Clan of the Duck/Transcript

[''The episode starts with the scene showing the sun and birds chirping before it pans down into Phil and Lil's backyard as Chuckie puts down a bucket trying to make a mud castle only for the mud to slump back down into a puddle once he moved the bucket. It also shows Lil and Tommy playing in the mud with him.'']

Chuckie: "This mud isn't working right."

[''Lil scoops up some mud on her finger before sticking it in her mouth and swallowing it. As Tommy looks over to Phil'']

Lil: "Needs more water,"

Tommy: "Hurry up Phil."

[''The scene then cuts over to Phil who is biting on the water hose trying to put holes in it. Which he finally does as Chuckie comes over and scoops some up on a shovel.'']

Phil: "I'm doing my best, I only gots three teeth. Got it!"

Chuckie: "I wish it wasn't so hot."

Lil: "Yeah, didn't it use to be snowing?"

Phil: "Then everything was clean for a while."

Lil: "Maybe the sky is broken."

Tommy: "I like it when it's hot. It makes Spike's tongue hang out."

[Tommy sticks his tongue out.]

Chuckie: "Well, it just makes my legs all sweaty. I wish my shorts were shorter like Phil's."

Phil: "Uh, they still rub. I've got diaper rash down to my knees."

[ Phil pulls on the pants leg of his shorts.]

Tommy: "Well, I think a diaper is all any baby ever needs."

Chuckie: "I don't know Tommy. Ever since I started going on the potty, a diaper just doesn't feel right."

Lil: "Dressies are the "bestest" of all. They don't rub, they're nice and cool, and you still got something over your diaper for when friends come over. 'Course you boys can't wear dressies."

Tommy: "We can't?"

Lil: "No, boys wear pants and girls wear dressies."

Tommy: "Well, why do we "got" to wear different stuff?"

Lil: " 'Cause girls are good and boys are bad, naughty babies."

Tommy: "Oh, that's why."

[Betty, Didi, and Howard then come out into the backyard as Didi and Betty are talking.]

Didi: "So is Lil enjoying your mommy and daughter female empowerment class?"

Betty: "Aw, it's a blast Deed. Yup, today we're doing tumbling, jumping, and a "Let's Take A Control of the Senate" sing-along."

[Didi then picks up Tommy.] 

Didi: "Hello sweetie. Ready to run some errands with Mommy?"

[Tommy babbles happily]

Didi: "Why don't we meet up over at the park at the International Food Fair, say 2:00?"

Betty: "Aw, two is peachy. I can't wait to sink my pearly whites into some of those Zambian monkey sweetbreads. Ow wheeh mama! So listen, do you think you can take these two jokers to the park on your lonesome there, Howard?"

[Betty picks up Lil ]

Howard: "Well, I suppose I-"

Betty: "Great! Have fun with Howie guys!"

[''Didi and Betty then leave, taking Tommy and Lil with them. Howard then looks down at Phil and Chuckie before going inside.'']

Howard: "Uh... oh whee."

Phil: "You know, my mom wears pants and she's a girl."

Chuckie: "I guess that's true."

Phil: "Well, if girls can wear anything they want, then so can we. Come on Chuckie, we're gonna try on a dressie!"

Chuckie: "Why does being a boy have to be so hard?"

[The scene changes to inside the house, where Howard is watching T.V in the living room.]

TV: "And now we return to 'Tinkering with Toothpicks' on The Hobby Channel. (like HSN and QVC) When using toothpicks in your arts and crafts projects, it is important to give consideration to what types of toothpicks you are using. For instance, ...."

[ ''Howard then yawns and falls asleep as Phil and Chuckie sneek past him. The scene then changes to Phil and Lil's room as Chuckie is scene wearing a jumper.'']

Chuckie: "Guess I might as well see how I look. Wow. Dressies are a lot cooler."

''[Chuckie steps oveer a vent as air from the vent causes the dress to lift. While Phil tries to put on a dress, and it gets temporarily caught on his face.]''

Phil: "Yeah, and they're fun too! Look. If you turn around fast enough, your dressie goes up. Try it!"

[Phil twirls around as Chuckie tries to spin but it doesn't work.]

Phil: "Faster, faster, faster!"

[Chuckie tries again, but he falls down dizzy)

Phil: "That's fast enough."

[Chuckie and Phil are then seen on top of one of the twins' beds.]

Chuckie: "Are you sure we'll be able to fly?"

Phil: "Sure, it's like a parachute! You first."

[ Phil pushes Chuckie off the bed only for Chuckie to fly for a second before falling to the floor.]

Chuckie: "Ow!"

Phil: "My turn! Thanks for catching me."

['' Phil jumps and lands on Chuckie. The scene the cuts to Phil and Chuckie rolling around using the dresses as a sack.'']

Chuckie: "Here I come. Dressies are fun, huh?"

[ Phil and Chuckie then bump into each other before it cuts to Howard still sleeping.]

TV: "The history of the toothpick-"

[ The scene then cuts back to Chuckie and Phil.]

Chuckie: "And with my shorts off, I can go potty right away if I need to. Hmm.."

[ ''Chuckie then goes to the bathroom and uses the potty. Phil then lays down and takes a nap as Chuckie comes out of the bathroom a few moments later.'']

Chuckie: "Well, I guess they make good "jammies" too."

[Chuckie joins Phil for a nap as the scene cuts back to Howard again.]

TV: "And next week, on 'Different Size Nails'... "

[ The hammering on tv wakes Howard up as Howard looks at his watch.]

Howard:  "Oh goodness gracious!"

''[ Howard runs around the house grabbing some items, drives off with the car, realizes he forgot Chuckie and Phil, then comes back to house; as he runs to the bedroom grabbing the kids as they sleep, and gets back in the car before driving off. The scene changes to the fair; Chuckie and Phil wake up in strollers to find a boy named Joey staring at them.]''

Joey: "Hi."

Chuckie: "Um, hi. Where are we?"

Joey: "At the park. Your folks are probably taking you to the big food fair."

Chuckie: "Oh, that's good. I'm kind of hungry."

Joey: "I've got some dummy worms in my; lunch box if you want some."

Phil: "Yeah."

Chuckie: "All right. What about your dad?"

Phil: "Aw, he'll be okay."

[Phil and Chuckie follow Joey to a nearby tree where the lunch box is as another boy named Frankie emerges from behind a tree.]

Frankie: "Hey, Joey. Where are you going?"

Joey: "To get some candy for my friends."

Frankie: [to Chuckie] "Hey, you want to come sit with me instead? I got chocolate."

Joey: "Frankie, I saw her first."

[Joey pushes Frankie out of the way.]

Chuckie: "Her? Hey, hey you guys we're not-"

Phil: "How much chocolate?"

[Frankie pushes Joey.]

Frankie: "Stay out of this. I really like your dress."

[to Chuckie]

Joey: "Frankie, she's my friend!"

Chuckie: "Well, Phil shouldn't we tell 'em?"

Frankie: "Phil? Your name is Phil?"

Phil: "Yeah, it's short for... Phillian. And this is... um, Chuckina. Chuckina's a girl too. Isn't that right Chuckina?"

Chuckie: "Well, um [ Chuckie looks at the candy in Joey's hand.]... can I have a worm?"

Joey: "Sure."

[Joey hands Chuckie then worm as Chuckie takes it and eats it.]

Chuckie: "Okay. Oh, these are good!"

Joey: [to Frankie] "See, dummy worms are better than chocolate! So why don't you go swing or something."

Frankie: "Oh come on Joey. There's two of them You can have the other one."

[Joey and Frankie start tugging on Chuckie's arm.]

Joey: "I don't want to share. Let go of her!"

Frankie: "Make me!"

Joey: "I will!"

[Phil watches and eats a candy bar.]

Chuckie: "Help me, Phillian.! Woooahhh!"

[''Chuckie falls down as Frankie and Joey gasp, seeing Chuckie's blue underwear. Frankie then laughs'']

Chuckie: "What? Uh oh."

Joey: "Blue underwear?"

Frankie: "Hey Joey. You've been giving candy to a boy?"

Joey: "Well, you thought he was a girl too."

Frankie: "Oh yeah. Let's get 'em."

Joey: "Yeah, boys aren't supposed to be wearing dresses."

Phil: "Run Chuckie! This way!"

[Phil throws a bag of Gummy Worms onto the ground causing Frankie and Joey to slip as Chuckie and Phil run through a line of people trying to enter the food fair.]

Joey: "Come on, I know where there is a hole in the fence."

Chuckie: "Oh no."

Phil: "Quick! Up that mountain!"

[Phil points to picture of Mount Fuji; they try to climb it and fall through the picture to the other side into a Sumo Wrestling ring during a match.]

Chuckie: "Now that makes me mad!"

Phil: "What?"

Chuckie: "If "a mommies" can wear pants and grownups can wear diapers, how come we can't wear dressies?"

Phil: "Uh, 'cause they'll beat us up?"

[Phil points to Joey and Frankie.]

Joey: "There they are!"

Chuckie: "Oh yeah."

[Chuckie and Phil start running again as they run by a steak pie booth.]

Phil: "Quick, Chuckie! Grab some!"

[Chuckie and Phil grab the pies and try to throw them but can't throw far enough.]

Phil: "Split up!"

[Phil and Chuckie start running again as the scene cuts to Israel's booth.]

Announcer: "Okay, everybody. Time to get up and dance the Horah!"

[People start dancing; Chuckie approaches them before he gets caught temporarily in the dance line; runs out and bumps into Phil.]

Chuckie: "Phil, where are you?"

Phil: "Chuckie, what happened?"

Chuckie: "The Horah! The Horah!"

[Joey and Frankie appear once again.]

Joey & Frankie: "There they are! Get 'em!"

[Chuckie and Phil start running, go down pasta slide into a sandbox, and  end up by men in Scottish garb.]

Phil: "Where are we?"

Chuckie: "I don't know. But I think everybody's nakey."

Boy #1: [With clan of Scottish boys] "We're not nakey. We're Scotch babies. Those are some funny kilts you're wearing my friend. And what clan are ya?"

Chuckie: "Um, I don't know, but uh, can you hide us?"

Boy #2: "Well, will ya look at 'em Mark? They're the Clan Of The Duck."

Boy #1: "Let's give a cheer for the Clan Of The Duck!"

[The clan of babies cheer as Frankie and Joey appear again.]

Joey: "There they are!"

Chuckie: "Oh no! They're gonna be mean to us."

Boy #1: "Not in this part of the highlands. What do we say my lads?"

''[The Scott babies lift up their kilts to expose their diapers at Joey and Frankie. ]''

Scott Babies: "Freedom!"

Frankie: "What are they doing?"

''[Chuckie and Phil join in as they lift up their dresses as well. ] ''

Joey: "Those babies are crazy! Let's get out of here."

Frankie: "I'm with you."

[Frankie and Joey run away, as the others laugh; Betty, Howard, and Didi then show up as Didi and Betty are holding Tommy and Lil.]

Betty: "Aw, here they are. Little nippers at 11:00."

Didi: "Oh, thank goodness we found them. Are they all right?"

[Didi puts Tommy down as Tommy unzips, and gets into, the diaper bag giggling.] 

Betty: "Looks like we've got a little costume party goin' here."

Howard: "I, I thought something was odd."

[Tommy is then seen wearing a shirt as a skirt as he walks over to the other kids.]

Didi: "Tommy!"

Betty: "Well now, looks like you want to play too!"

Didi: "Oh, well..."

''[Didi looks at Tommy with the other babies before walking off. The scene then cuts to a bit later.]''

Tommy: "Thanks for helping Chuckie and Phil."

Phil: "Thanks for the haggis."

Lil: "What's that made out of anyway?"

Boy #1: "Sheep guts."

[Phil and Lil lick their lips.]

Chuckie: "Well, bye bye."

''[Chuckie waves to the Scott babies before Tommy, Chuckie, Phil, and Lil leave. ]''

Boy #1: "What do you say lads? One more cheer for the Clan Of The Duck."

Boy #2: "Aye, the Clan Of The Duck!"

Boy #3: "Up the kilt!"

Scott Babies: "Hooray!"

[The Scott babies lift  their kilts up in a wave like line several times as they cheer before the screen finally fades to black thus ending the episode]