Bad Blood/Transcript

''[The episode begins at the school grounds with several kids secretly passing a video tape around. A male student puts the tape into his locker and leaves the area. Just as the student is nowhere in sight, the student's locker opens and shows Dil in an awkward position with the tape on his head.]''

Dil: Yes! (rolls out of the locker, now with tape in hands.) Yes! YES!

''[The next scene shows Tommy dissecting a frog in the biology lab. Dil pops up from behind his desk.]''

Dil: Okay bro, how many times have you scoffed at my shadowy network of underground contacts? Well I finally paid it off. BIG TIME!

[Dil notices the frog Tommy is dissecting.]

Dil: What are you doing?!

Tommy: (pushes Dil away) Can't you see I'm trying to operate?

Dil: Without anesthesia?! Are you insane, man?!

Tommy: It's already dead.

Dil: I see you're really beating yourself up inside.

Tommy: Dil!

Dil: Okay. Deep breath. (pulls out the video tape) Bro, I got my hands on a real life alien autopsy video! Apparently you can see everything! His lungs, his kidneys, all three hearts, and his gooey vainy pulse alien thing (Tommy gags at the vivid scene) but I've taken the liberty of naming it a "spoink".

Tommy: So it's okay to cut up alien but dissecting a frog is wrong?

Dil: Don't ruin my moment with your called "logic". I had to pull some serious strings to get this tape.

[A girl looks at Dil as he's talking about the tape and Dil tries to look casual but failing.]

Tommy: Well I hate to break it to you but these things are fake.

Dil: Give me a little credit, T. I got this one from a high schooler.

Tommy: 10th grade?

Dil: 11th.

Tommy: Ooh.

Dil: And we are watching it tonight.

Tommy: Mom wouldn't let us watch scary stuff.

Dil: Lucky for us mom and dad are going to an invention convention all weekend.

Tommy: You're right! Grandpa Lou is coming over.

[The bell rings and everyone clears the classroom.]

Dil: So we'll milk the relaxing sound of gunfire from his favorite western and he'll be passed out in front of the television by 8, drool on the recliner by 8:30.

[Tommy opens his locker.]

Tommy: And we're the only ones who know about this right? We have to keep this on the low.

Dil: Just you and me bro!

[Phil enters the scene.]

Phil: Really for the ultimate alien experience!

Tommy: Dil!

[Tommy closes his locker and starts to walk down the hallway.]

Dil: Maybe I told one person.

Lil: (excitedly) So when are we watching this alien getting ripped apart?

[Tommy glares at Dil.]

Dil: Okay two people. But they say twins are like spiritual halves so theoretically still just one.

Tommy: Okay fine. So it's just me, Dil, Phil and Lil.

[Chuckie enters.]

Chuckie: Hey guys!

Tommy: Chuckie, don't tell me you wanna see the alien autopsy video?

Chuckie: You guys got an alien autopsy video? Count me out! I'm terrified of aliens, doctors, and tools. Why? Are you all watching it?

''[Next scene is at Tommy's house. Stu honks the car horn impatiently. Inside the house, Didi walks down the stairs, carrying luggage.]''

Didi: Coming!

[Didi makes it at the end of the staircase.]

Didi: You have all the emergency numbers?

Grandpa Lou: Let's see: 91 -- what was that last number again? 

Didi: And Tommy, I'm counting on you to keep your little brother out of trouble.

Tommy: No problem, mom.

Didi: Which means bed by 9 and nothing inappropriate on television.

[Next scene show Grandpa Lou getting relaxed in the recliner in front of the TV.]

Grandpa Lou: It sure is nice to kick back after a busy day of writing angry letters to the soap company. I scrub and scrub but I never feel clean.

[Dil turns on the television to Grandpa Lou's favorite western show.]

Grandpa Lou: Oh, Gunfire and Tumbleweed Lane. It's a classic.

Dil: Rest your dogs in his highly relaxing mixture of hot water, bath salts, and cucumber slices.

Grandpa Lou: This is great boys. (yawns) I feel like a king.

Tommy: Just let the cares of the world slip away, Grandpa.

Dil: Slip away! Slip away!

[Tommy and Dil successfully sneak off.]

Grandpa Lou: Slip away... slip -- (falls asleep.)

Dil: Operation Eye-Crust is a success!

Tommy: You have the tape?

Dil: It's in my pants.

Tommy: Didn't ask where.

''[Tommy and Dil move quietly through the house and down into the basement. Both boys come to a halt when they hear the doorbell ring.]''

Tommy: Oh no, I told them not to ring the bell they'll ruin everything!

[Tommy and Dil run back up the basement stairs.]

Dil: Grandpa Boris?

Grandpa Boris: My kids! (embraces them into a tight hug.)

Tommy: What are you doing here?

Grandpa Lou: Yeah, what's he doing here?

Grandpa Lou: Me? What are you doing here?

Grandpa Lou: Watching my grandsons.

Grandpa Boris: I am here to watch my grandsons! Stuart called me, Louis.

Grandpa Lou: Oh yeah? Well Didi called me and the name's Lou!

Grandpa Boris: I'll call you what I always called you, "Smanrick."

Grandpa Lou: You! That's it! My blood is up!

Dil: How are we going to watch the tape with two grandpas here? They'll never fall asleep! Their blood is up!

Tommy: Well I guess we have to wait until the middle of the night and then sneak down stairs.

Dil: There is something I forgot to tell you. We only have the tape until 10 o'cloak.

Tommy: What?! When were you going to tell me that?

Dil: At the last possible moment.

Tommy: Dil!

Dil: You just have to talk Grandpa Boris into going home. I would do it but I don't speak old person and I can't get the "huggrrkk" sound.

Tommy: Uh!

[Tommy walks over to the two grandpas.]

Tommy: Um, listen. Grandpa Boris I'm sure you got better things to do on a Friday night than babysit a couple of kids.

Grandpa Lou: That's right so I guess just mousy on home and don't let the door hit ya on the way out!

Grandpa Boris: Okay, I'll go home! But I expect to be back with gas and mileage! (shuts door behind him.)

Grandpa Lou: See? He knows who's better at taking care of kids.

Grandpa Boris: (enters) What did you say Smanrick?!

Grandpa Lou: You heard me just fine!

Grandpa Boris: I'm staying! And I'll show you how to take care of kids!

[Scene ends with Tommy and Dil looking at each other, worrying what to do and the scene after show Tommy and Dil in the kitchen.]

Dil: What a total bust! How are we going to see the video if our grandpas are not acting like normal grandpas and pass out on the couch? I don't get it. Why do Grandpa Lou and Grandpa Boris hate each other anyway?

Tommy: Don't know. Some big family mystery.

Grandpa Lou: How about mac n' cheese for dinner, kids?

Grandpa Boris: Junk food! You don't know what's good for kids! I know how to feed children and make them grow.

Grandpa Lou: Didn't work for you. The only thing that grows on you are your earlobes! (opens fringe) I know. I'll make my Scottish grandmother's haggis. That'll put meat on your bones.

Dil: What's haggis? If I really wanna know...

Grandpa Lou: It's high-ping hot sheep stomach filled with hard kidneys and oatmeal.

Tommy and Dil: Ew!

Dil: I'll call the hospital and reserve some rooms!

Grandpa Boris: You see that? That's not what kids want to eat! Ask them. Which would you boys like to have? Delicious, nutritious beats and cabbage and maybe pickled tongue or a stinky old haggis?

Dil: Uh maybe a little of both...?

''[Both grandpas serve their meals to Tommy and Dil. The door bell rings and Tommy and Dil stand up.]''

Tommy and Dil: I'll get it!

Grandpa Boris: No, I'll get it. You kids enjoy your dinner.

[Tommy and Dil look at the meal in disgust.]

Grandpa Lou: I didn't want to say anything in front of Boris but that tongue didn't look very fresh. And I'm not saying you'll get explosive diarrhea but --

Grandpa Boris: Look whose joining us!

[Next scene is back in the kitchen but now with Chuckie, Phil, and Lil.]

Chuckie: I thought we were here to see an alien autopsy, not eat one.

Grandpa Lou: Alien autopsy?

Dil: You oldies! "Alien Autopsy" is a new underground dance move that's sweeping the nation! Show 'em, T!

[Tommy smiles awkwardly and makes up a random dance on the spot.]

Tommy: (while doing the dance) Alien. Autopsy. Yo.

Dil: No offense, T but just keep that in the kitchen.

Tommy: Just eat up and get to the video.

''[The kids look at the food in disgust, not daring to eat any of it... except for Phil, who is seeming to be clearly enjoying every bit of it.]''

Phil: Man, this haggis is incredible! Think you can make more?

[Phil eats all the other kids' haggis.]

Lil: Alright, who's ready to see an alien get its serum get ripped open?

Chuckie: Maybe you guys can watch it and give me the highlights tomorrow.

''[The others stare at Chuckie ignored. Then it cuts to the kids walking down to the basement.]''

Grandpa Boris: What are you kids doing?

Tommy: Haha, we're just going to play some video games, Grandpa.

Grandpa Boris: Okay. (turns to leave.)

Grandpa Lou: Okay?! You're going to let them rot their brains with those video games? I'll entertain them myself!

Tommy: No no, Grandpa! That's okay we don't wanna to entertained, do we guys?

[The other kids agree.]

Grandpa Boris: What do you know about entertainment? You're from Cleveland! Everyone knows all the best entertainers come from (insert the Russian place he said).

Grandpa Lou: I can out entertain you any day, any place.

Grandpa Boris: Oh yeah?

Grandpa Lou: Yeah!

Grandpa Boris: We'll let the kids judge whose got more talent! Everyone in the living room!

[The kids are all now sitting on the couch as both Grandpa Lou does his own form of entertain by drumming two spoons on his knees as he dances.]

Grandpa Boris: You call that hillbilly music entertainment?!

[Boris grabs the a curtain and wraps it over his shoulders and starts speaking Russian.]

Grandpa Lou: What the heck is this?

Grandpa Boris: It's Russian Theater you redneck!

Grandpa Lou: Kids, just wait. I'll be right back.

[Next scene shows Lou spinning plates on sticks.]

Grandpa Lou: I picked this up from my great uncle the "Sideshow Carnie". The trick is to stay completely focused on ---

''[Boris then grabs Lou with his cane. Several minutes pass by as the two grandpas entertain the kids.with this absurd "talents".]''

Dil: What are we going to do? We only have this tape until 10.

Lil: I say we knock them out with something blunt!

Tommy: You're kidding right?

Lil: Yeah... of course...

[Boris and Lou are now on the floor.]

Grandpa Boris: Let's take an intermission. I'm pooped.

Grandpa Lou: (out of breath) Tired already? I haven't even brushed off my game material yet.

Dil: While you two are relaxing, we'll just go downstairs and play that "educational" video game.

Grandpa Lou: But you haven't voted.

Grandpa Boris: That's right! Now whose a better entertainer? Me or Smanrick?

Tommy: You were both equally entertaining, right guys?

[Lil and Chuckie agree.]

Phil: I liked the spoon act!

[Lil angrily elbows Phil.]

Grandpa Boris: What! They're just spoons! They're a centuries old tale of loathe and redemption!

Grandpa Lou: You're full of Clumpnish!

Tommy: Let's just forget it, Dil! They're never going to fall asleep.

Dil: We can't forget it.

Tommy: Why not?

Dil: There is something else I forgot to tell you.

Tommy: What else did you forget to tell me?

Dil: That I invited ten other kids to come over and watch the tape with us.

Tommy: What! I thought we were keeping this on the low!

Dil: Hey, that was just the A List.

Tommy: We're not showing this tape to ten kids, Dil! Mom put me in charge. I'm responsible what happens.

[Phil notices Tommy's rash on his cheek.]

Phil: Are you okay T-man?

Tommy: (still scratching) Nothing I can't handle.

Phil: It looks like a stress rash to me.

Lil: Is that like Psoriasis?

Chuckie: No, this is Psoriasis. (lifts up shirt.)

[The others look away in disgust.]

Lil: Yeah.. and you guys are going to make it through an alien autopsy video.

Dil: I have an idea. They both like to play Poker right? If we could get them to play, they'll be distracted for hours and we could sneak everyone downstairs.

Chuckie: I don't know play Poker.

Dil: Good! The faster we lose, the faster we sneak away.

''[Next scene is back in the kitchen with Phil shuffling the Poker chips. He lays down his cards, confidently.] ''

Phil: Read 'em and weep, amigos.

Lil: You're suppose to lose, Phillip.

Phil: What can I say? I'm hot!

Phil: Okay, 7 cards total.

Tommy: I fold.

Dil: I fold.

Lil: I fold.

Phil: Let's see...

[Lil grabs Phil's cards and lays them down the the table.]

Lil: Phillip folds!

[Phil crosses his arms and glares at Lil in annoyance.]

Dil: Looks like it's just Grandpa Lou and Grandpa Boris, the two bad boys of Poker.

Grandpa Lou: You ready to get spanked?

Grandpa Boris: Like to see you try.

[The kids sneak away into the basement as the two grandpas face off against each other in Poker.]

Tommy: I thought we never get away from them.

Dil: (stands on table) If I could take a moment to say a few words about the alien who gave his life for the advanced stand of science and thousands of dollars of mail order video sales. Mr. Alien, though I never knew you..

Lil: Just start it!

Dil: Okay okay!

Tommy: Who wants popcorn and barf bags?

Chuckie: I'll take some of each.

Lil: Quiet, it's starting!

Phil: Lillian, is that actual drool coming out of your mouth?

Lil: (sucks drool back into her mouth) No...

[Chuckie screams.]

Dil: It's just static, C-man.

[The kids hear the two grandpas bicker.]

Tommy: Just ignore them.

''[A loud thud is heard and the kids run back upstairs. The kids go back into the kitchen and discover the two grandpas knocked the table over, ready to fight one another.]''

Grandpa Boris: You're going down, Smanrick!

Grandpa Lou: Me? You don't know who you're dealing with! I was a wrestling champ in high school.

Grandpa Boris: Ha! Back in the old country, I used to wrestle bears!

Grandpa Lou: That's because you are one, you hairy animal!

[Both grandpas take off their shirts to reveal their out-of-shape old bodies.]

Phil: (covering his eyes) Ah, old man boobs!

Lil: This is actually grosser than an alien autopsy! ""