] I don't know what's gotten into him. [He starts to put Chuckie's shoes on.]

Naomi: Are you a little troublemaker, Chuckie? (chuckles) Am I going to have to take you to jail? [Chuckie gasps and grabs onto Chas.]

Didi: Charles, that shoe goes on the other foot.

Chas: Oh, right, I knew that.

Naomi (muttering to Stu and Didi): I'm beginning to understand why he ran that stop sign.

''[In the back yard, Tommy, Chuckie and Phil march with the hose. They stop by the garden, where tomatoes are planted.]''

Tommy: Okay, Chuckie, your daddy already changed your clothes once. After you get all muddy, you won't have nothing else to wear, and they'll have to take you home. Okay, Lil, turn on the water!

[Lil turns on the hose.]

Lil: (giggles) [She and Phil watch the water moving through the hose.]

Phil: Man, now he gets his own mud puddle to jump in! Chuckie's having the best day of my life! [The water comes out of the hose, and Tommy sprays the tomato patch.]

Chuckie: Yeah, well, it's the worst day of mine. Even if I jump in the mud, we're still all going to jail anyways. I just know it! [He puts his head down, and begins to cry.] (sniffling) [Tommy, still watering the garden, exchanges sad looks with Phil and Lil.]

[The grownups are again at the kitchen table.]

Chas (to Naomi): Would you like some more coffee?

Naomi: I'll get it. [She gets up and sees the babies outside the kitchen window.] Hey, are the kids supposed to be outside?

Didi: Outside?

Stu: Oh, no, my tomatoes!

Chas: Don't worry, Stu. I'll handle it. [He opens the door and starts to step out into the yard.] Chuckie, kids, stay out of the muuuuuuud! ''[He slips on mud and slides, crashing into the fence, and sitting in a mud puddle. The pieces of his broken glasses have fallen beside him. He picks them up. Naomi Stu, and Didi come outside, and they also slip and slide in the mud. They all end up with Chas in the mud puddle.]''

Stu, Didi & Naomi (yelling)

[Naomi holds Chas's broken glasses.]

Naomi: Suddenly, it's all clear to me. Maybe if you put these on, it would be clear for you, too. If you like, I'll tape them together for you. [She hands the pieces back to Chas.]

Chas: That would be nice.

Tommy: Hey, the police cop founded the glasses, and she's not even mad!

Chuckie: Yeah, I don't think she's gonna put us in the jail after all!

Chuckie, Tommy, Phil & Lil: (laughing)

Phil: Well, I'm tired of Chuckie having all the fun!

Lil: Me too!

Tommy: Hey, wait for me!

Chuckie: Oh, well. ''[The babies run up to the mud puddle, laughing. The grownups brace themselves.]''

Stu, Didi, Chas & Naomi: No!! [The babies jump in the puddle with a big splash, and everyone (including the grownups) is sitting and laughing in the mud.]

Chuckie, Tommy, Phil & Lil, Stu, Didi, Chas & Naomi: (laughing)