Ruthless Tommy/Transcript

''[The episode begins with a close-up of the "D" Keychain of Didi's car keys. Outside the playpen, Didi nervously paces the floor.]''

Didi: Oh, what did I do with those? Where are they? [Tommy coos.]

Didi: Did I leave them up here? Oh, could they be under here?

[Didi opens a drawer and rummages through it.]

Didi: No. Oh, where are they?

''[Didi turns around and sees that Tommy is holding her car keys. She and Lou walk up to him.]''

Didi: Tommy, sweetheart

[Didi takes the car keys from Tommy.]

Didi: How did you get those?

''[Tommy coos. Didi groans and walks away.]''

Didi: Oh. Anyway, Pop--Stu's glued to his workbench downstairs

[Didi returns, with her purse on her shoulder.]

Didi: So, I was hoping you wouldn't mind watching Tommy.

[Lou crosses his arms in disapproval.]

Lou: Actually, I was planning on training for the decathalon this morning.

Didi: Thanks, Pop

[Didi kisses Lou, then walks away.]

Didi: You're a prince. Have fun with Grandpa, Tommy

[Lou follows Didi to the front door and watches her walk out.]

Lou: Sure, sure, go on. Take an old man for granted

''[Lou walks up to Tommy, but leaves the front door open. The sound of Didi driving her car away can be heard.]''

Lou: When I was her age, we didn't have half-price sales. Had to walk 15 miles to the store

[The camera zooms in on the front door.]

Lou: And pay full price when we got there

''[Tommy yawns, rests his head on his teddy bear, and drinks from his bottle. He soon falls asleep.]''

Lou: Good idea, Scout. Take a nap and keep us both out of trouble.

''[Lou, who is now holding a coffee mug, walks up to his chair. He sits down in it and drinks from his coffee mug as he picks up the remote and turns the TV on with it. A fishing show can be seen on the television, which the camera zooms in on.]''

Announcer: And now, Fish Time, the all-fishing network presents, Swimming Downstream. The touching story of a young salmon who dared to be different

''[Lou falls asleep and snores. Tommy opens one eye. He looks over at Lou, then at the open front door. He decides to go outside and play, so he picks up his teddy bear, which squeaks, and tosses it aside, revealing a pair of pliers underneath. He opens the latch of the playpen with the pliers and walks out of the playpen and past Lou. He walks out the front door and closes it. Tommy is now outside. He sees his ball in the front yard and coos, then climbs down the porch and walks up to it. A car stops in front of Tommy's house, and inside are two criminals, Mike and Bob.]''

Mike: "Hey, that must be the joint right there. Number 66, right?

''[Bob holds up a piece of paper that says, 99. He turns it over, making it look like it says 66.]''

Bob: Yeah, right. Uh, Number 66.

[Bob pulls the paper down, revealing Tommy's house behind it.]

Bob: Say, it don't look like no millionaire's mansion

[The camera cuts to A close-up of Mike's mouth.]

Mike: Well, looks can be deceiving. Millionaires are weird

[The camera moves over to Bob's mouth.]

Bob: Hey, what is this, a setup? Where's the parents?

''[Tommy can be seen playing with his ball on the sidewalk. He turns around and starts playing with it in the grass.]''

Mike: Who cares? Just grab him

''[Tommy looks up and stares in shock as Bob reaches for him. He whimpers as Bob grabs him and carries him away. Bob runs back into the car.]''

Bob: Quick! The ransom note!

''[Bob is now holding a piece of paper. It says, '''RaNSoM Note DeAr RoNald tHuMP: if you evEr WAnna SEe yOUR PrecioUS liddlE bABy tHUMP aGAiN, briNg A millioN sMackErs iN unMaRkeD bills to 22 elM StReET. P.S. We MEaN it, AnD WE're VEry BiG cRiMinals. Just ask Around. LOVE Bob aNd Mike.]'

Mike: Dear Ronald Thump, if you ever wanna see your precious liddle baby Thump again, bring a million smackers in unmarked bills to 22 Elm Street. P.S. we mean it, and we're very big criminals. Just ask around. Love, Bob and Mike.

''[Bob smiles and holds up his thumb and index finger in the shape of an "O". Mike folds up the ransom note and ties it to a brick. He then tosses the brick, which bounces off Tommy's house. Lou awakens as Mike and Bob drive away, then he stands up, stretches, and yawns.]''

Lou: Third time they've shown that salmon story this week

''[Lou walks up to the front door and opens it. He walks up to the Daily Blab newspaper on the grass, which the brick and the ransom note have landed atop. He grunts as he picks them up. He then walks back into Tommy's house and closes the front door with his foot.]''

Lou: Dag-blasted newspaper. Gets heavier every day. Too many conflabbed ads, if you ask me

''[Lou sets the newspaper, brick, and ransom note down on the coffee table in front of him. He then sighs as he sits back down in his chair and pulls the ransom note out from atop the brick. He unfolds it, but it is too blurry for him to read.]''

Lou: Need my reading glasses.

''[Lou takes off his glasses and puts on an identical pair. He then tries to drink from his coffee mug, but it is empty.]''

Lou: Drat! Can't tackle a newspaper this heavy without a little java

''[Lou sets the ransom note down on the table, then walks away, carrying his coffee mug. Inside Mike and Bob's car, Tommy is crying as he is sitting between Mike and Bob, and the camera zooms out on them. Mike is getting irritated, and Bob tries to cheer Tommy up by making faces.]''

Mike: That kid's makin' me nuts

[Tommy reaches in front of him, and the camera cuts to a zoomed-out view, revealing that he is reaching for his ball, which is on the floor of the car.]

Bob: Hey, I'm tryin' everything I know. He ain't bitin'

Mike: Well, try singin' him a lullaby

Bob: Jeez, I gotta do everything around here. Okay, here goes. Hush, little baby, don't say a word

[Tommy stops crying.]

Bob: Papa's gonna buy youse a mockingbird.

''[Tommy grunts as he reaches for his ball, then resumes crying. Mike drives the car onto the sidewalk.]''

Mike: Maybe he needs somethin' more visial

''[Bob holds up his index finger, then puts on a Dummi Bear mask. He points his index finger at Tommy, who stops crying.]''

Bob: Okay, kid, put all your diapers in this bag, and don't try anything funny

[Tommy resumes crying.]

Mike: You're scarin' him, genius. Take that thing off

Bob: Okay

[Bob grunts as he removes the mask and tosses it aside.]

Bob: I got another idea. Give me a banana

Mike: What for?

[Bob picks up a book that says, BABY A PEEL and has a picture of a baby on the front cover.]

Bob: According to this baby book i lifted during last week's news stand heist, kids love bananas

''[Bob opens the book, and on one page is a picture of a mom handing her baby a banana, over the words, BABY A PEEL. He then holds his hand out at Mike.]''

Bob: Now give me one

''[Mike reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a banana, which he hands to Bob. Bob unpeels the banana.]''

Bob: Open up the hangar, kid, so the plane can fly right it

''[Tommy stops crying and closes his mouth. He looks down at his ball on the floor and resumes crying. Mike scoffs. Bob, not wanting his banana to go to waste, eats it himself and tosses the peel aside. He notices Tommy's ball on the floor.]''

Bob: Hey, what about this ball here on the floor?

''[Bob picks up the ball. He squeezes it and it squeaks. He then gives it to Tommy, who stops crying and coos happily.]''

Bob: Hmmm, how bout' that? Ha ha. I did it. You know, uh, I bet I'd make a pretty good father

''[Mike stops the car outside his and Bob's apartment. The screen transitions to the next scene, where Mike and Bob, the latter of whom is carrying Tommy, walk up the stairs. On the walls are graffiti that say, WIF STEM and PEACE.]''

Bob: This kid weighs a ton in case you're interested

Mike: Oh, stop your bellyachin'. It's only two more floors

''[Mike and Bob's apartment is revealed to be filled with stolen money and merchandise, as well as garbage bags and BURGER BUDDY cups and wrappers. Mike opens the door and he and Bob walk in. Mike sighs happily.]''

Mike: Home sweet home

''[Bob sets Tommy down, but Tommy slips on the banana peel in front of him. He grunts as his ball flies out of his hands and bounces onto the table. He then cries again.]''

Mike: Oh, no. What now?

''[Bob reaches into his coat pocket, pulls out a banana, and unpeels it. He hands it to Tommy.]''

Bob: Here you go, tiger. Try one of these

[Tommy continues crying, and Bob, once again, not wanting his banana to go to waste, eats it himself.]

Bob: I don't get it.

[Bob tosses the banana aside.]

Bob: The book says it always works

[Bob pulls the book out of his coat pocket and looks through it.]

Mike: Books don't know nothin', and neither do you. The kid wants milk. Don't take no rocket scientist to figure that out. And as luck would have it, I think we got some

Bob: Yeah, but what we don't got is a baby bottle

Mike: Hey, I could rig up one out of the ketchup bottle. I'm real handy with stuff like that

[Mike and Bob walk into the kitchen.]

Bob: This I gotta see

''[Tommy stops crying and looks over at his ball on the table. He coos happily as he walks up to it, and tries to reach for it, but it is too high. He looks over at a briefcase and walks up to it. He kicks it, and drags it across the floor, until it is next to the table. As Tommy climbs onto the briefcase, he accidentally opens the latch. The briefcase opens, and inside it are revealed to be stolen cash and gems. Tommy coos happily as he tosses the stolen gems in the air. He then picks up some more and looks over at the toilet. He walks into the bathroom as Mike and Bob return.]''

Mike: Hey, hey, where'd he go?

Mike and Bob: Uh-oh

[The camera zooms in on the briefcase, revealing that most of the gems have been taken out of it.]

Mike: We been had! The little thief nabbed the rubies!

[Mike closes the briefcase.]

Bob: How can you accuse the little tiger of dat? He's just a baby

Mike: A baby impersonator, you mean

Bob: So what do you think? He had his partner waiting outside in the getaway stroller?

''[In the bathroom, Tommy coos happily as he drops one of the stolen gems into the toilet. He then tosses another in it.]''

Mike: Okay, you're so smart, wiseguy, you tell me where he went

''[Mike and Bob look over at Tommy, who tosses the rest of the stolen gems in the toilet. Bob points his index finger at Tommy.]''

Mike and Bob: Oh, no! The rubies!

[Mike and Bob run into the bathroom.]

Mike: Bad baby!

Bob: What are we gonna do now?

[Tommy coos happily as he walks away.]

Bob: Oh, no. Ha ha! I ain't puttin' my hands in there

[Tommy walks up to the briefcase.]

Mike: Well, I ain't doin' it. I did it last time

''[Tommy climbs onto the briefcase. He picks up his ball and bounces it. The ball squeaks as it bounces.]''

Bob: Look, I got a little cut here on my finger. I ain't goin' in there

[Tommy's ball bounces onto a shelf filled with stolen electronic appliances.]

Mike: That's fine, you can put a cut in that door

Bob: Oh, no you can't. Now you put your hand in there

[Tommy climbs down the briefcase and accidentally kicks it open again.]

Mike: Hey, my hands are my life

Bob: No good, my hands are more than my life. They're my death if I put em' in there. I ain't puttin em' in there

Mike: I'll hold your elbow

''[Tommy walks up to a Super Suck-O-Lux 2000 brand vacuum cleaner and accidentally turns it on. The vacuum roars into life and the hose tries to suck up his face. The hose then sucks up some pizza boxes, then it moves over to the coffee table and sucks up the stolen money, the Burger Buddy cups and wrappers, and an issue of BURGLAR LIFE magazine. The hose then moves over to the curtains and sucks them up, then it sucks up the clothes on the couch. The hose then moves back to the shelves and sucks up Tommy's ball, getting it stuck. Back in the bathroom, Bob is now wet from trying to get the stolen gems out of the toilet.]''

Bob: I'm telling you, we need a plumber

''[The vacuum hose sucks up all the stolen money from the briefcase. Mike and Bob stare in horror.]''

Mike: The cash!

(The camera moves over to Tommy, who is still standing atop the vacuum cleaner. Mike runs up to the vacuum and kicks it off, causing it to die down. Bob runs up to Tommy and picks him up.)

Bob: The poor tyke's traumatized

(Bob sets Tommy down.)

Mike: Forget the kid. How do we get the money?

Bob: I know. Turn it on in reverse

(Mike turns the vacuum cleaner on in reverse, and the hose spits out Tommy's ball, the stolen money, the Burger Buddy cups and wrappers, and a huge cloud of dust. Mike and Bob cough violently as the ball bounces out of the cloud of dust and Tommy crawls after it.)

Bob: I can't see nothin'. Who turned off the lights?

(Tommy's ball bounces onto an open window, which a bunch of stolen VCRs are stacked under.)

Bob: Oh, jeez! Hold onto me! Look out! Oh! Me and you!

(Bob switches the vacuum off.)

Bob: I can't...where's the kid?

(Mike and continue coughing violently, and as the cloud of dust clears, Mike and Bob are now covered in dust. As Mike continues coughing violently, Bob rubs the dust off his eyes.)

Bob: Uh-oh. Don't look now, but our million smackers is about to go out the window!

(Bob points his index finger at Tommy, who is climbing up the stolen VCRs to get his ball. Mike now points his index finger at Tommy.)

Bob: Quick! Grab him!

(Mike and Bob run up to Tommy, who is now holding his ball and is turned away from the open window. He climbs off the stolen VCRs just in time as Mike and Bob pounce at him, only to fall out the window and scream as they fall. They land on their car and smash it. Tommy bounces his ball as Mike and Bob, who have survived the fall, run back up the stairs and open the door. They look over at Tommy, who continues bouncing his ball. The camera zooms out on him as Mike and Bob look over him.)

Mike: This little monster is ruinin' our beautiful friendship. Look at him--sittin' there, plottin' his next move

Bob: You're right, Mikey. There must be an easier way to make a million smackers

Mike: Amen to that

(The screen transitions to a view outside Tommy's house, and the camera zooms in on it. Inside, Lou has fallen asleep again. The basement door opens and closes, and Lou awakens.)

Lou: I was just resting my eyes

(Stu walks up to Lou.)

Stu: Boy, wait till' you see my new Suzy-Doozy laser oven, Pop. How's Tommy?

Lou: Sleeping, I spect'. Hasn't made a peep all afternoon

Stu: Good, good

[Stu picks up the ransom note.]

Stu: What's this?

Lou:' Came with the newspaper. Must be the bill.

Stu: "Dear Ronald Thump..."

(The doorbell rings, and Stu and Lou turn their attention to it. Stu walks up to the front door and opens it. Mike and Bob, the latter of whom is holding Tommy, are on the other side.)

Mike: Please, take him back, please

Bob: We've learned our lesson, and we're very sorry, Mr. Thump

(Bob hands Tommy back to Stu. He and Mike walk away. Stu stares in confusion as Mike and Bob get back in their car and drive away.)

Stu: Who were those guys?

(Tommy coos happily. The wind blows the ransom note out of Stu's hand and the camera focuses on it as it flies through the air and into Mike and Bob's car. It lands over Mike's eyes, blinding him and causing him to drive out of control.)

Mike: Whoa!

(Bob grabs the steering wheel.)

Bob: Watch out!

(The street light turns red. The pedestrian in the crosswalk stares in shock, then runs onto the sidewalk just in time as Mike and Bob crash their car into a nearby fire hyrant and fly out of it.)

Mike and Bob: WHOAAAAAAA!

(Mike and Bob land in the back of a police car, which is parked next to a DINGHY DAVE'S DOUGHNUTS donut stand.)

Police Officer: I hate when this happens.

(The police officers turn to face Mike and Bob as the vendor pushes his donut stand away.)

Police Officer: Boy, are you guys in trouble. Running a red light, destroying public property

(The ransom note flies up to the police officer, who catches it.)

Police Officer: Oh, boy.

Harry: What's that?

Police Officer: Harry, you're not gonna believe this

(The police officer hands Harry the ransom note. Back at Tommy's house, Didi, who is carrying several grocery bags, walks up to Stu, Lou, and Tommy. Tommy walks up to her and hugs her.)

Didi: Hello, Tommy

(Didi sets down the grocery bags and picks up Tommy.)

Didi: And how's Mommy's little sweetheart? Did you have a nice time while I was gone? I brought something just for you, Tommy

(Didi turns to face Stu.)

Didi: He probably needs a little stimulation after such a quiet day

(Didi picks up a banana squeak toy and squeaks it.)

Didi: Here, Tommy

(Didi continues squeaking the banana squeak toy, but all this does is remind Tommy of his adventure with Mike and Bob, and it causes him to cry. Didi drops the banana squeak toy and he, Stu, and Lou all stare in shock, quite oblivious to what happened to Tommy that day. The camera zooms out as Tommy continues crying, revealing in the distance, Mike and Bob's car being towed by a tow truck Mike and Bob are taken away in a police car, which blares its siren. The screen fades to black, ending the episode.)