Together at Last/Transcript

[''The episode begins looking up towards a light fixture on the ceiling. An angry looking dinosaur appears in the picture and moves forward, its open mouth covering up the camera.]''

Betty: Say hello to your new friend, kids! [She shows the Reptar doll to Phil and Lil, who are in their playpen.]  

Phil + Lil: Oooh!

Didi:  I just knew they’d love it, Betty. I got a purple one for Tommy.

[Betty puts the Reptar doll into the playpen.]

Betty: You know, Deed, these kids can never get enough toys. Come on, I’ll get you that ginger root extract you wanted!

Didi: Say, Betty, did you read Lipschitz’s column in today’s paper? It’s about twins. ''[Phil and Lil both reach excitedly for Reptar. They then stop and glare at each other.]''

Betty: Listen, Didi, after what I’ve been through with my two, I could write an encyclopedia on twins!

[Lil grabs Reptar.]

Lil: I’ll take Reptar first, and you can have him second.

[Phil pulls Reptar away from Lil.]

Phil: No, I’ll take Reptar first, and you can have him second.

Lil: Mommy gave Reptar to me, Phillip!

[She grabs Reptar back from Phil.]

Phil: I believe she gave him to me, Lillian!

[He grabs Reptar from Lil.]

Lil: Nuh-uh, me! [She pulls on Reptar.]

Phil: Nuh-uh, me! [He pulls on Reptar. They struggle, tugging Reptar back and forth.]

[In the kitchen, Didi is sitting at the table as Betty pours two cups of coffee and brings them to the table.]

Didi: Oh, but Betty, Lipschitz insists that you have to give twins some time apart!

Betty: Ah, horse puckey, Deed! Phil and Lil were made to be together! They’re like Triscuits and bean dip''! [She hands Didi her coffee and sits down.]''

Didi: But according to Lipschitz, if you don’t give twins enough time apart, the sibling rivalry becomes too intense.

Betty: Too intense? Hah! That’s a good one, Deed! Phil and Lil can’t stand to be away from each other!

Phil + Lil: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!''  [Betty spits out her coffee and gasps. She and Didi run out of the kitchen. Phil and Lil are rotating, each pulling on Reptar and continuously yelling. Lil lets go of Reptar, and she and Phil both fall backwards.]''

Betty: Heh. I suppose a little time apart every now and then wouldn’t hurt ‘em. ''[The camera pans over to the window. Steve and Larry are seen outside, taking painting equipment out of a van.]''

Steve: So, dude, do you really think this painting thing is a good idea?

Larry: I’m telling you, chicks dig guys who paint! Haven’t you ever heard of Picasso? ''[Betty and Didi come out the front door, Betty carrying Phil, who has the Reptar doll, and Didi carrying Lil. Lil is reaching toward Reptar.]''

Betty: Thanks for taking her, Deed. I hope she’ll be alright without her brother.

Didi: Now, don’t you worry about a thing. She’ll have a wonderful time with Tommy and Chuckie.

Betty: (sighs) I hope you’re right. Time to say “bye-bye”, kiddo. ''[Phil blows a raspberry at Lil. Didi carries Lil away, and Lil blows a raspberry back at Phil.]''

''[At the Pickles’, Lou is asleep and snoring in his armchair. In the playpen, Chuckie is bouncing a ball and Tommy is playing with his Purple Reptar doll.]''

Didi: Tommy! Chuckie! Someone’s here to see you! [She puts Lil into the playpen.] Now, have fun, sweeties! And be good for Grandpa. ''[She gestures to Lou, who’s still snoring. She walks into the kitchen. Lil is still glaring.] ''

Tommy: Lil?

Lil: What?

Tommy: What happened to Phil?

Lil: He’s not here!

Tommy: Well, uh, wanna play with my new Reptar toy?

Lil: And I’m glad he’s not here! He’s just a big old booger-brain!  And I don’t care if I never see him again!

Chuckie:  So, you don’t miss him?

Lil: Not me.

Tommy: Not even a little?

Lil: Nope.

Chuckie: Not even a teeny bit?

Lil: Nah.

Tommy: You don’t miss your own brother, who you spend all your time with, and who you always play with, and who you always go everywhere with, and who you never, ever been away from in your whole life?

Lil: That’s right. ''[She folds her arms and closes her eyes. She opens her eyes, looks down, and starts to cry.''   (crying)

Tommy: Aw, don’t cry, Lil. [He walks up to Lil and puts a hand on her shoulder.]

Chuckie: There’s gotta be something we can do to help!

Tommy: What can we do?

Chuckie: What do you mean, “What can we do”?! [He grabs onto and shakes Tommy by the shoulders.]   We’re Lil’s friends! She’s countin’ on us!

Tommy: Chuckie, you’re right!

Chuckie: I am?

Tommy: Yep. We’re gonna go find Phil!

Chuckie: We are?

Lil: He’s at my house. We could go and get him!

Chuckie: We could?

Tommy: Let’s do it! Let’s crawl further than any baby has ever crawled before! Let’s go all the way to Lil’s house!

Chuckie: Aw, me and my big mouth! ''[Tommy unlatches the hook on the playpen. He, Lil and Chuckie walk out.] ''

''[At the Devilles’, Phil is in the playpen with a ball and a teddy bear. He bounces the ball and addresses the teddy bear.]''

Phil: Boy, I’m sure glad we got rid of Lil! She was no fun, anyway! Hey, Bill, wanna play a game? I’ll roll you the ball, and you roll it back, ‘kay? ''[He rolls the ball towards the bear. It bounces off the bear and rolls back to Phil.]''  Lil never liked that game much, either. So what do you wanna do''? [The bear silently “stares” back at Phil.]''  Aw, you’re no fun, Bill. [Bill stares back again.] No, you’re the un-fun one, Bill. Can’t even argue! [He gets up on his feet.] Know what, Bill? I think I’m gonna go see what Lil’s doing. [The camera cuts back to Bill again.] Okay, okay, you don’t have to beg, you can come. [He picks up Bill.]

Didi: (humming) ''[Chicken in a sauce is sizzling in a pan on the stove. Didi adds some seasoning to the chicken. Tommy peers into the kitchen from around a wall. Lil and Chuckie also look in. They move back from the kitchen entrance and stand against the wall.]''

Lil: How are we gonna get past your mom?

Chuckie: Yeah, Tommy, she sees everything!

Tommy: (gasps) I got a idea!

[Didi reads from a recipe, tracing the words with a spoon.]

Didi: Let’s see, now… 1 tablespoon of ginger root extract. Well, let’s make it 2, just for a little extra flavor''. [She adds 2 spoonfuls to the chicken. While her back is turned, Tommy, Chuckie, Lil and Spike walk past the kitchen entrance. They come to the backdoor, which Spike nudges open. They go outside onto the back deck.]''

Lil: We made it!

Tommy: Now we have to go next door!

Chuckie: But, Tommy!

Tommy: What is it this time?

Chuckie: There are two next doors! [He points, and the camera moves between the houses on either side of the yard.]

Tommy: I think it’s that one! [He points at one of the houses.]

Chuckie: I think it’s that one! [He points at another house.]

Tommy: Are you sure?

Chuckie: Are you sure?

Lil: It’s that one! [She points in another direction.]

Tommy: How do you know?

Lil: ‘Cause it looks like a “choo-choo” when you turn it upside down! [''She bends her head down and looks back between her legs. Tommy and Chuckie copy her.]''

Tommy: She’s right!

Chuckie: Uh, I’m sorry, I just…I just don’t see it!

Tommy: Let’s go!

[Phil crawls outside through a pet flap, with Bill on his shoulder.]

Phil: Hey, Bill, do you think Lil’s having lots of fun playing with Tommy and Chuckie? What do you mean? ‘Course they miss me! Why wouldn’t they miss me? [He crawls past Larry and Steve.]

Larry: Dude, this house would look totally killer with a racing stripe!

Steve: How about black and silver? Raiders colors!

Larry:  Whoa! Dude, that’s righteous! [''They knock their heads together. As Phil is crawling, he knocks over a paint can. It rolls away, bounces off a rock, and hits an apple tree. The tree shakes, and an apple falls off. It lands on a beam with cans of paint, causing them to shake. A can of blue paint tips over, spilling its contents on Steve.]''

Steve: Smooth move, Larry!

Larry: (laughing) Whoa, dude, you look like a Smurf!

[Tommy, Chuckie, Lil and Spike are standing in front of a fence.]

Lil: Oh, great! What are we gonna do now? This fence is a million, billion, zillion miles tall!

Chuckie: Well, can’t say we didn’t try! Let’s go back and get some nice cold…  [''He leans against the fence, and pushes open a loose plank. He falls down.]'' Whoa!

Tommy: Chuckie, you did it! We can go under the fence!

Lil: What about Spike?

Tommy: Sorry, Spike. You’re too big. Guess you gotta stay behind. [Spike licks Tommy.]  Come on!

''[On the other side of the fence, Phil is standing and looking up. He walks up to a tree right in front of the fence and tries to climb it. Bill falls off his shoulder onto the ground. Phil runs to the bear.] ''

Phil: Okay, Bill, here’s the plan: you stand guard here, and I’ll go find Lil! ''[He climbs the tree to the top of the fence, and ends up on top of the loose plank. Tommy pushes the plank to go through the fence, causing the top part with Phil to get pushed down towards Tommy’s yard. The plank swings back up to its original position. Lil then goes through the plank. Her bow gets caught in the bottom of the plank. The plank completely flips upward, causing Phil to fall to the ground in Tommy’s yard. The bow falls behind him. Lil reaches for her head.]''

Lil: My ribbon!

Tommy: Never mind, Lil. We gotta find Phil. Come on!

[Phil sees Lil’s bow.]

Phil: Lil’s ribbon! [Standing behind the bow is Spike, who licks his lips.]  Spike, you didn’t! [He opens Spike’s mouth and looks inside.] Lil! Lil! I’m sorry! [He closes Spike’s mouth.]  Oh, well, guess you better eat me, too! [He puts Lil’s bow on his head and closes his eyes.] Come on, Spike, make it quick''! [Spike licks Phil’s face.]''  Ow, ow, bleah! Hey, Spike? You think you could throw Lil up? I kinda miss her. ''[Spike turns and walks away. Phil runs after him.]''  Hey, where ya goin’? Wait up!

''[On the Devilles’ side of the fence, Lil and Tommy walk to where Bill is sitting in the grass. Lil grabs the bear and shakes it.]''

Lil: Bill, what have you done with Phil?!

Tommy: He’s gotta be around here somewhere! [Lil throws Bill aside and she and Tommy walk away.]

Chuckie: Wait for me! ''[He trips over his shoelaces and knocks into a cart with balls on it. The balls roll off.]''

Steve: Good thing we use such cheapo paint! It comes right off! [The balls hit the scaffolding supporting the beam with the cans of paint, causing the cans to shake and one to tip over, spilling green paint onto Steve.] Très lame!

[Spike walks into the house, with Phil running after him.]

Phil: Come on, Spike! Can’t you just throw up a little bit? ''[Spike stops and looks at Phil, then walks away. Phil picks up the purple Reptar doll, which is lying in the playpen.]''  Poor Lil! [He starts to cry.]  Lil, if I’d have known this would happen, you could have had Reptar! [He falls to his knees, hugging the Reptar doll.] (crying)

[Lil, Tommy and Chuckie run up to a window and look inside, seeing Phil and Lil’s playpen, with just the green Reptar doll and some other toys in it.]

Lil: No Phillip!

Tommy: [looks inside a garbage can] Phil!

Chuckie: [lifts up a picture hanging on the wall and looks behind it] Phil!

Lil: [lifts up a couch cushion, revealing a coin underneath] Phil! Hey, a nickel! [She picks up the nickel.]

Tommy: We looked everywhere!

Chuckie: You mean we came all this way, and now there’s no Phil? I knew this was a bad idea!

Lil: No more Phil? Who’s gonna play with me?

Tommy: We can play with you, Lil.

Lil: But, but, who’s gonna talk about stuff before we go to sleep?

Tommy: Well…

Lil: And who’s gonna confuse Mommy when things get broken so no one gets blamed?

Tommy: Well…

Lil: And who’s gonna argue with me about what Daddy’s hair is made out of? (crying)

Betty: Oh, baby, now don’t cry, Mommy’s coming! ''[Tommy grabs Chuckie and pulls him away. They hide under the couch as Betty comes into the room. She picks up Lil, who stops crying.]''   Aw, poor little boy! I know what’s wrong! You miss your sister, don’t you? Well, don’t worry, Philly-Willy, she’s right next door!

Chuckie: Why’s she calling Lil “Phil”?

Tommy: Oh, no, Chuckie! She thinks Lil is Phil!

Betty: I knew from square one this separation experiment was a lousy idea! Okay, Philly, let’s go see your sister, huh? [She walks away with Lil.]

Tommy: Come on Chuckie, we better get back home, quick! (panting) ''[They crawl out from under the couch and run. Tommy crawls through the pet flap and runs outside. Chuckie follows after him, and steps onto a ball.]''

Chuckie: Oh! ''[The ball hits a wagon with cans of paint in it and the wagon starts to roll. Steve is wiping the green paint off of himself.]''

Larry: You look like “Swamp Thing”! (laughing)  [The wagon bumps into a ladder which causes the beam with cans of paint above Larry and Steve to shake and a can with yellow paint spills onto Larry.]

Steve: (laughing)

''[In an overview, we see Tommy and Chuckie running in the backyard as Betty and Lil walk from the house down the front path. Betty and Lil walk down the street past the front fence as Tommy and Chuckie get to the fence separating their yards. Tommy and Chuckie go through the loose plank into the Pickles’ yard. Betty continues walking down the street. In an overview, Betty and Lil walk up the path to the Pickles’ front door as Tommy and Chuckie run to the back deck. Tommy and Chuckie walk into the room where Phil is standing with the purple Reptar doll.]''

Tommy + Chuckie: (panting)

Chuckie: Phil, what are you doing here?

Phil: Tommy? Chuckie? [He grabs Chuckie by the shirt and shakes him, lifting Chuckie off the ground.] What did you do with my Lillian?!

(doorbell buzzes)

Didi: Coming!

Tommy: Quick! ''[Phil lets go of Chuckie’s shirt, causing Chuckie to fall forward. Tommy and Phil run into the playpen. Chuckie runs in after them, and Tommy and Phil close the playpen. Didi opens the front door.]''

Betty: Deed, Lipschitz can take a hike! These two belong together! [She comes inside the house and Didi closes the door.] I’m telling you, Deed, poor Philly here was screaming like a banshee!

Didi: (tsking) ''[Betty puts Lil into the playpen. Phil and Lil walk up to and hug each other.]''

Phil + Lil: (excited shouting and laughing)

Didi: Funny, I didn’t have an ounce of trouble with Lil! She’s been playing with Tommy and Chuckie the whole time, and they’ve barely made a peep!

Betty: Well, Deed, if you had one of each, you’d realize how different boys and girls really are.

Didi: [shakes her head] Hmm.

Betty: Say, how about we ponder it over a cup of hot java? [She slaps Didi on the back.]

Didi: You have to try my ginger chicken. [She and Betty walk into the kitchen.]   But I’m a little afraid there’s too much ginger and not enough chicken…

Phil: I thought you were dog food!

Lil: I thought you were disappeared!

Phil: This is yours; I found it outside. [He takes the bow off his head and puts it on Lil’s.]

Lil: I hope we never lose each other again!

Phil: Me too! So, next time, don’t start a fight!

Lil: Me start a fight? But, Phillip, you started the fight!

Phil: No, you started it, Lillian!

Lil: No, you started it, Phillip!

Phil: You did!

Lil: You did!

Phil: You did!

Lil: You did! [Tommy and Chuckie look at each other and shrug.]

Phil: You did!

Lil: You did! [The camera moves up, and we see an overview of the playpen.]

Phil: You!

Lil: You!

Phil: You!

Lil: You! [outside the house, the camera moves up and we see an overview of the Pickles’ and Devilles’ houses.]

Phil: You!

Lil: Yooooooou!