Stu Gets a Job/Transcript

Didi: Morning, Stu! All set for work? Stu: All set? I'm lucky to be alive! When I opened my closet this morning, an avalanche of toys fell on me! Lou: Toys? Why'd you put toys in your closet? Stu: Pop, I didn't put them there. Somebody else did, but who? [snaps his fingers] Drew! Lou: Huh? Stu: I can't believe Drew would stoop so low over a lousy 120 bucks which, I might add, I already paid him back! I'll show him. [chuckles, calls the local pizza palace and squeezes his nose to badly imitate his brother's voice] Yes, I'd like to order fifty large pepperoni and mushroom pizzas. My name? Drew Pickles.

Stu: "If [it] doesn’t put ‘Pickles Toys’ on the map, nothing will.”

Didi: “I’ve been going over our bills Stu, and I thought maybe if you got a job outside the house, we could…”

Stu: “Oh - well when does an inventor of your stature intended to finish this bubble thing?”

Stu: “Did Mozart’s wife ask him how long it would take to finish his Requiem?”

Didi: "Mozart died without finishing his Requiem."

Stu: “Ok, bad example.”

[Didi then walks over with a newspaper]

[she points out a “want ad” in the paper that she circled, which states that a company called Consolidated Lard is looking for telephone representatives]

Stu: “Consolidated Lard?”

CUT TO: Later on. We overhead view overlooking the Pickles’ house

[Stu pulls into the driveway]

CUT TO: Int. THE KITCHEN

Didi is at the kitchen table, feeding Tommy and his best friend, Chuckie, who are both in height chairs.

[Stu walks into the kitchen and says to his wife, with a drained look in his face]

Stu: “Well, I’m an official wage slave, Deed.”

Didi: (with brightened look on her face) “Stu, that’s great!”

[she then turns to her son whilst standing up and putting her right hand on his left shoulder]

Didi: Tommy, daddy's got a job!

[Didi then walks into the foyer, where her husband is putting his trademarked dark-green dress coat away in the closet by the front door]

Didi: Stu, I am very proud of you (She gives him a kiss in his left cheek)

[Stu, still feeling drained, then proceeds to go upstairs]

Stu: (sarcastically) “Uh-yeah. Tomorrow morning, Stu Pickles will be ‘cold calling’ customers about the wonders of ‘rendered fat’; I guess life couldn’t get much sweeter.”

Cut to: Back in the kitchen

Chuckie turns to his friend with a sorry look on his face

Chuckie: “Did you hear that Tommy!? Your Daddy got a job!”

Tommy: “Huh?”

Chuckie: "That means instead of your daddy staying home and playing with you’, he has to go work everyday.”

Tommy: (not worried) "My daddy wouldn’t do that. He always stays home and plays with me."

Chuckie: "Don't you see? Your daddy doesn’t do that no more; because he has a job now, just like my daddy.”

Tommy: “Chuckie listen: Maybe your Dad goes to a job all day, maybe other peoples’ daddies go to jobs all day; but not my daddy, he says right here at home with me.”

CUT TO: THE NEXT MORNING

[Stu is about to pull out of the driveway and head off to his new job]

[Just before he drives off, he waves goodbye to his wife and son, who are standing off to the side and watching him go]

Stu: “Bye Tommy, daddy’s off to the ‘lard mines’.”

[Tommy however is heartbroken to see his father leaving for work]

CUT TO: a little later on

A heartbroken Tommy is in the playpen with his friends, Chuckie, Phil and Lil

Tommy: (downhearted) “Why did he have to get a job anyway? Why can’t he just stay at home and play with me?”

Phil: “Maybe he has better toys there."

Lil: “Or new friends."

Chuckie: “Or a swimming pool filled with green Jello®!”

[Everyone stares back at Chuckie’s suggestion, finding it to be a little too flamboyant]

Chuckie: “Well, he might.”

Phil: “Sorry Tommy, I guess the tooth hurts sometimes."

Lil: “Like when we play with your Reptar doll."

Tommy: “Over here Phil."

Chuckie: “Watch out Lil!”

Stu: “There’s more where that came from."

Drew: “Well incidentally, now that you’re pulling a paycheck again, I was wondering if you might pay the money I loaned you for that Barbecue Grill.”

Stu: “What!? I paid you back last summer!”

Drew: “Huh, what fun you did.”

Stu: “Boy! The minute you start to make good, the vultures just move right on in!”

Tommy: “It didn’t work guys; sharing the toys didn’t make him stay home.”

Lil: (with a sorry look on her face) “Sorry Tommy."

Phil: (also has a sorry look in his face) “It won’t be that bad.”

Chuckie: “You’ll get used to never having him around anymore."

Tommy: “Chuckie, you’ve done it again!”

Tommy: “Ok guys, now what’s the first thing your daddy does in the morning?”

Chuckie: “Throws a noisy clock against the wall?”

Tommy: “No, after that.”

Phil: “Polishes my mommy’s shoes?”

Tommy: “After that.”

Lil: “Takes a shower?”

Tommy: “Exactly! He takes a Shower."

(Tommy draws an unintelligible mark on the toy chalkboard’s upper right corner)

Tommy: “And then what does he do?”

Chuckie: “He goes BRRBRRBRRBRRBRR [and he also shakes his head] really loud.”

Tommy: “After that.”

Lil: “He sticks his finger in his ear [and she also sticks her left index finger in her left ear whilst answering]?”

Tommy: “After that.”

Phil: “He gets dressed?”

Tommy: “Exactly!”

[Tommy draws another unintelligible mark under the first mark on the chalkboard]

Tommy: “And after he get’s dressed, what does he do?”

Phil: “He eats breakfast?”

Tommy: “What does he have for breakfast?”

Lil: “Hot dogs.”

Tommy: “But what does he drink?”

Chuckie: (after thinking for a brief moment) “Coffee?”

Tommy: “EXACTLY!”

[He draws another unintelligible mark to the left of the previous 2 marks on the chalkboard]

Tommy: (in determination) “Now let’s get out there and show him what we’re made of!”

Lil+Chuckie+Phil: (stand up and cheer) “YEAH!”

Stu: “Deed, you’re not gonna believe this: They’re expecting me to memorize 22 different types of lard."

Stu: “Cookbook, heh! Maybe you outta think about returning the last book you borrowed from me.”

Drew: “Gee, I hope you’re not talking about that coloring book Stu.”

Stu: “You ate the cover!”

Drew: “I was five!”

Stu: “Well you’re the one who’s bringing up ancient history.”

[he walks out of the kitchen]

Stu: “Honey?”

Stu: “Who took all my clothes?”

Stu: “I can’t believe Drew would think so low.”

Lou: “Morning son, looking sharp.”

Stu: (a mildly mortified) Stu replies “Thanks Pop.”

[Stu notices some hot coffee in the coffee machine’s carafe, and pours himself a mug, unaware that he’s about to get another unpleasant surprise]

[Tommy is peaking into the kitchen and watching from out of sight; as Stu pours himself some coffee which strangely seems a bit think and chunky]

Stu: “Pop, you haven’t seen Drew around here lately, have you? His ‘cute’, little practical jokes have gone far enough.”

[Lou simply replies with a mumble, and Stu proceeds to drink his coffee]

[suddenly however, Stu spits it out because of the taste]

Stu: “This coffee tastes like mud!”

[Stu then takes a closer look at the coffee; and noticing rocks, twigs, a small leaf and even an earth worm are in it, he finds that it’s not really coffee at all and really is mud]

Stu: “Eww! It is mud.”

[Tommy smiles with a sneaky look on his face, confident that his plan is working; but while Tommy’s tricks do inconvenience and aggravate his father quite a bit, it’s of course not enough to keep him home]

Stu: (laughs sinisterly to himself) “Well, I’m late for work; gotta run.”

(Stu leaves for work)

(Tommy sees that his plan failed and puts on a disappointed and heartbroken face. He then walks away)

[Stu shuts the fronts the front door]

(Didi comes into the kitchen, carrying all of Stu’s missing clothes, which she found in Tommy’s playpen)

Didi: (to Lou) “What on earth were all these clothes doing in Tommy’s playpen?”

CUT TO - LATER ON

Tommy and his friend Chuckie (Phil and Lil are absent this time) are playing with a ball

Tommy: “I don’t know what to do Chuckie, it’s like there’s no stopping him.”

[Chuckie walks over to talk to Tommy]

Chuckie: “The only way you could stop him would be to.. to, trap him in a net.”

Tommy: (his face brightens) “Chuckie, that’s it!”

Chuckie: “What’s it?”

Tommy: “My grandpa has a fishing net we could use.”

Chuckie: (quietly to himself) “When am I going to learn to keep my big mouth shut?”

Stu: “Wha- What is this!?”

Drew: “Looks like a net Stu.”

Stu: “Wait a minute. That’s it. THAT’S IT!”

Stu: Well, things seem to be going smoothly this morning. I guess Drew learned his lesson. Didi: What are you talking about? [The doorbell rings and Didi leaves the kitchen and opens the front door] Didi: Drew! Drew: [very angrily] Where's Stu? [Drew enters the kitchen where Stu is calmly drinking his coffee] Drew: Stu, let's talk. Stu: [offers Drew a seat] Fine by me. Drew: [pulls up a chair and sits down] I couldn't get to the office yesterday because someone had my car towed! Stu: And I suppose I wore my disco suit to work yesterday just for kicks, huh? Drew: I don't know what you're talking about, but I bet you know something about the fifty pizzas I got the other day! Stu: I thought you came here to apologise. Drew: Apologize?! Wha-- [stands up and points his finger at Stu] You're the one who should apologize! Stu: Me?! What an idea! [both cross arms and turn their backs to each other] I guess we have nothing to discuss. Didi: [enters the kitchen] Oh, Drew! While you're here, I have something for you. [opens the book in her hands] It's a check from Stu for 120 dollars. [hands the check to Drew] He wrote it last summer, but it seems he's been using it as a bookmark. [holds up the book and points at it] Drew: Why, thanks, Didi. [Drew angrily glares at Stu, who frowns] Stu: [chuckles nervously] Drew, I, uh... I have to go to work.

Stu: Call Consolidated Lard and tell them I quit! I'm staying home to work on my bubble machine and play with my kid!