Incident in Aisle Seven/Transcript

[''The episode begins with a close-up of a sea bass opening and closing its mouth. The camera zooms out, revealing it to be part of a TV show on the Pickles' television.'']

Announcer: And there he is, Bob--

[''Lou and Tommy are revealed to be watching the television. Lou is sitting in the chair, with a box of fudgy ding-a-ling bars. Tommy is sitting in front of him, opening and closing his mouth like the Sea Bass.'']

Announcer: 25 pounds of prime striped sea bass. Never did catch him neither.

Lou: Hey Scout, you're blocking the view!

[Lou moves his head, but can't see past Tommy's.]

Lou: Okay. You win.

[''Lou presses a button on the remote, which changes the channel to a show about a circus. Children cheer on the TV.]''

Tommy: Hmm.

''[Lou turns to his box of fudgy ding-a-ling bars. He reaches in, then looks inside, finding it completely empty. Tommy gasps.'']

Lou: Humph! Gone already.

[''As Lou leaves, Tommy turns to face him. He turns back and gasps again. A commercial for Reptar cereal airs on the TV, and a box of the aforementioned cereal spins during the commercial. The box explodes, and a piece of the cereal appears and grows a mouth with teeth.'']

Commercial Singer: They're round, they're mean!

Tommy: Reptar.

[In the commercial, several pieces of Reptar cereal fall into a bowl of milk, turning it green.]

Commercial Singer: They turn milk green!

Tommy: Reptar.

[In the commercial, the mouth of a box of Reptar cereal opens and pours out pieces of cereal.]

Commercial Singer: Open up his mouth and pour them out, Reptar Cereal it makes you want to shout-

[''In the commercial, Reptar catches the cereal in his mouth. He licks his lips, then knocks over some buildings. Tommy imitates Reptar in the commercial by knocking over some wooden blocks.'']

Commercial Singer: -Reptar! We want Reptar! Reptar!

[''Tommy giggles as he walks. Stu then picks him up, grunting as he does so.'']

Stu: Okay, champ. Time to go to the supermarket.

[''Stu carries Tommy away as the commercial for Reptar Cereal is about to end. In the commercial, a box of Reptar cereal is shown alongside other breakfast foods.'']

Announcer: Reptar Cereal, the cereal with scales. Part of this complete breakfast.

Tommy: Reptar!

Stu: Yep, rip-roar. We're going shopping.

[As Stu carries Tommy into the kitchen, Didi is sitting at the table, writing down the shopping list.]

Stu: You know, Didi, I think Tommy's gonna start saying real words soon.

Tommy: Reptar.

Didi: Yes Tommy, riffraff.

[Didi rips off the shopping list and hands it to Stu.]

Didi: Stu, here's the list.

[''Tommy grunts as he tries to get out of Stu's arm. Stu grabs the list.'']

Stu: Uh-huh.

Didi: And here are the coupons.

Stu: Okay.

[Didi hands Stu the coupons, which Stu catches in his mouth.]

Didi: And here's your calculator.

[Didi hands Stu the calculator.]

Stu: Mmm-hmm.

Lou: And this time, don't forget the Fudgy Ding-a-Ling Bars. We're all out!

[''Lou looks and reaches in the fridge. Stu spits the coupons out upon hearing this.'']

Stu: What? Pop, that's the fifth box you've gone through this week!

[Lou closes the fridge door.]

Lou: Oh, go ahead. Deny me my Fudgy Ding-a-Ling Bars, the one real pleasure left to me in my twilight years.

Stu: Pop, if you want em' so bad, why don't you do the shopping once in a while?

Lou: Fine by me. Come on, Scout. Let's go get us some supplies.

[Lou takes Tommy from Stu.]

Didi: And don't forget the calculator, Pop.

[Didi hands Lou the calculator.]

Lou: Huh? I don't need one of them newfangled adding machines. I'm just getting some Ding-A-Ling Bars!

Didi: You're also getting a week's worth of groceries, and we're on a budget, remember?

[Didi takes the list from Stu and hands it to Lou.]

Lou: But I can't use one of those conflabbed things.

[As Lou tries to operate the calculator, Stu takes it from him.]

Stu: Come on, Pop, it's time to join the 20th century. I'll show you.

[As Stu talks, he operates the calculator.]

Stu: See, you activate the fractal cursor here, then perambulate your sum times this thing, which is the vector factor and correlate the decimal point minus the cost of your groceries. Got it?

Lou: Uh, what? Uh... uh...

[Stu puts the calculator in Lou's pocket.]

Stu: Don't worry, Pop, you'll figure it out.

[Didi hands Lou the list.]

Lou: Ha! In my day we did our counting on our fingers. And for really big numbers, why, we'd use our toes as well.

[''Tommy coos as he wiggles his toes. Lou opens the front door and walks out, carrying Tommy. Stu and Didi watch as he leaves.'']

Didi: I hope they come back with something besides forty boxes of Fudgy Ding-a-Ling Bars.

Stu: I hope they come back.

[''The screen transitions to a view of the top of Grocery World, which has a globe atop the sign, and a windmill near it. Lou drives his car up to the parking lot. In the next scene, the automatic doors open as Lou pushes a cart with Tommy in the seat. The automatic doors close as he pushes the cart past some potted plants. They then pass a sign that says, SALE PORK RINDS. Lou looks down at Tommy, who smiles, then he stops the cart.'']

Lou: Looky there, Tommy.

[An elderly lady can be seen pushing a cart with bagged groceries in it.]

Lou: Beautiful gal at 10:00.

[Lou points at the elderly lady, then whispers to Tommy.]

Lou: Now, scout, just let me do the talking.

[''Tommy coos, and Lou waves to the elderly lady as she walks up to him. They are standing right next to a sign for Reptar Cereal, which Tommy looks up at.'']

Lou: Top of the morning to you.

Tommy: Reptar.

Elderly lady: Oh, what an adorable child.

Lou: Why, thank you.

[Tommy gasps.]

Elderly lady: He has your eyes, I think.

Lou: Yep. Also my ears.

[Tommy leans to look at the sign.]

Tommy: Reptar.

Elderly lady: Oh, your son speaks such cute baby talk.

Lou: My grandson, actually.

[The elderly lady gasps.]

Elderly lady: You, a grandfather? I don't believe it!

Lou: Amazing, isn't it?

[The elderly lady walks away.]

Tommy: Reptar?

[The elderly lady pats Tommy on the head.]

Elderly lady: Oh! Well, bye-bye, handsome.

Lou: Bye.

[The elderly lady walks away.]

Lou: Oh, say bye-bye, Tommy.

[As Lou pushes the cart, Tommy reaches for the sign.]

Tommy: Reptar!

[Lou giggles.]

Lou: You and me are going to do all the shopping from now on, scout.

[''Lou giggles. Tommy frowns, and the camera zooms in on him. The screen transitions to a view of Lou looking at the shopping list as he walks down the aisles. He picks up a can that says, SUPER CODLIVER SOUP on the label and puts it in the cart. He walks down the aisles, then picks up a box that says, 100% NATURAL WHOLE MUCILAGE PASTA and puts it in the cart. The screen transitions to a view of a sign that says, BARK FIBER SAUSAGE. Lou picks up some linked sausage and and puts it on Tommy's head. Tommy grunts, then smiles. The screen transitions to a view of a box that says, CORRUGATED BRANPUFFS. The corner of the box says, BUY ONE GET ONE FREE.'']

Lou: "Corrugated Branpuffs..."

[Lou walks up to the box, holding the list.]

Lou: Sounds tasty, yecch!

[''Lou walks away as the camera moves down to Tommy, who looks around, then gasps. He sees a pyramid of Reptar cereal, under a cutout of Reptar and a sign that says, MANAGER'S SPECIAL.'']

Tommy: Reptar.

[Lou grabs the front of the cart and pulls it away.]

Tommy: Ooh!

-Oh...

[Tommy points to the pyramid.]

Tommy: Reptar!

[Tommy whimpers as Lou pulls the cart away.]

Lou: Now, come on.

[Lou turns around a corner.]

Lou: Well, that's everything on their list. And now for the coup de grace.

[''Lou comes to an entire aisle filled with fudgy ding-a-ling bars. There are signs near it that say, $1.25, SALE COUPON 20¢, and BUY MORE. Lou twiddles his fingers, then excitedly runs up to the aisle and grabs as many boxes of fudgy ding-a-ling bars as his arms can carry.'']

Lou: Conflab it!

[Lou puts the boxes of fudgy ding-a-ling bars in the cart, some of which cover Tommy's head.]

Lou: Perfect.

[''Tommy pokes his head out from the boxes and whimpers. Lou then reaches into his vest pocket and pulls out the calculator.'']

Lou: And now I'll just add it all up on this dag-nabbed adding contraption.

[Lou is revealed to be holding the calculator upside down.]

Lou: As soon as I can figure out how to fire it up.

[''Lou slams his fist on the calculator, turning it on, but also causing it to malfunction. He turns the calculator right side up.'']

Lou: Ah, there. At least it's turned on. All righty. $2.79 times 12 boxes equals...

[Lou presses buttons on the calculator, which due to it malfunctioning, shows the total cost at $53,418.37.]

Lou: $53,418.37?! No, no, no, that can't be!

[Lou lifts his glasses, then lowers them.]

Lou: Now, now let's try again.

[As Lou presses buttons on the calculator, a Lady with a shopping cart passes by him and Tommy.]

Lou: Twenty-five times fifteen, carry the three...

[Tommy looks up at the linked sausages on his head, then grabs them.]

Tommy: Rep...

Lou: Minus the plus...

[''Tommy waves the linked sausage like a lasso, then tosses them at the Lady's cart. They tie onto the cart, and Tommy grunts as he pulls on the sausages, turning the cart around. He grunts as he pulls on the sausages again, but the Lady takes no notice of this and picks up a can of hair spray that says, INSTANT BEAUTY. The lady then pushes her cart, and since Tommy is holding onto the linked sausage tied to it, his cart is pulled away. Tommy gasps, and as he is pulled across the aisles, he passes by a mother picking up a box that says, SQUEAKY CLEAN. Her infant daughter is seen in the cart next to her.'']

Girl: Hey, where's your grandpa?

Tommy: He'll be all right. Hey, you seen Reptar?

Girl: Yeah. He's over, um...um...

[''The lady continues pulling Tommy across the store without noticing it, then Tommy grunts as he pulls on the linked sausages. The lady has turned a corner, and Tommy lets go of the linked sausages, which spin his cart around. Tommy giggles as he rides the spinning cart, until he sees Larry pushing a cart with boxes of yogurt.'']

Tommy: Whaa!

[Larry flinches.]

Larry: Whoa!

[''Tommy's cart crashes into the boxes of yogurt, causing cartons of Yogurt to fall out of them, and Tommy to fly out of the cart. Tommy whimpers, then lands on a bag of Tighties diapers from "Baby Commercial". A carton of yogurt lands near him. Meanwhile, a caterer wearing an apron that says, CHEAZ STUFF is putting toothpicks on cheese samples until another carton of yogurt lands on her head. Another carton lands on the table of cheese samples, causing them to fly off. Larry gets up, then stares in shock at the cheese samples with toothpicks flying towards him.'']

Larry: Whoa!

[''Larry ducks, narrowly avoiding the cheese samples with toothpicks in them. The toothpicks land in the cartons of milk above him, puncturing holes in them, causing milk to pour on him.'']

Larry: Oh, man, what a totally bogus job. I told Steve we should have stayed at the Octoplex.

[Back atop the diaper bags, Tommy scoops up some of the yogurt and eats it.]

Tommy: Mmm...

[Tommy looks down at the shelf below, then lands on it with his bottom.]

Tommy: Oof!

[''Tommy crawls across the aisle, inadvertently knocking over boxes of WIPE OFF baby wipes and a box that says, SQUEAKY CLEAN. He then knocks over rolls of SUPER DRY deodorant and cans of NONSENSE baby powder. The things he inadvertently knocks over fall to the floor and make a mess. He then knocks over bags of TISS toilet tissue, MAXI pads, and more boxes of baby wipes. He then comes to a stack of SNUG FITS diapers and climbs down them like stairs. He lands on the floor by his bottom.'']

Tommy: Ugh!

[''The cart with the baby girl in it comes up to Tommy, and he gets on the section below. The cart stops.'']

Girl: Hi!

[Tommy looks up at the girl, who looks down at him.]

Girl: What you doing down there?

Tommy: Still looking for Reptar.

Girl: Oh. He's over there.

[''The Baby Girl points to the pyramid. Her mother walks up to the cart and puts a watermelon in it. She screams in fear when she sees Tommy, who smiles and coos at her. The lady then backs into an empty cart, which rolls towards a pyramid of watermelons with a sign that says, MELON CAMP near the top, knocking them over. In another aisle, some customers, including the lady with the shopping cart that Tommy tied the linked sausage onto, are seen turning their heads. Steve runs into the aisle, with the watermelons rolling behind him.'']

Steve: Whoa! Melon stampede!

[''The customers scream and run away. The watermelons roll past a display of YUMMO cereal, which has pieces shaped like the letter Y. A lady and her infant son can be seen near a display of NONSENSE baby powder. The lady gasps, and the watermelons roll into the display, spreading baby powder everywhere. Some watermelons roll past Grandpa Lou, who, being preoccupied with the calculator, is completely oblivious to the chaos going on in the store.'']

Lou: Now, that's twenty-four, and uh, carry the dot, right?

[''The watermelons roll into a display of PERPI cola, knocking it down, and spilling cola on the floor. The watermelons then roll towards a tank of lobsters under a sign that says, LIVE LOBSTER in a font that resembles the Red Lobster logo. The watermelons roll into the tank, breaking it, and causing the water with the lobsters in it to fall on the floor below. As the water washes the watermelons and the lobsters away, the manager makes an announcement on the intercom.'']

Store Manager: Cleanup in aisle one!

[An overhead view of the entire view is shown as the customers scream in fear.]

Store Manager: Uh, and aisle two, aisle four...

[''The baby girl giggles and applauds. As the manager continues announcing, the camera moves down to Tommy.'']

Store manager: Aisle five...wait...clean...aisle...aisle nine...aisle nine? Aisle...

[''Tommy crawls out of the cart and up to the corner near the Reptar Cereal pyramid. He gasps when he sees the pyramid.'']

Store manager: Cleanup on aisle three!

Tommy: Reptar.

Store manager: Cleanup!

[''The camera zooms in on the box of Reptar Cereal, and light shines off it. Tommy crawls up to the windmill and gasps. One of the windmill's sails gets stuck in the back of his diaper, carrying him up to the light fixture above the pyramid. Tommy grunts as he reaches the top of the light fixture.'']

Tommy: Ugh! Ooh. Reptar.

[''Tommy walks across the light fixture, until he reaches the top of the pyramid below. Meanwhile, as Larry goes through the Employees Only doors, he bumps into Tommy's cart filled with boxes of Fudgy Ding-a-Ling-Bars, causing it to roll away. It stops when it reaches Lou, who is still pressing buttons on the calculator. Back at the pyramid of Reptar cereal, Tommy grunts as he climbs down the cutout of Reptar. Tommy stands atop Reptar's hands, nearly losing his balance.'']

Tommy: Whoa!

[''Tommy climbs down the cutout, and giggles when he reaches the bottom. He grabs the box of Reptar Cereal at the top, and rides it, sliding down the pyramid with it like a sled. He giggles as he inadvertently knocks the boxes over. He then slides towards Lou, who has finished adding up the total cost.'']

Lou: And the grand total is...six dollars and fifteen cents. Ha! Can't beat that with a stick!

[''Tommy stops near Lou, who looks down at him. Tommy picks up the box of cereal.'']

Lou: Huh? How'd you get down there, scout?

[As Lou talks to Tommy, he picks him up and puts him in the seat of the cart.]

Lou: Well, never mind that. Let's get this stuff paid for so we can get home and eat it!

[Lou pushes the cart towards the counters, appalled at the mess in the store, completely oblivious to how it happened.]

Lou: Tsk! Tsk! Tsk! Just look at this place. In my day, they kept these markets clean.

[''As Lou reaches the counter, a live lobster is seen on top of the cash register. Lou takes things out of the cart and puts them on the conveyor belt. The cashier scans them.'']

Lou: We got your soup and your nuts, and your apples and your mallomars and your...hey, what's this?

[Lou picks up the box of Reptar Cereal and reads the slogan on the top.]

Lou: "They're round. They're mean. They turn milk green..."

[Tommy gasps in delight., and Lou chuckles.]

Lou: What will they think of next?

[''The cashier picks up the lobster, which rips off his bow tie. The cashier then drops the lobster.'']

Lou: "Well, I don't know how they got here but they sound a lot better than Corrugated Branpuffs.

[Lou hands the cashier the box of Reptar Cereal, which the cashier scans, and Tommy coos and smiles.]

Store Manager: Cleanup on aisle four! Larry, Steve, I need one of you!

[Larry and Steve are both holding mops, and Larry points at Steve.]

Larry: Your turn, dude!

Steve: No way!

Larry: Hey, man, I cleaned up the sodas!

Steve: Well, I just mopped up the baby powder!

[As Larry and Steve continue arguing, Lou pushes the cart with Tommy and the groceries past them.]

Larry: Yeah? Well, I had to pick up the lobsters!

Steve: That was at least an hour ago. It's your turn.

Larry: Forget you!

Steve: Forget you, too, man!

[''Tommy picks up the box of Reptar Cereal and coos. The screen transitions to an overhead view outside the store, which the camera zooms out on. As Lou and Tommy leave the store, the screen fades to black, ending the episode.'']