Special Delivery/Transcript

''[Stu is working on his doll, Patty Pants. As a doll's head rolls on a table before Stu picks it up and then screws it onto the doll body. Before putting on some hair with a ribbon, then the doll starts walking around as Stu watches in glee]''

Patty Pants: My name is Patty Pants and I need a new diaper.

Stu: No, you're not supposed to need a new diaper. You're supposed to need a hug. (picks up the doll and and opens the battery compartment) Now, let's see...maybe if I just tweaked this a little. (sticks a screwdriver into the circuits and makes a few turns as sparks fly) Okay, now let's try it. (places the doll back on the table as it starts up again.)

Patty Pants: My name is Patty Pants and I do, I do, I do...

[Patty Pants eventually shorts out, much to his frustration.]

Stu: Oh, this just isn't my day.

[Tommy is on Spike's back and attempts to wake him up.]

Tommy: (pulls open one of Spike's eyelids and looks into his eye) Spike? Wake up, Spike. (he lets got of Spike's eyelid but Spike closes it as he sighs)

[When the mailman comes does he awake and run to the door, with Tommy riding on his back all the way.]

Tommy: Spike, where you going?

''[Spike runs up to the door, as Tommy falls off his back. As Spike growls, Tommy gets up, only for a magazine to hit him in the back of the head]''

Tommy: Oh!

''[Tommy then looks back and gets up to look through the mail slot as Spike sniffs the magazine. Then Tommy gets buried in letters.]''

[Cutting outside, the Mailman takes out an Eggbert catalog from his mailbag, but then the letters start coming out of the slot]

Mailman: (gasps)

''[Inside, we see Tommy is attempting to push them out through the slot, but as he turns to pick up more, the Mailman then pushes the letters back through the slot. Back outside, we see the Mailman has the catalog under his chin as he's picking up the letters but then Tommy pushes them back out, leading the Mailman to try and hold them back with the catalog, while Tommy is trying to stop the letters from coming through the slot, but he's unsuccessful as the Mailman shoves his back into the letters, sending them and Tommy all falling to the floor.]''

''[The Mailman then looks through the slot, and sees Spike who growls, and then the Eggbert catalog gets shoved in his mouth. Stu then walks over and sees the mail.]''

Stu: Ah, good. Mail's here.

[Stu takes the catalog from Spike.]

Stu: Hey, Didi. The new Eggbert catalog's here.

[In the kitchen.]

Didi: That's nice, dear.

[Stu walks into the kitchen holding Tommy while reading the Eggbert catalog.]

Stu: I wonder what's new...oh, no! I can't believe it Didi. This is the worst thing that could possibly happen.

Didi: What's wrong, Stu?

Stu: (holding the catalog up) It's these Eggbert toy people, Didi. They beat me to the punch.

Didi: What do you mean?

Stu: Look! (opens the catalog to a page showing a doll)

[Eggbert Toys released a new doll called Tina Trousers.]

Stu: It talks, it walks, and it wets. Worse of all it even gets real diaper rash!

Didi: So?

Stu: (while sitting down at the table) My Patty Pants doll was at least six months away from diaper rash. And this one's available immediately delivery. (covers his face with one of his hands) I'm ruined!

Didi: Oh, Stu, you're just overreacting. You know that stuff never looks as good as it does in the catalog

Stu: I tell you, I'm ruined! (covers his face with his hand again.)

Didi: Why don't you order it and see for yourself?

Stu: (opening his eyes and taking his hand off his face) That's a brilliant idea, Didi. (passes Tommy over to Didi) I can order one for next day delivery. (kisses Didi on the cheek)

[Stu leaves.]

Didi: (shows the catalog to Tommy with the Tina Trousers page) See, Tommy--a new little baby for you to play with. And she's coming in the mail.

Tommy: Ooh...

[The door buzzer goes off.]

Didi: I'll get it!

''[cutting to the front door, Chuckie is looking through the mail slot as Didi opens the door. Where Betty is standing on the other side with Phil and Lil in her arms.]''

Didi: Oh, hi, Betty.

Betty: Hey, what's cooking?

[Stu comes over.]

Stu: Can I have that catalog? (taking the catalog from Didi) I need that phone number. Oh, hi, Betty.

[Stu leaves with the the catalog.]

Betty: What's eating him?

[Betty walks inside as Chuckie follows behind]

Didi: It's that Patty Pants project, Betty

Betty: (while putting Phil and Lil into the playpen) Still working on that? (then she sets Chuckie inside the playpen next)

Didi: I'm afraid so. He still can't get it to wet realistically.

Betty: Shame. Say, why don't you tell me about it over a cup of Bavarian mocha?

[Didi sets Tommy into the playpen before she and Betty walk off.]

Tommy: Guess what?

Phil and Lil: (in unison) What?

Tommy: My dad says we're getting another baby.

Phil: That's funny.

Lil: Our mom's been talking about getting one too.

Chuckie: Really? Where will she find it?

Phil: A stork brings them. I got a book about it.

Lil: Not the stork, Phillip. They come from the store.

Phil: Uh-uh! It's stork, Lillian.

Lil: Store!

Phil: Stork!

Lil: Store!

Chuckie: (comes in-between Phil and Lil to break up their fight) My mom says I came from the hospital.

Tommy: The hospital? Nah, that's where you go when you get sick. My dad says our new baby's going to come in the mail.

Chuckie: Wow, Tommy! (points to the front door) You mean right through that hole in the door?

Tommy: Yup, it's coming tomorrow and I'm going to wait right here so I can meet it.

''[it cuts to the next day, where the Mailman is walking and whistling as he leaves one of the neighbor's yards, but upon opening the face, there is a small dog hanging on his pants leg growling, then the Mailman walks out of the yard as the camera pans over to the other yards where all of the other neighbors' dogs are standing at the fences barking at the mailman. As one of the dogs pulls out 2 of the fence boards from its yard, as the fence is shown to be poorly kept in shape. Then the camera zooms into the Pickles' residence as we see Tommy is sitting on a stool at the front door, waiting for the mailman.]''

Tommy: (as the letters come through the mail slot) Ah. (he then gets off the stool and walks up to the door) Baby?

[Stu walks up.]

Stu: Oh good, the mail's here. (moving Tommy aside) Look out Champ, I got to talk to the mailman.

''[Stu opens the door. Where we see the Mailman's clothes are all tattered and ripped up from all of the other dogs' as he's searching for something in his mailbag.]''

Stu: Well, where is she?

Mailman: Who?

Stu: Tina Trousers.

Mailman: What do I look like the department of missing persons?

Stu: No, Tina Trousers is a doll.

Mailman: Hey, mister, I don't care what she looks like.

Stu: No, I mean a toy doll. She was supposed to come in the mail today.

Mailman: Oh. (puts down his mailbag)

Tommy: (looking at the mailbag) Hmm...

Mailman: Oh, Yeah, (taking off his hat, he then takes out a package pick-up note from it) you got a package but it was too big to carry. (hands the note to Stu) You'll have to come pick it up at the post office.

Stu: What? I haven't got time to go wait in a line at the post office.

Tommy: Baby?

[Tommy climbs into the mailbag.]

Mailman: Hey, I don't make the rules, Mister.

Stu: Huh! Mail service sure isn't what it used to be.

Mailman: Have a nice day

[Stu goes inside and closes the door.]

Mailman: (grunts as he lifts up his Mailbag which is now heavier with Tommy inside it) This bag gets heavier all the time. (walks away)

[Tommy enjoys a comfortable ride to the post office, opening a letter and reading an "American Baby" magazine.]

Tommy: Baby? Baby.

[The bag then shakes around as the Mailman yelps, while a dog barking is heard as Tommy gasps]

''[It then cuts to the Post Office. When he arrives, the mailman is now walking with a cane where he sets the bag down and heads into the infirmary to treat his injuries, where several more mailmen are also waiting in line to be treated. Tommy peeks out and sees packages being loaded onto a conveyor belt. He sees a packaged vase. Mistaking the vase for the baby, he climbs out of the mailbag and walks over to the conveyor belt. As he falls over when a mail cart passes by. Then he gets back up and climbs up a stool.]''

Tommy: Baby.

[the vase then goes through a scanning machine]

Tommy: (getting onto the conveyer belt) Oh...oh... Oof! (he falls on his hands and knees and rides the conveyer belt)

''[Tommy passes through the machine and is scanned. The machine then reads out: "Postage due" as at the top of the machine, a mechanical hand pops out.]''

Tommy: Ah.

''[Tommy then crawls up the stopped conveyer belt, before getting up and climbing over another box before walking up to the vase but before he can grab the vase, the mechanic hand grabs Tommy by his diaper and drops him on a weighing scale. Which weighs him at 25.10 lbs. The machine declares him overweight and dumps him onto another conveyor belt going another direction. While a buzzer goes off.]''

''[The vase then passes by as Tommy tries catching up to the vase, but a claw grabs his diaper, picks him up, and carries him away from the vase. Where he watches it disappear through a tunnel.]''

''[Seeing the vase gone, Tommy starts crying. Then, as if to quiet him, a label stamper places a stamp on his mouth in a way similar to how pacifiers are inserted in baby's mouths, which reads: "Postage Due, Weight: 25.10 lbs." Then the claw swings over to a platform moving upward before dropping Tommy onto it.]''

[As he moves up the platform, Tommy tears the stamp off and shakes it off his fingers, only to end up sliding down a chute, giggling happily]

''Tommy: Whee! (goes flying through a room, knocking over packages that are being inspected for their weight.) Ahhh!''

''[Tommy comes out a door then sees the vase on another conveyor belt and gets to the other side by riding a Dolley, although he smashes some packages in the process. He reaches the vase, as the Tina Trousers package is now in front of the vase]''

Tommy: Baby. (grabbing the vase)

[The Tina Trousers doll passes through an X-Ray machine and is scanned, followed by Tommy busy tearing open the package before he looks inside the vase. While the man on duty is too engrossed in a magazine]

Man: Mmmm...

Tommy: (looking inside the vase) No. No baby.

''[Tommy knocks it over and continues as the vase falls off the conveyor belt and shatters. Tommy tries to reach the Tina Trousers package as one package passes through the stamping machine. Where it stamps: "Express" into the package, and then onto the Tina Trousers package.]''

Tommy: Ah!

''[Tommy then turns around and tries to crawl away from the stamping machine but try as he might, he cannot outcrawl the conveyer belt as he passes through the machine, where "Cancelled" is stamped on his diaper. Then, another claw grabs his diaper and lifts him to a chute where the door opens up to a deep, dark tunnel]''

Tommy: Ah!

''[Tommy is dumped into the chute, screaming all the way down, before landing on another conveyer belt leading to the dead letter office. He rides it to the end, scared about his surroundings, then one letter falls off the conveyer belt and into a pit of junk mail with a skeleton.]''

''Tommy: Ah! (He nearly falls off the conveyer belt himself) Whoa! (but he eventually gets back onto the conveyer belt and tries to crawl away from the edge before getting to his feet and by luck, grabs and pulls the switch to open a hatch below him] Whoa!''

[which allows him to slide out of the dead letter office via a chute and land into a mail cart next to the Tina Trousers package.]

Tommy: Baby!

[a worker then rolls the cart into the main pick-up room where there's a long line waiting, with Stu waiting impatiently.]

[Tommy pulls the package open then climbs into the box and gets next to the doll.]

Tommy: Hi. You must be the baby. I'm Tommy. What's your name?

Tina Trousers: Mama.

Tommy: Really? That's my mom's name too.

[Meanwhile, Stu, walks up to the desk, after waiting in line.]

Desk Recipient: Next...

Stu: Right here!

Desk Recipient: You don't have to yell, sir. (grabs the pick-up note from Stu and puts on some glasses)

Stu: You got a special delivery for Stu Pickles, it's a package from the Eggbert toy company?

Desk Recipient: And?

Stu: And I'd like to pick it up sometime before Christmas

Desk Recipient: No need to be rude, sir. (walks over to the mail cart with the Tina Trousers package inside) Let's see Eggbert. Eggbert...must be under "R". (picking up the package) Who organized this? Just a second.

[In the Tina Trousers box.]

Tommy: Look, my dad's here. He'll take us home.

[Stu receives the package from the Desk Recipient, but is not pleased with its state]

Stu: Hey, this package is a mess. Look, it's been torn open!

Desk Recipient: No charge

Stu: Oh, boy. Oh, boy, I'll tell ya, the old days in the post office were a lot better before they...

Desk Recipient: Next...

[Stu carries the package to his car, places it inside and starts the car.]

Tommy: You'll like it at home. It's a lot nicer than here

Tina Trousers: Mama!

Tommy: Yup, mom's there too.

[Stu pulls up the Pickles' residence, before it cuts to inside the kitchen where Stu carries in the package and then sets it on the table.]

Stu: Didi, it's here!

[Stu takes the doll out of the box.]

Stu: I can't wait. Hey, Didi! The doll's here! (walks out of the kitchen to find Didi)

[Tommy stands up in the box.]

Tommy: Baby?

[Lou then walks into the kitchen and picks up Tommy by his leg from the box]

Lou: Hmm. This is lifelike. (sniffs Tommy.) Even smells lifelike. (as it cuts to the outside of the house) If I didn't know better, I'd say that was Tommy.

[They both laugh at the end.]