Separate But Equal/Transcript

(The episode begins with Phil and Lil imagining themselves in a Yu-Gotta-Go arcade game)

Phil: Nothing will keep me from that tomb of dask! Take that you freaky bird!

(throws a Yu-Gotta-Go card at the griffin)

Phil: The Anatomic Mime card!

(the mime traps the griffin in a clear box and disappears)

Nar-do: (evil laughter)

(Phil gasps)

Nar-do: You fool! You walked right into my trap!

(Nar-do pulls out a Saul Cano Yu-Gotta-Go card)

Phil: The Saul Cano?!

Nar-do: Yes! Be very afraid! For no single card can take out the beast which is half stand-up comic and half volcano.

Phil: Princess Nioko can!

(shows Nar-do the Princess Nioko Yu-Gotta-Go card)

Nar-do: Princess Nioko is powerless without the third eye card!

Lil: We know!

(Lil pulls out the third eye card which causes Nar-do to groan in defeat)

(Saul Cano comes out his card)

Saul Cano: Boy am I hot!

Phil and Lil: How hot are ya?

Saul Cano: I am so hot I need a pot holder to pick my nose!

Phil and Lil: (disgusted) Ew!

(Saul Cano erupts his top with lava coming out and aims at Lil)

(Lil moves to the other side while Phil activates the Princess Nioko card)

(Lil activates the third eye card and Princess Nioko blasts Saul Cano making him disappear)

(Nar-do vanishes in defeat; imagination ends)

Arcade machine: You have successfully completed level 5.

Phil and Lil: (cheers)

Betty: Wrap it up pups! We still have to hit the (something) stand to finalize the plans for your party.

Lil: Oh we already know what we want. Red Mirror Dragon napkins, Princess Nioko invites...

Phil: And unlimited passes for all rides! Including...

Phil and Lil: (cheerfully) Saul Cano's Head Explosion!

(Lil giggles excitedly)

Lil: This is going to be our best birthday party ever!

Princess Nioko hologram: I know Yu-Gotta-Go but please come back soon.

(Phil gets distracted and runs into a wall)

(Howard walks over to Phil to help him up)

Phil: (to Howard about the Princess Nioko hologram) You know I seen her a million times before but I never noticed until now... That hologram is hot.

Betty: Oh you kids are growing up so fast. Speaking of growing up (turns to Lil) Lil, you and I got some serious business to take care of.

(scene cuts to the bra department of the mall)

Betty: Look at the selection! It's like a (something) board of bras!

Kira: Keep it down Betty. I think the girls want to keep this experience discreet.

Betty: Hey! I like that gurgle over there! Discreet's my middle name.

(scene cuts to behind a wall)

Kimi: (voice only) Come on. Lets get this over with.

(Kimi and Lil come out from behind the wall)

Betty: Ooh, look Lil! Matching panties!

(Betty stretches underwear while Lil and Kimi run away in horror)

Betty: (confused) Lil? Kimi? Where'd they go?

(Betty picks up microphone on the front desk)

Betty: (over intercom) Lil DeVille please meet your mother at junior bras!

(scene cuts to the outside of the mall)

(from behind mannequins at the bra department)

Kimi: (to Lil) How long do you think we can hold these positions?

Lil: (to Kimi) How about forever?

(mannequins bind backwards)

Betty: (to Lil and Kimi) Jeez, do you have to make such a scene?

(from inside the dressing room)

Lil: (voice only) Man, this thing is like a double barrel sling-shot!

(bra strap noises)

Kimi: (voice only) Ow!

Lil: (voice only) (to Kimi) Are you wearing one to school tomorrow?

Kimi: (voice only) (to Lil) I was going to wait until your party. Which by the way is going to be awesome!

(Lil and Kimi exist dressing room)

Kimi: (to Lil) Historically speaking DeVille parties ranges supreme!

Betty: (to Lil) Today is a joyous ride of passage. You stepped into that dressing room as a girl but you came out a woman.

(Betty swipes her nose with a bra while Lil and Kimi examine each other's chest areas)

(scene cuts to Phil, Tommy and Chuckie at the park where Phil is hitting baseballs in the baseball cage)

Tommy: (to Phil) So we can go on any ride we want as many times as we want?

(Phil hits a baseball)

Phil: (to Tommy) That's the deal.

Chuckie: Ever since my addiction, you might say I'm touching fate by going anywhere near Yu-Gotta-Go anything but this party's going to be epic!

(Phil takes another swig at a baseball)

Phil: You guys ever noticed that Princess Nioko is kind of a hottie?

(Phil swigs again at another baseball)

Tommy: (to Phil) Uh, with or without her third eye?

(Phil swigs at yet another baseball)

Phil: (to Tommy) With!

Chuckie: Oh yeah!

Tommy: Very hot!

Chuckie: And if you stand on the third step you can see through her robe!

Tommy: Chuckie, she's a hologram. You can see through her everything.

(Phil hits another baseball for the millionth time)

Phil: It's weird. You know up until a week ago I always thought a girl were what boys weren't allowed to punch but... they'd changed.

Tommy: (to Phil) They haven't changed. You changed.

Phil: (to Tommy) Me?! Nawh! I'm still the same 'ol-hit 'em-out-of-the-park" Phil!

(Phil hits another baseball...again...)

(A cute girl walks past Phil and waves at him which gets him distracted)

(off screen a baseball hits Phil)

Phil: (voice only) Ow.

(scene cuts to Tommy's house where Tommy, Chuckie and Dil watch a vampire movie)

(movie lady screams and fates as a bat flies away)

Younger movie actor: (to the older actor) What are we going to do?

Older movie actor: (to the younger movie actor as he stares at the vampire bat flying away) Vampire bites poisons immediately. Your wife has been bitten twice. It's only a matter of time the vampire will return and if she's bitten she becomes one of the undead!

Younger movie actor: (upset) I'm going to have a vampire for a wife? (drops her)

Older movie actor: Look on the bright side, she will look young forever.

(Dil laughs)

Dil: This is the cheesiest movie ever!

Tommy: Keep it down Dil! We are going to get --

Didi: Busted?

Didi: Dil, what are the rules about watching horror movies?

Dil: Uh not until I'm 10 unless it's really lame in which case 9 is acceptable?

(Dil smiles nervously)

(fart sound)

Tommy and Chuckie: Spike!

(Spike innocently scratches himself)

Dil: Nope. That was me.

(cuts to the DeVille's house in Lil's room)

Betty: Yep, that will hold her. (sniffs and a wipes her eyes with a tissue) I better go now and give two some time to get to know each other. (closes door)

(Lil admiring herself in her training bra in the mirror)

(Door suddenly opens)

Lil: Mom! I'm --

(Phil shrieks in horror as Lil tries to cover herself)

(Phil and Lil scream back and forth until Phil runs out of Lil's room down the hallway)

(scene cuts back to the Pickles' household in the bathroom where Tommy splashes water on his face)

Dil: (enters the room) Good morning sunshine!

Tommy: (still tired) What's so good about it?

Dil: No sleep hey? I can't believe got so scared over such a lame movie.

(Dil starts to brush his teeth and notices two bite marks on his neck)

(scene is now at school)

Dil: If it's at the vampire angle what's your explanation? I am open to suggestions.

Chuckie: You drew them on just to mess with us.

Dil: Would I do something like that?

(the others remain silent)

Dil: Of course I would but I didn't. Hey, I'm just as skeptical as the next guy but these bite marks are the real deal. (Dil walks away)

(Phil enters the scene but immediately he and Lil both break eye contact with each other)

Tommy: (to Phil) Two days until the big blowout huh Phil?

(Phil takes a seat in between Tommy and Chuckie)

Phil: Yep.

Kimi: I can't wait! Hey do we need an RSVP?

Lil: I got it.

(Lil glares at Phil and Phil glares back)

Kimi: (to Lil) Is everything okay? You don't seem amped up about the party.

Lil: (to Kimi) I am. It's just that --

(Lil looks at Phil but he looks away)

Lil: Nothing...

Chuckie: What's the deal Phil? We're more excited about your party then you are.

(Tommy nods in agreement)

Phil: I'm excited. It's just that --

(Phil looks over at Lil)

Phil: Nothing...

(everyone gets up from the table and walks away)

(Dil comes back with a soda)

Dil: Hey, where are you guys going? I only been bitten once!

(sighs)

Dil: You people are paranoid.

(next scene back at the DeVille household in the kitchen)

Betty: (to Phil and Lil) Yu-Gotta-Go folks need a decision by tonight.

Phil: (points to the menu) I want an ice cream cake.

Lil: Well I want cupcakes. (points to choice on menu)

(Phil examines the cupcake sample and gets suspicious)

Phil: (to Lil) Of course you want cupcakes.

Lil: What's that suppose to mean?

(Phil looks at Lil's shirt area)

(Lil gasps)

Lil: Oh grow up!

Phil: You grow up!

Betty: Both of you grow up and make a decision by the time I get back or it's zucchini bread with carrot frosting!

(Betty exists the kitchen)

Phil: Why didn't you tell me?

Lil: Tell you what?

Phil: That'd you're a girl! That I'm living in the same house with a girl!

Lil: You're a freak!

Phil: You're one to talk! You're the one that is wearing one of those -- those girl things that girls wear!

Lil: A what Phillip? A what? A BRA?!

Phil: (screams in horror while covering his ears) My ears are burning!

Betty: (voice only) That's it! I'm picking the cake!

Phil: Then pick two! Because I want separate birthdays this year!

Lil: Fine! I want my own party too and my own cake with nice pink lacy CUPCAKES!

(from outside the DeVille house)

(Phil screams)

(scene takes place at the mall in a clothing store)

(Phil looks in the mirror but a beautiful sales clerk woman walks by and smiles at him and he smiles back but falls over)

Tommy: (to Phil) Does this girl thing have anything to do with the separate birthday situation?

Chuckie: Which by the way I am still protesting.

Phil: Protest all you want. It's a done deal.

Chuckie: No Yu-Gotta-Go epic party? How could you do this to us?!

Phil: I don't even want to be in the same room with Lil much less share a party with her.

(Phil tries on hat)

Tommy: Why?

Phil: It's just -- the other day I saw her -- (pauses) Oh forget it!

(Phil takes hat off and puts it back on the rack)

Tommy: Well if that's the way you want it. But you're risking your reputation.

Chuckie: That's true. No one else has thrown a birthday party that lives up a DeVille extravaganza!

Tommy: Remember the all-you-can-eat toketo bash?

Chuckie: Like it was yesterday. Who can forget the Murder Mystery beach party complete with a dismembered corpse?

Tommy: Not me! I still have my bloody foot!

Phil: Lil and I have had some classic parties haven't we?

(both Tommy and Chuckie nodd in agreement)

Phil: Maybe I'll reconsider.

(Phil takes off jacket but Tommy and Chuckie giggle when they notice something...)

Chuckie: There is something static clanged to the back of your shirt.

Phil: What is it? A sock?

(Phil looks at Tommy and Chuckie and see them laughing)

(Phil turns around to look in the mirror and discovers it's Lil's bra)

Phil: Ahh! It's one of Lil's bras! Get it off me! Get it off me! Get it off me!

(Phil rolls over the floor as Tommy and Chuckie continue to laugh)

(Phil then takes off the piece of clothing)

Phil: Separate party mandate stands!

(back at the Pickles' house - Dil is taking out tomato stakes from the garden and puts them everywhere around his house and boards up his windows and puts garlic everywhere even around his fishbowl)

Dil: (to his fish) Sorry Pablo but it must be done. The animals are always the first to go.

(Spike scratches behind his ear and whimpers)

(Scene changes to the DeVille house in the attic)

Lil: Hand me that box, Wally.

Wally: So what are we looking for again?

Lil: Sleeping bags. My slumber party is going to be in the house. Freako's (Phil) is in the yard.

Wally: (groans) I can't believe you are going to deny me my first DeVille party!

Lil: Give it up girls. You're not talking me out of it.

Kimi: (opens up a chest and pulls out Phil and Lil's matching baby clothes via Rugrats series) What a shame. You and Phil used to be so close you dressed alike and now you are having separate birthdays.

(bat flies around scaring Lil and Kimi)

Wally: Check it out! I'm going to catch it! (chases after bat)

Lil: Look out! (shrieks)

(Kimi shrieks and runs out of the house with Lil)

(once out of the house Kimi and Lil begin to laugh it off and gives each other a high five)

Lil: Maybe I'll reconsider about the party.

(bicycle bell rings - Sammy stops in front of the house while Phil watches from afar)

Sammy: Hey Lil, cool t-shirt.

(Phil starts to get angry)

Lil: Thanks Sammy. Nice (pauses) bike.

Sammy: Thanks. (wiggles his eyebrows)

Phil: Hey! Stay away from my sister! (runs over to Sammy)

(Sammy leaves frightened)

Lil: (now angry) Phil why did you do that?!

Phil: Uh I don't know but I will do it again! (marches away back inside the house)

Lil: (to Kimi) Kimi, I have reconsidered that separate parties is the only way to go! (walks away)

(Kimi pauses to say something but nothing comes out)

(back at the Pickles' house - inside Dil's room where Dil is asleep)

Chuckie: (to Tommy) Don't you think it's kind of weird that Dil still takes naps?

Tommy: (while grabbing a sleeping bag) Oh it's weirder then that! He stays up all night sleeps during the day. He thinks he's a vampire.

Chuckie: He does look kind of chalky.

(Tommy and Chuckie leaves the room right before Dil wakes up)

(Dil looks his bedroom mirror and notices two more bite marks and gasps)

(at the DeVille house in Lil's bedroom)

Jamie: You are only suppose to leave this clay on until 15 minutes. How long has it been?

Kimi: Two hours. Why isn't this makeover stuff as fun as it used to be?

(Jamie shrugs and Wally looks out the window)

Wally: How about a game of Truth or Dare?

Lil: Okay I'll go first. Dare!

Wally: I dare you to merge parties with the guys!

Lil: Not happening.

Jamie: Oh why not?

Wally: It looks like they're having a blast!

Lil: I would but the thing is Phil has been acting so weird lately. (groans) Ever since I got a bra it like changed everything.

Wally: You got a bra? Does it hurt?

Lil: Why would it hurt?

Wally: I don't know. Shaving your legs hurts. (lifts up pajama bottoms to display her bandaged wounds)

Jamie: Your mom lets you shave your legs?

Kimi: My mom says I have to wait until I'm 13.

Lil: 14.

Jamie: Married.

Lil: (groans) I'm not that all into growing up.

Wally: But if we don't grow up we'll be freaks.

Lil: No. We'd be boys!

(girls explode with laughter but interrupted when they're face masks crack)

Girls together: Ow!

(in the DeVille backyard)

Chuckie: Can we go in now? It's too cold out here.

Unnamed boy: And too muggy.

McT: And too cramped. I bet you the girls are having more fun then we are.

Unnamed boy: How about we swing it to Tommy's house? Watch his little bro turn into a vampire? (smirks)

Phil: Come on guys! Hey how about a game of Yu-Gotta-Go? (shuffles cards)

McT: Is it just me or is that Princess Nioko hologram kind of hot?

Boys together: Yeah!

(Chuckie notices a can of spray on deodorant sticking out of McT's bag)

Chuckie: McT you use spray on deodorant already?

McT: Since last month! (grabs deodorant)

Phil: I've been using it since last year!

Unnamed boy: Well I've been using it since birth!

Tommy: (sniffs) I wish!

(boys laughs)

Chuckie: Well I have an armpit hair!

Unnamed boy: No way, lets see!

Chuckie: I pulled it out but I am keeping it in a jar back home.

The other boys: Ew!

Tommy: Come on lets see what the girls are up to.

(the other boys agree excluding Phil)

Phil: Okay okay wait. I'll you what; I won't party with the girls but I am opening to prankin' 'em!

(the other boys cheers in agreement as the scene cuts back to inside's Lil's bedroom)

All the girls: (singing off key to the stereo) Baby baby! How could I call you when I don't even know your name? Maybe you should of given me your number. Baby I'm not the one to pay! Yeah! Not the one --

(Phil takes several embarrassing pictures of the girls through the window and Lil and the other girls notice and scream)

Lil: PHIL I'M GOING TO KILL YOU! (runs over to window and knocks Phil off the ladder onto the ground)

Lil: (in a worried tone) Are you hurt?

Phil: (smiles) No.

Lil: (angry tone) Too bad! (closes window)

(the rest of the boys laugh)

McT: That was wicked awesome!

Unnamed boy: Beats Yu-Gotta-Go World hands down!

Phil: Oh this is just a warm up. McT do you have that wireless internet hooked up?

(McT flexes his arms - saying yes)

(Phil hands the camera to McT)

Phil: Watch and learn boys! I'm about to out prank myself! Feel free to take notes.

(back in Lil's room)

Lil: I can't believe he (Phil) got pictures of me with my hair like this! What a jerk!

Kimi: (while brushing her hair) Chillax Lil. So a couple of guys see us with junk on our faces, big deal.

Lil's computer: Mail call! Mail call!

(the girls gather around the computer and see the pictures of them Phil took appear on the screen)

Wally: Oh no! Your brother sent out these files and emailed them to everyone at school!

Kimi: Make that every school in the country.

Jamie: Correction. Every school in the world! He spammed it to the World Wide Pin Pal site!

Lil: (angered) This. Means. War.

(at the Pickles' house)

Didi: (knocks on Dil's bedroom door) Open the door please.

Dil: (from the other side) I can't. Don't worry but you'll thank me later. I don't want to sink my fangs into your little white neck.

Didi: (getting angry) Dil Pickles open this door right now!

Dil: Last name hey? I guess you mean business. (opens door)

(Didi looks around Dil's room and notice all the garlic)

Dil: (hands Didi a tomato stake) It's for your own protection.

Didi: Is this one of my tomato stakes?

(Spike scratches with garlic around his neck and lays down)

Didi: Looks like someone watched a movie he was forbidden to see. Somebody who is also late to Phil's party. (hands Dil his sleeping bag)

Dil: But if I go outside I'll risk getting thrice bitten.

Didi: Honey, you know there is no such thing as vampires.

Dil: How could such a smart woman be so naive?

Didi: Go on. A social gathering is a perfect way to take your mind off monsters.

Dil: Fine! Send me out there! But I hope you're satisfied when you have a son that is one of the undead! (walks down hallway)

Didi: (shouts) As long as you make your own coffin every morning I'm fine with it!

(back at the DeVille house - in the kitchen)

Wally: We could egg their tent!

Lil: Lame! Compared what they did to us!

(door bell rings - girls run over to the front door)

Lil: Who is it?

Dil: It's Dil. You got to let me in.

(Lil looks at the other girls and they shake their heads)

Lil: We can't trust you. You're one of them.

Dil: I'm not a vampire yet.

Lil: No a boy!

Dil: It's an emergency!

(Lil quickly opens the door and pulls Dil inside)

Kimi: (to Dil) Swear on the life of your goldfish Pablo that the boys didn't put you up to this.

Dil: I swear. I'm sorry I crashed your party but I got no place else to go!

Wally: Why aren't you in the tent with the guys?

Dil: Can't be outdoors. One more bite and it's open season for anything with a neck.

(Dil hands all the girls necklaces made out of garlic)

Dil: In case things get out of hand.

(the girls laugh)

Dil: (pulls the collar off his neck) See it and sweep ladies. Fresh bite marks.

Lil: No doubt about it. You've been bitten... by fleas!

Wally: (examining Dil's neck) Yep those are fleas bites alright. Been hanging around any dogs lately?

Dil: Spike. Best pillow a guy could ask for. Oh well that's a relief. Except I was looking forward to the whole being able to turn into a bat and fly thing.

(Lil looks at the garlic necklace and then at DIl and gets an idea)

Lil: So you're not a real vampire but are you interested in playing one for a night?

Dil: Call me intrigued.

Lil: Girls I believe we have found our prank! To the attic!

(girls cheer)

(back with the boys in the tent in the backyard - telling scary stories)

McT: And then the old woman came lurking around the corner...

Tommy: And she opened her eyes and all the kids could see were empty eye sockets! The teenagers screamed and ran for their lives --

Chuckie: (immediately takes over) Until they came apon a field of ponies -- sweet, friendly, nice ponies, waiting to carry them back to safety.

(the other boys are not amused and Chuckie laughs nervously)

Dil: Knock knock!

(Chuckie screams)

Dil: (from outside the tent) Guys it's me, Dil. Can I come in?

Phil: Should we let him in?

Chuckie: No way!

Tommy: You guys are being ridiculous. (opens up the tent to attempt to let Dil in)

(Chuckie and McT grab Tommy to prevent him from getting Dil inside the tent)

Dil: (poking his head inside) What's the problem?

Tommy: They don't want to let you in in case you're a "vampire".

Dil: Funny thing about those vampire marks, it turns out they were flea bites. Man if you could see the egg on my face.

Tommy: (to the other boys) Told ya so.

(Dil quickly puts in fangs and preforms an evil laugh - scaring the rest of the boys while the girls quickly puts a bat inside their tent making the boys run out in fear)

(Lil and the rest of the girls laugh at the boys)

(Lil singles Kimi to turn on the sprinklers - which get the boys soaked)

(the girls continue to laugh until Phil sprays them with a hose which causes the girls to scream and run away)

Phil: (while spraying the hose) That's for the bat!

(Phil accidentally knocks down Chuckie)

Lil: Are you okay Chuckie?

Phil: Sorry man. I meant to get Lil.

Lil: Nice going Phillip!

Phil: You started it Lillian!

Lil: I did not! You did!

(Phil and Lil continue to bicker)

Wally: I think I'm going to call my mom and tell her to pick me up.

Tommy: What do you say Bat-Boy? Wanna head home?

Dil: Yeah. This party is like my career as a vampire -- a total bust.

Phil: (to Lil) This is all your fault you know!

Lil: My fault?! You're the one that wanted separate parties!

(Lil and Phil look around and notice everyone is gone)

(inside the kitchen)

Phil: (sigh) Happy birthday.

Lil: You too.

Phil: I'm guess I'm like -- you know -- sorry. It's just since the bra incident I felt weird around you.

Lil: Me too!

Phil: I'd always thought me and you were the same but we're not. You're a girl.

(the ice cream cake is beginning to melt)

Phil: I don't understand girls.

Lil: I don't understand boys either but you know what, since I am a girl I could be your girls to boys translator.

Phil: I've never thought of it that way but it works for me! And if there's ever a guy you're into and you need advice -- I don't want to know about it. Who knew growing up was such a pain in the butt.

Lil: Tell me about it.

Phil: You? Guys have it much harder then girls; our voices go wack, we get nose hair and we have to shave.

Lil: Pleeassee, guys only shave their faces. Girls have to shave two whole legs and that's a lot more harder then a face.

(Phil and Lil grab their non-edible cake decorations to suck the frosting off)

Phil: At least we don't have to worry about that junk for a while.

Lil: Yeah but there is only one thing we have to worry about right now.

Phil: What is that?

Lil: How we're going to eat an entire cake by ourselves.

(both laugh)

(later walking down the hallway, holding their stomachs)

Lil: (groans) I feel sick...

Phil: Maybe mom has something we could take.

(Phil opens Betty's bedroom door)

Phil: Mom, Lil and I ate too much --

(Phil screams in horror once he sees his mom standing there only in her bra while she tries covers herself with her shirt)

(Phil quickly closes her door and then runs down the hallway covering his eyes)

Phil: I'm blind! I'M BLIND!